AIBU? Partner out drinking and ignoring my messages and calls, I've had enough

[Acb1]

Just as above really. Partner went out with friends to a local bar this evening, i've text him three times and called him twice and absolutely no response. He's read all my messages and so assuming he's seen that ive tried to call him and he's still chosen to not contact. Nothing.

Just for context: We've been together for years, he's cheated on me before with a girl from this same bar, amongst other 'indiscretions' and used to reguarly go out and disappear until the morning, having no clue where he was or who he was with (he would claim to be at a friends house, who knows if that was true). I stupidly had a child with him and this is the first time he's done the disappearing act in a few years, he generally doesn't go out much now.

AIBU for feeling like I just want out of this relationship? He knows how I feel about him doing this and promised me he wouldn't be too late/do this again. The few times a year he goes out he doesn't behave like this, so am I being unreasonable?

I just realky want to know if i'm being unreasonable to expect even a quick message back

On that issue alone, then yes, I'd say YABU.

But I still stand by my first reply that YANBU to get out of the relationship because he cheated on you and he makes you feel so worried. That is no way to live.

You're right, I don't. I get anxiety when he goes out - particuarly to that bar, I think it just brings up alot of unpleasant memories and feelings and I reach out for reassurance from him.

Tonight esp has brought back alot of painful memories and I absolutely just want a peaceful, stress-free life.

Youre right, its not. Tbh, im not sure if I would be any different in any other relationship now and it makes me sad that another relationship probably wouldnt be an option for me, maybe that's why ive clung on for so long. Tonight I just feel so tired of it all.

No, the general vibe is not that you are being unreasonable to expect him to call. The general vibe is that you are unreasonable to be in this relationship at all after his earlier disrespectful behaviour. Most people would have left after being cheated on. But it's not too late to find some self-respect and ditch him!

Considering his background of cheating on you previously with a girl from that bar, and hes not replied to your texts all day and night, I think he’s cruelly getting off on ignoring you. He feels in a position of power right now. This is quite common in a certain calibre of men.

What time does he usually stay out until when drinking?

I'm not sure thats totally true and i'm not on here looking for judgement about my past decisions, I just needed advice on my current situation. I'm more than aware I shouldve left, sometimes life isnt as clear cut.

Life is definitely not clear-cut, but this relationship may be. I realise it's not as easy as it sounds to leave someone and start a whole new life. But it does sound as though you would be happier in the long term if you could find a way to do that.

What did you message him saying?

Yes I think this is hugely relevant. What do the 5 texts say?

Nowadays, the latest is usually 12/1am. Im not sure he 'enjoys' watching me suffee, i think im just an after thought/doesnt care. Both are just as bad i suppose

Well why did you need to phone what is the emergency?

Yes, it is just as bad. He needs to be more empathetic considering he’s cheated on you previously at this same bar.

Wonder how he’d react if you were the one who’d cheated on him and ignoring his texts all day..

I had an ex like that. Stayed 10 years as we had a child after a few years. Know exactly how you feel. I had no desire to be in another relationship once that one ended but six weeks later met the love of my life. Been together 25 years. You never know what’s around the corner.

The first just asked how his night was going, the second asked if he was having fun and the third i asked if ge was ignoring me. There was an hour between texts and around an hour after the last nessage i rang him and again 30 minutes later. Just writing this out I realise I am coming across as clingy/harrasing him but I just feel that I wouldnt do this to him and given our history, it does feel abit cruel.

Reading and ignoring a text which specifically asks if he’s ignoring you, is really cruel. He knows your head is doing mental gymnastics and you asked for reassurance, he chose to leave you in limbo while you’re at home with your DC. I know you said you don’t think he’s enjoying this, but this is usually the behaviour of someone playing mind games.

Following on from my previous post, I fully believe you wouldn’t do this to him. It’s only ever men that do this, never women.

That is definitely not true. I’ve known many women cheaters who behave in this way, some in my friendship group.

OP you will never trust him. You will never be in peace with him. It’s not normal to be in that much contact, in normal relationships you shouldn’t need to interrupt each others nights at all.

women don’t cheat? Women don’t play mind games? Psssssh.

OP, in future (If you stay with him) don’t waste your time and energy expecting a reply. If you feel you must message him with information re your child then do so, but sending multiple messages and phone calls isn’t the one.

I’ve never known women to act like this, at least not in my social circle. I guess it’s the company I chose to keep. They’re all mature level headed women.

Going out on the lash, ignoring calls from the partner at home with the kids is a tale as old as time for the male population.

You’re confusing yourself here.

I understand the history muddies this a lot.

You say you don’t want opinions on your previous decisions.

So if you remove that and the history then I’d say ‘You are unreasonable. Leave him alone, he’s on a night out.’

If I was taking the previous history into account I’d answer differently, but you said you don’t want that.

He is contactable though. You know he’s seen your texts. I assume if it was an emergency you’d put that in the text.

I have not read the full thread yet but I just feel really annoyed that he has even gone back to that bar. If he cared enough, he would never frequent that place or wherever she may move on to work. He'd be too ashamed to darken its doors.

He seems to be relishing that you were trying to reach him, and this is a mind game I know from an ex-partner who was also a cheat. He wants you to be driven to anger, so that when he comes home, he can make you out to be the one who caused the argument.

By his non-response, he is deliberately pushing your buttons.

He's going to turn it all around on you, I see it coming.

I predict him turning it back on her too.

Has he still not contacted you/come home yet OP?

Why on earth are you wasting your life clinging onto a scumbag like this? Just find a decent man who you don’t feel the need to check up on. The trust has long gone, get him in the bin and move on.

This.

I’d not be messaging anyone if they were out drinking. What’s the point.

He is who he is. You’re not going to change that by trying to keep him on a short leash.
That just comes off as desperate.