My DH doesn't allow me to have any emotions

[IamnotaRobotic]

I feel like my DH wants me to be a robot or shop dummy. If I show any emotion to anything he gets angry, or tells me to "chill". I am not highly strung, quite the opposite. Can't remember the last time I cried, for example.

I do everything in the house, whilst he relaxes. I do this because I WFH and he has a stressful job. But then if I'm knackered from that I get told to chill out.

He never wants sex, which admittedly does make me a bit snappy because I have a healthy sex drive. I'm menopausal but have not had any mood swings from it, I've been very lucky, but I feel like he's playing on that and making out that I am different, when I'm definitely not. If anything, I am sailing through it.

I'm not allowed to be nervous about anything without being shouted at to "chill". For example, yesterday I saw that a train we are meant to get tomorrow was showing as cancelled due to a storm. It's a 300 mile journey to connect us to a long haul flight. My reaction was to say "Oh no!"......he clicked into the tab and actually it wasn't cancelled, just part of the journey was changed to a bus, so all good, but then I got a lecture on how everything was fine and I shouldn't have over reacted by saying "Oh no".

He talks over me ALL the time. I can never finish a sentence. I feel like he doesn't listen to me. Often evidenced by him asking me something that I just told him a few hours ago. I feel totally stifled. I have tried telling him what I need this morning, and he just busied himself around the kitchen, only half listening. I can't get him to just stand still, look at me and listen. He always has one eye on a phone/laptop/TV/other random task.

He constantly makes jokes at my expense. Can't think of an example, but they make me feel like he's having banter with a bloke, rather than treating me like his wife.

The glimmer of hope is that when we go out together, I seem to get the old him and "us" back. But we don't do that often because of work.

The sex thing is just dire. We'be had sex 6 times this year. Once was good, the other 5 times were 10 minute fumbles where he loses his erection and it fizzles out. He hasn't ejaculated in about 2 years. If I try to talk about this, it's never a "good time". Not now, because you'll spoil the night. Not now, we are going away, you'll spoil it.

Not sure what I am asking for here!

Doesn’t sound like there’s much positive there. I would insist on a serious conversation, if no change (there won’t be) then make plans to leave.

I would start with the sex difficulties. It's something lots of men experience, assuming he is around the same age as you, its a medical problem and burying his head in the sand about it isn't a long term strategy. I expect he finds it hugely difficult to talk about and face up to. I would have a conversation about how important a good sex life with him is to you, normalise the difficulty, and let him know he needs to see the GP about it.

The rest, to be honest, sounds easier to deal with. It also sounds to me as if you have quite a nice life together in some ways, you get the old him back at times, and I'd approach this with understanding and warmth and the hope of having a good future together. Sometimes it does take some work to get things back on track especially during life/body change phases.

We have had MANY conversations about the lack of sex. Nothing changes, even if I feel like he has listened. He told me this morning that he had been planning on seducing me this afternoon, but now I've ruined it. As if! It's just another excuse.

We have talked about the sex thing hundreds of times. Nothing ever changes, sadly. I am stumped as to where we go from here. I did not plan on being celibate at 55.

Lots of people are uncomfortable with emotions in others and some are also uncomfortable with emotions in themselves. It is largely down to upbringing and growing in an emotionally cold environment. It takes a lot of work for them to change and that requires them to have drive to do so. Does your husband show any signs or desires to address his shortcomings? There is of course an unintended pun there too

If not then you have to think about what changes you are willing to make to your situation. The reason for making a change cannot be about finding another partner that can meet your emotional needs but that at least you can be allowed not to deny your emotional needs to yourself and have the possibility to meet other people in the future if that is what you want.

Things sound very unhappy for you in your current relationship.

Yes, it is. He didn't really expect you to believe it, did he?

My DH is similar in a lot of ways too, especially if I show any emotion & it’s always me ‘ruining’ things as he was ‘just about to do it / tell me’ etc etc. I have no advice as I know I need to leave as he won’t change (we have talked about it many times) but am not brave enough to make that step, but you have my sympathies Op.

Gah, it's hard isn't it? I mean, are we supposed to be manaquins?

He's now ignoring me. So that's lovely.

Divorce the loser, he pretends to the world he is a family man based on your effort. Don’t let him to do it anymore.

