AIBU? Partner out drinking and ignoring my messages and calls, I've had enough

[Acb1]

Just as above really. Partner went out with friends to a local bar this evening, i've text him three times and called him twice and absolutely no response. He's read all my messages and so assuming he's seen that ive tried to call him and he's still chosen to not contact. Nothing.

Just for context: We've been together for years, he's cheated on me before with a girl from this same bar, amongst other 'indiscretions' and used to reguarly go out and disappear until the morning, having no clue where he was or who he was with (he would claim to be at a friends house, who knows if that was true). I stupidly had a child with him and this is the first time he's done the disappearing act in a few years, he generally doesn't go out much now.

AIBU for feeling like I just want out of this relationship? He knows how I feel about him doing this and promised me he wouldn't be too late/do this again. The few times a year he goes out he doesn't behave like this, so am I being unreasonable?

OP stop wasting your time with him and seeking approval from others to do what makes you happy and gives you peace of mind and self-respect.

clearly if you live together, there will be practicalities you need to sort out, it may not be an instant fix, but start the process. Why not use 2026 as your year to get rid of people who drag you down.

He sounds awful and, as horrible as it sounds, you sound like a door matt op.

@Acb1 OP, you are getting your knickers in a twist over trivialities while ignoring that stinking great elephant in front of you. Him being out of contact on a night out is utterly irrelevant to your situation.

Just end it already.

Since when? Yes all hen nights are virtuous pure little snowflakes let alone other other scenarios

Boundaries are for you, not other people. And you constantly texting and calling his really weird (even with his past form).

YABU for being in a relationship with and having a child with this man.

YANBU for wanting to leave him.

Time for your disappearing act. Get your ducks in a row and GTF out. Take your kid and move away, get CMS organised and forget he exists.

I would be annoyed if Dh bothered me for no reason if I was out. It bothers you because you don’t trust him.

After all he’s done op a little reassuring text isn’t too much to ask for x

It sounds like you are angry at yourself. You should be! You stayed with him after he he treated you like dog shit. You’re starting to put yourself first. Just dump him. Everything will work out

I can totally see why you're so anxious about him going out given what he's put you through.
How long ago did he cheat with the girl at the bar?
It's so easy to say leave but bloody hard to do.
You can't live on your nerves every time he goes out though. Well, you can but it will ultimately wear you down completely. You deserve far better.
It's admirable you've been so forgiving and tried to make it work, I don't know if I could. But I think you're living through longer torment now than when he didn't come home or cheated.
You're worried about upsetting HIM. If he's seen your messages he should give a quick reply to one. Especially given his past. He should want to reassure you, albeit briefly.
I'm sure he loves you, but he sounds so selfish.
You deserve some peace of mind that he'll be faithful and come home.

The thing is though that you can’t separate these two things. The reason why you are (justifiably) irritated and concerned is because he has form for cheating.

When my partner goes out I don’t bother him seeking reassurance because I trust him and because what reassurance could he give me anyway? Its a completely pointless thing to do. The fact you feel the need to do it underlines how anxious and insecure you are about the relationship.

You won’t ever get the reassurance you need. The only way to get this peace of mind is to get control of it by leaving. He doesn’t respect you, so you don’t trust him. A few phone calls and text messages on a night out won’t change that.

I said YABU because there's no need to be constantly texting/ringing on a night out, unless there's an emergency. The fact that you feel you can no longer trust him is an issue though, why are you still in the relationship? It won't work without trust.

Well yes it is unreasonable, you knew he was going out, why couldn’t you have dealt with whatever you’re asking him about before he went? Or can’t it wait until morning? I’m struggling to see what could possibly be so urgent he needs to respond immediately on his night out.

You’re not unreasonable to think he’s a cheating idiot that you’d do better to leave.

Hmm I wouldn’t pester mine on a night out BUT he goes out honestly once / twice a year on a boozy one so that’s his time

Yanbu to come to the conclusion that you should dump his arse. YABU to continuously contact him on nights out. What’s even the point? He doesn’t respect you as it is, he’s not going to suddenly have an epiphany while down the pub with his mates just because you keep calling and messaging him.

Completely agree with this

Bin him. Life doesn’t need to be like this.

But there is no emergency.

YANBU not to trust him and to separate due to his past behaviour, but what you are doing now is not healthy or reasonable.

You trust him or you don't. I wouldn't respond either to my partner messaging me when I was out asking I if I was having a good time. Chances are that yes I am having a good time and I don't want to be on my phone and rather talking to my friends. If you messaged a concern however then I would respond e.g. if the message was worry over a poorly child then I would likely leave and go home.

I think you haven't got over him cheating and if you can't move past that then the relationship isn't going to work out. Did you try counselling to help?

as the previous posts say, you’re both reasonable and unreasonable as you’ve basically presented two different issues.

first one, is it reasonable to harass him when he’s out. No. It is not.

second one, is it reasonable to want to end a relationship where you’ve been cheated on, yes yes it is.

however you can’t decide to stay in a relationship with a cheater, go on to have a child in that relationship and still behave like you don’t trust them, and you don’t trust them,. You calling and texting him won’t make him not cheat. A quick message back won’t mean he isn’t cheating. And he can cheat in any bar in the world. It doesn’t need to be that one.

so you either accept he cheated, and want to stay with him, or you end it, accepting you simply can’t get over the cheating, but tried.

He sounds like a catch! It’s not normal to harass a partner on a night out tho

How was he when he came in?

Why are you messaging him when he's on a night out. I wouldn't want my partner to message me. I would feel he was checking on me and it's not attractive. I get the history but even so ..

Hmmm I was out yday since mid day and never messaged my husband back all day - he did text once with a photo of the kids and what they were up
to! I l meant to reply but moved onto another bar and forgot !

i didn't get home until pretty late and everyone was asleep - no biggy

but clearly you can’t trust this guy and haven’t moved past the cheating - so I’d end things as he’s ent to go on nights out and you are always gonna have anxiety around it and this will happen again and again - so free yourself from him then you never have to care where he is again

I would hate my partner to keep texting/ringing me on a night out. It would never occur to me to text him when he is out.

To be honest I would think someone had died if I saw so many texts and calls.