Page 10 | Step daughters 18th meal

Bitterfromthesweet · 2025-11-15T23:51:04+00:00

My husband spilt from his ex 10 years ago. They have a daughter together. I have been with my husband for 9 years. She is coming up to her 18th birthday and my husband’s ex suggested the two of them take their daughter out for dinner as they have “raised her to 18” I didn’t see a problem with the meal but this comment has annoyed me, as I have also been in her life for 9 years. I took her out when she wanted to go when she was younger, picked her up from school, gave her all her meals, tidied her room, done her washing etc. This has made me feel like a free nanny for 9 years. Maybe I’m over reacting. I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

user1492809438 · 16/11/2025 11:31

Your anger should be directed at your husband for using you as a free nanny and at yourself for allowing it.

outerspacepotato · 16/11/2025 11:36

It's ok to be resentful that his remark made you realize that your husband had you doing his parenting work for the last 9 years. You really were the free nanny.

A lot of guys marry women to have a free bangmaid nanny because they want 50/50 so they don't have to pay child support and they don't want to do their parenting work. So it gets shoved off onto the stepmom and it looks like that's what happened here. Your stepdaughter likely resents that he did that.

And your husband just goes along being all self congratulatory that you've done much of his work but you're missing from the congrats.

He's taking credit for the work you did.

What a prince.

BillieWiper · 16/11/2025 11:39

You don't expect your partner's ex to say 'thank you for helping to raise my daughter'?

Of course she sees it that she and her husband raised their child. Just because you were there doesn't mean the mum did any less parenting.

And she didn't choose for you to be involved at all. Presumably it's partly because your husband palmed off a lot of parenting duties onto you.

Anyway you seem like you don't like her and you don't need to. Just ignore what she says and go for a separate meal with SD with just you and dad, or wider family from both you and him. If that's what she'd like. It is her birthday so she should choose.

Allisnotlost1 · 16/11/2025 11:39

outerspacepotato · 16/11/2025 11:36

It's ok to be resentful that his remark made you realize that your husband had you doing his parenting work for the last 9 years. You really were the free nanny.

A lot of guys marry women to have a free bangmaid nanny because they want 50/50 so they don't have to pay child support and they don't want to do their parenting work. So it gets shoved off onto the stepmom and it looks like that's what happened here. Your stepdaughter likely resents that he did that.

And your husband just goes along being all self congratulatory that you've done much of his work but you're missing from the congrats.

He's taking credit for the work you did.

What a prince.

That’s not obvious to me from her posts at all. By the sounds of it she wanted a relationship with the child and has tried to create that over the years, no-one forced her to do that. Washing, cooking, cleaning and giving lifts is surely something the father also did, both for his wife OP and for his child - if not, why would OP stay with him?

TheignT · 16/11/2025 11:40

Moetandchandelier · 16/11/2025 00:03

That is an annoying comment for him to make. So the two people that have given her a split and dysfunctional family get to take her out and pretend they have been wonderful family! Brilliant!

I can't see he's made a comment. What have I missed?

RedToothBrush · 16/11/2025 11:43

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:05

Yeah it just seems strange to be going out the two of them with my step daughter when they both have partners, why not the four of us go out?

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Who is the birthday centring?

This is about your step daughter's parents putting their differences and the bullshit of the last ten years aside for one night to centre their child.

Its not about you.

Your reaction really highlights some of the bullshit really.

This doesn't stop you having a special relationship with your step daughter. Nor does it stop you doing something with her for her birthday.

Bluddyellfire · 16/11/2025 11:50

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:51

Anything she wanted money, emotion, love I wanted to give her but she wouldn’t accept it. That’s a whole new thread but I feel over looked with the two parents going out for a meal with her

Interesting that you list your various potential gifts to the girl in that specific order but it seems to me that you're actually pissed off with your husband/ partner and the girl's mother? Particularly your husband as I don't know why you'd be running round picking her up from places and cleaning her room on his watch? I guess this is the 'free nanny' bit, but that's on your husband not his daughter. Given that she's performatively rejected every effort on your part I don't know why your nose is out of joint, I probably wouldn't go if it was me, leave em to it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Skyflyinghigh · 16/11/2025 11:50

I don’t understand why you want to go if you don’t have a good relationship with your SD? Let her parents take her out together.

IsItSnowing · 16/11/2025 11:51

Ignored124 · 16/11/2025 10:43

You can be raised by people who are not biologically related to you , you do know that right ?

