My DH doesn't allow me to have any emotions

[IamnotaRobotic]

I feel like my DH wants me to be a robot or shop dummy. If I show any emotion to anything he gets angry, or tells me to "chill". I am not highly strung, quite the opposite. Can't remember the last time I cried, for example.

I do everything in the house, whilst he relaxes. I do this because I WFH and he has a stressful job. But then if I'm knackered from that I get told to chill out.

He never wants sex, which admittedly does make me a bit snappy because I have a healthy sex drive. I'm menopausal but have not had any mood swings from it, I've been very lucky, but I feel like he's playing on that and making out that I am different, when I'm definitely not. If anything, I am sailing through it.

I'm not allowed to be nervous about anything without being shouted at to "chill". For example, yesterday I saw that a train we are meant to get tomorrow was showing as cancelled due to a storm. It's a 300 mile journey to connect us to a long haul flight. My reaction was to say "Oh no!"......he clicked into the tab and actually it wasn't cancelled, just part of the journey was changed to a bus, so all good, but then I got a lecture on how everything was fine and I shouldn't have over reacted by saying "Oh no".

He talks over me ALL the time. I can never finish a sentence. I feel like he doesn't listen to me. Often evidenced by him asking me something that I just told him a few hours ago. I feel totally stifled. I have tried telling him what I need this morning, and he just busied himself around the kitchen, only half listening. I can't get him to just stand still, look at me and listen. He always has one eye on a phone/laptop/TV/other random task.

He constantly makes jokes at my expense. Can't think of an example, but they make me feel like he's having banter with a bloke, rather than treating me like his wife.

The glimmer of hope is that when we go out together, I seem to get the old him and "us" back. But we don't do that often because of work.

The sex thing is just dire. We'be had sex 6 times this year. Once was good, the other 5 times were 10 minute fumbles where he loses his erection and it fizzles out. He hasn't ejaculated in about 2 years. If I try to talk about this, it's never a "good time". Not now, because you'll spoil the night. Not now, we are going away, you'll spoil it.

Not sure what I am asking for here!

I agree with this. Spending your life with a man like your husband is stifling. I was married to a man with similar behaviour. Divorced him 12 years ago and life has been peaceful and lovely ever since.

@IamnotaRobotic

It sounds to me as if you're rapidly approaching a 'crossroads', a point at which you'll have to make a decision for your own sanity and wellbeing to divorce or put up with it for the next, what, 30 years maybe more. Because he is not going to change. You're going to have to 'forge your own path' one way or the other.

Oh, and as far as sex, do NOT cheat. If it gets so bad that you find your eyes truly 'wandering', leave. Cheating is always wrong. And if you get caught, well, you think he's a shit now how ugly and vindictive will he be then?

So my oft posted advice is this: you need to see a solicitor. Not to 'do anything' but to find out what your position is if you should decide to divorce. Much of our fear/hesitance in making that decision is because we simply don't know what our future would hold. You say you own the house, but do you in reality? Would it be considered marital property or not? How about your own finances? What might you expect to lose (or gain) if you split. Again, this is not to say you're going to 'do anything', but just to get educated so when the time comes (and it will) that things get 'that bad' you'll have a vital piece of information that might make the decision to start your own life, as different as it may be, or to stay and put up with worsening unhappiness easier to make.

Good luck.

What about the rest of him - the part that treats his wife like an appliance that’s beeping at him? Or should she continue living with a man with the emotional range and acceptance of a virus?

Agreed, plus he would be very unlikely to get such a supportive response from a UK GP. Frankly he doesn't care about the absence of sex or about the impact that has on the OP. He may be getting it somewhere else. He may prefer the solitude of pornography or he may just have withdrawn physically and emotionally and be happy without any connection.

Why do we see so many times men saying to not get emotional and getting angry about it. Why have we been conditioned into thinking anger is not an emotion?! It fucks me off so much that they think it’s acceptable to be angry (an emotion) yet continue the hypocrisy of denying others their emotions. It’s not about ‘being emotional’ it’s ‘do things my way’. Fuck that

Oh @IamnotaRobotic
I’m sorry but life is far too short to live like this.
he should be ashamed of his behaviour- you deserve so much more .

This is such good advice!

Would you not be happier divorcing him? Your 55 do you fancy having another 30 years with him?

Thank you! It’s a very complicated situation which I know isn’t easy for people to understand. I don’t love him I know that much, I dream of him making a mistake and feeling so guilty that he offers to leave.

Check out covert narcissim

It sounds low level abusive actually as his behaviour is really very controlling. Extremely similar to my husband. He only dialled down this behaviour when it became clear to him that I was practically done with it. He needed that shock to wake him up and stop him being such an arrogant knob. If you can leave, leave. If you can't or don't want to yet, just live your own life, maybe take a lover if you can get away with it and live with it, but just spend time with your friends and stop worrying about him because it doesn't sound like he's worrying about you.

But then the men are getting angry at us getting angry, lol the hypocrisy!

OP - one thing I do think you need to use to focus you - you said he’s planning on early retirement, in which case if you are considering divorce- do it before not after he takes early retirement!

if he’s retired and doesn’t have an income that will be taken into consideration for settlement. It doesn’t matter if he plans to retire early, if you divorce while he’s still working and officially has a decade left of working life, he’ll be treated in a divorce as though he is still working /earning at that level.

I do think going to see a solicitor with the numbers, making sure you know where you stand, is a good move. You don’t have to divorce, but at least you’ll know what you’re looking at financially.

Get him out of your house before he retires, and this is the rest of your life. Sounds soul-destroying.

God, just get rid of him. Not only is he bringing nothing to the table he's actually depleting you.

Unless your assets are well protected though im guessing you'll need to give him something?

This is good advice, don't delay!

Could he have met someone else?

Honestly OP. You need to make an appointment and quietly go to see a solicitor. Take info on assets / pensions etc and get some information on what a divorce would look like..this man is not someone you want to grow old with....he is emotionally and financially abusing you. Hes a nasty bully.

are these enough to make up for his very long list of negatives?

He won’t have sex with you
you do all the cooking and chores.
he’s a nasty bully
he doesn’t listen to you
he puts you down
he belittles you
he doesn’t respect you
he won’t communicate with you

he doesn’t give a shit about you, basically

what kind of relationship is that?
You’re surviving on crumbs.

you’re in a good position. You own the house. I’d see a solicitor and find out where you stand financially, and I’d leave him.

life with him retired would be a nightmare

life. Is. Too. Short.

So When he retires are you retiring too or is he expecting you to continue to work to fund his early retirement?

@BellissimoGecko

life with him retired would be a nightmare

This can't be stressed enough. Three months after 'announcing' his retirement to his long suffering wife, an old friend came home one day to find her and half their 'stuff' gone and half their bank balances gone. She never really explained why to him (nor would he have understood if he had). He assumed she was cheating because why would anyone leave a 'gem' like him.

He was insufferable. Every conversation had to be about him, his interests, his politics, etc. If someone tried to change the convo, he'd roll his eyes as if to say 'how boring' and bring it back to him. We tolerated him because we love her. He was the same way at home. He never asked her how her day was, what she was up to, her opinion on topics of the day, it was all about his day and his goings on. And he believed it was fine for him to spend their money as he chose, but she should account for every penny.

She tolerated it 'for the kids' and then just stayed because his work meant he was gone long hours, she hardly saw him except a couple of hours in the evening and doing his hobbies or working overtime at the weekends. But when she realized that his retirement would mean him being around 24/7 during the week and more hours during the weekend she knew she simply couldn't tolerate it.

He still doesn't get it.