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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU? Partner out drinking and ignoring my messages and calls, I've had enough

171 replies

Acb1 · 15/11/2025 23:34

Just as above really. Partner went out with friends to a local bar this evening, i've text him three times and called him twice and absolutely no response. He's read all my messages and so assuming he's seen that ive tried to call him and he's still chosen to not contact. Nothing.

Just for context: We've been together for years, he's cheated on me before with a girl from this same bar, amongst other 'indiscretions' and used to reguarly go out and disappear until the morning, having no clue where he was or who he was with (he would claim to be at a friends house, who knows if that was true). I stupidly had a child with him and this is the first time he's done the disappearing act in a few years, he generally doesn't go out much now.

AIBU for feeling like I just want out of this relationship? He knows how I feel about him doing this and promised me he wouldn't be too late/do this again. The few times a year he goes out he doesn't behave like this, so am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Dacatspjs · 15/11/2025 23:35

You're not unreasonable for wanting to be out of this relationship. I'm struggling to see why you're in it at all. He sounds like a shit.

RecordBreakers · 15/11/2025 23:37

YANBU to be out of the relationship because he cheated on you.

OTOH, I'd find it weird if my dp were texting and calling me during an evening out.
You either trust him or you don't.

lazyarse123 · 15/11/2025 23:38

I think yabu to still be there waiting for him. You don't trust him and understandably so.
You deserve a stress free life.

IPM · 15/11/2025 23:39

YANBU to want to not be in the relationship, in fact God knows why you're still in it after being treated like shit.

But with regards to tonight, it's not even midnight so it's still quite early for a Saturday night drink.

PinkPonyClubDancer · 15/11/2025 23:40

You deserve better op.

Acb1 · 15/11/2025 23:42

It's not so much that he's even still out, it's the fact that he's just blantantky ignoring me that is bothering me. I just realky want to know if i'm being unreasonable to expect even a quick message back

OP posts:
Userengage · 15/11/2025 23:50

I think you should have ended this relationship ages ago but what is your message to him about?

tragichero · 15/11/2025 23:51

Generally I'd probably say, chill, he's just out and it's not that late.

But given his form, I do understand your need for reassurance.

Is this something you have discussed? I think you would be well within your rights to say, because of your past history I would like at least one text at such and such a time letting me know your plans if you are still out by then.

To be fair, texting takes about 20 seconds, and it annoys me when people act like expecting a text from someone who is out drinking with friends is the equivalent of demanding one of their kidneys at knife point.

My FWB is out tonight and has managed to text me twice (and we don't even live together or anything, obviously, he just messaged to check in on me because he knows I am with a poorly relative and it's stressful.). The burden of sending two brief texts does not appear to have completely scuppered his evening's fun!

RampantIvy · 15/11/2025 23:52

But why are you contacting him on a night out? Is there an emergency? DH and I don't contact each other if one of us is out.

Apart from that, he sounds horrible and you deserve better.

TheCheekySloth · 15/11/2025 23:53

You should have ended, because this is how it is, you stay you will always be on edge thinking what if hes cheating again.
On the other hand i dont think id want my phone pinging off all the time when im out.
Unless its important then why do you need him to get back to you.

Justchillinhere · 15/11/2025 23:57

It's a night out, and you're calling it a disappearing act, sorry OP but you obviously don't trust him, and his previous actions now cause you anxiety. You would be better off on your own, you deserve to be happy

CosySeason · 15/11/2025 23:58

Why do you need to bother him when he is out? No wonder he is ignoring you.

If there is no trust leave.

Brefugee · 15/11/2025 23:58

YABU to pester him when he's on a night out, i would ignore that too.

YABU to stay in a relationship without trust.

Sorry, OP, it sounds shit. You would be better off alone than all this second guessing and worry

ChampagneJen · 15/11/2025 23:58

Well on the face of it you sound needy and it’s not normal to be harassing your partner on a night out when there is no emergency. However clearly his past behaviour means you feel the need to keep a check on things and fundamentally don’t trust him. Fair enough. Doesn’t really sound like it’s going to work long term does it.

FunMustard · 15/11/2025 23:59

You contacted him five times by 1130 - why?

Your anxiety around the cheating is making you behave like this. I wouldn't even consider doing this with my husband, but then I don't have any worries about cheating.

This cannot be good for either of you. The trust is completely gone. YANBU to want out; you are being unreasonable to be harassing him while he's on a night out because of your (understandable) insecurities.

Ghostmartin · 16/11/2025 00:00

What are you ringing him for?
Is it an emergency?

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 16/11/2025 00:00

Yabu to be ringing and messaging on a night out.

Yabu to have stayed with someone who cheated on you. If you’re going to stay, you have to trust him.

I wouldn’t be able to, so I wouldn’t have stayed.

CypressGrove · 16/11/2025 00:01

I'd be annoyed if my partner was contacting me so much on my night out. The deeper issue is that you don't trust him - if you did you would just let him enjoy his night out.

vitalityvix · 16/11/2025 00:02

Is there an emergency? If not, I don’t know why you’ve messaged him 3 times and called him twice before midnight while he’s out with his friends.

He’s a shit bag for cheating on you, but if you can’t get over that, you should leave the relationship.

HeddaGarbled · 16/11/2025 00:04

i've text him three times and called him twice

Why?

LadyWiddiothethird · 16/11/2025 00:07

You obviously don’t trust him,why are you texting and phoning him?He is on a night out,leave him be.

Acb1 · 16/11/2025 00:08

FunMustard · 15/11/2025 23:59

You contacted him five times by 1130 - why?

Your anxiety around the cheating is making you behave like this. I wouldn't even consider doing this with my husband, but then I don't have any worries about cheating.

This cannot be good for either of you. The trust is completely gone. YANBU to want out; you are being unreasonable to be harassing him while he's on a night out because of your (understandable) insecurities.

He'd been out since early afternoon, he didn't just leave at 6/7pm. I know what your saying but is it harrasing him if i'm just lookkng for a response? We have a child together and imo, I think he should be contactable in an emergency, I know I would be but msybe thats different? I know this isn't an emergency, but I dont think dropping me a quick text is too much an ask tbh, past cheating or not. But youre right, I did let my anxiety get to me and then messaged more/called him

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 16/11/2025 00:11

We've been together for years, he's cheated on me before with a girl from this same bar

I've voted that YABU just because you're still with him after this. I do not understand why anyone would stay with someone who cheated on them. How little do you have to think of yourself to do that?

You don't trust him, and with good reason. Why are you still in a relationship with him?

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 16/11/2025 00:13

What have you texted him?

Acb1 · 16/11/2025 00:14

tragichero · 15/11/2025 23:51

Generally I'd probably say, chill, he's just out and it's not that late.

But given his form, I do understand your need for reassurance.

Is this something you have discussed? I think you would be well within your rights to say, because of your past history I would like at least one text at such and such a time letting me know your plans if you are still out by then.

To be fair, texting takes about 20 seconds, and it annoys me when people act like expecting a text from someone who is out drinking with friends is the equivalent of demanding one of their kidneys at knife point.

My FWB is out tonight and has managed to text me twice (and we don't even live together or anything, obviously, he just messaged to check in on me because he knows I am with a poorly relative and it's stressful.). The burden of sending two brief texts does not appear to have completely scuppered his evening's fun!

Yeh, we've spoken about this before and he knows my (now) boundaries and normally sticks to them. And I agree, I dont think it's unreasonable that he take 2mins out of his evening to message back but the general vibe is that is an unreasonable expectation.

OP posts:
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