To tell my mum never to come to my house again

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

Royally pissed off.

my mum is an absolute nut job when it comes to cleaning, I grew up in a sterile house that I was scared to eat in because my mum would go mental about crumbs etc. she would spend all day every day cleaning, going around everywhere with a white cloth every surface got cleaned every day and we couldn’t leave the house until everywhere was cleaned top to bottom.

every time she comes to my house she makes a comment that it’s a mess or filthy. It is not. I am known amongst my friends for being a neat/clean freak myself (obviously not to the extent my mother is). It pisses me off every time and I’ve told her over and over it’s out of line.

today, she’s came around (I’m in the middle of having a clear out before Christmas but have about 1 meter square of a pile of stuff I’m about to throw away). My DC playing in their room (for once!) their toy box emptied onto their bedroom floor. Que tutting and huffing from my mum followed by “wow you really need a good clean in this house” I asked what she was talking about? She’d literally came in and gone straight upstairs. She said she’s “concerned” for my wellbeing and thinks I don’t realise I’m living in squalor. Things she’s pointed out:

• apparently there’s always clothes strewn about (this is not the case, she’s referring to my washing being hung out on an electric airer)
• apparently the bins are always overflowing (again not the case, on occasion my cardboard/recycling bin will have things on top waiting to be taken out if I’m doing something in the kitchen)
• always dishes in the sink (we have usually just had lunch when she announces herself, dishes go in the dishwasher but a few things I wash by hand)
• the dogs bowls being out (is he not allowed to eat and drink? Our pets as kids were not allowed bowls had to eat off tin foil to be thrown away)
• apaprently it’s chaos, everything is unorganised. I asked for examples she said she doesn’t know as she came straight upstairs.
• my office is a tip. (This is the one room I allow to be a mess - craft type space - nobody goes in there so I don’t even know how she’s seen it
• my out houses are a mess (they’re used for literal storage of garden tools and decorations)
• the main bathroom is apparently disgusting (on checking there’s a small blob of toothpaste in the sink from DC.
• my spare (unused) room is a mess - currently got 4 storage boxes of clothes stacked for Vinted.
• she rummages through all my drawers pulls everything out and starts refolding everything
• she says I have no pride or care for my home and seemingly myself.

im absolutely fuming. I wish I could take pictures and post them to show you but it may be outing. I’m insulted and I’ve just told her not to bother coming around in future. The fact she’s tried to angle it as a wellbeing concern has pissed me off no end as she knows I’ve got a lot on at the moment. Apparently she’s noticed it over the last 2 years??? Not only that but I’m dumbfounded she thinks it’s a mess when anyone that comes here comments on how nice it is. Long history of my mum being controlling and narcissistic. She’s commented on the size of my house being “too much to keep up with”. At the end of Isummer she done similar about garden furniture (that’s under an oak tree) having a couple of leaves and a singular paw print from our dog on it and about garden toys being out - we were having a garden day! FWIW I live in a large rural house.

I know it’s untrue and told her such, but she makes me feel like I’m going insane. Doubling down with “I’m concerned you don’t realise”. But I’m known for being house proud? AIBU to just block her from coming going forward? I’m supposed to be hosting Christmas (as always) and can’t be arsed with it.

I think your mother sounds extremely annoying.

NB I don't see how a photo of the interior of a room would be "outing".

Is she jealous of your home?

“We like it, this is our home as we like it” on repeat!

you don’t need to get into it with her or engage in justifications. She’s a bit nuts.

I'd say "If you think my house is a tip it's best you don't come here at Xmas, we are relaxed and fun and enjoyment is our priority, they'll be toys and wrapping and mess everywhere and I cannot face you going on and on at me"
and see what she says to that. Hold a mirror up and let her see herself for what she is. If this was about your home and mental health she'd be offering to help you with what you want help with, not bossing you about.

Given what she was like in your childhood, I can see how she does see your house as genuinely not being clean enough. However, I suspect there might be a mental health reasoning behind it - and the truth is that your house is absolutely fine.

By all means tell her to stay away as she is annoying you. There is no reason to put up with comments from people that you find upsetting or unhelpful.

Does your mum have any mental health treatment or support?

Just in case friends or family are on here (I’m sure they are) I don’t want them to see.

shes also pointed out she hates my mirror because it makes her look fat. I said I think it’s fine and apparently my sister says the same. It’s a huge antique-type free standing mirror next to a seating area in a large hallway. I don’t see how it can make someone look fat?

She sounds like she has mental fixation on tidiness but your right to stop her coming into your home. It’s your home, it’s not filthy and she’s no right to keep putting it down. I would suspect that it will never be good enough for her whatever you do in it

I'd just tell her, mum what do you think I remember from childhood? What do you think the overriding memories I have are of my own time growing up in your house? It's not of playtime, of lived in cosy familial warmth. So was it worth all that cleaning if all it did was maintain a clean and tidy house at the expense of my happiness as a child and my relationship with you now?

