AIBU to expect Christmas to be fair for all DC and not centred on SD?

[EllieGsMum]

DH was diagnosed with cancer this year and it has been an awful time. Our two DC have lived through the worst of it. They were the ones who saw the hospital runs, the stress and everything falling apart.

Yesterday we had a huge argument. DH wants to spend £700 on SD for Christmas. I said that if he is doing that then our two DC should also get something thoughtful and similar in value, even if I put it into savings for them. DH said SD deserves that amount and our DC do not. I found that incredibly hurtful.

DH also refuses to come to my parents for Christmas because SD might not like it. This means our DC either miss seeing my family again or they miss Christmas with their dad. We have been married 6 years and our DC have only had Christmas with my side once. We were meant to alternate every year, but it never happens because everything always has to revolve around SD and BM’s plans.

Every time SD is meant to visit, BM or SD change plans last minute. Things get cancelled or rearranged and we have to adjust everything to accommodate. It causes tension every single time.

During the row DH also said “I don’t like you”.

I feel sick today. DD has been drawing pictures of us all together, and sometimes just me and DH. I think she senses something is wrong and it is breaking me.

After the year the DC have had with DH’s cancer, I just wanted a peaceful Christmas for them. I wanted something normal for once.

AIBU to think Christmas should be fair for all DC and not centred on SD every year?

I think therapy is needed or am I avoiding the inevitable?

She has had a bad year, 4.5 hours away from her sick father, she is 15, in no way should the gifts be equal amounts, it wouldn't happen here, all bio children.

Using bad language towards the younger children is disgusting, that's probably why he was divorced, Disney weekend dad.

This resentment is very strong. I cannot see a compromise. Hopefully he won't start a 3rd family and your two will be the DSC.

When you marry a man who already has a child, Christmas is going to be constrained, and it's unfortunate in your case that your parents live so far away, but of course he'll want to see his DD at Chrustmas. In wanting him to spendva few days over Christmas with your family you're being unreasonable.

About the present, I think it depends what it is - a laptop for school? Equipment for a hobby, eg new bike? If it is something which is practical like this, then I think it's reasonable. If it's a new phone or jewler then it's not fair.

He's totally out of order in telling his DD that she's his favourite in from of your joint kids, that is awful. Sounds like he's trying to curry favour with her, but putting down the younget kids.

It's been a really tough year for all of you, so maybe think about some counselling rather than splitting right away.

Cancer or not I would be going to your parents and giving him and SD a wide berth and really thinking about whether you wish to continue with him. Him saying he did not like you would be a game changer for me.

He tells your two year old baby to shut up when he cries? He tells you he doesn't like you? Fml, this guy is monster. Sack his sorry arse out the door and away from your tiny kids.

How is she treating his child with contempt?

He sounds like he is treating two of his own children with contempt; where is your criticism of him?

For me, it’s not about the money, or even your parents hosting for Christmas. It’s about his comments to his DC with you @EllieGsMum and what he feels about you, his wife.

For the sake of your children, who will be exposed to trauma through their dad’s comments to them, please consider leaving. You could try therapy, however if you reflect back and feel he’s probably always had this side to him, then therapy probably won’t change that.

I’m so sorry.

It doesn't say the teenager lives 4.5 hours away anywhere, or did I miss it?

The man is an absolute monster. OPs kids will need specific therapy because of him.

why can’t your parents come to you for Christmas?

You need to get more Christmases in with your side of the family. We had a ton of Christmases with DH's family because they all suffered a terrible loss and because his other sibling was living the other side of the world. I missed out on far too many Christmases with my family especially when the DC were small. My dad is not around anymore and I feel like just because one family had a greater need, it shouldn't push the other family into second place all the time. There is not always the chance to make it up. Probably projecting a lot here! x

There's a big difference between £700 present say for a computer and buying a car.

Do you work?

You need to read all the OP's posts

It's not just about the present

It really sounds like you need to get yourself and your kids away from him to protect them. What an awful man. Most definitely go to your family for Christmas. And start to look forward to it. And then I would get out of there permanently. Don't look back in 10 years when you and your kids are broken thinking I should have left when I knew better at the time.

