Humiliated in restaurant

[Satwife]

Out for a meal last night with family/wider family. Starters all came at different points and a couple of issues with the mains too (forgetting sides). I had a polite word with the waitress who was apologetic. DH felt this was unnecessary.

Bill was brought over by a man and he apologised for the issues and said they were very busy with new staff getting used to things before December. Apology was directed to me.

DH said ‘sorry mate, she’s due on’ and laughed. Man didn’t react and awkwardly said he’d get the card machine.

DH maintains today I was being unreasonable and he attempted to diffuse things with humour!

I wonder if he also felt protective of the waitress, was she a lot younger by any chance? 🙄

He's clearly not very bright; doesn't realise what a jerk that makes him seem.

Oh, good to know you're intolerant of people, but not bad service. Interesting.

My husband would never say something like that either in front of me or with the “lads”. It’s so far below who he is as a person and a man. I urge you to raise your bar when it comes to the people you allow into your life.

I know for a fact that my DH doesn’t joke with his mates about women being on their periods if they complain or aren’t happy. I know he wouldn’t say I’m unshaggable in jest or comment on any woman’s looks with his mates. They talk about music, sports, culture, beer, get drunk. I don’t have to worry if he might get drunk and start being misogynistic, because that’s not who he is. And I wouldn’t be married to him if he had to “rein it in” with me but was actually a misogynistic prick with his mates.

I used to think this as well. Then I divorced and realised that no, not all men make lewd jokes. Not all men would have a lap dance or extra marital shag if they could get away with it. Not all men are misogynistic pricks who don’t respect women but manage to pretend they do when in their company.

I find it really sad that so many women (including me) think this

Not only was he leaving you to try and sort out the messed up food order by yourself, but he then tries to put you down with that god damn awful comment.

Does he have form for this kind of behaviour?

I sort of see both sides of this, I can see how it was humiliating for you, I can also see that he might have been making a joke to the staff to alleviate any awkwardness from your complaint (albeit it totally was a joke at your expense.)

Personally I rarely complain at restaurants, I’m easy going and relaxed even if raising a concern - so there isn’t really any residual awkwardness or tension. So personally I would find the need for anyone to make jokes at my expense unnecessary, but I’d also find it unnecessary for the male staff member to make a pointed apology in my direction speaking about new staffing etc

No, no, nooooo! How dare he!! Absolutely no need for that! If he doesnt accept he's in the wrong you've got to think about what an example he's setting for his kids. That's really rough OP as I suspect that not the first time he's said something sexist and misogynistic. I do feel for you.

Tell him to fuck off back to the 1970s where he belongs.

Very Lee from The Office

I'd have big issues with this - not sure our marriage would survive it. Seriously so out of order - is he normally a complete knob?

revolting, misogynistic comment. Your husband actually hates you. This would be divorce, although I can’t believe he doesn’t have previous form

So it's OK that he's a knob as long as you don't hear it?

He sounds revolting, and if you think making comments like that is typical your friendship group leaves very much to be desired

It's not the 1970s, most teenagers would have grown out of saying anything as pathetic as that

Downton abbey, really. I've watched it all and the films, which female character would have put up with being told what her opinion was??

Ignore @Lollylucyclark101, you did the right thing by politely pointing out to the waitress there had been a few issues. Asking for the manager is an escalation and only necessary if the waiting staff aren’t able to deal with it to your satisfaction. Imagine if the manager was called every time people got the wrong meal of the food was cold!

Sorry your H is such an embarrassment. I would have been livid and I’m not sure I would be able to come back from it in terms of having love and respect for him in future. There might be a small chance if he was VERY apologetic after, and if he was generally a good guy who’s respectful to and about women.

This is not typical. This talk is not acceptable even with the ‘lads’, he’s revolting

Him indoors does shit like this. He has ADHD and undiagnosed autistic, but that's no excuse.
I was in Coop with him a while back, and the cashier asked if he wanted a bag, to which he did his usual snigger and said 'nah, I've already got one', meaning me. Well, he didn't get the response he expected because people behind him stood stoney faced and the cashier said 'that's awful, I hate that, I hate when men say that.' I said, 'thank you! I get sick of hearing it.' He soon shut his mouth.

The thing about humour is a) it’s supposed to be funny and b) ideally both parties find it amusing. You’re definitely not being unreasonable. How do you feel about this?

c) A woman went on a first date, and he hit her so hard on the bottom, in public, that he left a bruise through her clothes.

What?! Where is the link to this thread?

Completely undermining comment that was completely unnecessary. Due on? I cannot believe a grown man speaks like that about his own wife to a complete stranger. There are other ways he could ‘defuse’ the situation, although I don’t think there was anything to defuse to be honest.

YANBU OP

If my DH said that about me I would respond something like - oh, ignore him, he’s a juvenile idiot.

It is very typical actually with a certain calibre of men, unfortunately.

As someone who has worked in hospitality, the waitress would by far rather someone had a quiet word with them than be left a bad review over something that could have been solved well before that stage

You're absolutely correct. Hoteliers and restauranteurs would always prefer for guests/diners to raise any issues F2F and not leave bad reviews after the event.