My DH doesn't allow me to have any emotions

[IamnotaRobotic]

I feel like my DH wants me to be a robot or shop dummy. If I show any emotion to anything he gets angry, or tells me to "chill". I am not highly strung, quite the opposite. Can't remember the last time I cried, for example.

I do everything in the house, whilst he relaxes. I do this because I WFH and he has a stressful job. But then if I'm knackered from that I get told to chill out.

He never wants sex, which admittedly does make me a bit snappy because I have a healthy sex drive. I'm menopausal but have not had any mood swings from it, I've been very lucky, but I feel like he's playing on that and making out that I am different, when I'm definitely not. If anything, I am sailing through it.

I'm not allowed to be nervous about anything without being shouted at to "chill". For example, yesterday I saw that a train we are meant to get tomorrow was showing as cancelled due to a storm. It's a 300 mile journey to connect us to a long haul flight. My reaction was to say "Oh no!"......he clicked into the tab and actually it wasn't cancelled, just part of the journey was changed to a bus, so all good, but then I got a lecture on how everything was fine and I shouldn't have over reacted by saying "Oh no".

He talks over me ALL the time. I can never finish a sentence. I feel like he doesn't listen to me. Often evidenced by him asking me something that I just told him a few hours ago. I feel totally stifled. I have tried telling him what I need this morning, and he just busied himself around the kitchen, only half listening. I can't get him to just stand still, look at me and listen. He always has one eye on a phone/laptop/TV/other random task.

He constantly makes jokes at my expense. Can't think of an example, but they make me feel like he's having banter with a bloke, rather than treating me like his wife.

The glimmer of hope is that when we go out together, I seem to get the old him and "us" back. But we don't do that often because of work.

The sex thing is just dire. We'be had sex 6 times this year. Once was good, the other 5 times were 10 minute fumbles where he loses his erection and it fizzles out. He hasn't ejaculated in about 2 years. If I try to talk about this, it's never a "good time". Not now, because you'll spoil the night. Not now, we are going away, you'll spoil it.

Not sure what I am asking for here!

What’s the point being tall, dark and handsome if he won’t shag you?

My ex used to do it if I was excited or enthusiastic about something, like he just wanted it shut down. Which of course it did because it was as if he’d just rained on my parade (or pissed on my chips as MN would say). It’s horrible.

So the relationship and the way he treats you is often crap but after ten years or so of it being this way you’re planning to stay, for financial reasons and the remaining positive things?

I don’t like your post about hiding his cigarettes and comparing it to him ‘gatekeeping’ sex. Consent matters. It’s clear that he doesn’t want sex much with you and that he doesn’t want to change that.

Your choices therefore seem to be to put up with it, seek to negotiate a change (tried and failed so far), seek to negotiate an ‘open relationship’ or end the relationship.

Does he have no sex drive I wonder or is he trying to avoid sex so he does not have to demonstrate his erectile dysfunction?

And it is not unusual for men to deal with their inadequacies by hitting out at someone else - e.g. by accusing you basically of being overemotional - rather than addressing his own emotions about his problem.

At present the way you are both dealing with this has an accusatory and challenging feel to it. I do not think that is the best way forward.

Maybe you both need some time apart. Can you go on a holiday and give yourself some time to reflect? You are in a bit of an impasse here and need to find some way of breaking the pattern.

Hey OP, I really feel for you. But the fact you still find him attractive, both physically and as a person (judging from your posts), makes things so much worse. It must be awful living with someone you love who treats you less than and who doesn't want to have sex with you. It will destroy your self esteem (and it looks like its already happening), and will suck all the joy out of your life.

You need to talk to him, but not about sex or other things - you need to ask him if he wants to stay with you. You need to tell him you can't live like this, and if he doesn't make any effort you will have to separate. Dont suggest divorce straight away, but say you will need to be apart for a bit to see what you both want.

If this is all too much, and you want to stay with him - then you need to grow some balls. Do bare minimum around the house. Spend more time doing what YOU like. Join a hobby, meet other people for friendship, be out of the house more. And tell him to shut up and fuck off every time he tries to put you down.

Of course he's apigised, that's how he is controlling you

‘We are back to normal’
So you’re just going to keep allowing him to treat you the way he does. More fool you.

Don’t waste any more of your life with this man.

It’s also unlikely that he just doesn’t have a sex drive, more likely he is watching porn. Men are pretty done for once they get hooked.

Follow your intuition and go find your happiness again

I hate people like that and it seems that often, it’s men.

