AIBU to expect Christmas to be fair for all DC and not centred on SD?

[EllieGsMum]

DH was diagnosed with cancer this year and it has been an awful time. Our two DC have lived through the worst of it. They were the ones who saw the hospital runs, the stress and everything falling apart.

Yesterday we had a huge argument. DH wants to spend £700 on SD for Christmas. I said that if he is doing that then our two DC should also get something thoughtful and similar in value, even if I put it into savings for them. DH said SD deserves that amount and our DC do not. I found that incredibly hurtful.

DH also refuses to come to my parents for Christmas because SD might not like it. This means our DC either miss seeing my family again or they miss Christmas with their dad. We have been married 6 years and our DC have only had Christmas with my side once. We were meant to alternate every year, but it never happens because everything always has to revolve around SD and BM’s plans.

Every time SD is meant to visit, BM or SD change plans last minute. Things get cancelled or rearranged and we have to adjust everything to accommodate. It causes tension every single time.

During the row DH also said “I don’t like you”.

I feel sick today. DD has been drawing pictures of us all together, and sometimes just me and DH. I think she senses something is wrong and it is breaking me.

After the year the DC have had with DH’s cancer, I just wanted a peaceful Christmas for them. I wanted something normal for once.

AIBU to think Christmas should be fair for all DC and not centred on SD every year?

I think therapy is needed or am I avoiding the inevitable?

He abuses you verbally, is controlling, emotionally abuses your children.
All the while you stand by talking about how you love him and he has demons.

Your poor children. Your poor son.
So awful.
You need to make better choices.
Put your children ahead of this awful man.
Of course your children know and can sense his distain for them.
Of course it is damaging them.
The car is just another abusive stick to control you with.

It horrid being in a situation where your children are treated as lesser - especially bay their own father.

You see on here grandparents doing the same and it’s horrible.

Imagine living it! What does that do to your children’s self esteem and self worth?

They will notice and at some point start to question why this is happening.

I wonder if you were a port in a storm?

Your step DDs mum is her mum or mother, not her “birth mother “. That’s insulting, since she isn’t your adopted child.

Honestly, I think you should just take your children to your family for Christmas. They shouldn't have to miss out on something that was one of the happiest parts of your own childhood.

I suspect that the reason your husband gives SD special treatment is because he doesn't have to keep it up. Perhaps it is good for his ego to feel like the fun dad when she's there, or be flash with gifts. But he knows that's not who he really is so he doesn't bother most of the time.

If he keeps putting SD above your children, I think you will have to do the same and put your children first. Make decisions that feel like the right ones for them, not for him. Their father does not have any intention of treating his children as equals. That is no good for any of them in the end.

I haven’t read every single post but please take your time to make any decisions. Can you have couples therapy? I am sorry you are going through this. Thinking of you.

That's what you get from this?

I wish I had something to say that was helpful, but you sound so lovely @EllieGsMum

Really hoping you are able to leave this vile man for your babies. They are little and will adapt and hopefully before any long term harm of his horrible words.

You sound strong and I know you will protect them (and you)… you all deserve so much more than bullying favouritism and abuse. X

10hrs of Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing in Rainbows. Would be hell if you placed your speakers against the walls on their side and started blasting this at 5am before you went out for the day…

Sorry! Wrong thread!!!!

Hahaha

Agree, OP comes across very considerate and her partner anything but.

Couples counselling may be a good idea but its him that needs to change.

The partner comes across very badly in terms of how he treats the youngest child but I wouldn’t say the op is coming across amazing either as there is no reflection at all on why a trip 4.5 hours away may not be that desirable over Christmas for the sd.

the op has failed to answer many questions such as does she work/ is she contributing to the pot of money for these presents or a second car or just expecting the dh to buy for her.

Well the op does seem to be ignoring any questions around how the sd’s mother fits into the proposed Christmas plans and what it means for her spending time with her daughter over Christmas so I don’t think it’s particularly unfair to call the op up on.

Are we just making things up now?

I don't know what happened to you but you are obviously deflecting. Your other comment was unwarranted as well.

We run a business together and earn together. There isn’t a “his pot” and “my pot”. We both create the money that supports this family, so the idea that I’m expecting him to fund things on his own is simply untrue. For context, this year the pot is about 70 percent me and 30 percent him, so sacrifices are already being made by me. I’ve also gone without being paid at times when things were quiet, so that everything for ALL our the kids could still be covered.

I’ve already mentioned in other replies that Christmas has always alternated between her mum’s side and ours. The only reason we’re even in this situation now is because plans were changed last minute. If that hadn’t happened, she would have been with us over New Year instead and none of this clash would exist.

And she wouldn’t have been “stuck” 4.5 hours away. When she’s here we are hardly ever just at home anyway. We practically tour around DH’s side of the family so she sees everyone. If we went to that part of the country she would also get to see DH’s uncles and aunties, not just my parents. It wasn’t some plan to isolate her or take her away from her mum over Christmas. She spends 90 percent of the year with her mum and has a good relationship there. This was just the year it fell on our turn, that’s all.

