AIBU to expect Christmas to be fair for all DC and not centred on SD?

[EllieGsMum]

DH was diagnosed with cancer this year and it has been an awful time. Our two DC have lived through the worst of it. They were the ones who saw the hospital runs, the stress and everything falling apart.

Yesterday we had a huge argument. DH wants to spend £700 on SD for Christmas. I said that if he is doing that then our two DC should also get something thoughtful and similar in value, even if I put it into savings for them. DH said SD deserves that amount and our DC do not. I found that incredibly hurtful.

DH also refuses to come to my parents for Christmas because SD might not like it. This means our DC either miss seeing my family again or they miss Christmas with their dad. We have been married 6 years and our DC have only had Christmas with my side once. We were meant to alternate every year, but it never happens because everything always has to revolve around SD and BM’s plans.

Every time SD is meant to visit, BM or SD change plans last minute. Things get cancelled or rearranged and we have to adjust everything to accommodate. It causes tension every single time.

During the row DH also said “I don’t like you”.

I feel sick today. DD has been drawing pictures of us all together, and sometimes just me and DH. I think she senses something is wrong and it is breaking me.

After the year the DC have had with DH’s cancer, I just wanted a peaceful Christmas for them. I wanted something normal for once.

AIBU to think Christmas should be fair for all DC and not centred on SD every year?

I think therapy is needed or am I avoiding the inevitable?

What I’m trying to say is as op mentioned before- it doesn’t even sound like something dsd wants or needs!

Re Christmas, I do think you are unreasonable expecting your SD to spend days with your family. You say your children don't get to see their grandparents at Christmas but I think you need to arrange other visits for grandparents throughout the year and do Christmas at yours, particularly as you have a blended family so everyone should feel comfortable.

Regarding the £700 present, phones are bloody expensive so I can kind of see why SD is getting more spent. It's not like she's getting £700 worth of toys/crap. However if you want to spend more than £50 on your own children then you should be allowed. Teenagers are more expensive than small children though.

BUT the way your DH speaks to you and your children is very concerning. Shouting at a 2 year old is abuse and it also sounds like he's emotionally neglecting you and your children. You need to seriously think about what sort of future you want. If you get out now you can repair the damage. If you allow your children to be treated like this for years and years you will have seriously damaged children.

He isn't a good dad to any of his children. Don't be fooled into thinking that spending money and being the fun Dad when she's around means that he's a good dad to her or has given her what she actually needs from a father.

He tells your toddler to shut up? Christmas is not the issue, the fact that hes a horrible twat is

DD is being indirectly blamed on the situation with your parents too.

It's not her fault that you didn't learn to drive earlier or that they live 4.5 hour's away.

Tell him you are taking your children to your parents’ house and he / SD are more than welcome to join you all, or not, as they wish. As long as you include SD in everything and make sure she is supported in having a lovely time (this may require extra effort from your whole family) I think that is fair.

It is easy to love someone you don’t spend much time with. Much harder to love someone who is at home all the time. DH needs to grow up and take responsibility for making sure you all feel included at Christmas.

Why did the relationship with his ex break down? Was the grass greener elsewhere? If so, he is a manchild and will always want something other than what he has.

Completely agree with everything! DH is being an ass expecting everything to be dropped and rearranged last minute for your SD, I’d put my foot down and tell him this is what’s going to happen this year if he likes it or not. As for the money.. regardless of age all kids should be entitled to the same amount being spent, even if the rest goes into their savings

Yanbu. SDC are not more important than DC. And it doesn’t matter what the circumstances were. They are never above any other DC. Age is irrelevant. Teenagers don’t get more either. All your DC should be equal. Likewise, what SDC wants to do in the day, is no more important than anyone else in the family.

This is genuinely the first time I’ve ever said this, but LTB. He views your DC as lesser. They are not. This is not a good environment for them to grow up in.

Lovely post. Are you the H?

regardless of age all kids should be entitled to the same amount being spent, even if the rest goes into their savings 😆 for how long? What about inflation?

@EllieGsMum you sound like a lovely caring person and your DH sounds awful sorry. Favouring one child over another/others is so damaging. My DP favours his eldest and it breaks my heart to see how much it affects his youngest. Thankfully we don’t share any children together. I think the cancer is making you put up with more than you would normally. He has said terrible things about not liking you, accusing you of hating his DD, terrible things about his DD being his favourite in front of his other DC. I think you should hire a car, take the DC to your parents and start thinking about a new life without him.

