Trusted the wrong person

[justannoyed1]

I am heavily pregnant and have suffered a devastating miscarriage previously. My issue is that my former friend (now SIL) is making my situation worse.

My mum lives with her and my brother and I really need access to my mum. Before anyone says anything, yes she comes to visit and I would happily have her live with me but simply don’t have the space.

What’s happened is my SIL has basically said how me and my sisters aren’t welcome in the house (until she gives birth, as we come late in the evening with our kids and she’s having complications etc) my problem is she’s always having complications- this is her 3rd kid and I feel she’s so dramatic. I have it so much worse than her but I would never message saying she’s not welcome to pop over. Also I would pop over during the day but with school timings and clubs at the weekend , evening is really the only free time I have. I feel like she’s taking my family away from me.

I really feel let down as she was my friend and now I’m just so embarrassed by her. Can anyone relate?

If you want to be able to visit your mum whenever suits you, you need to find a way to have her living with you (move house, extension etc). Your brother and SIL have done a huge service by moving her into their home so you should show some gratitude and not visit when you know it's inconvenient for their family.

If your mum was in a home you'd have to work to their visiting hours so no difference.

Your SIL is pregnant and is having complications, and is likely tired by the end of the day. She wants to get her children fed, bathed and in bed, so she can then rest herself. I absolutely understand you are scared because you're heavily pregnant and have miscarried previously. We all want our Mum when we're scared and unsure, no matter how old we are. However, you have to understand that your Mum lives with your brother and SIL, and they are within their rights to say they don't want visitors at 6 pm. It's smack, bang in the middle of meal times, bath time and bed time for their children. That isn't unreasonable at all. They aren't stopping you from seeing your Mum, they are merely saying that they don't want you turning up (presumably unannounced) at 6 pm. Can't you go to visit your Mum earlier on in the day? Could your Mum come and visit you instead? Could you go at the weekend during the day? I assume you can call your Mum? Could your brother set something up, so you can Facetime your Mum? You can't expect to rock up to someone else's house, when you feel like it, regardless of who lives there!

Try and see it from her point of view. Just like you, she's pregnant and tired. You've been through a lot, I saw your other thread, but your SIL is going through a lot too. She's got your Mum there and her own young children. If you fall out now or lose her trust it will be rotten for you when the baby's born.
Maybe send SIL a nice message and do coffee with your Mum tomorrow. A gift for SIL and a little card might be nice too.
These relationships are too important to sacrifice, especially at this point in your life.

Most parents i know of start winding down time at 6pm.
Bath light snack pjs book time get settled in bed by 8pm.
Other familys have dinner at 6pm and start their wind down at 7 kids all in bed at 9pm.
Alot goes in to all op.
I dont have kids but i would never turn up for a visit as its family time at the end of the evening really, unless i was asked to go over.

If you are not working at some points of the day then you go round then.
I really want to be on your side here as it must be hard to not be able to see you mum as often as you like.
However you say 'its not even every day' as if it might be every couple of days??
I've also just re read your post and you are taking your kids with you!!
Of course that is disruptive and ureasonable.
I love my sister to bits, but if she kept turning up at my house mid tea and bedtime, I wouldn't cope with it well.

With kindness, I think you need to contact your midwife and discuss a referral to the mental health midwife.
Of course having had a loss previously is awful and you are going to be effected by it. But you shouldn't be this badly effected that it is dominating your thoughts in the evening.

You should he able to relax in your home and spend the evening at home, doing bedtime routine with your kids.

Sounds rude op.
But do try to see it from her point its not all about you.

What do you mean when you say you've trusted the wrong person?

She means she introduced her mate to her brother and so she expects her SIL to do whatever she wants for the rest of their lives. Because her SIL “would have nothing without her”.

Your posts in your earlier thread made it clear that you think she is beneath you. You think she owes you her whole life because you introduced her to your brother.

And you don’t like that people are pointing out that she is entitled to lay down some rules IN HER OWN HOUSE. But you’re just going to point out that it’s your brothers house and she’d be nothing without your family so I guess you’ll ignore this too.

I am exceptionally close to my daughter but she really needs the house calm after 5pm that absolutely includes not having me there . I can remember my sister used to regularly pop in on her way home from work and it was tricky because it was over bath and bedtime.
why don’t you call in during the day like others have suggested?

I'm always amused when posters start several threads in the vain hope people will eventually agree with them

Thank you for explaining.

I think feeling entitled to go around to anyone's house multiple evenings a week (for whatever reason) is a lot to expect anyone to be okay with.

Can you not phone and speak to your mum instead, OP?

And maybe agree one evening a week you can visit in person?

With kindness, you are being too much right now. You've been told you are not welcome to be constantly visiting and disrupting the kids' bedtimes, so you have to suck it up.

If you cannot visit your mum at your whim (because you opted to have her live with your brother, so they have a big burden you don't have) you need to figure out alternative solutions. Talk on the phone, video call, have your mum to stay at yours, take your mum out for trips to get some 1-2-1 time with her. The situation is what it is, the solution you want is not viable, so figure out the next best thing.

OP sounds like a petulant toddler stamping her feet

I think OP lost the twin of the baby that she is carrying so this is very recent. However, her previous thread was deleted as she became very angry with posters not agreeing with her and was very insulting about her SIL.

Because your sil and brother are obviously struggling with the drudge and routine of day to day life with work/kids and its making it harder if you come and visit after 6pm

Why not ring your mum when you want to talk?

Maybe try having set days where you pick her up and she comes round for tea before dropping her home again? Obviously this depends on what your mum wants as well... maybe sometimes she just wants to relax at home

Can you develop more support? There is miscarriage charities and loss helplines that you could also reach out to?

What's your plan OP? Are you going to keep starting new threads, taking all the unreasonable bits out that you've done, until someone finally agrees with you?

It is also her house.

Would you want visitors at times when you specifically requested they didn't come?

If you weren't bringing the kids that would be one thing.

So how would you feel if your friend came from nothing, literally had a shite relationship with her family and you welcomed her into your family. Now 7 years down the line, she’s stopping you from seeing your own mum?

But she isn't. You don't seem to get that there are other times of day you could visit or for you to organise your mum coming to you.

Edited to add: she is with your SIL and brother as otherwise she would be in a care home. Do you think if she was in a home you would be able to rock up any time you pleased?

Only because she lives in her house. She could live in your house and you see her every day. You could see her at other times, or other places. She's just asking you don't keep dropping in with your children at the most inconvenient time of the day for parents of young kids.

No body who has young kids wants people turning up at 6:30. Why couldn't you go round after they were in bed?

But she’s not, you just can’t go at bedtime which I totally agree with and I’m not heavily pregnant. I really don’t want anybody in my house after 6pm.

You could go in the day whilst your children are at school. Or at the weekends before or after clubs. Or you could pick your mum up??

You can see your mum, but it cannot be on all your terms.

Yeah, you posted this earlier. You don't magically become unreasonable by repeatedly posting the same scenario.

Everyone can understand what you're saying hun
its not them it's u babe