To tell my mum never to come to my house again

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

Royally pissed off.

my mum is an absolute nut job when it comes to cleaning, I grew up in a sterile house that I was scared to eat in because my mum would go mental about crumbs etc. she would spend all day every day cleaning, going around everywhere with a white cloth every surface got cleaned every day and we couldn’t leave the house until everywhere was cleaned top to bottom.

every time she comes to my house she makes a comment that it’s a mess or filthy. It is not. I am known amongst my friends for being a neat/clean freak myself (obviously not to the extent my mother is). It pisses me off every time and I’ve told her over and over it’s out of line.

today, she’s came around (I’m in the middle of having a clear out before Christmas but have about 1 meter square of a pile of stuff I’m about to throw away). My DC playing in their room (for once!) their toy box emptied onto their bedroom floor. Que tutting and huffing from my mum followed by “wow you really need a good clean in this house” I asked what she was talking about? She’d literally came in and gone straight upstairs. She said she’s “concerned” for my wellbeing and thinks I don’t realise I’m living in squalor. Things she’s pointed out:

• apparently there’s always clothes strewn about (this is not the case, she’s referring to my washing being hung out on an electric airer)
• apparently the bins are always overflowing (again not the case, on occasion my cardboard/recycling bin will have things on top waiting to be taken out if I’m doing something in the kitchen)
• always dishes in the sink (we have usually just had lunch when she announces herself, dishes go in the dishwasher but a few things I wash by hand)
• the dogs bowls being out (is he not allowed to eat and drink? Our pets as kids were not allowed bowls had to eat off tin foil to be thrown away)
• apaprently it’s chaos, everything is unorganised. I asked for examples she said she doesn’t know as she came straight upstairs.
• my office is a tip. (This is the one room I allow to be a mess - craft type space - nobody goes in there so I don’t even know how she’s seen it
• my out houses are a mess (they’re used for literal storage of garden tools and decorations)
• the main bathroom is apparently disgusting (on checking there’s a small blob of toothpaste in the sink from DC.
• my spare (unused) room is a mess - currently got 4 storage boxes of clothes stacked for Vinted.
• she rummages through all my drawers pulls everything out and starts refolding everything
• she says I have no pride or care for my home and seemingly myself.

im absolutely fuming. I wish I could take pictures and post them to show you but it may be outing. I’m insulted and I’ve just told her not to bother coming around in future. The fact she’s tried to angle it as a wellbeing concern has pissed me off no end as she knows I’ve got a lot on at the moment. Apparently she’s noticed it over the last 2 years??? Not only that but I’m dumbfounded she thinks it’s a mess when anyone that comes here comments on how nice it is. Long history of my mum being controlling and narcissistic. She’s commented on the size of my house being “too much to keep up with”. At the end of Isummer she done similar about garden furniture (that’s under an oak tree) having a couple of leaves and a singular paw print from our dog on it and about garden toys being out - we were having a garden day! FWIW I live in a large rural house.

I know it’s untrue and told her such, but she makes me feel like I’m going insane. Doubling down with “I’m concerned you don’t realise”. But I’m known for being house proud? AIBU to just block her from coming going forward? I’m supposed to be hosting Christmas (as always) and can’t be arsed with it.

She sounds like she's got serious mental health problems to me. That level of cleaning OCD is not normal. Maybe suggest a psychiatrist?

Cut her out of your life. She's no use to you.

She clearly has OCD and needs therapy, which she should have accessed years ago.
Until she is prepared to get help and changes don't let her in your house again.You don't need the criticism and your kids don't need the toxicity of her rubbing off on them either.

On my first Christmas in my new post-divorce house my mum walked in, didn't even say hello, just tutted and said 'it looks like an explosion in a toy factory in here'.

Well merry fucking Christmas to you too.

Yanbu op. At all.

I couldn't deal with this, just reading your OP made me feel so stressed! I would 100% be turning the faux concern right back on her - "Mum, this obsession of yours is so unhealthy and it clearly upsets you to come here, so from now on I will only see you at your house/the garden centre cafe/Aunty's house/whatever. Of course she wants you to host everything so her operating theatre of a house stays sacred. Fuck off.
Plenty of people have OCD or other issues. Doesn't mean they're entitled to be rude and disrespectful.

Great idea to do a video walk through of the house, ideally with a date/time stamp, and send it to any similarly interfering family with the message that your mum's no longer welcome in your home but you remain happy to welcome anyone who can behave respectfully when accepting your hospitality.

This has really pissed me off on your behalf!!!

I’ve sent her a message. Awaiting reply.

It's her issue – probably a result of her own childhood – don't make it yours.

You didn't need to write that long OP justifying everything but it shows how defensive you've had to become to cope.

Drop the rope, feel the relief. Get help to fix your OCD and live your life, not your mothers.