Why does your SD have no real relationship with you? Presumably you have been in her life for around 6 years if you have a 5 year old?

I don't doubt that you go out of your way to make her comfortable and you care and love her but I'm guessing she sees how your DH treats you and is copying his behaviour. It's incredibly sad when you say you have no real relationship with her. Does she get on with/like her step siblings?

I don’t think children should have equal value of presents. One day yours will be 15 and want a new phone, that doesn’t mean that a 2 year old needs loads spent on them to be equal or fair. I think I your dh isn’t doing a great job of this blended family thing and that’s making you spiky about the money.
I think maybe you could do with some mediation to get to the core issues and get passed the arguments you’re stuck on.

Yanbu at all. All his children deserve to receive the same off him equally whatever the amount. His DD from a previous relationship shouldn't be more important that the DC he has with you and vice versa. The fact he feels he feels one of his children is more deserving than the others is a big problem.

I would divorce him

Same time and attention, too. Not possible.
Equal costs of electricity, heating, grocery shop, roof over head. not possible.

The fact he feels he feels one of his children is more deserving than the others is a big problem.
I'd love OP to explain the conversation as it seems a bit embellished.
We can only wait.

I agree completely that the bigger issue is him saying things like you are my favourite in front of the children and being cold to our DC when SD is around. That has been happening for a long time and it is becoming clearer how much it affects them especially the little ones.

It has been a tough year and I am open to counselling to try to address this properly before making major decisions. But I also cannot ignore how much it hurts our DC to be treated differently.

I despair.

You're open to counselling with this man?

This man who openly favours his daughter over the two children you share? The man who is being deliberately hurtful to the two children you share? The man who is a grown up who knows exactly how damaging his words are to his children? And carries on doing it anyway?

Not to mention he actually told you he doesn't like you ... and yet there you stay, subjecting your children to his treatment of them, his indifference to them, his ignoring them, his giving them scraps and making it impossible for you to have a car to drive the children about it ... while his daughter gets everything she wants and then some.

I suggest counselling just for you to get to the root of why you've put up with this treatment for you and your children for as long as you have and how to stop the pattern. Don't let your children grow up thinking this is what a good parent looks like. Don't let your children grow up thinking this is what a relationship should be. Get out of there and get some help for yourself.

Are you seriously asking if the gd treat their own blood gc the same way as a step gc?

It's always a struggle when one person obviously favours one child, you do start to try to "make it up" to the child who is being left out. My family always said my ds was a mummy's boy and scorned him for it, but they couldn't see that them leaving him out essentially made him be a mummies boy, I was the only adult who was treating him fairly

Having had cancer myself, I can speak with some experience when I say that it does not give you license to be a pain in the arse to all and sundry.

I would mention to him that unless the BM and SD are prepared to have him back, as well as deal with his cancer and all that entails, he best shape up where his current family is concerned, and sharpish.

This is absolute made-up tripe

It is heartbreaking and I'm sorry its happening within your family

He won't change OP, he will just change tactics if he has to. Be careful because alongside favouritism comes parental alienation. There's a high chance he will try to alienate one or your children from you.

I know it's easier said than done but you need to make a plan to leave. My mum played favourites with us, the child she favoured grew to be an adult who favoured others. The child she scapegoated ( me 🤣 ) she then went on to favourite and scapegoat my children

Some people are just shit unfortunetly and feed their fragile egos through making other people feel bad

Exactly!
When mums have children with someone else, they manage to treat their youngest children with love, kindness, fairness and respect just the same as their older child. Why is it so difficult for dads to do the same?!

I’ve seen the odd few cheerleaders on here supporting dads treating their first children better than their younger ones though, so there are some women who support men behaving like this too. Usually framed as “well your child gets their dad aaallll the time so the older one should be thought of more and plans should centred around them.” Bet they as mums wouldn’t have that twisted mindset though when they themselves see their youngest every day and not their older child from a previous relationship who spends nights at their dad’s.

Spot on. I can't believe others don't see it that way - she has already lost her dad once, she is scared to lose him again, for ever.

And a £700 present will help with this will it?