Is he always like that or is it worse in public? He’s a miserable sod and wants to take you down with him. My DB is like that but mostly with family - every and any emotion, any remark, any action, and he will just tell you off, tell you to chill, make you feel bad. It’s like your mere existence embarrasses and bothers them.

I don’t talk to DB anymore and I don’t think I could put up with it from a partner. Especially if there isn’t even good sex as some sort of redeeming quality.

Are you married? If so, you owning the house doesn't matter ... he also owns it if you are married. If he retires at 55 there will be no "pension pot" to split thereafter, so maybe that's something to think about too.

I know women complain that there is/was so little information about peri/menopause, but I actually feel very sorry for men in our health case system with ED.

During covid our GP's trialed an online booking system which they kept on for a while (possibly even still), so you had to get through a few screens of frequent health complaints that could best be dealt with by the chemist, other clinics etc - but I was surprised to see how utterly dismissive they were of ED (I was making appt for myself, entirely unrelated, just to be clear). Clearly they got a lot of inquiries and wanted them just to go away (fair enough in the full throws of the Covid years, but this continued after and appeared to be the general approach).

And that's not fair - because it is an early warning system and men so rarely go to the GP - it just seems awful that there is no sexual health drop in centre to check thyroid, diabetes, blood pressure, heart, testosterone etc etc and to give them a wake up call that they need to be looking after themselves because it goes hand in hand with depression - and once depression and embarrassment and resignation set in - there is no way they are going to go to the GP.

Has anyone had a DH with ED who has had it actually successfully addressed? And if so, how?

(Paricularly interested if the male partner has low thyroid, but Thyroxin not making much difference. Asking for a friend... with a tall dark and handsome DH... 😉)

I was in a sexless relationship for nearly 20 years, and it does drain the life out of you. However, there were other things wrong with the relationship, the sex-lessness was a symptom not the cause. If you've talked about it hundreds of times and nothing has changed, then obviously the conversations are not getting it right. I would suggest not talking about the issue if past attempts have not worked, having one more go at it won't either. Have you considered counseling to get through to each other? ED can be hard for men to talk about, but there are solutions and also other forms of intimacy that can be deeply satisfying for both of you. Good luck!

I suggest that you do the Freedom Programme OP

This doesn’t sound like a happy marriage. How many more years can you put up with it? The sex thing would irritate me - not necessarily the lack of (well it would but I want to make my other point!), but the fact he’s not trying or doesn’t seem to care that you need it and it makes you happy.

wouldn’t he be worried you’ll leave or have an affair?

Christ don’t suggest that - it’s a shit and outdated programme. She’s be better off reading Lundy Bancroft and Susan Forward.

This marriage is over.

I am open mouthed at the poster who thought your problems were easy to solve with a nice chat, so that he understands how you feel 🙄

Its clear he regards you as irritating background noise to his otherwise nice life.

Accept this role or, preferably, leave and forge a new life.

All due respect but menopausal women don't always realise they're having mood swings. You may think you're the same as ever but that may not be the case to others.

What a horrible situation for you to be in. I imagine it saps the life out of you living like that continually.
Why do you stay?
Unfortunately, it's not just your house if you're married and have been so for a long time, which it sounds like you have been. You'd need to speak to a lawyer but I'm pretty certain he'd be entitled to some of it if you were to split up.
You only get one life though, and you owe it to yourself to lead it the best way possible! Time for some serious decisions....

Tell him to chill out

I ticked yabu for staying in this relationship. Life is too short to be ignored and spoken over! Get out and start living for you!

Oh dear if he goes to the doctors and gets his testosterone tested it will be way low no doubt, they’ll put him on a course if trt and the old him with a sex drive will return

Oh you poor thing. I'd be making a swift exit. Life is too short.

Coercive control.
Dismissing and shut you down.

No life at all.
Get your ducks in a row quietly.
You are wasting your life.

I love this! Perfect response.

These aren't quite the same. Imagine if the tables were turned and a man was trying to get a woman to have more sex? There would be an absolute outcry. Him having wine and cigs doesn't involve you having to do anything. Sex is hugely personal and physical, and if he doesn't want to (or can't) do it, it's very different.

Perhaps he's feeling self conscious about it. A trip to the GP could help, to check hormone levels etc. Viagra is also a wonderful thing when used properly.

All of the other stuff, however, would be a dealbreaker to me regardless of the sex stuff. Honestly. He treats you like shit!