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Yes you can. But I don't think that negates the fact that this girl has 2 parents who have raised her and want to take her out for a meal to celebrate her birthday.
When the biological mother says 'we raised her' why should that make the stepmother feel bad?
That's seems to be the OP's issue here. She sees it as a slight on her but in actuality it's just the truth.

Namechangerage · 16/11/2025 11:52

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:24

thanks. I know she didn’t have a choice so I’ve never forced a relationship on her, I’ve given her anything she wants but she didn’t want it which is fine.
i just feel like I’ve been a free nanny for 9 years.

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Well that issue was with your DH not her! He is the one that benefited from your free labour to make his life easier and reduce his parenting load. More fool you!

Notsurewhatisnormalanymore · 16/11/2025 11:56

AnotherForumUser · 16/11/2025 10:11

Don't be so deliberately stupid. You know damn well what the OP meant. Just because she's a stepmum doesn't mean she is simply a fucking skivvy who has to take on responsibility for all the domestic shit. The one to blame here is the sperm donor who should have taken responsibility for HIS daughter rather than dumping the child related grunt work on the new woman. Sadly some men do this, cheered on, aided and abetted by the squealing handmaidens of misogyny some of whom have popped up like bindweed on this thread. The OP simply should have been welcoming, kind and courteous to her stepdaughter but left daddy dearest to tidy up after his child, to do the school run etc. Instead the OP does the work while the bearer of the flaccid dick wafts around pretending to be father of the year. No the OP doesn't need to be invited not does she need a medal for not "throwing a mega tantrum" as you spouted in your other hyperbolic post. The OP has misplaced her frustrations in this case. There's nothing wrong with just the two parents and their daughter having celebratory meal. But the OP does have a problem. With her husband who has dismissed her efforts with the DSD. She didn't need to do that stuff. Not her child after all. Daddy dearest should have expressed appreciation either by acknowledging her unseen work instead of ignoring the fact he's been able to slack off. If parents are so keen to tell stepmums how unimportant they are then they should be delighted to do all the work such as clearing up mess made by the child, taking care of their child, ferrying their child. Or pay someone a professional wage to do it. But don't expect someone else to do that work for free for you and your offspring without basic appreciation. They don't have to fucking do it.

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A-fucking-men!

Flpiiant · 16/11/2025 11:56

Ignored124 · 16/11/2025 09:22

Part of the first wives club ?

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Rather that than being part of the second wives who dislike their step children's club?

lookluv · 16/11/2025 12:11

My Ex and I have made a point of taking our DCs out for a couple of meals per year - beginning of new school year, b days etc - just the two of us.

They both knew we were not getting back together but their parents could sit and have a civil meal with them, they could discuss issues with us both once rather than having to do it twice and also get that we were both parenting on the ssme page. They could not play us off agsinst each other.

A sign of mature parenting and now as they prepare to fly the next have both said they appreciated that time. We will alwys be theri parents even if we are not together - we are their direct family

Kizmet1 · 16/11/2025 12:20

Dear OP,
I don't think the comment suggests ex-w sees you as a free nanny, and if you and SD do not get along then that might account for the lack of invitation.
IMO it would have been a nicer and cleaner thought for ex-w and your DH to chip in to get her a thoughtful gift, maybe an item of jewellery, that could be just from her mum and dad, without anyone having to feel left out of an occasion.
Being a step parent can be ever so difficult, and I am sure as SD matures she will be more appreciative of what you contributed to her upbringing ❤️

KaleidoscopeSmile · 16/11/2025 12:26

Icybird56 · 16/11/2025 05:47

When did society change so much ..that people think it is ok for a child to be rude , dismissive,and ungrateful towards an adult...what happened to manners ,do we not teach that any more at home ???

When the "my children are my entire world" parents came along.

19lottie82 · 16/11/2025 12:41

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:05

Yeah it just seems strange to be going out the two of them with my step daughter when they both have partners, why not the four of us go out?

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You said you don’t get on with her mother? I imagine the whole scenario would just stress your SD out (speaking from experience!). With the greatest respect, it’s about your SD, not you. Just take her out with you and her DF, or even just you and make a nice day of it.

Original poster

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 12:47

WhichBigToe · 16/11/2025 09:10

I haven't read the whole thread, OP, just your updates and the first page or two. In your words, I read all the challenge, effort and heartache of blended families. For your DH and DSD you have tried and tried for 9 long years, picking yourself up every time you were rebuffed. You didn't do anything to cause the breakdown of her parents marriage, but you were tacitly blamed time and again, because she was a child and because it's emotionally safer for a child to blame the other woman than her own parents. This isn't about the meal, OP. It's about you wanting your efforts and sacrifices to be seen and appreciated by your DH. Let the meal go ahead. Don't tie these feelings to your DSD's birthday. When the dust has settled, have a conversation with DH. "I don't want an apology, I did this for us, for you and our family. I would do it again [if you would] because it is what was needed for our marriage and family to last. But I need to be sure you understand how hard this was for me."