Congratulations on passing your driving test! Get yourself a car sorted and start your new independent life with your children in a house of love like you all deserve.

@EllieGsMum

What happened in his first marriage? Is this guilt?

Do the two of you have a big age gap?

I agree. Some people seem to say the most awful things during arguments and get over it. I could not.

He’s clearly told you he doesn’t like you Has he even apologised?

How old is dss? Your twins may be too young to need the same amount spending on them,

Sorry for what you’re going through.

Just dump him.

Stepdaughter is 15 and OP doesn't have twins. If you click See All on the original post it makes all the OPs posts appear.

Why do his children with you not deserve just as much? He doesn’t sound very nice at all.

I had a friend whose husband always favoured his daughter from his previous relationship. I remember one Christmas he insisted the she got a brand new iPad, whilst his two children with his wife (my friend) only got a maximum budget of £50 each.

My two are always expected to accept having far less and being treated like an afterthought, and any time I ask for fairness he twists it into me “hating SD”, which is not true at all.
It's mote likely that he doesn't expect you to do motherly things for DD, while he's confident that you'll look after the little ones, therefore more thought goes into DD, if you were separated, he'd have to think about 3 in this way.
I think you're doing his head in, comparing everything.

I've got teens and a 4 year old. The teens do get more and there is no way I'd waste £700 on a young child just to match the teen. The younger one will get it when they reach that age.
You also cannot compare what your 2 and 5 year old have been through with your DHs cancer diagnosis to what a 15 yo has been through with it. Unless you have been wildly inappropriate and shared with your young DC that their dad has an awful disease that might kill him, it really doesn't compare. A good parent would have completely shielded the younger ones from it.
I can see where your DH is coming from and I think if the 15yo was your biological child you would also agree with him. Your DH is father to all 3, he has an unbiased approach to this. You on the other hand will be bias towards your biological children.

Thank you for your reply. I just want to clarify a few things.

The plan was never for DH to miss Christmas with his DD or for her to be pushed into anything uncomfortable. The plan was that we would all go together and stay in an Airbnb nearby so we would have our own space. If things felt too much for her she could retreat with DH whenever she wanted. There was never any expectation for her to spend long periods at my parents house if she did not want to. And for what it is worth she would be treated like a special guest. We are Nigerian and Christian and a very warm and welcoming family. No one would make her feel out of place.

As for the present it is for a new phone. It is not a practical item like a laptop for school. I genuinely do not begrudge SD having nice things but there were more sensible options and the price jump is huge. Seven hundred pounds on one phone for SD while our DC get about fifty pounds each and DH refusing to top up their savings or consider spending a little more on them feels very unbalanced.

I agree completely that the bigger issue is him saying things like you are my favourite in front of the children and being cold to our DC when SD is around. That has been happening for a long time and it is becoming clearer how much it affects them especially the little ones.

It has been a tough year and I am open to counselling to try to address this properly before making major decisions. But I also cannot ignore how much it hurts our DC to be treated differently.

Just a thought, but my controlling exh also claimed that we 'couldn't afford' a car for me, until I finally kicked up a huge fuss. It was all about control, forcing me to rely on him for a lot of things, coupled with the fact that he would happily spend on himself if he wanted something but was very tight with the purse strings for everything else. I was by far the lesser earner, and it was always about 'his money' or 'our money' but funnily enough never mine. Is he controlling in other ways?
Edited to add, mine seems to vastly favour eldest dd too

Sounds like you've served your purpose as support human for raising his first child and are now surplus to requirements.
I hope you are able to leave and have a good life with your children

A 5 and a 2 yo have no concept of value or cost, I’d assume it’s a phone or similar for sd? Agree that you have bigger problems but I know this is an unpopular opinion but he did have cancer so this could be a mortality thing. That doesn’t excuse his comments

It sounds like he didn't want to have more children. I would divorce him, but I wouldn't anticipate him being a very involved father.