AIBU? Partner out drinking and ignoring my messages and calls, I've had enough

[Acb1]

Just as above really. Partner went out with friends to a local bar this evening, i've text him three times and called him twice and absolutely no response. He's read all my messages and so assuming he's seen that ive tried to call him and he's still chosen to not contact. Nothing.

Just for context: We've been together for years, he's cheated on me before with a girl from this same bar, amongst other 'indiscretions' and used to reguarly go out and disappear until the morning, having no clue where he was or who he was with (he would claim to be at a friends house, who knows if that was true). I stupidly had a child with him and this is the first time he's done the disappearing act in a few years, he generally doesn't go out much now.

AIBU for feeling like I just want out of this relationship? He knows how I feel about him doing this and promised me he wouldn't be too late/do this again. The few times a year he goes out he doesn't behave like this, so am I being unreasonable?

Calm down! Yes we can see each other on the app, mostly so we know when to put the kettle on 🫖

Can’t even imagine being bothered to check an app to see where my husband is! How boring 😹😹😹

Absolutely this. Texting and calling someone when you know they’re out with other people is rude and attention seeking unless it’s urgent imo. I wouldn’t answer unless it was importantly. I certainly wouldn’t reply to ‘are you having a good night’

However cheating is a deal breaker for me so I wouldn’t be in the relationship in the first place.

if he’s going to cheat again, no amount of texts will change that

I see the poor OP got a good kicking on (disguised as advice) and unsurprisingly has gone.
Shame, as she seemed in a bit of a bad place already.
OP if youre still reading, I can imagine it would be very difficult to trust in your shoes. I think sending him so many messages is probably not what most people would do, but i understand why you would be anxious, and he should understand that too. I hope you've managed to have a good talk with him this morning.

Actually it's a marvellous idea. I can see where DH and teen DS are in relation to when I will be putting dinner on. Or for a cuppa.

I can see that DH is travelling back and approaching a supermarket to call and say "just swing in and pick me up a pint of milk"

They can both see I'm out on the school run with the little ones and have stopped at the park on the way back, so no need to worry that we haven't arrived home and potentially been in a car crash.

It's a very helpful app.

I haven’t ignored the fact that he’s cheated.

She’s the one who chose to stay with him but you can’t use that as an excuse to be controlling.

I started a thread on here a while back about my friend who couldn’t go out without her bf texting her and if she doesn’t reply then he starts phoning her.
The replies were all saying that his behaviour was completely unacceptable and how his behaviour was awful (yes she had cheated too) - so how is that any different.

The majority of posters have said how texting and phoning multiple times is not ok.
I am not the only one.

OP did it for selfish reasons which is disrespectful.

I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with such little trust in one another.

Do you seriously think he’s going to cheat on you that much?
I’d rather end the relationship all together than live with this much paranoia.

And the kettle takes less than 1 minute to boil.
That isn’t even a good excuse.

I hope you don’t have daughters and teach them that this is acceptable or healthy.

@FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease I use Life360 too. It’s great for letting you know when someone will be home etc. I have my DH, son, sister and mum all on it and it’s handy because I live far away from mum and sister so it’s good to know when they’re home to call them and not disturb them if they’re out. I like to know when my son is home if I’m out etc. and I actually look least at my husband but sometimes I do for meals etc or if I want to look busy🤣

Er, I trust both my husband and my child. And they trust me.

It's a really helpful app. I know teen DS has made it on to his bus. Or that he's still at his mates. I know DH has been caught in traffic when I see him crawling on the motorway, and don't need to worry that he's been in an accident.

They know that I'm still out for lunch even though I guesstimated I'd be back by 3, without calling to ask.

It's sad the instinct is to jump to lack of trust.

It’s sad that your DH or DS can’t be bothers to even text you to say they’re on the way home but yet still expect their dinner ready and waiting for when they get home.

So you have to regularly check a tracking app to know when to put dinner or the kettle on.

That is sad.

Using it for a child because they’re 30mins later than usual getting home is one thing but not on a regular basis and no way for an adult.

It’s crazy how before I’d never have to have told my DD that her boyfriend suggesting she wears a tracker is wrong - everyone would just know it.
Now it seems people encourage it.

He’s not an excellent dad if he is mistreating the mother of that child.

I don't see a issue at all infact I find it weird that anyone would get annoyed because their partner has messaged them while out my partner always messages me when he's out even at work he messages me it's so bloody strange people get annoyed by it

@MyAmusedPearlSquid I hate playing message hockey on my phone - with anyone, even DH and DD. If I am going to have a conversation with someone I would rather do it in person or by a telephone call. DH and I really only message each other for reminders and other important things.

I pre-date mobile phones, and DH and I just don't feel the need to constantly message each other.

Oh poppet.

They can. What's really sad is your nasty posts and inability understand why an app like this is useful to trusting, happy people.

We have mum and dad on as well. Same thing, we can check if they're in before we call. Mum actually left her phone at DNans and we were able to locate it through 360 which was an added bonus 😁

No responding is not the same as being non-contactable. Presumably if you texted to say child was in an accident he'd respond?

The fact he isn't responding shows he doesn't give a shit. If he did, he'd be doing everything in his power to make you feel loved and secure.

Second this!

Tracking apps aren’t inherently toxic in trusting, healthy relationships. They are useful. We just use the ‘find my iPhone’ app. Firstly so that we can find our iPhones if we lose them, but secondly so we can see where each other are when we need to.

DH works late so if the dog disturbs me in the night it’s nice to be able to check from bed that it’s just DH getting home and not an intruder. If I’m driving home DH can see how far away I am so he can get lunch on without having to call me to check (and risk waking the sleeping baby!) etc etc. Nothing harmful about it at all.

I wouldn’t suggest that it’s a good idea for OP because obviously she is struggling with trust and it would probably just become a crutch to soothe her anxiety (without actually soothing it). It could easily be misused within a controlling relationship.

They can but they choose not to?

So instead you have to keep checking an app so you can time it just right to have their dinner on the table or the kettle boiled?

I can’t see how you can’t see anything wrong in that.

I guess ignorance is bliss.

And I’m not being nasty, I genuinely feel sorry for you that this is your life.
And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

That’s bizarre. Why are you so intent on feeling sorry for someone in a perfectly happy and normal relationship? Are you projecting?

They’re not though are they.

That posters admits that they track their partner when they go out.

And admits they track them to know when to have dinner ready and put the kettle on - instead of them just texting to say they’ll be leaving or home at X time, she has to constantly check an app to see where they are and whether they’re going to be late or not.

This is the poster that suggested OP (who struggles with paranoia/insecurites already) should get a tracker to know exactly where her DH is on a night out - that is the most unhealthy advice you can give anyone.
That is why I responded to that particular poster.

I think you’re confusing two separate posters. @FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPleasewas not the poster who mentioned a kettle (not that I think there’s anything wrong with that) nor were they the poster that recommended a tracking app.

I know, it's such a shame isn't it.

"Constantly checking... tracking your partner...can't be bothered to text and expect their dinner" is all she can interpret, despite what's written down.

That stems from somewhere, you're right.

Meanwhile, me and 3DC are watching Harry Potter, and rather than turf littlest DH off my lap, to get up and call DH, or stop/talk over the film if I call him sat here, or text when he can't reply because he's driving I look on the app to see where he is. 5 minutes from home. Nice. I won't get up for a cuppa now then, and disrupt little DS, I've only got to wait a couple of mins for DH to make me one when he gets back. Veritably psychopathic.