AIBU to expect Christmas to be fair for all DC and not centred on SD?

[EllieGsMum]

DH was diagnosed with cancer this year and it has been an awful time. Our two DC have lived through the worst of it. They were the ones who saw the hospital runs, the stress and everything falling apart.

Yesterday we had a huge argument. DH wants to spend £700 on SD for Christmas. I said that if he is doing that then our two DC should also get something thoughtful and similar in value, even if I put it into savings for them. DH said SD deserves that amount and our DC do not. I found that incredibly hurtful.

DH also refuses to come to my parents for Christmas because SD might not like it. This means our DC either miss seeing my family again or they miss Christmas with their dad. We have been married 6 years and our DC have only had Christmas with my side once. We were meant to alternate every year, but it never happens because everything always has to revolve around SD and BM’s plans.

Every time SD is meant to visit, BM or SD change plans last minute. Things get cancelled or rearranged and we have to adjust everything to accommodate. It causes tension every single time.

During the row DH also said “I don’t like you”.

I feel sick today. DD has been drawing pictures of us all together, and sometimes just me and DH. I think she senses something is wrong and it is breaking me.

After the year the DC have had with DH’s cancer, I just wanted a peaceful Christmas for them. I wanted something normal for once.

AIBU to think Christmas should be fair for all DC and not centred on SD every year?

I think therapy is needed or am I avoiding the inevitable?

He tells your kids to their face that they annoy him and he tells your SD that she is his favourite in front of your kids? If that's the case, he is a spiteful twat and you should leave him.

This isn't a healthy relationship for you or your children. Spend Christmas with you parents and make plans to separate.

Do you work OP? Do you have financial independence?

I don’t get any of the implied unpleasantness others are suggesting from the OP’s posts at all.

It sounds like turns are meant to have been taken for Christmas but thanks to the SD and her mother changing plans this hasn’t happened.

OP, I would take your DC to your parents for Christmas and your DH and SD can spend Christmas how they would like to. And maybe use that time to take stock.

Woah, it’s not often I reach for LTB but there’s no way I’d stick around and let my children listen to their dad calling any one of his kids his favourite. That’s horrendous.

I think it's fine, given the circumstances. (Kids, not cancer).
You know, the lot you both presumably chose.

It sounds like he's lost respect for you and almost sees your kids as an extension of you. Hence the blatant favouritism and "you annoy me" comments. He's emotionally checked out already so you'd do well to start getting yourself in a position to leave him. Time to get the practicalities done but not dragged out so the kids are exposed to more of his crap.

He is treating his two youngest children with contempt. OP isn't treating her SD with contempt, she is just trying to ensure that her husband treats their two younger children fairly as he obviously massively favours his eldest daughter.

But please remember that your children have their dad living with them ft.
SD doesn't so she is already disadvantaged. 15 is a difficult age at the best of times

did you read the update? He refers to his SC as his favourite, in front of his other kids!

A 15 year old will be much more impacted by their father’s ill health than a 2 and 5 year old.

What is the plan for your step daughter when you all go to your parents’ house? Is she invited? Does she get equal presents and money spent on her? Is it fair to her? If not, I’m beginning to see what your DH’s issue is.

I wonder if he doesn’t like you because of your feelings and treatment towards his eldest child.

Thank you, and I am really sorry you had to go through that with your own family. It is heartbreaking when children start to notice the difference, and you are right, it impacts them deeply.

Funny you mentioned favouring just one child. I am already seeing that pattern starting here. I am having to love our DS for the both of us at the moment because he is only two and bless his little heart, he gets no warmth at all from his dad. Just constant “shut up” whenever he cries. It is horrible to witness.

Seriously @EllieGsMum you need to leave this man for your children’s sake

Op - I think you know what you need to do.
The icing on the cake for me would be the contempt for his children with you. They may not recognise favouritism now but as they get older they will and may well be damaged due to this. Leave whilst they are young enough.

I’m not sure why anyone is giving the OP a hard time!

DH sounds like a controlling excuse of a man who needs getting rid of. Do not put up with his shit any longer, OP!

But can’t you see that you treating them like that might be aggravating the situation because it doesn’t sound like your love is fairly shared with your step daughter. I can see why your DH feels the need to make things better for her.

Your DH being a knob is another issue.

You misunderstand - I don’t see the unpleasantness others are accusing the OP of. I think he DH sounds pretty awful.

I would go to your parents.

Start building a life without your DH in it.

He’s made it clear what his future plans are.

This man is deliberately traumatising your kids.

This man is abusing you and TWO TINY CHILDREN, do you work? If not I would go to your parents' and dont come back..

Oh sorry - I got the wrong end of the stick!

But maybe SD has a step dad and also has a home with two parents? So not sure what the comparison is there.

I would not want to stay with someone who is so unpleasant to the children. I initially thought that these were your children with an ex, but the fact they are is own and he blatantly favours his eldest is just wrong. Fair enough people saying the eldest has more expensive tastes, but his reasoning about her having a tough year and so on is no different than his other children. Surely him having cancer will have affected the family home too so while the younger ones may not fully understand, there must have been some conversation at home about daddy being poorly/not being able to do things.
I think you need to take legal advice regarding the future.

The not going to your DP is a consequence of getting with someone with a child
Re the presents can you not just buy your DC more stuff if that’s what you want to do ?

that doesn’t sound like a very good deal for the little ones to me - he sounds horrible and it sounds as though he’s always been like that

No worries! I think that some people are reading a completely different thread! Any man who tells his 2 year old son to shut up when he cried is a grade A shit, cancer or no cancer, step daughter or no step daughter.

Literally. What a vile "man".
Cancer or not cancer I'd be kicking this loser out.
He is honestly disgraceful.