AIBU to expect Christmas to be fair for all DC and not centred on SD?

[EllieGsMum]

DH was diagnosed with cancer this year and it has been an awful time. Our two DC have lived through the worst of it. They were the ones who saw the hospital runs, the stress and everything falling apart.

Yesterday we had a huge argument. DH wants to spend £700 on SD for Christmas. I said that if he is doing that then our two DC should also get something thoughtful and similar in value, even if I put it into savings for them. DH said SD deserves that amount and our DC do not. I found that incredibly hurtful.

DH also refuses to come to my parents for Christmas because SD might not like it. This means our DC either miss seeing my family again or they miss Christmas with their dad. We have been married 6 years and our DC have only had Christmas with my side once. We were meant to alternate every year, but it never happens because everything always has to revolve around SD and BM’s plans.

Every time SD is meant to visit, BM or SD change plans last minute. Things get cancelled or rearranged and we have to adjust everything to accommodate. It causes tension every single time.

During the row DH also said “I don’t like you”.

I feel sick today. DD has been drawing pictures of us all together, and sometimes just me and DH. I think she senses something is wrong and it is breaking me.

After the year the DC have had with DH’s cancer, I just wanted a peaceful Christmas for them. I wanted something normal for once.

AIBU to think Christmas should be fair for all DC and not centred on SD every year?

I think therapy is needed or am I avoiding the inevitable?

Jeez your DH is unreasonable - I would take your kids to your parents and have a jolly fun filled day. Not fair to you or your parents not to get to spend the day together because of his guilt… especially if he is saying he don’t like you!!! Rude prick

Maybe when things are less emotionally charged tell him everything you wrote here- that your kids have seen a lot this year and you are tired of them playing second class to SD

Cancer or not, he sounds deeply unpleasant OP. Has he always been like this, or is it a post-cancer development? I think it makes a difference.

Yes, it should be fair but fairness isn’t always treating everyone the same.

If your DH was discussing this situation, what would be his side of things? Why would he think his DD needed more than the DC he has with you? What’s going on in her life that means he feels she needs more to make things fair?

Totally separate but just because he has cancer doesn’t mean you need to stay with him if he is unkind towards you.

How old is SD? To be fair, if your DC are much younger then I think it's normal to spend more on a teen than a toddler. How much does he think should be spent on your DC?

Why is he so focused on his first child to the detriment of the others? Is it guilt? Why can't he treat them equally? It's bizarre.

I'm sorry but saying 'he doesn't like you' is really getting serious in a marriage. Counselling may or may not help but if he would agree to go it's worth a try. I just wouldn't count on it.

I don't think the £700 being so much is the issue so much as him saying your children 'don't deserve' the same. Did he say what he meant by that and why is SD more deserving of a genreous present, because it doesn't sound like he values them the same, How old are the children? Is there a massive age gap and SD's gift would naturally cost more?

Of course you all deserve a nice Christmas after such a shitty year. If he won't agree to go to your parents why can't you all have one at home (see parents Boxing day/new years). Then after the New Year you may have some difficult discussions and decisions to make.

What are the ages? What does he want to do at Christmas? What is his usual contact arrangement with SD? Why does he want to spend that much? If it's for a laptop and she's starting secondary, for example, that might make sense. Otherwise, what is his thinking?

What is the age difference between the DC, an older DC could easily love a 700 quid present, the under 5's are less expensive.
Sounds like he is riddled with guilt for nor raising DC1.
DC1 will always be an outsider in this family.
All siblings aren't treated equally when it comes down to it.
Two live with Dad FT.

I think yanbu, however I dont think this is the year to make a fuss about it. I was also diagnosed with cancer this year, so our families are all organising Christmas around what works best for me. The usual bickering and fighting will resume next year.

It seems like December 25th is the least of the problems. This man told you he doesn't like you, and his kids with you don't deserve what his other kid gets.

Believe him, decide how you want to proceed.

Forgot to say, £700 on a child at Christmas is ridiculous, regardless of circumstances.

