AIBU to expect Christmas to be fair for all DC and not centred on SD?

[EllieGsMum]

DH was diagnosed with cancer this year and it has been an awful time. Our two DC have lived through the worst of it. They were the ones who saw the hospital runs, the stress and everything falling apart.

Yesterday we had a huge argument. DH wants to spend £700 on SD for Christmas. I said that if he is doing that then our two DC should also get something thoughtful and similar in value, even if I put it into savings for them. DH said SD deserves that amount and our DC do not. I found that incredibly hurtful.

DH also refuses to come to my parents for Christmas because SD might not like it. This means our DC either miss seeing my family again or they miss Christmas with their dad. We have been married 6 years and our DC have only had Christmas with my side once. We were meant to alternate every year, but it never happens because everything always has to revolve around SD and BM’s plans.

Every time SD is meant to visit, BM or SD change plans last minute. Things get cancelled or rearranged and we have to adjust everything to accommodate. It causes tension every single time.

During the row DH also said “I don’t like you”.

I feel sick today. DD has been drawing pictures of us all together, and sometimes just me and DH. I think she senses something is wrong and it is breaking me.

After the year the DC have had with DH’s cancer, I just wanted a peaceful Christmas for them. I wanted something normal for once.

AIBU to think Christmas should be fair for all DC and not centred on SD every year?

I think therapy is needed or am I avoiding the inevitable?

Choosing favourites in front of all of them and telling a 2 year old to shut up would be the final straw. Get your ducks in a row financially and tell him that you will not put up with your DC being treated like that. You need to have their backs as he obviously doesn't. Unfortunately some men seem to over compensate when marriages break up which is what he is doing with SD especially as she is that much older. This will destroy your DC though if they grow up thinking he loves SD more than them so I would not let that happen. Is it worse since he got cancer or have you only just seen what he is like? Do you work? Can you move nearer your parents to get support? How are your finances arranged?

There are three comments I would not get past.

Him saying he does not like you.
Him saying he can spend his money however he likes. You are married so this is joint money.
Him acknowledging his SD has had a bad year without acknowledging the pain of the younger DC and calling her his favourite. Plus telling your DS to shut up.

Horrible man. The cancer is a red herring and unless this behaviour has only come about since he got cancer this would not be enough to make me stay with him.

YANBU at all. Are you able to do Christmas at your parents without him? It honestly sounds like it would be better. "They don't deserve it" and "I don't like you" are dreadful.

Only a couple of counter points though - the huge imbalance in presents is wrong but teenagers will require more money spent on presents than a 5 year old or 2 year old. Also, I know you say that your DC lived through more if the cancer worries than SD but at 15 I actually imagine she will have been far more worried than your DC, because she will know what cancer can mean.

Still, he's been an absolute arsehole to you and your children.

My husband has children and we share one together. He thinks your husband is being incredibly unreasonable.

Some posts on this thread and others defending stepkids at any cost remind me of the conversations I've seen people attempt with the truly rabid of TRAs. They're SO unreasonable that you can't work out how to converse with them. It's like talking to someone with their back to you and their fingers in their ears, singing over your words.

Was it his fault that his first marriage ended. As others have said, it sounds like he is overcompensating for something. And that he now blames you for the situation he's in.

She’s said absolutely nothing here that indicates that to me at all. She just wants a bit of fairness for all the children. DH on the other hand is behaving absolutely appallingly by telling his teen DD that she is his favourite in front of his other two children. That’s absolutely disgusting behaviour, and completely worthy of leaving the bastard to protect the feelings of her two children. If they haven’t already, this treatment from their dad will cause them some serious issues.

Well obviously “I don’t like you” isn’t okay.

In relation to the value of the gifts, most people would spend more on a teenager, but as you say there is a massive difference between £700 and £50. I’d also take into account that SD will no doubt get a gift from her mother as well, whereas your children will only get whatever you and your husband get them.

In relation to where you spend Christmas, it’s obviously tricky anyway, and your parents being so far away means that it’s not possible to just go for part of the day so that makes it even harder. However, what isn’t okay is changing plans last minute. We have exactly this situation in our extended family and it ends up affecting everybody, the grandparents, the cousins, etc. Can you invite your parents to you though?

I can see how SD was more worried about cancer and presents for teens are more expensive. It's a complete waste of money to spend even half of that amount on toddlers - they simply won't get it.

That does mean that he is a nice DH. However, don't turn this into a turf war. Your kids live with your husband and he is in their life in ways that he isn't with SD. He should still be nice to you though.

I just wish women would realise this before having a family with a man with children.

When I'm dictator of the Universe, I will force every woman who's dating a man with children to spend a few hours on the step-parenting board.

Go in with your eyes open, ladies!

I think YABU about the money. When your two are 18 and 15 and she’s 28, your DC will probably have a lot more spent on them than SD. It’s just an age thing currently. Although £700 is a huge amount for an Xmas present!

I also think YABU about this Xmas. I think it’s unreasonable to expect a 15 year old to merrily spend her time either in an Airbnb or at her step mother’s parent’s house 4.5 hours away during the holidays. I don’t really know what the answer is to that. Shy of you going with your DC alone - that is probably what I would do this year tbh.

