AIBU? Partner out drinking and ignoring my messages and calls, I've had enough

[Acb1]

Just as above really. Partner went out with friends to a local bar this evening, i've text him three times and called him twice and absolutely no response. He's read all my messages and so assuming he's seen that ive tried to call him and he's still chosen to not contact. Nothing.

Just for context: We've been together for years, he's cheated on me before with a girl from this same bar, amongst other 'indiscretions' and used to reguarly go out and disappear until the morning, having no clue where he was or who he was with (he would claim to be at a friends house, who knows if that was true). I stupidly had a child with him and this is the first time he's done the disappearing act in a few years, he generally doesn't go out much now.

AIBU for feeling like I just want out of this relationship? He knows how I feel about him doing this and promised me he wouldn't be too late/do this again. The few times a year he goes out he doesn't behave like this, so am I being unreasonable?

What a mess eh. U cant separate the two issues unfortunately but u can him.

Exactly

You shouldn’t be contacting him that often on a night out. He’s allowed time without you and to be so needy and demanding is not healthy for either of you.

However, he’s cheated in the past, I get it.

But, if it’s left you feeling and behaving like this, the relationship is dead in the water.

Yabu to text & call that many times when hes on a night out, i would be embarrassed if my partner did that to me unless there was a good reason i.e kids were needing hospital & needed me to rush home to help.
but yanbu to end your relationship.

Yanbu to want out of the relationship.

Yabu for wanting him to respond to calls and texts on a night out. But I totally understand why you feel like you do - especially as he cheated with someone at this bar. But that just reiterates why you need to LTB.

YANBU to not want to be with him as the relationship sounds shit.

But YABU to expect your partner to be in contact with you, messaging you and speaking on the phone when he's out. I'd be furious if my husband mithered me when I'm out with friends.

But if he'd responded to the first friendly message just asking how his night was going, none of this would have happened. He could have reassured her, knowing that him going to this bar where he has cheated on OP in the past would probably make her feel insecure. He doesn't care enough to reassure her so I agree with posters that say that their relationship should end.

You don't live in the same house as your FWB, so the way you communicate will be different.

Don’t be ridiculous.

i've text him three times and called him twice

For what reason?? I was out until 12 last night. Why would DH be texting me when he knows I’m out with friends? Imagine if you were out with a friend and they went off to talk to their partner who they see all the time at home? 😆 Just never happens in my circle.

Doesn’t sound like you actually needed something. Relationship sounds very insecure.

Tbh OP you’re getting such a rough time on this thread because YABU to be surprised. He has shown you exactly who he is, what sounds like numerous times, sounds like he’s broadcast it through the local bars too. And you have let him get away with it. He’s got a great deal, he gets to drink, party, cheat, free childcare, and probably a nice dinner come Sunday Eve with just a sprinkle of “yeah yeah soz I won’t do it again, love”

It is like buying a blue car and throwing a strop that it’s still blue every time you go outside. He is a cheat and a liar. Stop tolerating it and move on.

Sorry OP, but what the fuck.

There's a lot of "cool wives" on this thread saying how they wouldn't be bothered and can't imagine sending texts.

I can tell you right now, I would not be "cool" with my husband going to get pissed in the place his affair shag was at, let alone ignoring me since 1pm and it being 11pm at night. Abso-fucking-lutely not.

It's not about the ignoring, that's just an added layer of disrespect and deliberate cruelty.

It's about even going where she is in the first place. He should be too damn ashamed too.

You need to leave this man.

Well you should have left him when he cheated on you really. But what was so urgent you were trying to contact him when he was on a night out?

YABU to expect a text back, I'd be annoyed if I had texts checking up on me during a night out, it's a time to switch off from family life and have fun. I can understand why you are like that given the history but if the trust isn't there it's probably best to just end the relationship.

It is nothing to do with being a 'cool wife'.

If I was out having an affair, I would always make sure I replied to texts. I could be doing anything. Replying to a text is no assurance that your partner is not shagging all and sundry.

I can see why people are saying you shouldn’t have messaged him so many times but if he’d had the decency (especially after his previous behaviour towards you) to reply after the first text when you simply asked him if he was having a nice time then you wouldn’t have felt anxious and the need to keep messaging him. He is playing mind games with you.
What time did he come home?

YABU.

He’s a selfish cheater.
You can’t make a cheater a decent guy by constantly messaging them when they’re out drinking.
Stop breeding with losers.
Children deserve better.

He’s cheated and you’ve basically accepted it by staying with him.
But because the trust is gone, you keep texting him. This relationship sounds done.

I used to hate it when my ex expected me to be texting him or answering calls when I was out catching up with friends, but I'd never cheated on him so... 🤷🏼‍♀️

You don't trust this man OP. He isn't going to keep you updated when he goes out and may or may not be cheating. That much is clear. So it's up to you how much you care about that.

YANBU to call time on this relationship but it needs to be "I realised I just don't trust you, and you don't want to take the time to reassure me and help us get that back" not "You went out and didn't text me you must have been cheating"
.
Yould would also NBU if you decided to stay and turn a blind eye to it. I dont think I could do that but I have known a couple it seems to work for 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don't think she'll stay when the kids are older and they're more like friends sharing kids really, but they do seem to genuinely enjoy family time together, share the load well, and get on great.

YWBU to stay and expect it to change, though.

What are you ringing and texting about? If you don't trust him then get out of the relationship but constantly ringing and texting is not normal and it would annoy me if I was out . I wouldn't answer just to make a point .

I think that’s a leap, you don’t know If she seeks reassurance a lot, if she does it every time etc and is always watching what he’s doing. It’s understandable as she doesn’t trust him, but there comes a point if you decide to stay with someone who cheats on you, and do so for years and have a baby with them, need to stop.

I think if I cheated, which I haven’t, and my husband decided to stay with me, there would come a point for me, I’d not respond, as I couldn’t reassure for ever and constantly pay for it.

He's cheated before.
You had him back.
You have a child together.
You don't trust him.
He doesn't respect your doubts or misgivings that are based on his previous behaviour.
= Not looking good for the relationship. = Send him packing 👍

Firstly, I would be livid if I was out with my mates and my partner relentlessly tried contacting me. The fact that you accepted his infidelity, sacrificed your body/career etc to have his baby without insisting on the protection of a marriage certificate has given him a green light to behave in this manner. His lack of response to your messages exemplifies this; he almost certainly has no respect for you and quite frankly he was probably having the time of his life chatting to other girls.

I see what you’re saying but it’s because of his actions that she feels the way she does. I wonder if he’s even bothered to reassure the OP at all. Obviously we don’t know.
But to go to a bar where the woman he slept with works is totally unreasonable. To then not send a quick text to reassure the OP that all is good, is bang out of order in my book.

He sounds like a crap partner and not sure why you are with him considering the cheating but other than that take a breath.

Continually contacting a grown up to check in when they are out for no reason is a bit much. It isn’t necessary and intrusive. You clearly done trust him for good reasons but he also shouldn’t have to contact you constantly.