Trusted the wrong person

[justannoyed1]

I am heavily pregnant and have suffered a devastating miscarriage previously. My issue is that my former friend (now SIL) is making my situation worse.

My mum lives with her and my brother and I really need access to my mum. Before anyone says anything, yes she comes to visit and I would happily have her live with me but simply don’t have the space.

What’s happened is my SIL has basically said how me and my sisters aren’t welcome in the house (until she gives birth, as we come late in the evening with our kids and she’s having complications etc) my problem is she’s always having complications- this is her 3rd kid and I feel she’s so dramatic. I have it so much worse than her but I would never message saying she’s not welcome to pop over. Also I would pop over during the day but with school timings and clubs at the weekend , evening is really the only free time I have. I feel like she’s taking my family away from me.

I really feel let down as she was my friend and now I’m just so embarrassed by her. Can anyone relate?

The big issue is you're turning up at bedtime and getting in the way of her settling her children down when she's already feeling rotten with complications of her pregnancy.

Team sister in law

You want to impose on her and she’s setting boundaries

Never mind, I’ve done so much for her- it’s so annoying no one is seeing my side. I introduced her to my brother for Christ’s sake! Biggest mistake. Anyway, thank you for your views 😒

You say she’s stopping you from seeing your mum when you’ve lost a baby but from your OP I was under the impression you previously lost a pregnancy and now you are heavily pregnant with another baby?

I could understand more if you had just lost a pregnancy however you can’t forever use the reason that you once had a miscarriage for turning up at this woman’s house frequently when it’s inconvenient for her.

It’s very sad that you had a miscarriage but you need to focus on what’s happening currently. You are heavily pregnant and will soon be welcoming your baby.

Do you have access to therapy?

You cannot just rock up whenever you like. It is not your home or your mother's home. It is your SIL and DB house. What does your DB say about it?

I love my very closest friends dearly however I wouldn’t be happy with them constantly turning up at my house in the evenings when I’m trying to battle to get my kids to bed.

You may be upset but you need to understand and respect that people are allowed to have boundaries when it comes to their homes.

That doesn't mean you can invade her home at inconvenient times for the rest of your life.

He’s actually super supportive unlike a lot of people on here and says he’s stuck in the middle but yes I’m welcome to come anytime to visit MY mum.

I wouldn’t have wanted family visiting when I was getting the DCs settled for the evening. If you want to visit your Mum you should go during the day. Your SIL sounds like an angel looking after your elderly Mum so that she doesn’t have to go into a care home. You should be full of gratitude as I’m assuming if your Mum didn’t live with them she would be forced to go into a care home. You wouldn’t be able to visit her there in the evenings either as they’d be putting the residents to bed.

You need to show a bit of appreciation to your SIL instead of throwing a paddy because you can’t have everything your way. I understand that you’re going through an emotional time, but you’ll feel better if you just respect your SIL’s boundaries.

The fact that nobody is seeing your side should tell you that you're not in the right. It's not ok to tip up at the house of a heavily pregnant woman who has young kids at 6pm with your own kids. It's inconvenient and selfish. Can you not leave your kids with your sister when you want to visit your mum and vice versa?

You are still being unreasonable.
And it’s still her house too, you are not entitled to visits as and when it suits you, and she still doesn’t need to offer you food. HTH.

can you sneak in without the kids being aware of it, or it that not realistic?

If you're so caught up on her being YOUR mum, when SIL is doing the caring for her, then why not have her come live at yours?

Your mum is living in her house and as your mother would otherwise be living in a care home, your sister in law is presumably providing some level of care to your mother, plus looking after her kids, as well as being pregnant.

You are turning up to see your mother, at the kids bedtime. But the thing that’s struck me is that you are turning up to see your mother when YOU are feeling down. It’s not to care for your mother or provide support, you’re going round when YOU want support from your presumably elderly mother.

