Trusted the wrong person

[justannoyed1]

I am heavily pregnant and have suffered a devastating miscarriage previously. My issue is that my former friend (now SIL) is making my situation worse.

My mum lives with her and my brother and I really need access to my mum. Before anyone says anything, yes she comes to visit and I would happily have her live with me but simply don’t have the space.

What’s happened is my SIL has basically said how me and my sisters aren’t welcome in the house (until she gives birth, as we come late in the evening with our kids and she’s having complications etc) my problem is she’s always having complications- this is her 3rd kid and I feel she’s so dramatic. I have it so much worse than her but I would never message saying she’s not welcome to pop over. Also I would pop over during the day but with school timings and clubs at the weekend , evening is really the only free time I have. I feel like she’s taking my family away from me.

I really feel let down as she was my friend and now I’m just so embarrassed by her. Can anyone relate?

She doesn't owe you access to her home and life whenever you fancy because you introduced her to her partner!!

You've really got a bee in your bonnet about her "coming from nothing". It all sounds a bit Dickensian. Are you an Oliver Twist gal or more into David Copperfield?

My mum does come to me. I’ve said that- she visits and stays but I don’t have the room to take care of her long term. And the issue is my SIL shouldn’t be telling me when I can or can’t visit because I’m literally the reason she’s a) here in the first place, b) my situation where I’ve lost my baby (she only messaged me once to say sorry for your loss, hasn’t messaged to check up on me) c) I obviously need my mum at a time like this. She is welcome to put the kids to bed, I don’t expect her to sit with me , I just find it so beyond rude she would say something like this to me. Also is bedtime really that important? Especially on the weekends? Can’t she push it later to like 9 or something? We all have busy schedules

Imagine thinking you have the right to turn up at somebody else's house and impose yourself on them just whenever you please.

You're so damn rude

Yeah babez you really are over egging it now hun
less is more

Yes her kids bedtimes are important. Can't you just go round after they are in bed?

You still haven't explained why you can't go in the daytime. You are making a big song and dance about it shouldn't be inconvenient for SIL to invite you in at bedtime, but you are failing to recognise that you find it inconvenient any other time. Which is crazy. Why is it only at bedtime you want to go there? You still haven't said whether you work or if you are at home and can go in the day which I think you refuse to answer as you know you could visit in the day.
Also why would you turn up with your own kids at bedtime? Don't you want to put them to bed at a reasonable time rather than dragging them out at night?
As others have suggested talk to your midwife about counselling and the miscarriage. It's not down to your SIL to provide a listening service, especially if you speak to her the way you have spoken to people on here.

Why can’t you go before 6pm even on weekends? Or send your kids to one of their clubs with your DH and go and see your mum? Or talk to your mum on the phone?

I’m really struggling to see how your only option is going with your kids at exactly the time she’s getting her kids ready for bed!

Also, digging your heels in and saying why can’t she just push bed time back until 9pm is unbelievably unreasonable. That’s like 3 hours late and I know that I get my young kids to bed at the same time every day because routine is so so important to children and I damn well want my couple of hours in the evening without them, especially at the weekend!

Are you on the bloody wind up?

So you can't possibly change your schedule to go at a more convenient time for you brother and sil but they have to chsnge their schedule to accommodate you?

You are very unkind about your sil. She doesnt owe you anything

I'm sorry you feel pushed out and unable to seek support from your mum in a way that you want, but unless you make space for your mum to come live you you, you have no right to have her at your beck and call for you to visit

Develop a support network for yourself that doesn't just rely on your elderly mum and unlimited access to you sil and brothers home

fantastic advice

OP, you should really listen to what people are saying. Your mum lives there but so does your SIL and brother. Your SIL is perfectly reasonable to say that she can't have you (and your kid/s) round in the evening because of bed times and needing to rest. That must be massively disruptive. She does not owe you because you introduced her to your brother, or because she's now part of your family when she had a poor relationship with her blood family. Neither can you play top trumps in which of you has had a harder time. I suggest you listen to people's advice and see your mum in other ways, during the day, invite her to yours for an evening meal or for a chat, ring her up instead of going round. There's so many options.

You’re so right. She’s so lucky to have met you. Without you being so gracious she’d have nothing clearly. She wouldn’t be saddled with a dickhead SIL, heavily pregnant on top of having several other children and she wouldn’t have her MIL living at her house and taking care of her. Honestly, this woman owes you big time 🙄

Everyone is entitled to have boundaries. Hers is a very reasonable no visitors around bedtime for the children.

the problem here isn’t your sister in law. It’s your entitled attitude.

She’s my mum, I should be able to see her when I want to. And for everyone who’s talking about care home timings, this is why as a family we agreed for her not to go into a care home. But my SIL thinks she can just rule the place. I’m heavily pregnant too and have it way worse - like I lost a child! This is her third! She has no idea what it’s like. So she should at least be compassionate instead of saying oh don’t come round. Like honestly, I am not the unreasonable one.

You're still being unreasonable especially when you've had all this in an earlier post

She can rule the place, because it's her house.

you do realise the world doesn’t revolve around you don’t you?

Could you be a bit compassionate towards her and realise she's not comfortable with someone coming around whenever they like? Otherwise can feel really disruptive when she just wants to get the kids in bed and relax a bit.

She has a lot on her plate, I wouldn't want evening visitors in my house all the time.

Yes, your mum lives there, but that doesn't mean you're entitled to go around whenever it happens to suit you.

Kindly, could you look into therapy if its support you're needing? You've been through a lot, and sounds like have a few things to work through?

But look how benevolent of the sil @justannoyed1 is! She’s even graciously said that in her own home sil is welcome to put the kids to bed 😆

@Thebellistollingthis is my last post because no one understands me. For the record SHE should be buying ME a gift and saying sorry. I actually regret ever meeting her, let alone letting her in the family. You all just won’t understand until it happens to you. Goodnight!

A gift?! What ever for?!!

Ah bless
do you want an even bigger spoon op?

Sorry but you are. My Mum lives in her own place and I don’t think that I can just rock up to hers whenever the mood takes me. I make sure that it is a convenient day and time first.

And making an introduction is not difficult. It’s no skin off your nose. Your didn’t trek the Himalayas to make it, or pay thousands for the privilege. Please stop acting like you’re owed something.