Step daughters 18th meal

[Bitterfromthesweet]

My husband spilt from his ex 10 years ago. They have a daughter together. I have been with my husband for 9 years.
She is coming up to her 18th birthday and my husband’s ex suggested the two of them take their daughter out for dinner as they have “raised her to 18”

I didn’t see a problem with the meal but this comment has annoyed me, as I have also been in her life for 9 years. I took her out when she wanted to go when she was younger, picked her up from school, gave her all her meals, tidied her room, done her washing etc.

This has made me feel like a free nanny for 9 years.
Maybe I’m over reacting. I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

Maybe what you are interpreting as “contempt” is anger or sadness at her domestic situation. Maybe she’s just a moody teen & it’s a phase

“Playing happy families the two of them” makes you sound insecure.

My parents did multiple things with me when I was behaving like a sulky teen to mark milestones etc nothing unusual about it.

The issues you have are between you & DP.

It’s not for you to decide that her relationship with her parents “doesn’t sit right”. This comment makes you sound really childish.

Horrible assumptions you're making. Being divorced doesn't have to mean a dysfunctional family. How on earth do you know they haven't been wonderful parents?!

For as long as OP and her husband are together there are going to be lots of things that ‘don’t sit right’ with OP.

It sounds like she doesn’t believe the girl deserves a healthy relationship with her parents. Doesn’t want any fences to be mended unless they involve her.

I think her husband will find he has to decide at some point between a relationship with his adult daughter or his wife.

Idk except I know my dd wanting this for her “celebration after GCSE results”, even though I suggested inviting her step mum who she gets on with.

No siblings, no other relatives, just her mum and her dad.

I think we underestimate how much teens want this occasionally even if they know your divorce was the right thing.

You can't say she doesn't have a bond with anybody because you literally don't know that. It just sounds bitchy to make that sweeping assumption.

@Bitterfromthesweet
this is one of those step mum hating threads you'll never win. If you hadn’t tried hard for the last ten years , you’re a cow, you have tried hard so you’re the unpaid nanny. How dare you even consider yourself important here .. blah blah.

TBh my husband would rather gauge out his own eyes than go to a cosy dinner for three with his ex whatever the occasion. He’s wouldn’t even consider it, she’d do something with her mum and something with us. I think the fake ‘perfect family’ nonsense is pathetic.

Really - if your husband’s daughter wanted to have dinner with her two parents he would refuse and would insist on a dinner with you instead?

I assume there is a high conflict relationship there. Most adults could get through one dinner with someone they don’t particularly like for the sake of their child.

i am sorry your husband feels this way - it’s a shame he can’t get passed his own emotions.

will he refuse to sit at the top table at a wedding because he can’t stand his ex? Will he refuse to visit his new grandchild in the hospital unless you are there and his ex has left the building?

It’s not the daughter insisting here, it’s the ex wife! Thats why it’s different.

we will all sit on the top table if there ever is one in the future!

it’s not that anyone can’t go to dinner, everyone has just moved on and don’t feel the need to pretend any different!

So you have to be at the top table?

my friend had a small top table - only wanted the four parents with step parents at the two family tables with uncles and aunts. One step mother kicked off majorly: tears, tantrums. She wasn’t being treated with respect (even though she was sat beside the bride’s grandparents).

ruined the wedding - other two step parents were perfectly happy. She didn’t attend the wedding. Huge fuss becuase she felt she should be given the same status as the brides mother. No one else understood what the hell she was on about and she was the but of many a joke at the reception🤣.

Because the children of divorced parents sometimes just want to celebrate their important milestones with their actual parents, especially if their actual parents are civil enough to do it. Not everything is about the partners. You and your husband take her out separately and let her enjoy her time with her mum and dad.

Exactly. She will get one 18th birthday. She deserves to celebrate it with her parents. It’s one meal.

All her life she will have to deal with this. Every important milestone will involve discussions around her parents new spouses. Where are they seated at the wedding, what about the first dance, etc. Nothing will be about her and it will be all about them. Just cut the shit and give the girl a break.

If you had an amazing warm relationship with DSD I would say her parents should include you and stepdad. But you know that’s not the case, so however jarring it seems, it’s best to let it go.

And yes, perhaps reassess your feelings about recognition for your efforts from DH - he is the one who should be voicing appreciation and encouraging his DD to say thank you.

They are not playing happy families OP.

They are striving to do their best by their daughter and celebrate important moments in her life together, as the people who brought her into the world & share responsibility for her, because one thing they do still have in common is their love for and interest in her.

I completely agree but , this is not being driven by the child! It’s empty and nonsense as she doesn’t care!

It wouldn’t be a big deal , we didn’t have a top table at all! But parents would all sit together, I’ve been to many weddings the same. I wouldn’t care or make a fuss either way tbh. Im just not that bothered. I think in this instance , it’s not being driven by the child so the OP has a valid viewpoint.

You don’t like her. You think she treats everyone with contempt and doesn’t have a bond with anyone.

why do you even care? You haven’t said one kind thing about her.

Because you don't get on with her.

I'm guessing the parents like their child

You cannot “move on” from being a parent or a child. It’s not a romantic meal out it’s about the child . And lots of teenagers are sulky or appear not to care. It doesn’t mean the parents never do anything with them.

Why use the term 'biological parents'? They are her parents.

This post kind of reads more like youre upsetvatbthe idea of your dh and his ex playing happy families without you, which, for the record I totally get. Dont take it personally.

But they are this girl’s family. They are her mum and dad. What has this ‘playing happy families’ nonsense got to do with it?

Why can’t a child have dinner with her two parents? Lots of people are mature enough to do this for their child.

What has struck me is how so many people can’t see this from the child’s perspective.

It’s also the constant “step parents can’t win”, I get it to a point but it’s not about you “winning.”
If you don’t want to deal with the downsides of being a step-parent which includes him dealing with his ex marry someone without children. It’s that simple.
But don’t marry someone with children & insist you must sit at the top table, create an issue over two parents taking their child out for her 18th etc.
If you feel resentful that you did a lot for this child without acknowledgment take it up with DH separately.

Seek help, this is deranged

It’s her 18th birthday.
Let her celebrate it with her parents, who she cares about and gets along with.
Why would you WANT to be included?! Just to stir things up? Make everyone uncomfortable? Come on…..🤷🏼‍♀️