However, none of this negates the fact your DH sounds really unpleasant and between him and his ex you are being given the run around every year. I’d lay it to him straight that, from now on, you want to strictly alternate Xmas if SD doesn’t want to come to your parents, and you are prepared to take the DC alone if he can’t facilitate that.

Don't count on them getting the dad they deserve after separation unfortunately, Exh lives 5 minutes down the road from me, and is only interested in seeing his younger kids for one overnight a fortnight and one day on the alternate fortnights. Other divorced parents argue over getting more time with the kids, mine seems to be far more focussed on getting out of it as much as possible. Unfortunately for him, if he decides he wants to a meaningful relationship with them when they are older, it's very unlikely to happen, and that's totally on him.

So that makes it ok for him to tell SD she's his favourite in front of the other kids? Jesus, some people have to make out the step mum is in the wrong no matter what.

In the years after you met, before the younger DC, how was your relationship with SDD?

Are the siblings close, was DC1 involved with the first newborn as a big sister.

It's pretty normal for teenagers to have the latest phone.

You'll feel differently when your DC are teenagers, Step children families are supposed to blend, not creating more division.

I think the presents and Christmas plansare mudding the waters. If he says mean things to you and plays favorites that not good.

Imo they will get the crumbs of his time.
Dip into your savings. Give your dc a great Christmas with your family. And leave bloody scrooge at home with his dd. Your dc will have split Christmas's anyway when you ltb.
He isn't worth your time op.
Claim cms. His ex can get less money and don't feel a tad guilty..

It has been a tough year and I am open to counselling to try to address this properly before making major decisions. But I also cannot ignore how much it hurts our DC to be treated differently.

He won't go to couples counselling because he absolutely thinks he's right. Counselling for you would be no help because the purpose of counselling is to help you understand your issues, behave differently and think differently. It won't make him suddenly realise how unfair he's being.

As far as I can see you absolutely understand the issues and have no reason to change your behaviour or your thoughts. Therefore it's not a counsellor you need, it's a lawyer.

I think YABU about the money. When your two are 18 and 15 and she’s 28, your DC will probably have a lot more spent on them than SD. It’s just an age thing currently. Although £700 is a huge amount for a Xmas present!

I agree it’s not an issue that an older child gets more spent on them, but it’s the language that DH used. Fine if he said the younger two didn’t need the same amount spent on them (and probably accurate), but to say they didn’t deserve that much is wrong. Presents aren’t about who deserves what.

OP, this is not normal. I understand that he may have guilt around not being a full-time father to SD, but to be so mean to his other two is insanely weird. It sounds like his guilt has turned into something pathological. I think you need to INSIST that this stops. And insist on therapy. If he refuses, I think you need to leave him.

I'm wondering if he treated SD this way when he lived with her, and if that's a part of the guilt...

Your poor children. This Christmas, I would absolutely scoop them up and have Christmas at your parents'. Stay for a good week. Grandparent and grandchild relationships are really important, and yours have been missing out. He's horrible to your joint children anyway, so sod the fucker.

Sorry but why are you staying after he says I don’t like you? Yes, a cancer journey is awful but that doesn’t give him an excuse to treat you like something the cat dragged in!

How on earth is telling his daughter in front of the other children that she's his favourite and telling the little ones to shut up being unbiased. Unfortunately having cancer doesn't stop someone being an arsehole.

I never thought of that! He did cheat on his ex and that was the beginning of the end for them so maybe that’s the guilt he’s carrying. But that does not mean my children deserve any less.

OP, I'm wondering why you didn’t mention that he is verbally abusive to the younger DC in your first 3 post's. That would be a very big part of the story.
He sounds very guilty around DC1.
Is he ever kind to the younger DC?

For those suggesting I am in contempt of my DSS, you could not be further from the truth. I am the one who makes sure she is comfortable when she is here. I sort her room, make sure she has any female products she might need, and defend her mum when plans change or when DH makes comments about her. Even though she has no real relationship with me, I care for her like my own.

DH goes into fun-dad mode when she visits, so I am the one who handles all the practical things. I also take over everything business related so he does not miss a moment with her. When I found out she was getting into nails, I was the one who spent £300 on an acrylic nail course and kit for her as a random gift.

I have never expected thanks or affection back. I simply wanted all the children in this family treated fairly. So please do not come at me with the idea that I resent her. To me she is as loved as the baby I lost years ago due to premature birth.

Your DH is being a good father to his daughter, because he is making sure she is not disadvantaged by the fact he has decided to start another relationship and have two additional children who live with him, when she does not. I don't think he should be criticised for that.
I do think though he should have made it crystal clear to you before you married and had children that this would be the deal. Did you not have conversations where you discussed how his daughter would be treated?
Regardless, if he is at the stage of telling you he doesn't like you, I think its safe to assume you are not in any position to persuade him to do less for his daughter now. So if that's a deal breaker, you do need to do some thinking.

My dc are 15 and 18. I would never spend £700 on either of them for Christmas- I think we spent nearly £300 once on a computer for DS and similar for DDs laptop but I would never spend more than double that especially on a phone. We get ours reconditioned phones because they like phones, want phones, useful for safety but not sure why they would need more than £200 on a phone!! Grown adults with their own money can choose to buy their own phone! Kids use, lose and break them.