Are we put on this earth to clean to the nth degree? I think not.

I have diagnosed OCD but I don’t clean to your mothers extent, my sibling and DM have pretty low standards and it makes me itch. HOWEVR, I would never dream of telling them, or anyone else, how they should live in their own home. I sit there, decline food and change my clothes when I get home. I know my issue is exactly that, my issue.

The very fact that in your case it’s untrue is doubly unforgivable. I don’t blame you from banning her!

Stop having her visit.

It really pisses me off when other people think it’s ok to tell others how to live in their own homes.

I’ve tried this she just scoffed. I am and always have been the “host house” everyone’s fine coming around here for each and every occasion to fill their boots on food and drink so why come if you think it’s a mess? Even when a family gathering is suggested she jumps in and suggests we hold it at my house. Prime example my sisters birthday party with all her stranger friends! Expected me to host a gang of teenagers and let them have a teepee party in the gardens.

Can you just shout like a klaxon BORING BORING BORING when she starts, it is obnoxious but may work 😅 I speak from experience as my mum cannot help herself but direct, cajole, criticise and calm asking her to refrain doesn't work but shouting boring boring boring (I admit immature) did work.

My mother also does the "but I'm your mother" like she created me so can say anything no matter how rude to me. No.

I’ve said I find it outrageously cheeky and insulting. Her response was I’m your mother so cheeky doesn’t come into it and I’m telling you my thoughts because it’s my right to.

So have I and it’s often not related to cleaning..

She’s looking at things through her skewed lens, just remember that and ignore her.

We all have OCD in my family but not necessarily the cleanliness type. My brother is more rituals and intrusive thoughts and i’n the same. It’s tough.

I sympathise because my mum also can’t help but comment, though my house is a lot messier than yours, not terrible, not a hoarder but I’m usually living with a bit of clutter eg few things on coffee table, clothes on airers in “public” rooms, stuff on the end of the dining table not used because only 2 of us live here now. I’ve learned to just ignore

I’ve tried to brush it off until now by doing similar. She’s sadly persisted.

I’ve heard her barking orders at her partner over the phone if they’re expecting company to go and clean XYZ. I’ve seen things in her house that I’d find filthy! Her house looks like a mental institution. White and cool lights.

She wants you to host so her "perfect" house isn't dirtied or untidy and stays pristine, leaving her free to criticise you and your normal house. It really does sound like she has some form of OCD in terms of how you grew up.

But you do not have to put up with comments in your own home! Don't defend yourself or tell her she is wrong as that simply won't work, she's convinced she is right as that is how she sees the world.

I'd simply be telling her she isn't welcome in your house if she cannot keep her opinions to herself. From today, tell her she will get ONE warning about critical comments (or "I'm worried about you" ones) and the second another one comes she is told to leave. Gather up her coat/bag/belongs and hustle her to the door. Don't take no for an answer. Any more incidents and she's not longer invited at all and that includes Christmas. You've only got a few weeks to get the mesage across that you mean business so start immediately,

Either she learns to keep her mouth shut or she stops coming around.

OP, are you happy with the state of your house? You and your immediate family are the only ones whose opinion matters here. Tell your mum you don’t care what she thinks, if it’s too dirty or untidy for her she will have to stay away. And her going through drawers and cupboards is really not on. Tell her to stop. Read a book called Let Them. Might help you to brush off her opinions.

Concern-troll her right back, using the same phrases. "You have OCD mum - I'm concerned you don't realize". Suggest she gets into therapy and then ask her if she has yet, every time.

Or just tell her that if she wants to clean your place, she's welcome. Then pour a stiff drink and put your feet up.

You mother is a total clean freak and is obsessed with cleanliness to the point of mental illness.

Who feeds their pets on bits of tin foil so it can be thrown away afterwards? That's absolutely crazy and not something any sane person would do.

Before she crosses your threshold, have a container ready with cloths, disinfectant and whatever in it and hand it over without a word. Might take the wind out of her interfering sails.

You know the type of container, it has a handle on top and compartments for all the things she will need.

Then go out. Or go upstairs, or walk the dog or whatever. Say "thanks Mum, I know you'll do a better job at cleaning than me, byeee, see you in a bit when it's all done the way you like it." 😊

It’s absolutely fine not to have your “D”M in your house. You don’t have to explain why.

My “D”M is badly behaved avd only comes here on Christmas Day when I have enough people to keep an eye on her.

Does she do any childcare, pet sitting or house sitting for you?

Does she have a key? If she does I would change the lock or ask for it back.

And what do you say when she says that she’s your DM so can say anything?

In our first house we were about to have our kitchen ripped out in 2 days time. We had a water leak and the ceiling came down. We swept and wiped but there was plasterboard everywhere- and no where to put it as the skip was not being delivered until the next day. Cue my parents dropping in unannounced and my shocked father saying it needed to be put right "for appearances sakes". Appearance to who? The guy ripping out the kitchen next day?