Page 2 | AIBU to expect Christmas to be fair for all DC and not centred on SD?

EllieGsMum · 2025-11-15T16:05:31+00:00

DH was diagnosed with cancer this year and it has been an awful time. Our two DC have lived through the worst of it. They were the ones who saw the hospital runs, the stress and everything falling apart. Yesterday we had a huge argument. DH wants to spend £700 on SD for Christmas. I said that if he is doing that then our two DC should also get something thoughtful and similar in value, even if I put it into savings for them. DH said SD deserves that amount and our DC do not. I found that incredibly hurtful. DH also refuses to come to my parents for Christmas because SD might not like it. This means our DC either miss seeing my family again or they miss Christmas with their dad. We have been married 6 years and our DC have only had Christmas with my side once. We were meant to alternate every year, but it never happens because everything always has to revolve around SD and BM’s plans. Every time SD is meant to visit, BM or SD change plans last minute. Things get cancelled or rearranged and we have to adjust everything to accommodate. It causes tension every single time. During the row DH also said “I don’t like you”. I feel sick today. DD has been drawing pictures of us all together, and sometimes just me and DH. I think she senses something is wrong and it is breaking me. After the year the DC have had with DH’s cancer, I just wanted a peaceful Christmas for them. I wanted something normal for once. AIBU to think Christmas should be fair for all DC and not centred on SD every year? I think therapy is needed or am I avoiding the inevitable?

AllosaurusMum · 15/11/2025 16:35

Does going to your parents house mean he can see SD over christmas?

He's perfectly right to prioritize his child over your parents.

SpinningaCompass · 15/11/2025 16:36

EllieGsMum · 15/11/2025 16:29

SD is 15, my DC are 5 and 2. I fully understand spending more on an older child, that is not the issue. It is the huge jump between £50 for our DC and £700 for SD. I only asked that our DC either have a bit more spent on them too or that some of that money goes into their savings. That alone was enough for DH to accuse me of “hating” SD, which just is not true.

My parents live 4.5 hours away and we barely ever see them, so Christmas would mean spending a few days around the holidays with them. In six years, my DC have only had one Christmas with my side of the family. It feels like my children always end up pushed aside whenever plans need adjusting for SD. Now even Christmas is becoming centred around SD’s feelings instead of trying to make things fair for everyone.

They have been to visit my parents maybe six times in total. I only passed my driving test this year, so we can finally start travelling more, but until now it has been really limited and my parents hardly ever get to see the kids.

What frustrates me is that apparently we “can’t afford” a second car for me and the DC, yet spending £700 on one gift for SD is absolutely fine, and he has already said there will be a few extra smaller gifts on top. I do not begrudge SD getting presents at all, but the priorities feel completely upside down. My two are always expected to accept having far less and being treated like an afterthought, and any time I ask for fairness he twists it into me “hating SD”, which is not true at all.

He doesn't like you.
He meant what he said.
He doesn't like you.

Hence the extravagant gifts for SD while you go car-less.
Hence the extravagant gifts for SD while your children get a token in comparison.
Hence all plans will always be re-arranged to cater to the whims (controlling behaviour) of SD and BM while your extended family loses out again and again.

I'd get legal advice and make plans to leave.

supersonicginandtonic · 15/11/2025 16:40

The little ones are 2 and 5 they will not have been affected by their dads cancer anywhere near as much as a 15 year old.

Abracadabrador · 15/11/2025 16:42

SpinningaCompass · 15/11/2025 16:36

He doesn't like you.
He meant what he said.
He doesn't like you.

Hence the extravagant gifts for SD while you go car-less.
Hence the extravagant gifts for SD while your children get a token in comparison.
Hence all plans will always be re-arranged to cater to the whims (controlling behaviour) of SD and BM while your extended family loses out again and again.

I'd get legal advice and make plans to leave.

Show quote history

This. Believe him OP. Get your car, prioritise yourself and your kids, and your future.

Brefugee · 15/11/2025 16:42

OP, go to your Parents for Christmas with your DC. And next year, your DH can host the all his DC together however he likes while you celebrate with your parents or alone or whatever you want.

Because you know you don't need to stay with an arse like this, cancer or not.

Original poster

EllieGsMum · 15/11/2025 16:44

TheRolyPolyBard · 15/11/2025 16:31

But what, specifically, was his reason that SD deserves more?

Show quote history

He keeps saying things like “She has had a bad year because her dad got ill”, “She is a good kid” and “I can spend my money however I want”.

I know it is guilt. For me it is not really about the money any more. We have been dealing with versions of this for years. It is more about how differently he treats our DC and how he becomes cold towards them whenever SD is around. He says things like “you annoy me” and “you are my favourite”, in front of all of them. It is horrible to watch and it hurts my two so much.

It is the pattern I am realising. This is not just about Christmas or one argument. It has been years of him treating SD one way and our DC another, and every time I raised it he made me feel like I was overreacting. Now I am finally seeing how consistent it has been and it is hitting me all at once.

