Step daughters 18th meal

[Bitterfromthesweet]

My husband spilt from his ex 10 years ago. They have a daughter together. I have been with my husband for 9 years.
She is coming up to her 18th birthday and my husband’s ex suggested the two of them take their daughter out for dinner as they have “raised her to 18”

I didn’t see a problem with the meal but this comment has annoyed me, as I have also been in her life for 9 years. I took her out when she wanted to go when she was younger, picked her up from school, gave her all her meals, tidied her room, done her washing etc.

This has made me feel like a free nanny for 9 years.
Maybe I’m over reacting. I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

Probably a feeble attempt to assuage their guilt. This is their insecurity, not meant as a slight on you.

YABU …have a separate night for you and your husband to spoil her.
Don’t ruin it for her or leave a bad feeling for her to pick up. I’m sure she appreciates you but they are her mum and dad . I’m a step parent to two boys who live with me and my husband but l know l’ll never be their mother . It’s a joy to raise a child that’s not yours as it’s a chance to help them heal from the separation of their original parents. Be happy for everyone ..it’s a healthier approach.

I think it was insensitive of your partner to say as they have “raised her to 18” when you have been actively involved in taking care of her in past 9 years.

There are plenty of kids whose milestones are attended by more than 2 family members. But it’s clear you are not a family to her as shown by both your partner and your step dd. She doesn’t even seem to like you. Her reasons maybe justified but you are not the Mother Theresa and there is no noble prize for you, so you allowed to prioritise your emotional well being. Keep the relationship respectful and help where you can but you don’t have to tidy her room, nor you need to wash her clothes. She has two parents to care for her.

You can give her a card and a token gift for her birthday but don’t go overboard with the gift or taking her out, she is not comfortable with you and you know your relationship is not valued.

I think this is odd tbh. Me and my Ex-H have raised our boys well together over the years but I would find it really really odd to go out with just me, him and the boys.

We both have new partners and new families and if I want to take any of my children or step-children out for a celebration I want to do it with my current husband! My ex can do it with his new wife if he wants.

I think the issue here is your partner - I'd expect mine to (politely) say no to this daft idea and he will do his own thing with you and her instead. His daughter gets 2 celebrations that way too!

There is no need for op to spoil her. She has 2 parents, and she doesn’t like op irrespective of the reasons. Op can give her a birthday card and a present and maintain her self esteem by not forcing herself on someone who does not feel comfortable with them after 9 years of attempts at making relationship. There is no joy in op for this. Perhaps you have a different relationship.

Also, which 18 year old would want an awkward dinner on their milestone birthday with just parents who are not together? In a more happier atmosphere, there will be a family get together to celebrate the child. But father thinks celebrating child’s milestone birthday is not about child but an exclusive party where only parents are allowed because they raised that child. So she is raised in such way that she has problems with a step mother who is not only nice but also cares for her.

You’re not her mum unfortunately, you’re just the husband’s new wife.

Let them have this one last night as a family.

But you don’t get on with your step daughter? Why do you think it would be nice then?

Let who have this last night as family? Mother, father or daughter? Op didn’t stop them being a family 9 years ago when they decided to separate.

Op is not husband’s new wife. Because OP’s husband is not mother’s husband. He is mother’s ex, and op is not new wife. She has been wife for 9 years.

But it’s not OP’s fault. He step dd does not like op for some reason. While it makes sense op does not go to step DD’s birthday given she does even like op, father’s comment to op was a bit weird - only parents are going because they raised her for 18 years.

Being step mother is usually a thankless job, so unless you are emotionally Teflon coated, it’s best to avoid get in relationship with someone with kids.

As a daughter of divorced parents who wouldn’t even be in the same room together, I would absolutely have loved this. Take the gesture in the spirit in which it is intended and put the child first - ask her what SHE would like

I find these kind of situations strange. I have been excluded from step children's invitations (from their mother, of course) so dh has declined.

You don’t get along with her but want to go to the meal?
The meal is for her, get your head out of your behind.

Us women are really our own worst enemies! So many of us fall for lousy men & if he has children already we pick up the parenting role & do the childcare, cooking, cleaning & laundry for our new ‘family’. But then considered to be nothing to the child when it comes to celebrating big birthdays, graduations, weddings etc. i get why you’re upset OP.
I will be advising my own DD to steer clear of men with DC. They are just not worth the hassle & often just looking for a replacement to do all the wife work. Resentful SC then treat you like dirt.

You have not raised her. You literally said you barely have a relationship with her.
Her 2 parents want to celebrate that their child had become an adult, What's the issue. You're not her parent.
And, like you said, you don't really get along with the daughter - so she would not have wanted you there anyway.
Would probably be nice for her to have kids her mum and dad, who she presumably don't spend much time just the 3 of them.

You have said you don't get on with her so why would she want you at her 18th birthday meal and why would you want to go? I think her birthday celebrations should be about her not her parents or step parents

Perhaps because you two don't get on. Would you spend your birthday with someone you're not very keen on?

Why not just step back and let her Mum and Dad take her out. After all, it is her 18th birthday. She didn’t ask for her parents to divorce. This is her day not yours. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, I don’t mean it to. Just let it be and let her have her parents to herself. It’s her one and only 18th birthday.

Not meant disrespectfully but just wondering.. did your DH leave ex to be with you? Just wondering if this could be the source of SD's issue with you

So how isn’t it raising her if it’s doing the stuff the man who is raising her should be doing?

Raising a child involves meeting their emotional, physical, financial, educational and moral needs.

OP wanted to help raise this girl - but the child wanted nothing to do with her.

it all depends on how much time OP spent with the girl. It doesn’t sounds like she was able to meet the child’s emotional needs.

school lifts and washing really isn’t enough.

she doesn’t like the girl and has no relationship with her. I don’t think she raised her.

I am wondering why you think she would want you at her birthday meal if she hasn't wanted you around before now?

In other words... she was raising her step daughter.

It's her 18th birthday. All that matters is what she would want.
I think it sounds like a lovely idea, as long as everyone is civil.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You said you weren't bothered about the meal but you were bothered about the comment, which is fair enough. People read bits that they want to and twist things. I think without that comment you wouldn't have thought about. If she'd have said, because we are her biological parents, you can disagree with that. Her comment however made a point that you could disagree with

They raised her and it doesn't seem like they have done a particularly good job of it from the sounds of it. She doesn't sound like a happy child and it doesn't sound like it will be a particularly enjoyable evening to miss. Have a fun night doing your own thing!