Ashamed of the way DS is behaving

[Jensay]

Recently my youngest DD who is 20 convinced me to make an instagram account, I said yes and I’ve had it a couple of weeks. All of my children then voluntarily requested to follow me and accepted my request back, I haven’t forced myself on them. I’ve noticed with my eldest DS who is 29, incredibly intelligent, a solicitor and generally a lovely guy that the posts he makes on instagram make me feel ashamed. It’s mainly the stories feature I have an issue with but for example in the last day he’s posted several from a night out and I’d say his behaviour is unacceptable.
There was one of him and all his friends clearly a bit drunk just being loud and noisy on a train platform, then a clip of his girlfriend doing a cartwheel on the platform, generally the type of behaviour that would make me feel a bit intimidated if I were waiting for a train.
Then on the train, them all being really loud, popping a bottle of champagne, listening to music out loud etc. just no respect for the people around them at all.
Then similar just what I’d call antisocial and disorderly behaviour while they were on their night out.
I am aware he’s an adult and I have no control over his behaviour but I’m quite ashamed to have raised someone behaving like this at 29.
AIBU to feel this way?

Okay?

I just think MN has a tendency to hugely overreact to totally normal behaviour. People have been loud and daft in public since the dawn of time - it's not new and it's certainly nothing that needs to be judged and sneered at.

I thought you were going to say he was being racist or sexist or something, messing around on a night out with friends? Turning a cartwheel? Bit of music? Just sounds like they were having a laugh and not hurting anyone. I'd smile at the childish antics of people in their 20s enjoying themselves, sure haven't we all been young? I'd maybe, MAYBE roll my eyes at the loud music but shame?

What is it then? I have no doubt people use the phrase as a derogatory term to describe women (not men) who have high standards of public behaviour and little to zero tolerance of people who foist their loudness on others. Also used to derogatorily describe women who disapprove when it comes to overly sexualised behaviour in public.

He actually sounds really nice to reply to that intrusive nonsense so kindly with only an eye roll of his own. What a nice chap.

On a train platform though? I don’t think that’s the place for high jinks.

Like I said, it's a descriptor. Someone who likes to tut about anyone who behaves remotely out of their "norm".

I was clearly reacting to the poster with sarcasm FFS

I think I’m being tarred and feathered with the middle aged, middle class pearl clutching label - I was at a Lottery Winners gig on Friday (much alcohol consumed) and will be at Twickers on a double date (where we will absolutely be racking up the beers before heading home on the train). Difference is, we will not be swigging from champagne bottles on SWR (where it is not illegal) nor posting it to SM. I’ll be sure to leave the pearls at home too…

The OP was whether she should be ashamed of her DS - well, yes and no. Not the partying, but the possible lack of consideration for others in the carriage, yes. And she’s addressed this with him. The fact that a few of us have suggested OP gently suggests her DS consider the implications of such posts on his future career is not ‘judgey’, but cautionary. And stories on Insta can actually remain on the profile for more than 24 hours - it depends on how they have been saved and, as many of us have pointed out, whether followers have screen shotted or copied vids. Once you post on SM you really do not have control. It only takes one of his 70 followers to leak stuff. Many corporations are very unforgiving - several news articles about posts made by people when they are 14 cited to lose jobs at 19. As a family we have no SM/digital footprint as a result.

You’re loud in rl aren’t you 😁

Hopefully this reassured you. It sounds like they were friendly and inclusive, if loud. Not ideal, but not intimidating.

Nope. I'm actually autistic and find loud noise incredibly stressful.

But I just wear my loops and let other people behave how they like - it's not up to me to judge their behaviour by my own standards.

Ach come on, they weren't fighting, being rude, addressing people negatively, throwing stuff, shouting and swearing or anything by the sounds of it.

I'm a 42 yr old professional and never really been one for that kind of group sillyness, more likely to be found giggling after a few glasses of wine while having a chat on a train but wouldn't be surprised or annoyed by that at all

Yeah what an idiot. Flexing like he's so posh with a bottle of champagne on public transport. If you're that fancy why can't you afford an Uber?

Tell him that you're surprised as his employer or clients would be highly disapproving of him posting this stuff. He could seriously damage his career and professional reputation if he's not careful.

I mean there's no harm in having fun, but filming acting yobbish and publicly sharing it is immature at best.

Not aimed at me but I'm not remotely loud in real life and agree that they were just having a wee laugh and doing nothing overly unpleasant.

You’re quite at liberty to do so though. I judge people by my own standards all the time, it’s how I work out who I like and who I don’t.

Yep - it's very clear you judge people, don't worry 😂

Is that what people hate? The champagne? I actively love a glass of bubbles. I very very rarely drink but I'd definitely have a glass of champagne on a train, I've a sister who works in hospitality and might actually have a bottle of bubbles on her on any given night out like this. I wouldn't even mind someone having a carry on over a few cans either though so maybe I'm just not easily bothered by people living their lives.

No one is obliged to care whether you like them or behave accordingly you realize?

MN just hates people having fun in public - especially if it's not "their" kind of fun.

OP said they were acting like yobs, being intimidating. I was just pointing out the champagne as it sounded like he was trying to show off. Like a bunch of spoilt hooray Henrys. If they were just sitting there quietly drinking whatever and not posting it on SM it wouldn't be disruptive or look as bad.

Regardless of whether his behaviour is or isn’t antisocial/intimidating, I think all parents need to get their heads round the fact that their adult kids are people in their own right and probably behave differently around their friends to the way they behave around you. I can see why you don’t like his Instagram stuff, but he’s a grown man and you can’t expect him to behave in a way you approve of 24/7.

When my mum discovered social media and wanted to follow me, I was in my mid-30s and I told her that she was welcome to follow me but she would definitely see a side of me she didn’t usually see and wouldn’t necessarily approve of, and that I wouldn’t accept her trying to tell me off for (eg) swearing and other things I don’t usually do in front of her.

Of course I do. How else would I know who’s an arsehole and who’s someone I like spending time with? We all do it even if we don’t call it judging (assessing, weighing up), it’s all the same thing. Even on a date people are judging whether that person is worth a second date to them. It would be total anarchy if no one judged (it’s not the dirty word people might think it is).

But what she actually describes doesn't sound yobbish. We're they shouting and swearing and insulting people? No mention of that. A girl turning a cartwheel and them having somewhat inflated egos in public might be annoying, but intimidating? A mixed sex group of 20 somethings chatting and sharing a drink on a train?

OP also says that she messaged her son, who told her that the older lady in the carriage with them joined in and had a glass with them - so she clearly wasn't that intimidated 😉

Seems somewhat beside the point, but I don’t think champagne is exclusively for posh people, I think they were celebrating his friends 30th.
Also I’d imagine most would pick train from Leeds to London over an uber regardless of how much money they have!
He called just 10 minutes ago and I pointed out maybe he should be cautious about what he posts on stories incase it gets shared, he told me I was overthinking and all his followers have better things to be doing than being malicious. Also pointed out I was worried about his girlfriend doing a cartwheel, drunk, on a train platform and his response was “you try and stop her then”.