I think it’s a manipulation tactic and is rooted in misogyny. Men seem to think that women are highly emotional creatures and that men are not, in fact I think that often it’s the other way around. They see showing emotion as weakness. I have certainly curbed my emotions around my OH as he threw them at me like they were failures on my part (if I cried for example he might say ‘it’s not all about you.’) Now, unfortunately I have almost no emotion because I’ve controlled it so well for so long. I don’t feel excitement or anger for example. The downside of that for him is that I don’t feel love at all (except for my children and even that has been affected, it isn’t an outward pouring of love as it once was) so I suppose he’s only got himself to blame. I think the sex is completely separate and honestly there doesn’t seem much left to save but I wouldn’t take advice from someone as messed up as me.

Show him your anger emotion, pure rage in fact.

The reason you get him "back" when you go out together is because he wants to look good in public.

Also, when he makes jokes about you do the same to him especially about erectile dysfunction.

So he isn't nice to you, doesn't listen to you and won't talk about important things like intimacy. What do you get out of it?

And this is what he's defensive about. He's always deflecting, holding you at arms length.

My dh used to do the kind of public banter put downs. I got fed up with it. I knew every time we would meet a delivery driver, sales person, checkout worker etc it would be the same, making me out to be a fool in some way.

One day I just said "oh sorry about dh, he is socially awkward and makes these put downs about me because he finds interactions like this challenging and it seems to be his go-to to try to embarrass me instead"

He hasn't done it since.

This is awful, I'm so sorry :-(

The sex thing drives me mad. He doesn't understand, that for me it's something I really need. He loves his wine and cigarettes. I've tried saying to him "Imagine if you could only have a glass of wine/cig when I allowed you to, and let's say it had been 2 months since I let you have it, how would you feel?"

I've been very childish and just hidden his fags. When he can't find them later, I will say "You can have one when I say so. It could be tonight, but it might be January. Who knows! And if you get snappy, I'll tell you to chill and not get emotional".

I would say that menopause is affecting you. It's enabling you to acquire an 'I give no fucks about what you think any more' mindset. Has he always been this way or has it been gradual with the ageing process? Because he sounds insufferable and as though he is the only person in the relationship who is allowed to think, feel or express an opinion.

If you think it's worth it you could try sitting him down again and having a talk but I honestly think that you leaving him (maybe for a 'break'?) might be the only option.

The lack of sex has been years, at least 10. He's only 53 and has no sex drive whatsoever. Had been like this since about 40.

The talking over me and put downs is more recent. I think he's fallen out of love with me, but it's all too convenient for him here, so he wouldn't think of leaving. I do all the housework and cooking. I also own the house.

He is also intent on retiring at 55, so this is a cushy number. If only he could just shut down my personality and emotions it would be perfect.

He needs to go to the doctor for a thorough check up. Blood tests including testosterone level. Depression screening questionnaire by the doctor. Potentially a prescription for Viagra would sort out his ED.

He sounds like a PITA. Why do you put up with him? Some individual counselling might be really useful for you to help you learn how to deal with his attacks on you having emotions, and if you want to stay.

Numbing your emotions like @Notsurewhatisnormalanymore has would be a bad thing. I started doing it with my DH and it started extending to my DD and life in general. I saw the effect it was having on DD. She thrives from me being open and loving with her. I adjusted what I was doing so it’s more balanced.

You're not allowed to show emotions but he shows anger which is an emotion obviously.
I CBA with the mind games and sometimes he's ok and then not 🤯

What a miserable existence, OP. LTB (my first ever).

A happy peaceful life awaits you. You can date and find all the sex you’ve been missing out on by being with this soulless man who can’t even get it up 💐

This sounds awful.

A few suggestions...

Next time he tells you to 'chill' tell him to fuck himself or similar. He speaks to you like shit. Is he getting away with it? Why?

It sounds like you have a good job, own a home... why is he walking over you?

Re the sex. Does he have a porn addiction? Gay? Have you suggested (as hes not willing to discuss) a more open arrangement.

Ffs. This is your actual life. Why is he dictating it ?

So you don’t connect physically because he doesn’t want sex and you can’t connect emotionally because he shuts down any conversation that’s above surface chit chat.

What are you still doing in this relationship, life is far too short.

ED is often a sign of other health issues such as diabetes or cardiovascular disease. About 40% of men over the age of 40 have experienced ED.
Psychologically, once a man has experienced ED it plays in his head and they often avoid sexual contact in case it happens again.
Encourage him to see his GP and get some baseline blood tests done.
Would you be interested in speaking to a counselor to discuss your feelings and options?
You can’t change him, only the way you respond to him so you need to decide if you want to continue like this.