Trusted the wrong person

[justannoyed1]

I am heavily pregnant and have suffered a devastating miscarriage previously. My issue is that my former friend (now SIL) is making my situation worse.

My mum lives with her and my brother and I really need access to my mum. Before anyone says anything, yes she comes to visit and I would happily have her live with me but simply don’t have the space.

What’s happened is my SIL has basically said how me and my sisters aren’t welcome in the house (until she gives birth, as we come late in the evening with our kids and she’s having complications etc) my problem is she’s always having complications- this is her 3rd kid and I feel she’s so dramatic. I have it so much worse than her but I would never message saying she’s not welcome to pop over. Also I would pop over during the day but with school timings and clubs at the weekend , evening is really the only free time I have. I feel like she’s taking my family away from me.

I really feel let down as she was my friend and now I’m just so embarrassed by her. Can anyone relate?

I’m just wondering the ages of everyone!

Loving the flouncy "goodnight"
reckon we can start a book on how long the op will sit on her hands
🤣🤣🤣

“Just times when I’m really down and I feel like seeing my mum. Mum is really elderly and she lives with them as we’ve agreed as a family she shouldn’t go into a care home”.

If your Mum is really elderly, would you maybe want to rethink worrying or burdening her? Could your brother be a better point of support?

If everyone around you is saying your wrong perhaps it’s time to reconsider your actions!

@justannoyed1 I’m so sorry for your loss but you’re being utterly selfish and can’t see past the end of your own nose.

And you've no idea what it's like to get 2 kids to bed when someone turns up and disrupts the whole thing.

Letting her in the family?!

Not sure she needed your permission for your brother and her to decide they wanted to get married 🙄

It sounds like you need counselling.

How old are your brother's children?

You usually can't just expect a family to change the time they put their children to bed to suit when's convenient for you to pop over.

Yes. You are. I’ve lost 4 babies including my son’s twin. So, in your way of thinking ‘I’ve had it way worse’ than you, and I still don’t think the world revolves around me.

Yes you lost a child, but you have also mentioned you are unable to see your mum at other times because of the school run and kids clubs, so when you say she is pregnant with her third, you too have other children?

None of what you say makes sense. What on earth should she be buying you a gift for?

You have yet to find a single person who thinks your SIL is being unreasonable. Maybe take a deep breath and a step back and realise that if everybody thinks you're wrong, you're probably wrong.

Your SIL owes you NOTHING for the fact she met her husband through you. And the fact you seem to think she does makes you sound unhinged.

And your SIL is NOT stop you seeing your mum. Again you sound unhinged when you say that. You are welome to do any of the following:

1. Visit your mum at your SIL's home during the day
2. Have your mum come to your house at any time you like.
3. Meet your mum in another location at any time you like (including picking her up and taking her out)

If none of those work for you and you feel that the only thing that matters to you is to see your mum at any hour you like in the place your mum is living, then you need to change your home/lifestyle and have your mum come and live with you.

You have plenty of options. But one option you don't have is to berate the woman who cares for your mum (when you dont want to make the changes to do it yourself) because she has put in place perfectly reasonable boundaries over your access to HER home so that she can adequately care for her children and protect her own health.

I understand you've had a recent loss and I feel for you, but I dont think I've ever heard anything so entitled, selfish and frankly unhinged. If this isn't what you are normally like, please get some mental health help.

OP "am I unreasonable?"

everyone "yes"

OP "no I'm not, wahhh"

I am also wondering whether SIL is actually protecting the mum. As it's been mentioned she is elderly and would otherwise had to go into a home, I wonder if she also has a set routine and once SIL has dealt with the children it may be that she then has to care for the elderly mum (help bath her and put her to bed) so having someone turning up late could actually be disruptive to the mum as well.

You didn't agree as a family.

They agreed to take care of her as a family of two married adults and their children.

You feel like this gives you the right to behave as you like because she is your mum.

But this is their home and their kids and their routine, which takes priority over an adult deliberately overstepping boundries to prove some weird point to the exhausted and heavily pregnant woman actually caring for your mum.

She isn't stopping you seeing her though. She's stopping you from visiting her house when she is trying to put her kids to bed. You can see your mum literally any other time of day or pick her up and go for dinner or something.

Unfortunately it's not as easy as 'I should be able to see her any time I want' when she is living in someone else's house. They have a right to want their own home to themselves when putting kids to bed and not have their routine disrupted.

Go and visit before 6pm then and the problem is sorted.

Gently op I think you should seek some professional therapy as you are clearly hurting but your anger is directed towards the wrong person, it’s not that we don’t understand your post or get where you are coming from, we do, but you are in the wrong not Sil

We all understand you. We all understand the situation. We all think you are wrong. The only person who doesn't get how selfish and entitled you are is you.

Your SIL does not owe you a present. You owe her an apology.

Anyone else imagining the other side of this?

'I am heavily pregnant with my third pregnancy, this one, like the two others, has brought complications and I am really struggling.

On top of that I am managing two small children and my MIL lives with us, she's lovely but she's in her 80s and needs a lot of support.

My SIL's insist on visiting at teatime/bedtime when I am trying to get little children into bed. They bring their kids, show up whenever and dump all their worries on their elderly Mum. Then once my kids are thoroughly wound up and we're all tired, they fuck off to their own homes and leave me and my DP to tidy up, settle everyone, including MIL.

It is particularly difficult as one SIL had a miscarriage almost x years ago and cannot possibly offer empathy with my pregnancy complications because no matter how bad they are, they're not as bad as losing a baby... even though she is currently heavily and happily and healthily pregnant. I can never mention how I am feeling as she turns on the waterworks about how she has it worse than anyone because she lost a child and that trumps all!

AIBU to ask SIL not to visit at teatime/bedtime, any other time is fine, just not when Im trying to settle kids for the night.'

That post would get a resounding 'YABU' vote of probably about 95% (because theres always 5% muppets who have to argue the toss.)

I note that at no point you mention what your Mum thinks @justannoyed1 does SHE want you to visit at small childrens bedtime, is she feeling upset that you are limited to visiting the other 22 hours of the day?

I understand it’s not the best setup but unfortunately, OP, as others have already said, it is your SIL’s home and I’d also be annoyed if I had my SIL’s turning up an hour before putting my kids to bed AND on a regular basis with little/no notice. She has a right to her own routine and privacy in her own home. So I’m afraid the options are:

• Call/message your mum if you can’t go and see her
• Arrange set days where she comes to you & you go to her
• Talk to your mum about potential alternative accommodation

"I have it so much worse than her but..."

I stopped reading after this.

I have 2 small DC who I absolutely adore, but I need (for my own sanity) to get them into bed at 7pm. They wake from 5ish in the morning and I need a small bit of time in the evening to recharge before going to bed (and this is as someone who is not pregnant!). On hard days this is the only thing that keeps me going!

The thought of someone coming into my home with other children, making noise & hyping my DC up any time after 6pm would be an absolute no-go…

She is not unreasonable & I would be questioning the sanity of any mother who couldn’t understand why she would feel that way! Looking after children is exhausting let alone trying to do so whilst pregnant..

Thank you! Yes! Finally! Someone who understands what I’m saying. SIL is being rude, and totally ungrateful. Thats all I’m saying. Thank you @TheCheekySloth

Ha ha ha ha
shortest flounce in history

Jumped the shark there OP