AIBU? Partner out drinking and ignoring my messages and calls, I've had enough

[Acb1]

Just as above really. Partner went out with friends to a local bar this evening, i've text him three times and called him twice and absolutely no response. He's read all my messages and so assuming he's seen that ive tried to call him and he's still chosen to not contact. Nothing.

Just for context: We've been together for years, he's cheated on me before with a girl from this same bar, amongst other 'indiscretions' and used to reguarly go out and disappear until the morning, having no clue where he was or who he was with (he would claim to be at a friends house, who knows if that was true). I stupidly had a child with him and this is the first time he's done the disappearing act in a few years, he generally doesn't go out much now.

AIBU for feeling like I just want out of this relationship? He knows how I feel about him doing this and promised me he wouldn't be too late/do this again. The few times a year he goes out he doesn't behave like this, so am I being unreasonable?

You should have been out of this ‘relationship’ the first time he cheated.

I went out after work Friday night, the only text I sent DH was when I was on my way home because I was walking. I saw then he'd text me a picture of ds along with a question if I wanted him to cook me anything for when I got home. I hadn't seen them so hadn't replied. He didn't follow up with more texts and calls. I wouldn't have liked it if he had especially the are you ignoring me bit. So I don't think your behaviour is great. However given the circumstances I understand why you don't trust him, his behaviour is awful, but why would you be with someone who you can't even trust to go for a drink with friends?

This.
It’s no way to live for both parties.

Answering your calls.
Replying to your texts whilst out.
Neither of these things prevent him having sex with anyone else 5 minutes before or 5 minutes after he responds to you.
You don't trust him ( I don't blame you). You aren't married so get him out of your house/ leave his and carry on with your life.

You said because you have a child together you think he should be contactable during an emergency. But he is, he has read your message and established this is not an emergency and you haven’t even mentioned your child to him in them. So you can’t use that as a reason he should be texting you back.

You either need to trust him and stop being clingy when he goes out or you can accept this man doesn’t respect you and isn’t being very caring to you. If this were my DH he would be more than happy to check in and let me know how his night was going. Just because it’s the nice thing to do, he loves me and doesn’t distract from his evening to send a two second text.

You’re allowed to need more from your relationship and walk away if he won’t give it. Ignoring you outright is cruel when he knows how you’ll be feeling. Especially as he is the cause of those feelings. He’s being selfish.

This is who he is and you are only still with him because you can’t accept that.

Asking for reassurance from a barking dog that has already bitten you is madness.

Your mh health is primarily your responsibility, why you have delegated that responsibility to someone who clearly doesn’t care, is an interesting choice and it is a choice.

The balls in your court.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, cheating can cause PTSD and not hearing from him will be triggering that. No wonder you're anxious. Here, he needs to adhere to YOUR boundaries. You took him back (I assume with certain conditions) and he's bloody lucky to be with you, therefore he needs to keep his side of the bargain and do whatever is necessary to make you comfortable. Thats the deal. It's not about trust now, it's about him doing everything in his power to ensure you KNOW he's true whatever it takes. If he doesn't care enough to do that, it's a problem. (Spoken from experience of infidelity. My husband now wouldn't dream of doing anything that made me even a fraction uncomfortable, sometimes he isn't aware that I'm not happy with something but he rectifies it immediately) Good luck x

"This is the first time he's done the disappearing act in a few years, he generally doesn't go out much now"

YABU.

All of this.

I don't think it's reasonable to send and expect messages when your partner's out with friends but more importantly, it doesn't help your feelings of insecurity because even if he were to respond you won't know what he's up to.
Almost no problem improves over time btw.

You are one massive ego trip for him. He is out with his friends while his partner, who he has cheated on, is at home thinking about him all night and waiting for him to text back. I expect he will continue to push you to see just how far he can go. You have already proved that he can treat you very badly and you will still come back for more. It isn’t not a good situation for you to be in.

I'm a contrary beast - anybody sending a message asking me if I was ignoring them would be ignored, especially if I hadn't noticed or been irritated by the earlier message.

