My DH doesn't allow me to have any emotions

[IamnotaRobotic]

I feel like my DH wants me to be a robot or shop dummy. If I show any emotion to anything he gets angry, or tells me to "chill". I am not highly strung, quite the opposite. Can't remember the last time I cried, for example.

I do everything in the house, whilst he relaxes. I do this because I WFH and he has a stressful job. But then if I'm knackered from that I get told to chill out.

He never wants sex, which admittedly does make me a bit snappy because I have a healthy sex drive. I'm menopausal but have not had any mood swings from it, I've been very lucky, but I feel like he's playing on that and making out that I am different, when I'm definitely not. If anything, I am sailing through it.

I'm not allowed to be nervous about anything without being shouted at to "chill". For example, yesterday I saw that a train we are meant to get tomorrow was showing as cancelled due to a storm. It's a 300 mile journey to connect us to a long haul flight. My reaction was to say "Oh no!"......he clicked into the tab and actually it wasn't cancelled, just part of the journey was changed to a bus, so all good, but then I got a lecture on how everything was fine and I shouldn't have over reacted by saying "Oh no".

He talks over me ALL the time. I can never finish a sentence. I feel like he doesn't listen to me. Often evidenced by him asking me something that I just told him a few hours ago. I feel totally stifled. I have tried telling him what I need this morning, and he just busied himself around the kitchen, only half listening. I can't get him to just stand still, look at me and listen. He always has one eye on a phone/laptop/TV/other random task.

He constantly makes jokes at my expense. Can't think of an example, but they make me feel like he's having banter with a bloke, rather than treating me like his wife.

The glimmer of hope is that when we go out together, I seem to get the old him and "us" back. But we don't do that often because of work.

The sex thing is just dire. We'be had sex 6 times this year. Once was good, the other 5 times were 10 minute fumbles where he loses his erection and it fizzles out. He hasn't ejaculated in about 2 years. If I try to talk about this, it's never a "good time". Not now, because you'll spoil the night. Not now, we are going away, you'll spoil it.

Not sure what I am asking for here!

I think you've got the unpleasant truth here and above. He doesn't seem to love you. He's not interested in what you have to say, he doesn't care about your emotions, and he's not interested in sex with you. Its an awful thing to have to face.
I think a trial separation might remind him how fabulous you are. Otherwise I dont think you should live like this. Its a half life.

I've asked him to see a GP. He won't. And why would he, as he's quite happy with the way things are! He had bloods done recently and says all the results were good. I find this hard to believe as he's overweight, smokes and drinks.

I did a pre-holiday diet and tried to get him on board. He has done precisely nothing in that regard. Still just eats whatever he wants.

Stop cooking for him and stop doing things for him. Make up a housework chore list and show him his half that he needs to start doing.

Does he have a financial plan of how he’ll be contributing to expenses and spending money when he retires? Has he seen a financial planner?

Do you want to spend another 25+ years with this disrespectful man?

So he's intending to become a cocklodger without the cock. I would start plans to make sure that won't happen.

I don't mind so much about the housework, as he does work much longer hours than me.

No financial plan - I have a feeling that he thinks he will just stop paying his half of the bills! The only silver lining here is that he is due to inherit a huge amount of money, but who knows when that will be!

Testosterone isn’t included in standard blood tests. A low level could explain a lot. The consumption of wine and cigarettes could too, and being overweight.

See a counsellor. Start planning how you want your life to look. It might not include him. You can make that choice.

This is your life & it will only get worse. He will very likely have increasingly poor health and become more dependent on you - taking more of your time, effort and spirit. Let alone potential equity from your house and pension?? 😱 Have you protected yourself in any way financially?

Rip off the plaster and start to make plans 😊

The sex is the least of your problems here. To be honest I couldn’t get turned on by someone like that. I’d go online shopping to Love Honey and enjoy yourself.
your biggest issue is that he isn’t a partner in your relationship. You are his employee that does everything and lets him do what he wants. What will happen if you become seriously ill , become disabled etc. Will he be there to support you? Doubt it.
a relationship is about doing life together.
you are so used to a bullyish relationship it’s normal and something to niggle about. It’s worse than that , you are in a toxic relationship and you need to think about getting some therapy to think / talk through what is happening.