OP posts:

Celestialmoods · 15/11/2025 16:44

Having Christmas for a few days at your parents isn’t making it fair for everyone at all though, it’s making it be what you want at the expense of a teenager having a shit Christmas or not seeing one of her parents for days.

So what if your children don’t see their grandparents at Christmas? It will not have a negative effect on them.

If Christmas away from your own home was so important you to, you should have thought of that before creating a stepfamily.

SpinningaCompass · 15/11/2025 16:46

EllieGsMum · 15/11/2025 16:44

He keeps saying things like “She has had a bad year because her dad got ill”, “She is a good kid” and “I can spend my money however I want”.

I know it is guilt. For me it is not really about the money any more. We have been dealing with versions of this for years. It is more about how differently he treats our DC and how he becomes cold towards them whenever SD is around. He says things like “you annoy me” and “you are my favourite”, in front of all of them. It is horrible to watch and it hurts my two so much.

It is the pattern I am realising. This is not just about Christmas or one argument. It has been years of him treating SD one way and our DC another, and every time I raised it he made me feel like I was overreacting. Now I am finally seeing how consistent it has been and it is hitting me all at once.

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You stand there - you stay!! - while he is cold to your children to make his SD happy and call her his favourite?

Parent up and get your two out of there.

WhamBamThankU · 15/11/2025 16:51

Your two will not have been more affected than a 15 year old with regards to their dad’s cancer. Your kids also don’t need to see grandparents at Christmas, but SD needs to see her dad so I understand why he doesn’t want to go to your parents. All that aside it doesn’t sound like he likes you and I’d be leaving if I was you.

Electricsausages · 15/11/2025 16:52

I think you know how this is going to play out
get your stuff sorted and leave him to it
hes a git

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 15/11/2025 16:52

Christ - with that newest update - openly tell SD they are the favourite in front of his other kids is DISGUSTINGLY DISGRACEFUL

Cancer or not … new year new happily divorced you… get out of there to show your kids that this is not ok to play favourites.

AquaForce · 15/11/2025 16:53

EllieGsMum · 15/11/2025 16:29

SD is 15, my DC are 5 and 2. I fully understand spending more on an older child, that is not the issue. It is the huge jump between £50 for our DC and £700 for SD. I only asked that our DC either have a bit more spent on them too or that some of that money goes into their savings. That alone was enough for DH to accuse me of “hating” SD, which just is not true.

My parents live 4.5 hours away and we barely ever see them, so Christmas would mean spending a few days around the holidays with them. In six years, my DC have only had one Christmas with my side of the family. It feels like my children always end up pushed aside whenever plans need adjusting for SD. Now even Christmas is becoming centred around SD’s feelings instead of trying to make things fair for everyone.

They have been to visit my parents maybe six times in total. I only passed my driving test this year, so we can finally start travelling more, but until now it has been really limited and my parents hardly ever get to see the kids.

What frustrates me is that apparently we “can’t afford” a second car for me and the DC, yet spending £700 on one gift for SD is absolutely fine, and he has already said there will be a few extra smaller gifts on top. I do not begrudge SD getting presents at all, but the priorities feel completely upside down. My two are always expected to accept having far less and being treated like an afterthought, and any time I ask for fairness he twists it into me “hating SD”, which is not true at all.

I would take the children and spend Christmas with your family for as many days as you want to. He can do what he chooses.

Your children won't have their grandparents forever. Let them make memories. Don't allow your husband's attitude to rob them of the relationship they could have with them. ❤

Monmkeymamkymonky · 15/11/2025 16:54

EllieGsMum · 15/11/2025 16:44

He keeps saying things like “She has had a bad year because her dad got ill”, “She is a good kid” and “I can spend my money however I want”.

I know it is guilt. For me it is not really about the money any more. We have been dealing with versions of this for years. It is more about how differently he treats our DC and how he becomes cold towards them whenever SD is around. He says things like “you annoy me” and “you are my favourite”, in front of all of them. It is horrible to watch and it hurts my two so much.

It is the pattern I am realising. This is not just about Christmas or one argument. It has been years of him treating SD one way and our DC another, and every time I raised it he made me feel like I was overreacting. Now I am finally seeing how consistent it has been and it is hitting me all at once.

Show quote history

I recently NC with my sister and mum due to their favouritism around only one of my children. Once the kids spot it, it really really negatively impacts them and their trust in us.

I gave my family years or chances to stop playing favourites, they wouldn't so noq they cannot be part of our lives.

He sounds very unpleasant. Are you in a position to leave him? This dynamic will not change unfortunetly OP, best you'll get Is he'll start to favour just one of your dc

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/11/2025 16:55

He had no business having more children if he didn’t intend to treat them fairly. He sounds like a twat. A twat who’s had cancer is still a twat.

I would divorce him. I really would. He’s treating you with contempt and you and your children deserve so much better.

