Humiliated in restaurant

[Satwife]

Out for a meal last night with family/wider family. Starters all came at different points and a couple of issues with the mains too (forgetting sides). I had a polite word with the waitress who was apologetic. DH felt this was unnecessary.

Bill was brought over by a man and he apologised for the issues and said they were very busy with new staff getting used to things before December. Apology was directed to me.

DH said ‘sorry mate, she’s due on’ and laughed. Man didn’t react and awkwardly said he’d get the card machine.

DH maintains today I was being unreasonable and he attempted to diffuse things with humour!

What a bellend

Genuine question and I don’t mean to
sound snarky, but why did you marry him/get into a relationship if not married? So many women complain about such remarks from their husbands but I find it very hard to believe they hid their truth sense of humour until after the wedding night.

I find it really juvenile and low class. But they’ll all continue to do it if there’s women out there willing to accept them for their true vulgar selves.

You sound like you have a chip on your shoulder

Horrified - what a wanker..

Disgusting man. I hate men who have a negative attitude toward women.

That's ok, I'm happy to be honest. When I first met him, I had not long got out of an abusive relationship. Don't get me wrong, he's great in some ways, but not the 'banter' element. But back then, I had no self-esteem, no self-confidence, and no love for myself. No though, as the years have gone on and I've boosted myself up and know my self-worth, he's been given an ultimatum to sort himself out or we are done in the new year. Had I been the person I am now back then, he wouldn't have lasted long.
Unfortunately, when people have come from abused childhoods and relationships like myself, you attract disrespectful people. I've always said, if/when I end up single, I'll happily stay that way until someone who is decent comes along or quite honestly, for the rest of my days.

Well done to the cashier.

Absolutely. I've always been used to people laughing along (whether embarrassed or because they are dicks), so it reminded me there are decent people out there still.

Here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5445449-first-date-slapped-me-on-bottom?page=3&reply=148584529

As someone who has worked in a similar role to the man who presented the bill and apologised for the poor service I can say that it is your dh who showed himself up and should be ashamed of his comments as everyone who worked in the restaurant would know what an absolute moron he is

The only humiliation on yours and those at your table should be that you had to sit down and eat with this oaf.

Would much prefer that someone flagged something that wasn’t right at the time so we can put it right rather than leave a bad review
Granted if it isn’t put right then go ahead and leave the review.

The only thing I would say to that is she is the only person that can allow herself to be ill treated.

i would suggest having a look at the freedom program. Might help but the only person that change this is her. Firstly she needs to understand this is abuse.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I must have missed it, but where was the "joke"? And why did any "awkwardness" need "alleviating" by OP's DH?
There shouldn't have been any awkwardness in a decent restaurant with professional staff. OP made a complaint about poor service - just as she should, and just as she had a right to do. Why did this need her "D"H's involvement at all? He could have just kept his stupid, fat mouth shut - or gone to the loo if he couldn't cope with it. It was "unnecessary" for him to make a "joke" at OP's expense, but he did anyway, and I'm sure if anyone made an "unnecessary joke" at your expense you wouldn't be so "easy going and relaxed" about it.

Are you quite well? None of it sounds as though it was the waitress’s fault but she can pass on the message to the kitchen/manager. A review just harms future business without solving the problem. Speaking to the manager is unnecessary.

You know what, this is a discusdion I’ve had many times with my dcs.
it was about table manner but it applies there too.

Whatever you do at home, you’ll do in a restaurant too.

And for your dh, whatever he says ‘with the lads’, he’ll say in other places. Like with you at the restaurant.
He shouldn’t be talking like this with the lads either. The fact you are there to hear it changes nothing. Because it’s about his views of women. And That’s not going to change between the pub and home,

I was brought up to discretely let the wait staff know if something is wrong - my dads theory being that you’re helping them have s great business.
I still find people cringe tho which is wierd - so often mention it on my way to the loo rather than at the table.

I see your point but having worked in pubs for many years until covid, I can assure you that even the most ‘normal’ appearing man (the type many posters describe being married to) say some absolute filth when their other halves aren’t around. It’s a tale as old as time. I’m not excusing it - but let’s get real here.

What you’re saying g is that most men are sexist pugs that should be avoided.

Thats probably quite true.
But when women say that, we then have the ‘not all men’ and we are accused of misandry.
What’s sure is that we shouldn’t accept it and feel humiliated. Because of anything, it’s men like this that should be humiliated/shamed for that sort of behaviour. It’s not men being men. It’s men behaving in a way that has been seing as acceptable until recently.

Here it is: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5445449-first-date-slapped-me-on-bottom?page=3&reply=148584529
(Weirdly, I replied to you before, but it got posted in a reply to another PP I replied to.)

Thanks!

Apologising for your behaviour is abusive and misogynistic

But they may also say that type of absolute filth when their DWs are around - just as yours does. How would you know they aren't equally juvenile and vile with their OHs unless you sit in on their relationships 24/7?
I've been with my DH for almost 45 years - he never made a "joke" about my periods any more than he made a "joke" about my menopause. He simply wouldn't think it funny to degrade and disrespect me like that - even in private, let alone in public - and I'm certain he knows I wouldn't find it funny! In fact, if he'd heard your DH he'd have felt terribly embarrassed for you and not been remotely amused because, well, it's a pretty disgusting thing to say, isn't it?

You sound very young and foolish. OP dealt with it in precisely the way she should have - speaking directly to the waitress serving their table. She should NOT have gone over the waitress's head to her manager (unless the waitress was unable to deal with the problem) and certainly not leave a review without raising the issues in person at the time - only a thick, pathetic coward who's incapable of complaining calmly, assertively and politely does that.

Part of the issue with you being married to a man like this is the fact that you assume all men are like this. I know for a fact that a combination of intelligence and values would mean my husband would never demean me in the way yours has, nor would his friends. Make no mistake about it, you’re husband is responsible for his deplorable actions but you are responsible for putting up with it and not demanding that your spouse treat you with dignity and respect.

Well, there’s your ordinary sexist behaviour and then there’s this.
Next Level Misogyny.
Horrible, unforgivable, utterly disgusting.
I’m so sorry, OP, he sounds truly appalling.

I cant understand why you have even bothered posting this.

If people have said it is bad you have excused him. What was the point in asking!