Nobody is “buying me a car”. The car would come out of the same pot that pays for everything else because we run our business and household together. It’s no different from any other family expense.

You keep acting as if I am ignoring things, but I’ve already answered questions about our work, our finances, the alternating Christmases and the fact that she would not be forced to do anything she was uncomfortable with. But I’m one person replying through a very painful situation and hundreds of comments. I can’t respond to every single message immediately. I’m human and a lot of what has been said hits my deepest fears, so a little compassion would go a long way!

This isn’t about trying to drag a teenager away from her mum or force her into uncomfortable situations. It’s about trying to make plans that respect all the children involved, including my own. My children are mixed heritage and spending time with my side of the family, especially at Christmas, is part of their identity. I would love them to experience that. Growing up, those memories were the best part of my childhood.

And I get when people say I may end up regretting not letting my kids spend Christmas with their grandparents one day, that really hit me. We’ve already lost one grandparent. If something happened to my mum or dad and my children never got to have a proper Christmas with them, I would really struggle with that. It isn’t about taking anything away from anyone. It’s about giving my kids memories while they still can.

This whole situation is not about money, distance or logistics the way some people think. It is about a pattern I am finally recognising after years of trying to make everything work. That is why I posted. Not because I can’t handle blended-family dynamics, but because the emotional side of things has become impossible to ignore.

I came here because I needed clarity. A lot of the comments confirmed the things I’ve been afraid to admit to myself. I have two little kids and I am trying to protect them while holding everything else together. I’m doing my best.

Given everything on this thread and all your updates, I’d definitely take your children to your parents for Christmas this year. Make it clear to your SD that she’s welcome to join you, but if her father doesn’t want to take her then that’s up to him.

Do you actually have fair access to the money though? You have asked him to spend the same on your DC and you asked him to buy a car and he said no to both. He sounds financially controlling if you have to ask his permission.

Yes, I do have access to the money. It isn’t a case of me needing permission to spend.

For me it has always been about making decisions together as a family. I’ve respected his opinions on big financial choices and never even considered there might be an ulterior motive behind them. That’s why the contrast has hit me now. When it comes to things for me or our DC it suddenly becomes “we can’t afford it”, but when it’s for his eldest there’s no hesitation.

I can tell this thread has been quite a revelation for you OP. I think maybe it’s been a boiling frog situation where you have doubted yourself and assumed that you were the one who had to keep giving, keep swallowing down your feelings.

I agree with PP. Tell him you are spending Christmas with your family. From what you have posted, he won’t really be bothered that you and his younger DC won’t be around, sorry. 💐

So I would start spending the shared money as you see fit. Yes hire a car to go to your parents or to leave for him, but otherwise I would be stating I can drive now I need a car as this will help us all and start looking for one (doing school runs, visiting your family and he doesn't have to come, whatever it might be). If he says he is spending X amount on his child, oh great, I will do the same for our children. Stop asking his permission for things, as I agree he sees you as meek and he is currently controlling you. The fact he says his DC had a bad year because he has cancer is ignoring the fact that you will also have had a bad year too because of this. As will the younger children. I don't know why people seem to think they won't have been affected as surely their routines will have been disrupted too, you will have been attending hospital appointments with him, after treatment you will have been needing to monitor him and care for him. The children that are with you all the time will surely have had to tiptoe around him at times, so making out his DC is the only one that's been affected isn't true.

It shouldn't be about spending the same amount of money, it should be about getting a thoughtful gift. There must be more to this overall situation.

Honestly OP, you sound amazing and your not so dear DH sounds pretty awful. You treat your SD better than your husband treats his own small son who seems to be the 'scapegoat' child, even though he is so young.

Why is what is in the pot 70% you and only 30% him? It sounds like you are doing much more of the work for your business as well as pretty much sole care of your two children.

It may be difficult to disentagle your marriage and finances due to your joint ownership and running of the business, but I think you would be happier without him. Can you speak to a solicitor to find out your rights and entitlements if you were to divorce?

Your son needs to be protected from his father's unreasonable dislike and I think that the only way to do this is to separate.

I would recommend that you take your two children and spend Christmas with your parents without him.

I'm also concerned that there may be some racism driving his poor treatment of his mixed race son.

Wow, what a lot to unpick here. For the first half of the thread I intended to respond that yes, I think your husband is right, it does come across that you dislike your stepdaughter, or at least resent her role in your husband's life and appear to show no awareness of how much more fortunate your children are to have their dad permanently around, and a £700 phone is small compensation for that.

HOWEVER.

Now you have suddenly revealed that your husband verbally and emotionally abuses his younger children, telling them to their face that he dislikes them and prefers their sister, that of course changes things completely. And I can't understand why on earth you were worrying about a phone and where to spend Xmas while your children are being abused like this.

OBVIOUSLY, if this is true, you leave him immediately and do all in your power to minimise this abusive man's access to them. Who stays to let her children be verbally abused?. And stop worrying about a bloody phone!

A car for you is a priority ahead of any gifting to any children.
Asap.

That’s why I would never take on any one else’s child or be with someone who has kids. Yanbu but there is nothing you can do