Jamesblonde2 · 15/11/2025 16:55

Just say we are going to my parents for Christmas, you are invited so see you there or not. Don’t be dangling on a string over SD and BM again.

And he should be treating his children equally, not giving preferential treatment to your SD. What an arse he is.

Nevereatcardboard · 15/11/2025 16:55

Cancer or not, he’s horrible to you and your DC. Tell him that you and your DC will spend Christmas at your parents (hire a car if necessary). Are you ready to consider leaving him?

Celestialmoods · 15/11/2025 16:58

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/11/2025 16:55

He had no business having more children if he didn’t intend to treat them fairly. He sounds like a twat. A twat who’s had cancer is still a twat.

I would divorce him. I really would. He’s treating you with contempt and you and your children deserve so much better.

She is treating his child with contempt, and she deserves much better than to be sidelined in her own family, so it’s no wonder he isn’t treating his wife brilliantly. I agree they should divorce.

Gassylady · 15/11/2025 17:00

Goodness he does sound very unpleasant problems clearly go much deeper than where to spend this Christmas. But regarding Christmas could your parents not travel to spend it with you this year - even if they need to stay nearby not in your house. I’m sure that you can still make Christmas feel very special for ages 5 and 2 without spending £700 pounds. Cooking, seeing lights, decorating the tree, leaving out reindeer food are still exciting at that age.

On a more practical level, do you work or are you financially dependent on him? Does he have life insurance, who are the beneficiaries? Does he have work death in service benefits, who are the nominated beneficiaries? I would be concerned that if unfortunately his cancer treatment is unsuccessful that you and your young kids might be in a very vulnerable position.

TFImBackIn · 15/11/2025 17:00

Do you really want to stay with this awful man? What kind of damage would he have to do to your children and you'd stay?

I'd definitely go to my parents' home without him - I wouldn't want him to come with us. I'd put the same amount of money into my other children's accounts, too.

If I were your parents I'd be heartbroken to rarely see you, and heartbroken too to think of you living with such a horrible man. I'd want you to move back home.

Original poster

EllieGsMum · 15/11/2025 17:00

Nevereatcardboard · 15/11/2025 16:55

Cancer or not, he’s horrible to you and your DC. Tell him that you and your DC will spend Christmas at your parents (hire a car if necessary). Are you ready to consider leaving him?

I have been in tears all day knowing, deep down, what I need to do for my own happiness and for my children’s happiness. And maybe they will finally get the dad they deserve when they don’t have to live with him every day. It feels like the only time they become important to him is when they’re not there. That realisation has absolutely broken me.

OP posts:

Praying4Peace · 15/11/2025 17:00

Celestialmoods · 15/11/2025 16:27

DH also refuses to come to my parents for Christmas because SD might not like it. This means our DC either miss seeing my family again or they miss Christmas with their dad.

For complaining about this, you are very unreasonable.

Your step daughter spending Christmas somewhere she feels comfortable is significantly more important that your children being at their grandparents for the day. Invite the grandparents to you if you want to see them and if that doesn’t work for whatever reason, find an alternative that doesn’t leave a little girl who is already in a difficult position feeling like an outsider on Christmas Day. I can’t think of anything worse than being dragged to your step mothers family Christmas when you’re supposed to be spending quality time with your father and siblings.

It’s your choice if you want to prioritise your childhood family over the one you created and leave your children not seeing their Dad.

Maybe your DH wants to spend so much on his first dd to make up for the fact that she clearly isn’t considered as highly as your own children when you are making plans.

This 100pc
Also OP, you wrote BMW. Is that an abbreviation for Baby Mother?
If it is, that is rude and dismissive.
Your sc's dad lives with his second family. It is essential that sc is made to feel special and included. You aren't giving off loving, inclusive vibes.
I really hope your husband's recovery will continue and you and your kids have been through an horrible time.

Hankunamatata · 15/11/2025 17:01

With the money yabu.

A 15 year old tends to have more expensive tech presents, under 5s dont. When they are same age they can have the same money.

Teen dsd will carry more trauma around her dads cancer diagnosis and treatment than her siblings who are so young

Im guessing he priorities dsd out of fear. I wonder if he worries that if he doesn't dance to ex tune that he wont get to see dsd - not fair on you but understandable.

Eviebeans · 15/11/2025 17:01

I can’t help but feel that there is more to be said
What is his prognosis wrt his health/cancer
Decide where you’d like to spend Christmas and do that with your children and do it
You may decide that that’s where you’d like to spend all of your time

Afullone · 15/11/2025 17:01

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Praying4Peace · 15/11/2025 17:01

Praying4Peace · 15/11/2025 17:00

This 100pc
Also OP, you wrote BMW. Is that an abbreviation for Baby Mother?
If it is, that is rude and dismissive.
Your sc's dad lives with his second family. It is essential that sc is made to feel special and included. You aren't giving off loving, inclusive vibes.
I really hope your husband's recovery will continue and you and your kids have been through an horrible time.

Show quote history

BM, not BMW