Thanks that’s so true, it’s about being appreciated. I won’t say anything as it’s not about me, but it’s just highlights how little anyone appreciates in general.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 12:53

GaryLurcher19 · 16/11/2025 09:23

They aren't just choosing to go to dinner together. Their daughter is turning 18 and she's asked them to dinner. That's her choice.

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My step daughter didn’t ask for the meal. Her mum said to my husband let’s go out to celebrate parenting to 18, and he said let me know where you want to go. My step daughter couldn’t be arsed either way.
that’s why it feels like two adults celebrating how great they are but forgetting about the others who brought her up with no thanks.

OP posts:

diddl · 16/11/2025 12:57

it feels like two adults celebrating how great they are but forgetting about the others who brought her up with no thanks.

That's on your husband isn't it?

Pinepeak2434 · 16/11/2025 12:57

I’d be fine with it. They are her parents. You sound slightly jealous.

Original poster

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 12:57

Whatsthatsheila · 16/11/2025 09:56

But she doesn’t like you…. Maybe her mum and dad know this so didn’t invite you in case you said yes which would have ruined her meal??

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I know I said we don’t get along, we don’t have any bond which is understandable she has only been a child who didn’t chose this. But she does not have a bond with anybody. She is very shy and quiet and rarely talks to her dad (I don’t know her relationship with her mum). She treats me the same as every family member; with contempt. So what I’m trying to say is, we have no bond but it’s the same as her dad. So playing happy families the two of them just doesn’t sit right.

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Whatsthatsheila · 16/11/2025 13:01

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 12:57

I know I said we don’t get along, we don’t have any bond which is understandable she has only been a child who didn’t chose this. But she does not have a bond with anybody. She is very shy and quiet and rarely talks to her dad (I don’t know her relationship with her mum). She treats me the same as every family member; with contempt. So what I’m trying to say is, we have no bond but it’s the same as her dad. So playing happy families the two of them just doesn’t sit right.

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oh well in that case… maybe again the mum and dad have just accepted that it will just be plain awkward anyway no matter who is there and have decided to spare the excruciating experience

umm… I suppose do what others suggest - offer a meal just you or just you and dad and see what she says.

perhaps the way to go is what you’ve always done and offer the olive branch permanently extended and maybe one day she’ll accept

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/11/2025 13:01

19lottie82 · 16/11/2025 12:41

You said you don’t get on with her mother? I imagine the whole scenario would just stress your SD out (speaking from experience!). With the greatest respect, it’s about your SD, not you. Just take her out with you and her DF, or even just you and make a nice day of it.

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No, OP gets on well with the mother, not with the stepdaughter.

Bellyblueboy · 16/11/2025 13:05

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 12:57

I know I said we don’t get along, we don’t have any bond which is understandable she has only been a child who didn’t chose this. But she does not have a bond with anybody. She is very shy and quiet and rarely talks to her dad (I don’t know her relationship with her mum). She treats me the same as every family member; with contempt. So what I’m trying to say is, we have no bond but it’s the same as her dad. So playing happy families the two of them just doesn’t sit right.

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So she is a stroppy teen?

what do you mean by playing happy families doesn’t sit right? Do you mean she shouldn’t get to have a birthday meal with her parents because she is moody and distant with her dad?

Do you mean you should be there because she dislikes you as much as she dislikes her dad?

You don’t see her with her mum so as you say you can’t comment.

But if this is the start of her growing up - her trying to relate to her dad, have a conversation surely that good? The more people who are there the less she has to say - and the less comfortable she will be.

Her birthday dinner doesn’t have to sit right with you. And she isn’t playing happy families - her mum and dad are her family and she is having dinner with them.

Bobiverse · 16/11/2025 13:12

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 12:57

I know I said we don’t get along, we don’t have any bond which is understandable she has only been a child who didn’t chose this. But she does not have a bond with anybody. She is very shy and quiet and rarely talks to her dad (I don’t know her relationship with her mum). She treats me the same as every family member; with contempt. So what I’m trying to say is, we have no bond but it’s the same as her dad. So playing happy families the two of them just doesn’t sit right.

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Playing happy families? I’m seeing why you weren’t invited.

They are her parents. Having dinner with them is not “playing happy families”.

You’re not invited. Get over it. It’s not all about you.