My DH doesn't allow me to have any emotions

[IamnotaRobotic]

I feel like my DH wants me to be a robot or shop dummy. If I show any emotion to anything he gets angry, or tells me to "chill". I am not highly strung, quite the opposite. Can't remember the last time I cried, for example.

I do everything in the house, whilst he relaxes. I do this because I WFH and he has a stressful job. But then if I'm knackered from that I get told to chill out.

He never wants sex, which admittedly does make me a bit snappy because I have a healthy sex drive. I'm menopausal but have not had any mood swings from it, I've been very lucky, but I feel like he's playing on that and making out that I am different, when I'm definitely not. If anything, I am sailing through it.

I'm not allowed to be nervous about anything without being shouted at to "chill". For example, yesterday I saw that a train we are meant to get tomorrow was showing as cancelled due to a storm. It's a 300 mile journey to connect us to a long haul flight. My reaction was to say "Oh no!"......he clicked into the tab and actually it wasn't cancelled, just part of the journey was changed to a bus, so all good, but then I got a lecture on how everything was fine and I shouldn't have over reacted by saying "Oh no".

He talks over me ALL the time. I can never finish a sentence. I feel like he doesn't listen to me. Often evidenced by him asking me something that I just told him a few hours ago. I feel totally stifled. I have tried telling him what I need this morning, and he just busied himself around the kitchen, only half listening. I can't get him to just stand still, look at me and listen. He always has one eye on a phone/laptop/TV/other random task.

He constantly makes jokes at my expense. Can't think of an example, but they make me feel like he's having banter with a bloke, rather than treating me like his wife.

The glimmer of hope is that when we go out together, I seem to get the old him and "us" back. But we don't do that often because of work.

The sex thing is just dire. We'be had sex 6 times this year. Once was good, the other 5 times were 10 minute fumbles where he loses his erection and it fizzles out. He hasn't ejaculated in about 2 years. If I try to talk about this, it's never a "good time". Not now, because you'll spoil the night. Not now, we are going away, you'll spoil it.

Not sure what I am asking for here!

This.

What exactly do you get out of this relationship OP?

This sounds a joyless relationship. The lack of emotional connection would be a deal-breaker for me. You have the right to feel a range of emotions (but not a tirade so there obviously needs to be some balance).

I wonder if he's overstimulated in some way , eg depressed or ND and therefore has limited emotional resolution left to give you space for your emotions. (Even if I'm right, that doesn't make it ok for you though).

However if a man was writing about how to pressure a woman into sex there would be a very different response so I don't think your responses in this area are ok.

Sadly if you are married I don't think you can safely assume that you own the house as it is likely to be a marital and therefore joint assets to be divided up if you split up.

This reads like you are asking for permission to start divorce proceedings. There’s no benefit to staying in this relationship other than the leaving will be tricky.

He sounds awful frankly. I mean the sex thing is often not easy for men to face up to or speak about, but it definitely needs addressing. But not listening to you, stifling every emotional response. It's pretty much bordering on abusive.

Would it be a good idea to insist on counselling? Otherwise I feel he'll just carry on like this and you'll need to terminate the relationship for your own happiness and sanity.

It sounds like he just doesn't care about you op sorry, you are just another appliance beeping if you have anything to say. The sex thing sounds like something he needs to address, and won't, so you will get nowhere with that. As you get older he will likely get worse, so if you want to be happy i would say ltb, there are billions of men on earth, if you want one, you can find a better one.

This is SO manipulative of him to say. It’s like he’s trying to punish you for speaking your mind. Vile, narcissistic behaviour.

It sounds like it’s over.

Counselling?

The old gimmer here again. My dear…. . You. Are. Worth. More

Tell him it's time to separate as you are now incompatible? If he doesn't want put in the effort to treat you with kindness, he cannot expect you to stay in this relationship.

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… I wonder if he's overstimulated in some way , eg depressed or ND and therefore has limited emotional resolution left to give you space for your emotions. …
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Naa. He’s just a dick. 😄

Well I wouldn’t be staying in this pathetic relationship. Find someone who enriches your life rather than drains it.

I divorced my first husband for a very similar combination of what you are describing, plus his years and years of apparent disinterest in sex with his wife to find out about a string of other women. This screams emotional gaslighting to me in every way and is horribly familiar especially the BS about he was going to suddenly seduce you today but "you spoilt it" . You deserve better.
Don't do 21 years of it like I did. I'm now married to someone completely opposite in every way.

Obviously he does have some redeeming features. He's tall, dark and handsome. He is generous. He's funny. We both like to do the same things for fun. He's protective if we are out. He has a good job. We are good travel companions.

He's just apologised and we are back to normal. But I recognise this is a pattern we are in.

Yep my ex used to apologise when it got a bit too uncomfortable ie his gaslighting was showing a bit too much. Still got out, thank goodness.

I’m actually beginning to wonder if we’re married to the same man as this sounds so similar too. Good luck Op.

Things aren’t back to normal OP .
You’ve just swept everything under the carpet for the time being, but the dust is still there ..

That said I hope things work out for you & your husband..
You guys need to sort out your issues & you need a happy fulfilling sex life ..
All the best with everything & enjoy your holiday x

You're walking on eggshells in your own house.

I had this in my relationship, albeit expressed differently.

Sounds like you don't have kids living at home. In your shoes I'd trial leaving and renting a little place of your own/going to live with a friend. You may like it much better. Your time will be our own - sounds like currently it is spent on chores and managing the emotions of a difficult man.

Coincidentially 55 is the age when you can withdraw some pension money, so if you wanted to start a new, happier little life, sounds like there's no better time to try.

Why do I say 'trial leave'? Because he won't believe you actually will leave unless you just do. It may be a big shock to his system and whip him into shape, as losing their partner is a big fear of most men, they just don't see it day to day. Or you may just find that you're happier that way.

there you go then. Kick him out, job done.

why should she leave? she owns the house

How does him being good looking help you in anyway, given that he gaslights you constantly and withdrew sex a decade ago? Life is way too short for you to live like this @IamnotaRobotic . He knows you're really fed up so he made a completely strategic apology to shut you up and get you back in line. This is no way to live and it makes sense that you're incredibly unhappy and unfulfilled.

If they are married, she doesn't own the house

Oh that hits hard. I didn't expect to be celibate either and it's been 9 years for me! I will follow this thread with interest xx

Forties is very young to lose interest in sex especially for a man.
Could he be playing the field with one-night stands etc while maintaining his otherwise very nice life with you?
He wouldn't be the first.

Why haven’t you left him? He’s awful.

Firstly regarding emotions, anger is an emotion so it’s fair to say he’s more emotional than you. Maybe a conversation around his reactions and why he becomes so emotional when you show feeling.

Secondly you can’t change him if he wants to change/see a doctor he will , you can only be responsible for your choices