Is it something specific he wants to get his child that costs £700. I think being fair isn’t always doing everything the same. As others have said older kids do generally get more spent on them.

when you say ‘I just wanted a peaceful Christmas for them’ but this doesn’t ring true as you want it at your parents specifically. I think when there’s step kids involved the going to extended family doesn’t work I think it’s fair to have Christmas at yours. I can see why he doesn’t want to take his child to your parents

Asking for the same value amount is ridiculous, he cannot give the same value to DC1 in terms of time.
Maybe this year don't get angry about it.
You should never have married a man with a DC without realising things cannot be equal.
Will DC attend every outing? Doubt it.
You don't like the child, that is probably why he said, he doesn't like you.
I wouldn't like someone who disliked my DC.

Can you parents come to your house? Or what is dh proposing for Christmas?

Whats the significance of £700, is there something she wants? And when you said what about other dc’s what did he say?

DH also refuses to come to my parents for Christmas because SD might not like it. This means our DC either miss seeing my family again or they miss Christmas with their dad.

For complaining about this, you are very unreasonable.

Your step daughter spending Christmas somewhere she feels comfortable is significantly more important that your children being at their grandparents for the day. Invite the grandparents to you if you want to see them and if that doesn’t work for whatever reason, find an alternative that doesn’t leave a little girl who is already in a difficult position feeling like an outsider on Christmas Day. I can’t think of anything worse than being dragged to your step mothers family Christmas when you’re supposed to be spending quality time with your father and siblings.

It’s your choice if you want to prioritise your childhood family over the one you created and leave your children not seeing their Dad.

Maybe your DH wants to spend so much on his first dd to make up for the fact that she clearly isn’t considered as highly as your own children when you are making plans.

That's such a weird thing to say. Why does he think she deserves more than them?

It sounds like they're very little, so it would be fairly normal to spend more on her if she's a teenager. However, £700 is a lot.

Things do sound very tense, but it's obviously been a difficult year for you all and Christmas can be very fraught.

You and your children do deserve a peaceful Christmas so I'd leave him to it and go to your parent's. Your husband's cancer diagnosis is not the issue here.

Do you parents treat SD the same as your DC? Does she get an equal amount of presents from them?

If they don't it's perfectly reasonable for him to refuse to spend christmas there.

Same with the 700. How old are your DC, how old is SD? You often have to sirens much more on older children to get the same wow factor as young children.

SD is 15, my DC are 5 and 2. I fully understand spending more on an older child, that is not the issue. It is the huge jump between £50 for our DC and £700 for SD. I only asked that our DC either have a bit more spent on them too or that some of that money goes into their savings. That alone was enough for DH to accuse me of “hating” SD, which just is not true.

My parents live 4.5 hours away and we barely ever see them, so Christmas would mean spending a few days around the holidays with them. In six years, my DC have only had one Christmas with my side of the family. It feels like my children always end up pushed aside whenever plans need adjusting for SD. Now even Christmas is becoming centred around SD’s feelings instead of trying to make things fair for everyone.

They have been to visit my parents maybe six times in total. I only passed my driving test this year, so we can finally start travelling more, but until now it has been really limited and my parents hardly ever get to see the kids.

What frustrates me is that apparently we “can’t afford” a second car for me and the DC, yet spending £700 on one gift for SD is absolutely fine, and he has already said there will be a few extra smaller gifts on top. I do not begrudge SD getting presents at all, but the priorities feel completely upside down. My two are always expected to accept having far less and being treated like an afterthought, and any time I ask for fairness he twists it into me “hating SD”, which is not true at all.

Why would you tolerate this?
Suggest he moves out.
Your poor children, short changed by him.
I just wish women would realise this before having a family with a man with children.

Men overwhelmingly put their older children first and barely register the second family IMO.

Go to your parents for Christmas.
You have tolerated this from him.
How convenient he keeps you stuck and carless.

Talk to your parents.
Take responsibility for your choices.

I would go to your parents and make plans in case you decide to split up.

But what, specifically, was his reason that SD deserves more?

I think it's perfectly reasonable to spend more on your SD than on your shared under-5 children. I don't think that this is really the issue though. Your H doesn't seem to like you very much and clearly doesn't make you feel cherished. His focus is on your SD and he prioritises her above you and above your shared children. In fact it sounds like he doesn't care about them at all. The second car issue - is your H controlling? Overall that's what I'm hearing, that he's selfish and controlling. I'd go to your parents for Christmas with the 2 younger children and be giving serious thought to separation.