AIBU? Partner out drinking and ignoring my messages and calls, I've had enough

[Acb1]

Just as above really. Partner went out with friends to a local bar this evening, i've text him three times and called him twice and absolutely no response. He's read all my messages and so assuming he's seen that ive tried to call him and he's still chosen to not contact. Nothing.

Just for context: We've been together for years, he's cheated on me before with a girl from this same bar, amongst other 'indiscretions' and used to reguarly go out and disappear until the morning, having no clue where he was or who he was with (he would claim to be at a friends house, who knows if that was true). I stupidly had a child with him and this is the first time he's done the disappearing act in a few years, he generally doesn't go out much now.

AIBU for feeling like I just want out of this relationship? He knows how I feel about him doing this and promised me he wouldn't be too late/do this again. The few times a year he goes out he doesn't behave like this, so am I being unreasonable?

I think youre right, I know deep down im only hurting myself, i dont think he'll ever change. And thank you for this. I just feel, even outwith the cheating, to completely ignore your partner because youre out isnt ok.

OP, it's not healthy if he can't have a night out without you repeatedly contacting him. If you don't trust him, then end the relationship.

The only friends I have ever seen repeatedly texting partners on a night out, are the ones who are controlled by them. They have to reply or they are in trouble. They are lucky if they are allowed out without them to start with. It's not healthy.

Why would you be a priority?

Is he not allowed to go out and have fun and make himself a priority for a few hours or do you always have to come first?

Why would him replying to your text show that he cares?
I know men who are violent and abusive cheats who are constantly texting their partners - that doesn’t mean they care.

You would have been the last person he wanted to speak to after texting and ringing multiple times.

And of course it’s one of the most disrespectful things someone can do.
You know he’s gone out to have fun and enjoy himself, yet you would rather make it about you.

I would not put up with a man who thought it was ok to text and ring me multiple times whilst I was out with my friends.
He wouldn’t get to push his insecurities on me like that.

What time did he come home? How is he behaving today?

You are not wrong to feel like this.

Please read "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft. On Amazon. It is very illuminating about this behaviour.

https://amzn.eu/d/5ND8uEp

Are you suggesting that OP and her partner puts the tracker on their phones to track each other on a night out?!!!

WTAF!

You do not track a grown adults whereabouts.

Your relationship is not healthy and you are not the right person to be giving OP any relationship advice.

OP did he come home?

Did you speak to him about this?

Why would I not be a priority? He/my family were my priority. My messaging him to check in wouldnt make his night out less of a priority, I simply asked if he was having fun. If you honestly think thats the most disrespectful thing someone can do then i can only assume you must be very young or have lead a very sheltered life. Either way, im glad youve not had to deal with anything worse but I would be grateful if you could stop replying as you clearly are in no position to offer advice

When did he come home, OP? How has he been?

I did, he was very drunk and confrontational so I left it. This morning he denied reading my messages and then said he wasnt able to reply as bad signal. I honestly dont want this anymore, im gna take some time to consider my options.

Good luck and stay strong.

I wouldn’t intrude on someone’s night out with non-emergency chitchat texts.

It’s good, however, that you are assessing what sounds like a toxic and dead-end situation which cannot be a good atmosphere for your developing child.

He's an excellent dad and it's certainly not a toxic envirnoment despite the impression ive maybe given, which is why it's hard for me to just up and leave. He hasn't done this in years but unfortuantely, due to our past, it's something I really struggle with. He is an ok partner most of the time, but there are times like this when he can be selfish and thoughtless. The general consensus is that I shouldnt be messaging him on a night out although we have agreed in the past that he does at least message to keep in touch. I dont think i can live my life like this anymore though and I know it's my own fault. As ive said, im going to take time to consider my options. I appreciate everyone thats messaged with helpful/kind advice. I wont be replying to anymore messages.

He is a headfuck. He has driven you round the bend which is why you feel such a strong urge to text him for reassurance.

You probably wouldn't bother texting him if he was trustworthy, considerate, respectful and kind towards you. But he isn't.

Now HE's being confrontational? 🤯 He'll be the victim next and expect you to apologise.

Look up DARVO deny attack reverse victim and offender.

Before you go, please don’t say things like that about yourself. It isn’t ‘your fault’. He’s broken your trust and you’re still dealing with that.

Exactly.

This.

If I was on a girls night out and my partner kept texting and calling, I'd not answer either unless the house was burning down.

Having said that, I wouldn't stay with someone who slept around. I'd have booted him out immediately, child or not.

Boundaries!

As I said the one text is fine.
Telling someone you hope they’re having a good time is (a bit unnecessary) fine.

It was the multiple texts and then phone calls that are disrespectful.

Your reasons for texting him were purely selfish and that’s what makes it disrespectful.

Are you seriously saying that you’d be telling your daughter that her boyfriends behaviour was ok if this happened to her?

Sorry if my posts don’t fit your narrative.
You aren’t coming across very well if you ask for advice and then don’t like when an opinion doesn’t fit yours.

There's a glaring difference in ignoring your phone because you're somewhere like a concert and it's a massive experience....

And checking your phone but ignoring your partner for 10hrs whilst getting pissed in the bar with the woman you had an affair with 10ft away.

Your partner is a cunt of the highest order for even going near the place again. This isn't just disrespect. He doesn't even like you OP. Do you understand that the gaslighting that you're crazy, and should be ok with this pig shit disgusting behaviour is abuse? He's an abuser. You need to leave.

You have said you won’t reply but you might still be reading. He’s lied to you about not responding to your messages and is being confrontational to shut you up.
Because of HIS past behaviour the trust has gone which is why you feel as you do when he goes out. No trust = no relationship foundations.
Bin him off OP. Save yourself. He can still be a good dad at your arms length. There’s a much brighter future for you without him.

Why are you even with him?

There is no evidence that OP is a violent or abusive cheat. There is evidence that OP's partner is a cheat and he cheated on her when having a night out in the same venue where he was drinking last night.

He could have been kind and have responded to her first text to put her mind at ease but he didn't.

I don't think that OP should put up with a cruel and unfaithful man.

I voted unreasonable as I think you are unreadable to stay in this relationship. You don’t trust him for good reasons so move on.

OP is coming across fine, You, on the other hand, are not. You have completely ignored the fact that OP's partner has previously cheated on her which makes her more insecure.

You are one of those 'can dish it out but can't take it' posters who gets really pissed off if the OP isn't grovellingly grateful for your advice.

Cucy is correct.

Your anxiety is your issue whether you’re with this partner or anyone else.

You wanting your partner to reply to non-emergency messages when he is out with friends is effectively you butting in to his group of friends and trying to make that specific moment about you.

It interrupts his evening out, his flow conversation with friends and the momentum of the evening he is part of. That makes you irritating or even annoying as f**k.

And as Cucy says, him replying to your message does not preclude him from cheating.

You wanting him to show you, in that moment, that you are his priority, is sheer ego out of desperation and is selfish behaviour on your part.

Ask yourself, how do you want to live your life?

Are you content with your mental and emotional landscape being dependent on how other people behave?

You know that you’re being intrusive to your partner and that he is losing respect for you over this behaviour - you sound like you may have lost some self-respect over it as well.

Time to make your life calm and peaceful because you want a calm and peaceful life.

For that you need to learn to not cling, to disassociate, effectively to NGAF.

You’ll feel much better for it, and respect yourself more.

Watch how others will follow your lead and respect you too.

My DH was out all day y’day and text to ask how our day was going, then later sent me a picture of him with his friends as they were in a pub he knows I like. That’s healthy during a day out and it was his choice. He knows he could have put your mind at ease after the first message but he chose not to!