Ashamed of the way DS is behaving

[Jensay]

Recently my youngest DD who is 20 convinced me to make an instagram account, I said yes and I’ve had it a couple of weeks. All of my children then voluntarily requested to follow me and accepted my request back, I haven’t forced myself on them. I’ve noticed with my eldest DS who is 29, incredibly intelligent, a solicitor and generally a lovely guy that the posts he makes on instagram make me feel ashamed. It’s mainly the stories feature I have an issue with but for example in the last day he’s posted several from a night out and I’d say his behaviour is unacceptable.
There was one of him and all his friends clearly a bit drunk just being loud and noisy on a train platform, then a clip of his girlfriend doing a cartwheel on the platform, generally the type of behaviour that would make me feel a bit intimidated if I were waiting for a train.
Then on the train, them all being really loud, popping a bottle of champagne, listening to music out loud etc. just no respect for the people around them at all.
Then similar just what I’d call antisocial and disorderly behaviour while they were on their night out.
I am aware he’s an adult and I have no control over his behaviour but I’m quite ashamed to have raised someone behaving like this at 29.
AIBU to feel this way?

Remember, this is MN where people are too scared to answer their doors or their phones, lol.

Of course we all do it, but there's a difference between feeling a certain way and just getting on with your life, and sneering and tutting over someone who is simply minding their own business.

I'm not a big fan of answering my door or phone 😂 but like, that's someone in my personal space, I'm allowed to screen that out of I want. People have a right to exist in public who have different priorities etc to me without me feeling intimidated if they're not actively directing anything at me or others out with their group. It's such a weird overreaction. I can't imagine anything making me feel ashamed of my kids other than violence or illegal activity or as I said before racist, sexist or bigoted views

They’re not minding their own business if they (anyone, not necessarily just OP’s son) is foistering their loudness on other people.

Bravo! Spot on! People should not check out of being a parent (read moral guide) just because their children reached a certain age.

You can’t really do anything more than this - he’s 29, a bright lad. If what he posts on SM ever comes back to bite him on the bum, he was warned. I’d probably let it go now, and not bring it up again re future posts, so that he doesn’t unfriend you. That said, it may be that you’d rather not know and prefer to duck out of insta and just rely on a family WhatsApp that only has suitably curated images and vids (that’s what we do!).

Of course they are. They're just having fun and not even thinking about other people's sneering and judgement.

If that's really all it was then it's an overreaction. But the way she described it was that she would be intimidated by strangers acting that way in front of her.

If you want to live in silence you need to either purchase very good noise cancelling headphones or live rurally.

People are noisy, social creatures. They have a right to exist and have fun rather than sitting in silence.

I’d have no problem telling my two adult sons if I thought their behaviour was dickish or anti social. I have brought them up in such a way that we can talk openly and honestly to each other so if I actually felt upset or disappointed with something we can have a conversation about it. Luckily so far nothing to do with behaviour (just about me wishing he wouldn’t smoke/vape 🤨).

Op would have to elaborate but she hasn't mentioned shouting, swearing. Negatively approaching others etc

I go in the quiet carriage. I have an aversion to people noise, probably more than average (not ND though).

I think the majority of people wouldn't be too upset about young people (it wasn't just men) having fun, it's not like they were threatening people, or smashing the place up, just a bit merry, loud and over the top. If I saw it I would have a quiet smile, there were times like that even in the olden days.

So you take measures to avoid them. You can’t expect everyone to live in silence.

If they were doing it in the quiet carriage that's cause to complain for sure. Doesn't sound like it though

Yeah the behavior is not great, but the need to post it online is almost worse! It's showing he can't actually see what he is doing is wrong. Perhaps we have all had moments acting up with friends, getting a bit more drunk than we should but to then think it's so funny to then post it shows a different level of immaturity. At his age, I would have thought he would have grown out of that by now.

Actually I love this. I hope that if I'd been there I would have seen a bunch of young people enjoying life, rather than anything even faintly intimidating. And not only enjoying life, but sharing their joy with a random granny. I take your point about work people seeing the posts, but apart from that, I think you have a son to be proud of.

(70 year old woman here)

If my mum phoned me up to tell me off for being noisy on a night out I’d laugh at her

To be honest I’m not sure that any action is required. Is this behaviour that outside of societal norms that it needs to be policed?

Most people in their 20s have done something their parents probably don’t wholly approve of on a night out. Whilst I (as a woman) haven’t done cartwheels on train platforms, it wouldn’t occur to me that lone women in particular would find that intimidating. If anything, the biggest risk is to myself ie if I slipped and ended up on the train tracks. Not that I’m specifically causing gender-based harm.

Maybe it comes down to me having been married and already a mum by 29, so the behaviour reads as very juvenile to me. DS doesn’t seem concerned or offended by my reaction and I’ll admit I clearly don’t have a good grasp on drinking culture as I had to google what pub golf was and upon finding out thought it sounded quite miserable!

I don’t but I have really low tolerance of people fucking around on train platforms, that was my main gripe rather than them being on the train.

Again though that’s your problem not theirs.

But that's a "you" problem. You can't expect the rest of the world to change your behaviour to accommodate your low tolerance levels.

I’m pretty sure there’s an expectation, and at some stations even signs, that behaviour on a train platform be respectful and safe.