My DH doesn't allow me to have any emotions

[IamnotaRobotic]

I feel like my DH wants me to be a robot or shop dummy. If I show any emotion to anything he gets angry, or tells me to "chill". I am not highly strung, quite the opposite. Can't remember the last time I cried, for example.

I do everything in the house, whilst he relaxes. I do this because I WFH and he has a stressful job. But then if I'm knackered from that I get told to chill out.

He never wants sex, which admittedly does make me a bit snappy because I have a healthy sex drive. I'm menopausal but have not had any mood swings from it, I've been very lucky, but I feel like he's playing on that and making out that I am different, when I'm definitely not. If anything, I am sailing through it.

I'm not allowed to be nervous about anything without being shouted at to "chill". For example, yesterday I saw that a train we are meant to get tomorrow was showing as cancelled due to a storm. It's a 300 mile journey to connect us to a long haul flight. My reaction was to say "Oh no!"......he clicked into the tab and actually it wasn't cancelled, just part of the journey was changed to a bus, so all good, but then I got a lecture on how everything was fine and I shouldn't have over reacted by saying "Oh no".

He talks over me ALL the time. I can never finish a sentence. I feel like he doesn't listen to me. Often evidenced by him asking me something that I just told him a few hours ago. I feel totally stifled. I have tried telling him what I need this morning, and he just busied himself around the kitchen, only half listening. I can't get him to just stand still, look at me and listen. He always has one eye on a phone/laptop/TV/other random task.

He constantly makes jokes at my expense. Can't think of an example, but they make me feel like he's having banter with a bloke, rather than treating me like his wife.

The glimmer of hope is that when we go out together, I seem to get the old him and "us" back. But we don't do that often because of work.

The sex thing is just dire. We'be had sex 6 times this year. Once was good, the other 5 times were 10 minute fumbles where he loses his erection and it fizzles out. He hasn't ejaculated in about 2 years. If I try to talk about this, it's never a "good time". Not now, because you'll spoil the night. Not now, we are going away, you'll spoil it.

Not sure what I am asking for here!

Why women put up with this shit I have no idea.

This is horrible. It’s a really manipulative thing to say to you to control you.

we all know that wasn’t going to happen.

I think this is particularly difficult because on the face of it telling someone to chill doesn’t sound marriage ending. But if you can’t express yourself- your marriage is dead. He needs to know this.

i suspect all this leads back to the ED. He is suppressing his emotions about it and pretending it’s not a big deal. And Everyone else has to suppress their own emotions to make his reality make sense.

Do you want to have sex with someone who shuts you down, minimises your emotions and generally seems to treat you as an inconvenience? Great turn on.

Behaviour is a language and He's telling you sex (and your feelings) isn't important enough to him to make changes. You need to accept that reality and make decisions - 55 is young enough to start again if you want to.

You do sound very passive in this relationship. You should be an equal. Not, as a pp has said, an employee.

Why haven't you asked him, how will you pay the bills if youre retiring at 55?

If he's retiring in the near future can you stand having more of this treatment? It will probably bring things to a head if you're together more. I don't think I could stand it. If I were you I'd have a serious think about whether you want to stay with him. What are the benefits of staying, when you could be much happier without him! Don't waste the rest of your life with this man.

I don’t understand why on earth you’d WANT to have sex with someone who treats you like this?!! My vagina would have welded shut a long time ago. He sounds horrible.

so what actual benefit does he bring to your life, because at the moment it just seems like he only makes your life worse?

Not so much to get him to change but I think it is helpful as part of the process of leaving - You make clear what you need, he ignores it. Which shows you he doesn't care and is never going to change and then you decide if you want to waste the rest of your life with him.

He sounds horrid. LTB sorry that’s all I think I can to advise here. Sounds like you have tried talking till your blue in the face and he just doesn’t give a shit

We are the reverse, I’m quite a calm person, H is a total drama llama -! For quite a few years I actually liked it as my 1st H was so laid back he was horizontal, but I must admit for me it does get wearing after 30 years of it -

Hey OP 👋..
Sex between husband & wife isn’t just about satisfying a need , it’s how we show one another love , it’s the touching , embracing, connecting intimately..
This man is not showing you love ..
He’s mean to you so therefore he isn’t much of a friend either is he ? ..
We need to surround ourselves with people who make us happy..
You’ve said you have spoken to him many times yet nothing changes..
Don’t live your life feeling unhappy x

Walk away.

Not much for you there.
Not taking sides, but Asperger's comes to mind (apparently, I have been "diagnosed" at 40).

I feel creeped out that he was going to seduce you. How? Ewww. He thinks hes all that as you still have a sex drive. Hes weapons weaponsing that.

Do you want to stay with him? I can’t see anything positive that he brings to your life. He’s unkind and disrespectful towards you.

For balance, here’s my (male) perspective on the situation:

OP, you’re living - in your own house - with a fat piss-head who spends half his life sucking on stinking cancer-sticks, does no chores, and who isn’t interested in you at all, including sexually.

You write well, are clearly intelligent, want sex, are emotionally stable, and I suspect are not entirely unattractive.

i have only question: Why?

If I show any emotion to anything he gets angry, or tells me to "chill".

Anger is an emotion. Perhaps he’s the one who needs to chill?

You’re the one who needs to leave though. He’s got a convenient housekeeper robot.

Ask yourself just what exactly do you get from this ' relationship ' ? Life is far too short to spend with him and his nonsense. Move on.

Quite.

There were a lot of things in my marriage I was deeply unhappy about but I did nothing about leaving. I wasn't confident I could financially survive on my own and the house equity wouldn't have allowed me to buy another property so I stayed through lack of self belief. Fifteen years on nothing has changed and I've had to become carer to someone I pretty much hate at times and his verbal and emotional abuse is even worse now. Don't be me OP get out of the relationship while you still can. It's not too late for you.

You can still leave even now. 💐

I have to say OP, you sound as horrible as him here. If a man said he hid her stuff and taunted her that she could only have it back’ when he said so…. because she was withholding sex….

sorry but he has every right not to have sex with you if he doesn’t want to. You are not entitled to sex with another person- even your spouse. It is not the same as someone having snacks/fags. You have every right to leave a sexless marriage, but not to demand sex.

your relationship sounds awful, with virtually no redeeming features. And you are at the point of being low level abusive to each other. Just leave, for goodness sake. It will be better for you, him and the kids.

I think you’d be considerably happier without him. I mean, it’s pretty blindingly obvious really.

No interest in you as a person
No sex/physical affection
Makes you a skivvy around the house
Doesn't listen to you
Doesn't want you to express any emotion
Mocks you

and on the plus side
Occasionally nice to you in public

If you need someone's permission to leave this relationship, you can have mine!

Even your post sounds likecyou are playing the victim. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Its exhausting.
Sort out the chores and who does what. Speak to him about sex and see if you can come to an arrangement.

Quite. In fact the men that find women’s (human) emotions abhorrent are very often the ones that show anger regularly but that obviously doesn’t count as an emotion in their tiny brains. Neanderthals.