Don't have her round anymore. Tell her "I don't want you in my house because all you do is insult me." Don't bother with any discussion. It's then on her to decide to be respectful to you or not. If she comes back and can't behave, show her the door.

No advice OP as my mother is very similar. For a while she held a spare key to our house, and let herself in and cleaned whilst we were on holiday, which freaked my DH out. The spare key is now on my dad's keyring to stop it happening again. But she sighs and huffs when she comes in to the house, and starts moving things around. I've told her to stop but it makes no difference. Sometimes I wish we lived 200 miles apart. I'm not brave enough to go NC as all the relatives would kick off, but more distance would really help.

I think it is fair to say your mum has issues that she needs help with.
The best thing you can do is not get involved in any conversation that she starts about your house, just ignore her and let it go over your head.
Your house is nothing to do with your mum and she has no right to comment on it.

"I'm not 15 any more, Mum, and I'm not interested in your opinions. It's my house and I'll live how I want, and if you can't be civil about it, best stay away."

Rinse and repeat. If it still doesn't work, don't answer the door to her.

Wow I cannot imagine talking to either of my daughters like that. She sounds unhinged. I would tell her to stay away and only meet in neutral places from now on.

She’s obviously got unhealthy standards considering she made pets eat off foil that can cut their tongues… why don’t you snap back? ‘It’s not disgusting you’re just unhealthily obsessed with cleaning. It made my childhood horrible at times so I refuse to be like that.’

If she has a Mental Illness, you can’t just say to someone with OCD “stop looking at my house and thinking it needs to be cleaner”.. anymore that you can tell someone who is Depressed to “cheer up”.

She’s not being rude ..and treating it as if she’s being rude is unhelpful. With your OCD , if someone just told you to stop your rituals, or intrusive thoughts, would you be able to just do it ? Nope.

Not once have I said she’s got that form of ocd. Regardless, she can implement it in her own home. And if she was that triggered by my house she’d either stay away or actually help out rather than sitting passing snobby judgement.

Say it's her fat that makes her look fat, nothing to do with your mirror.

I think I'd have to just straight up tell her that she made your life hell growing up in her house and that you have absolutely no intention of your own children ending up feeling that way.

😂

i have a mirror that has glass thats ever so slightly warped. if you stand to one side of it you look thinner than you are, if you stand in the middle you look wider.

That being said, your mother is batshit.

Send her to my house she would pass out from horror

It genuinely sounds like she has a mental disorder (maybe OCD?) and could use some therapy for the sake of herself as well as everyone around her.

Whilst I do genuinely think this, it is also a way for you to turn it back round.
You have different ideas of how a house should be. She's making out you are the odd one but we all know you are not. What you are strugging with is that she keeps bringing it as a fault in you. Make it clear it is a fault in her and that she needs to do something about it, just as she does to you. Don't give up. Keep going as long as she does.

Oops, looks like I cross posted.

Even if your house was dirty and messy which it doesn't sound like it is....it sound very much like a normal working house....then it would still be phenomenally rude of her to make any comments about it. Why on earth does she feel entitled to comment in such a way. She's not only got ridiculous standards for housekeeping she has no boundaries.

I said in the message

“Mum I’m really not having all of this every time you come around. I don’t care if you don’t think my house is up to your standards. My house is clean, lived in, and relaxed. If you choose to turn up while I’m living in it, doing my day to day tasks, and playing with XXX then that’s up to you. I’m not having you make out like I live in a mess when I don’t. You’ve got serious mental health problems when it comes to cleanliness and I know that’s not your fault but when you think of how it was when I was growing up that’s definitely not something I want XXX growing up in. It IS cheeky, insulting, and disrespectful. And aside from that, anyone else that comes here says how nice it is clean tidy etc and I know that myself, it is only you that ever has anything negative to say. If there’s a few dishes in the sink waiting to go in the dishwasher, or the bin due to be taken out, so what? If two unused rooms are a mess due to sorting/getting rid of stuff/storage so what? It’s none of your business or concern. There’s plenty I could comment on in your own house but I would never because it’s none of my business or concern. You only ever come when XXX are home anyway, never just to see me, so what do you expect that there’s things out of place when Im spending time with and playing with XXX? Regardless, it’s not for you to comment on, your opinion on this doesn’t matter to me and alls it does is make me think you’ve got a problem. Every time you come round you insult me and my home, or make some passive aggressive comment, so now it’s a case of simply don’t come round if you can’t keep your opinions to yourself”

ive just realised she’s on a night out tonight so ill either get ignored until tomorrow, ignored completely followed by horrible atmosphere for the coming weeks, or a load of insulting comments in defence now that she’s had a drink (probable)

shes also pointed out she hates my mirror because it makes her look fat

Who cares, it’s not her house! Best to see her at hers or out and about if you can. Or tell her not to be rude.