Yes if thats your concern it's unreasonable if there's no emergency why are you even messaging him? That wouldn't be my concern. My concern would be not sticking to being home at the agreed time and going to a bar he has met someone and cheated with before. We have different priorities

YANBU. I’ve had partners, at all ages, who at times got totally smashed - and no backstory of known cheating or disrespectful behaviour that required extra reassurance. They’d still message or call me within a couple of hours, even if it was somewhat incoherent! Often message me unprompted, e.g. to let me know they’d be late back.

However, I wouldn’t generally message them when they were out, unless I was worried they were OK or it was necessary (i.e. to ask them to pick up something on way home). I’d be enjoying doing my own thing.

If someone’s going to have sex with someone else, no amount of messages will stop it or prove it isn’t happening. However, IMHO if they’ve previously breached trust or been disrespectful, part of showing they’re sorry and rebuilding trust is for them to reassure you unprompted going forward. Show they’re thinking of you while out.

Same here tbh.

I'd say you need to get out of this relationship and find someone you can trust. For a healthy relationship, texting and calling someone repeatedly on a night out is not normal. If you do this all the time then I can understand why he's ignoring you.
Not that he is blameless as his previous behaviour has helped get you where you are with this.
You don't want to get into the history so what you need to do is look at how best to move forward. Accept that you are not in a great place mentally/emotionally at the moment and you need to work on how best to deal with this and improve your situation. Only you can decide how to do that but it seems unlikely to improve if you stay in the same toxic situation you're in now.

My eyes were opened by a seemingly nice guy neighbour with a pregnant wife (a fought for pregnancy) ...laughing and ignoring his wife's calls to ? try and bond with impress ? my other half...she was working at the time, he was not. Thought it was something? Macho? To ignore calls from her? Pathetic stuff ...but Oh so common / normalised amongst men who prioritise their men to men hetero romances

I would not allow this in my relationship.

I think contacting someone when they’re on a night out is one of the most disrespectful things someone can do.

Sending one text to say you hope he’s having a good time is fine but then you leave it and definitely don’t ring.
Its beyond rude.

If you don’t trust him then why are you with him.
Why would him texting you back do anything to ease your paranoia - I don’t get it.

Well. Firstly why are you still with him and why did you have a child. You chose to have a partner that’s not that into you so I guess this is what happens.
secondly, yabu to text and call when he’s out. I hate when I’m out if I get repeated texts and calls for no real reason. I don’t do it to my husband and leave him alone but I trust him and that’s the difference.
You texting isn’t going to stop him cheating which I guarantee he will do again at some point of indeed he ever stopped.
your move next. Stay and be cheated on or leave. Up to you.

I think the question to ask here is ‘why do I doubt myself so much and have so little self esteem that I would put up with these behaviours in a man and seek answers from thousands of strangers on the internet?’

Uou know what you need to do. Are you ready to do it?

On the question of are you being unreasonable to expect a reply? No you are not. I always message my DH to say I’ve arrived safely/met friends ok. He does the same. We’ll also drop a message like ‘got the DC to bed ok’ or ‘last drink then heading for the bus’. Just updates to check in. Not because we are controlling or anxious but because we care about each other.

We do have the find your friends app so we can also see how the other is getting on. Might help for you OP if you want to continue the relationship.

I think im just looking for him to reply to show im a priority, that he cares, that he's ok and to alleviate my anxiety around him going out. To say that this is one of the most disrespectful things someone can do is taking it abit far is it not.

Op i think it's time to end this relationship tbh he can't be trusted it's not worth it

As for the messaging him while out I don't see a issue at all infact I find it weird that anyone would get annoyed because their partner has messaged them while out my partner always messages me when he's out even at work he messages me it's so bloody strange people get annoyed by it but that aside ignore the people on here having a pop at you and just pack this man's bag leave it outside and text him and say bags outside its over and move on

Thank you so much for this. Ive been so gaslight in the past, calling my behaviour crazy etc, when I really feel im just looking for the bare minimum. I dont think you stop existing because you go on a night out. Had he not rrad my messages, i wouldve maybe felt differently. It was the fact he read them and chose not to reply

What are you going to do?