Step daughters 18th meal

[Bitterfromthesweet]

My husband spilt from his ex 10 years ago. They have a daughter together. I have been with my husband for 9 years.
She is coming up to her 18th birthday and my husband’s ex suggested the two of them take their daughter out for dinner as they have “raised her to 18”

I didn’t see a problem with the meal but this comment has annoyed me, as I have also been in her life for 9 years. I took her out when she wanted to go when she was younger, picked her up from school, gave her all her meals, tidied her room, done her washing etc.

This has made me feel like a free nanny for 9 years.
Maybe I’m over reacting. I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

She’s never wanted to do anything with you but you want to go to her 18th birthday dinner when her mother hasn’t invited you.

If she was behaving like that why didn’t you leave it to DH?

At the risk of being flamed I do not want my daughters ‘stepmother’ at her 18th. Having said that, neither does she.

Why would she want to spend her landmark birthday with her parents and step mother she doesn't like or get on with?!

It's not a crime to want to spend time alone with your parents without a third wheel and it sounds like you're just being petty about it tbh.

I am sure others have suggested this, but my guess is that you don't get along as well with the mother as you think you do. Or rather, she doesn't really get along with or like you as much as you think. I would hazard a guess that your SD has picked up on this, which is why she has always kept a bit of distance from you. The mother may even have said something to SD behind your back.

Are you forgetting whose birthday it is OP? It’s not about you. If you don’t get along with your SD (which I know all about, I was once a step parent as well!!) then she’ll hardly want you at her special birthday dinner.

So you don’t want to go and don’t get along with her, what’s the big deal then?

I can’t emphasise enough how much this isn’t about you yet you seem to think it is.

@Bitterfromthesweet Being a step mum can be an utterly thankless task. It is down to your husband though to educate step kids to respect you. On this forum you are going to get lots of responses from birthmums who won't understand your experience necessarily as they haven't lived it, they are seeing things from being in their shoes and not yours (and I don't mean that unkindly). I'm not sure you will gain much understanding on here, have you tried posting on the step parents talk section? You may get a bit more empathy on there.

Personally I would not insist on being present to kids' birthdays if they don't specifically request your presence, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with my husband attending a meal with his ex and his kid without me, unless you are on very good terms with her - if you are, then it may be ok with you, but it sounds like you aren't 100% happy with it and are feeling snubbed and excluded. Have you tried explaining how the situation is making you feel to your husband? In my situation my husband has had birthday celebrations for his kids with the wider family which I haven't attended as the kids haven't specifically asked me to come. However, the ex wife has not attended these (they are not on good terms, so if people are good terms it can be different). If people are on good terms, I would not expect you to be excluded and understand why that may feel unfair and unacceptable to you,

You are not a nanny but and mostly…you aren’t her mother. Let your step daughter have a meal with both her parents…
and…
next time something come’s up that your husband needs to do. Let him do it…
and…
nothing prevents you from having a special 18th birthday thingy with her too!

My stepson recently turned 18. We had a family meal with him, my husband, our daughter and my daughter, and obviously stepson. Then arranged a nightout with grandparents too. I would have been hurt after 12 years of caring for him (not doing my husbands job, we are a team and care for the three children as such) not to be invited so i can understand why you feel that way.
I suppose its different if you dont get on, have you spoken to your husband?

Exactly.

I can’t think of anything worse or more awkward

They are the bio parents, this is a normal request

It's her birthday so it's about her not you. You've said you don't get along, so therefore it would be nicer for her for you not to be there?

Sorry if this has been asked but you weren’t the OW were you OP? That would massively change the dynamic of things. If not I would just try to accept that she does not currently see you as an extended parent but also accept that her feelings may change as she grows and gets older and has her own independence.

This x 100

I don’t blame them for wanting to spend time alone with their daughter on her birthday.

BUT, they also shouldn’t have been expecting you to help them with their kid for 9 years.

OP has said she wasn't, but by the timelines given she was either introduced to DD incredibly quickly, the relationship began very soon after the split or a bit of both (break up 10 years ago, been with DH 9 years and been in DDs life 9 years).

None of which was wise, on the part of either adult. It's quick enough to risk a child internalising the idea that the new partner and the break up were connected.

Stop overthinking it. This isn't about you.

None of us know the dynamics of your relationship with stepdaughter so I don't think any comment can be made about that.

On the face of it, it does seem rather odd that you would have wanted an invitation to your step daughter's 18th celebration dinner with her parents when you say yourself that you don't get on. But I understand why you are feeling hurt. You have tried to be on friendly terms with her but, for whatever reason, your step daughter is unwilling to reciprocate. It must have been upsetting to be rebuffed all the time, especially as she has been in your life for 9 years. It must feel a bit like they are all rubbing salt in the wound by, as you see it, playing happy families.

As you yourself have acknowledged, it wouldn't have been a good idea to be present, so it seems that your hurt is not specifically about this particular occasion but possibly about all the other occasions when you have been treated as an unwelcome outsider. It is likely that, had you attended the dinner, neither you nor your husband and his ex, nor their daughter would have enjoyed the occasion.

Hopefully now that you have let your feelings out on here, you will feel a bit less unhappy, and, you never know, maybe in the future your step daughter will become more friendly towards you as she matures and gets to understand that family life is often complicated and disappointing - and that you have tried your best.

,

Dysfunctional? What a judgemental and outdated view. Not far off 50% of marriages end in divorce, are you suggesting that not far off 50% of parents are dysfunctional?

To be fair, I wouldn’t think to invite someone the birthday girl doesn’t like or get along with.

I went with my ex to celebrate my DD’s graduation, my now dh didn’t question it, he’s not her dad (ironically I did go to dsds but only because her mum couldn’t/didn’t want to go and dsd was upset, she was pleased I would go instead)

Why do you keep doing things for her then? I'd step right back, no more cooking for her or doing her washing.

Why is her father allowing this attitude from her and why isn't he doing the grunt work?

I think you need to let this, albeit slightly annoying, comment go.

Your stepdaughter's 18th is about her and a celebration, for her, with her parents. Be careful you don't spoil it.

I think it’s a nice gesture for their daughter. You can do a special meal for step parents maybe?

If you get on, been an active part of her life, etc etc then yes I think it's reasonable for all 4 'parent's' to celebrate. But if you don't get on with your step daughter then you ought to be waving your DH off and not giving it another thought.