Tbh, I would be divorcing him end of. Life is too short, I know it's difficult to up sticks and change your way of life, been there twith young kids, but sometimes, you need to look at it the house is only bricks and mortar. It's only a house if you aren't happy, you need a home where you can be yourself and happy with a new start, it's hard but we can help walk you through it on MN.

I have the same.

I know exactly how this feels OP.

I often used to say what is the point of asking me anything, as if I ever replied something in the negative, I would get the same reaction.

All I would hear was:
why are you so negative
I don't even know why I bother talking to you as you take everything so personally
Lighten up
Etc etc

And this after after he had lied, cheated and worse

I think it's to shift guilty over to someone else and by doing that they can never be at fault.

He is my ex now, but I do know this treatment from someone is draining, exhausting and strips you of any self worth.

Something has to change OP. What this entails is up to you, but you cannot carry on with things this way.

You leave him. That's what you do. Nothing will change so you will be better off away from him

Sounds so hard for you. Could you suggest joint counselling? Sounds like a lonely existence for you.

My God. So glad I'm single and can cry or laugh or just be myself, every single day!

You deserve better op.

You don't like him. He doesn't like you. What is the point of this relationship? Society has moved on and you are no longer required to remain in a marriage that has died. You both only have one life for goodness sake separate

He’s bringing nothing to your table @IamnotaRoboticand he’s planning to retire in a couple of years? He really will be laughing that he’s got it all!
It’s your house, so personally I’d kick him out. You’d be so much happier and you’d be free to find someone who loves you and wants to have sex with you and share the best parts of life with you.

If you're married, he's going to get half of the house isn't he? And half of everything else that you've built up? And he's going to be sitting pretty with his inheritance while you have to start again...

Get him dumped. But get a REALLY good solicitor.

Have you given him an ultimatum?

Do you still want to be married if he sorted himself out? If so, the fact that you occasionally see "old him" would make me want to give him a last chance.

Assuming you want to split up if he doesn't change, and you will actually follow through? Tell him this. Decide what you want and tell him it's non negotiable if you are to stay together. Be very clear, with a timeline.

Eg. Go to doctor and sort ED. Also, every Tuesday evening we are going to have date night. First we'll discuss our relationship and decide on one problem each of us will work on the following week. Then we'll have the date/movie/board game/restaurant. I want to see big changes by the end of January. If you aren't prepared to step up and start treating me with basic human respect, I will leave you.

Or, if you don't want to be with him even if he changes, then just split up now. You've given him plenty of chances.

Why do so many people suggest counselling? He doesn't want to talk to OP, he'll either, refuse to go, won't talk to the counseller when he's there, or give them the chat then give you 'that talking shit can fuck off' when you get home.
Not everyone is a talker with strangers, my psych team wanted me to talk to various people and help groups, never been my thing, I'm not driven by my emotionals and have little to no conscience. Talking isn't going to change my strong pyschopathic tendancies diagnosis. Talking doesn't work for eveyone.
You need to leave him OP, there is no other way.

Bloody hell OP, you’ve described a relationship I had in my twenties - awful memories.

And then you mentioned the ‘retiring at 55 & stopping financially contributing’ thing. I would be gone. Out. Divorced. He would not be taking the piss out of me any longer.

He gives you nothing emotionally, physically and soon, financially. What would you advise a daughter, sister or friend?

ETA: although I would second getting a VERY good lawyer on account of him getting half of the assets and also a large inheritance. Could you bear to wait till that came through? I’d be tempted …

I think you are already aware of the problem from your replies op. He has fallen out of love with you. He doesn’t like you that much but he has everything he needs provided for him with an easy retirement planned ahead for him also. I think any change in your situation will have to come from you. He isn’t going to initiate anything as he seems happy with a mediocre sexless marriage.

This rarely works in my experience.

Just get rid of him for God's sake. You only have one life. Is this going to be it from now on.
I had a limp dick husband. It was porn addiction. He refused to address it. So that was the end of that.

The obvious question is why don't you leave him?