My DH doesn't allow me to have any emotions

[IamnotaRobotic]

I feel like my DH wants me to be a robot or shop dummy. If I show any emotion to anything he gets angry, or tells me to "chill". I am not highly strung, quite the opposite. Can't remember the last time I cried, for example.

I do everything in the house, whilst he relaxes. I do this because I WFH and he has a stressful job. But then if I'm knackered from that I get told to chill out.

He never wants sex, which admittedly does make me a bit snappy because I have a healthy sex drive. I'm menopausal but have not had any mood swings from it, I've been very lucky, but I feel like he's playing on that and making out that I am different, when I'm definitely not. If anything, I am sailing through it.

I'm not allowed to be nervous about anything without being shouted at to "chill". For example, yesterday I saw that a train we are meant to get tomorrow was showing as cancelled due to a storm. It's a 300 mile journey to connect us to a long haul flight. My reaction was to say "Oh no!"......he clicked into the tab and actually it wasn't cancelled, just part of the journey was changed to a bus, so all good, but then I got a lecture on how everything was fine and I shouldn't have over reacted by saying "Oh no".

He talks over me ALL the time. I can never finish a sentence. I feel like he doesn't listen to me. Often evidenced by him asking me something that I just told him a few hours ago. I feel totally stifled. I have tried telling him what I need this morning, and he just busied himself around the kitchen, only half listening. I can't get him to just stand still, look at me and listen. He always has one eye on a phone/laptop/TV/other random task.

He constantly makes jokes at my expense. Can't think of an example, but they make me feel like he's having banter with a bloke, rather than treating me like his wife.

The glimmer of hope is that when we go out together, I seem to get the old him and "us" back. But we don't do that often because of work.

The sex thing is just dire. We'be had sex 6 times this year. Once was good, the other 5 times were 10 minute fumbles where he loses his erection and it fizzles out. He hasn't ejaculated in about 2 years. If I try to talk about this, it's never a "good time". Not now, because you'll spoil the night. Not now, we are going away, you'll spoil it.

Not sure what I am asking for here!

I would hazard a guess that he has a dismissive avoidant attachment style and has detached from all intimacy in the relationship, including emotional intimacy. Does he seek solitude? The 'I was going to seduce you this afternoon but you ruined it' move is highly manipulative and quite chilling.

Didn't read all posts so may have missed the bit where she said she owns 100% of the house, if that's the case.

Cos leaving it's way easier. Legally she still owns the house. It's basically like going on an extended break/long holiday/trial separation.

Do you know how much stress asking and getting the other person to leave is, especially if they have expressed no interest in it? My peace of mind is way more important to me.

Appreciate that if the OP is married and there's some kind of complex property ownership situation, taking legal advice is the way forward.

I have 2 rules in my personal life:

• no marriage
• no joint accounts/joint property ownership/joint anything with anyone, unless it's through a limited company

Appreciate it's not for everyone but this ensures that me and the other person stay together through choice and I am not risking losing everything I have if the person I chose ends up letting me down bigtime at some point. And same applies to them

Is he rich? Why are you even with him??

This is no way to live, for either of you. Put the relationship out of its misery and enjoy the remaining decades of your lives without being to a loveless, and likeless, marriage.

He's quite clever, isn't he? And you're buying into it.
He has everything to lose if you see the light. You, on the otherhand, have everything to gain by getting out. He won't change but you can change and stop putting up with this shit.

He won't be dark and handsome when he ages, goes bald or grey and gets fatter. Besides what is the point of you finding him attractive if you have no sex life? He won't be generous if he retires and has no "good job" or money. You won't be able to afford to go out. He's protective when you're out because he sees you as a possession. You won't find him funny when he's retired and gets even worse. He may not get his inheritance (presumably you're waiting for someone to die) if he has a heart attack from the unhealthy lifestyle and dies first. I literally don't understand why people put up with relationships like this. I have been single for seventeen very happy years.

Leave him. Some of this is abuse.

Honestly this sounds dismal, it’s no way to live. I would divorce.

It’s okay, I know it’s not normal but actually my life is very easy. I am impossible to upset or offend and when my loved ones feel hurt I used to be full of empathy and anxiety and feel the pain so deeply, I don’t anymore. It’s actually quite liberating but of course I’m intelligent enough to know it may not end well.

Back to normal? But normal is AWFUL. Why are you selling yourself so short?

So he’s got his housekeeper back onside.

By the sounds of it he’s actually tall, dark, fat and reeking of fags. I’ve no idea why you want to have sex with someone who stifles, talks over and laughs at you. But you do you.

Lots of sympathy to you for the situation you find yourself in. It maybe worth you getting some therapy of some sort to help you work through your situation and for you to make a decision as to what you want the future to be.
Might be worth looking up definition of a control freak. I'm married to one and it is incredibly hard work. (Other issues too.....)
I've been going through a variety of therapies and it's given me the strength to challenge my DH and insist he gets help and treatment. We've been through cycles where an issue blows up, I think things will change and they don't. I'm not prepared to do it anymore. I'm also prepared to walk away, not an easy choice with young children and a chronic illness but the life we live is not sustainable.
Good luck

Divorce him.

You have listed so many negative aspects of your marriage that it just looks like it is beyond saving and this man is just sucking the life out of you.

Hmme, would he come with you to see a couples therapist? The communication and lack of respect/cherishing sounds dire (before you even get to the intimacy issues). Does being with him make your life better? If not what's stopping you moving on?

I completely agree with hettie

couples therapist?

"The communication and lack of respect/cherishing sounds dire (before you even get to the intimacy issues). Does being with him make your life better? If not what's stopping you moving on?"

If you want to keep the relationship going, get some couples therapy.

That’s a bit like my friend’s tactic with her children. “I was going to buy you ice cream but you were so naughty with your lunch, now I am not going to.”
I don’t often say LTB but honestly, don’t waste your life being put down by this man. If it was just the sex it would be different. Has he been to the doctor?

Yes!

Nothing you've said here OP gives any reason at all why you shouldn't divorce this man. He seems to bring nothing positive to your life at all.

LTB!

You dislike each other. He doesn’t want to have sex with you. Why are not divorcing? Life’s too short for this bullshit with an impotent, mean man.

Your marriage sounds miserable. I could never put up with what you have described. You deserve so much more than this. Please look after yourself.

Bloody hell, yet another thread from an intelligent woman putting up with shit from a man. Why are you living like this? Throw him out. He’s hugely disrespecting you and showing you he does not give a shit about you. He’s treating you like a housekeeper not a partner.

I’m responding to this post and your one immediately prior.

You own the house.

He plans to retire.

BOTH ON YOUR DIME?!

Nope. As I read all your posts it become more clear that there isn’t anything to save in this ‘relationship’.

How long have you been together? Was the house clearly (legally) noted as yours before you married? I’m asking can you divorce him and be ‘reset’ to as you both were when you entered the marriage?

divorce is hard, but not as hard as what you’re doing. He won’t change.

Oh god you need to leave this man. It’ll leave you as a shell of a person if not.

It’s not good for your children to see this either.

Oh god you need to leave this man. It’ll leave you as a shell of a person if not.

It’s not good for your children to see this either.

It’s one of those situations where if you won’t divorce for your own sake, you should divorce for the sake of the children.

Staying together when you’re this unhappy will not benefit them. People say “staying together for the children” to excuse laziness and inertia.