I’m sorry, but I think you’re being unreasonable and burying your head in the sand about it.

Is he around at the kids' bedtime?

Yes, a much more aggressive, vitriolic thread!!

So if you know that 6pm isn't a great time, can you go another time?

It doesn't sound like she is stopping you from seeing your Mum, just that she would prefer you not go at bed time.

OK, so if he's OK with it keep doing it. Tell your brother to deal with his wife.

Be prepared for him to change his tune though.

Do you wish your mum was living with you? Is that why your so possessive of her?

Give it a rest, it doesn't matter how you word it, you're unreasonable you were told that clearly enough on your other thread. Also put your children to bed at a reasonable time.

Previous one seems to have been deleted

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I’d like to know why your mum would otherwise be in a care home - you and sil are both pregnant, so presumably your mum isn’t elderly.
Does she have something wrong that means she’d otherwise need care? Does sil care for her?
Why doesn’t your mum visit you more often in the evening?

Kindly, OP - your SIL is setting boundaries that work for her and her family. Having you land at 6pm with children when she’ll be doing dinner, clearing up, organising bed time and probably after a long day just wants to relax in her own home. She’s allowed to set those boundaries. You mum lives with them and that’s probably a lot for her as well, especially if she’s having a complicated pregnancy. And pregnancy complications aren’t a competition or to be compared. If your SIL is finding it hard being pregnant she should be able to say she is and not be judged on a scale of how bad it is compared to your loss.

I’m really sorry for your loss but it’s not fair for you to be dismissive of your SIL’s problems. But if you really want to find a way forward so you can see your mum, you need to stop being frustrated at your SIL and look for alternative ways. There have been some good suggestions in here.

It still doesn't make sense why the only possible time you can go is in the evening. Don't you see that by you also saying you can't do any other time is the same as her saying not to come in the evening. You both have times that are inconvenient.
Yours however just don't make sense. Surely you can't be busy all day Saturday and Sunday daytime? Or unable to have your partner or sister take the children to a club.
You also haven't said whether you work during the day time (only mentioned school run) so if you are actually on maternity leave or don't work then it is very unreasonable you don't visit in the daytime.

I really feel let down as she was my friend and now I’m just so embarrassed by her. Can anyone relate?
you’re let down and embarrassed that she won’t bow to your demands?

I’m going to try and be gentle OP but it’s clear there’s a lot going on here.

1. Your Mum you describe as being really elderly and that you’ve agreed as a family she shouldn’t go into a care home. So your brother and S-I-L are not just caring for their children, they’re caring for Mum too. Trust me when I say this unless you have been in that position you have no idea how much it takes out of you caring for an elderly relative no matter how independent they may seem to the outside world. That’s a heavy physical and psychological load.
2. They have (at least 2 - now 3? Wasn’t sure from your post) young children. Depending on their age, 6pm IS late. If you visit for an hour that’s one hour of their routine disrupted. It takes away focus from bathtime, story time, supper - all of the settling down time young children need to be set up for the best night of sleep they can get. Even if you leave at 7, there’s the “come down” after you’ve gone getting them over the excitement of visitors.
3. if SiL is currently pregnant this is also the last opportunity they have as a family before welcoming a new baby who will disrupt their routines, demand more of their time and therefore she may well be wanting to have that quality time making sure they feel as valued as she can make them before they give up a bit of their time.
4. Respectfully, it’s not for you to say whether she’s being dramatic. It’s not for you to decide how any complications she is having make her feel.
5. Your visits also likely impact on the time she has with her husband. When routines get thrown out the first things sacrificed are time with partners and housework.

I’ve been the person who looked after a parent because other people didn’t have space, worked too long hours etc… It’s a lonely, hard, and often thankless task no matter how much you love them. If there is an opportunity to visit during the day e.g at weekends and you feel that you need that rather than telephone time with your Mum then you need to look at your own diary to make that work OP but please also seek out professional support x