To tell my mum never to come to my house again

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

Royally pissed off.

my mum is an absolute nut job when it comes to cleaning, I grew up in a sterile house that I was scared to eat in because my mum would go mental about crumbs etc. she would spend all day every day cleaning, going around everywhere with a white cloth every surface got cleaned every day and we couldn’t leave the house until everywhere was cleaned top to bottom.

every time she comes to my house she makes a comment that it’s a mess or filthy. It is not. I am known amongst my friends for being a neat/clean freak myself (obviously not to the extent my mother is). It pisses me off every time and I’ve told her over and over it’s out of line.

today, she’s came around (I’m in the middle of having a clear out before Christmas but have about 1 meter square of a pile of stuff I’m about to throw away). My DC playing in their room (for once!) their toy box emptied onto their bedroom floor. Que tutting and huffing from my mum followed by “wow you really need a good clean in this house” I asked what she was talking about? She’d literally came in and gone straight upstairs. She said she’s “concerned” for my wellbeing and thinks I don’t realise I’m living in squalor. Things she’s pointed out:

• apparently there’s always clothes strewn about (this is not the case, she’s referring to my washing being hung out on an electric airer)
• apparently the bins are always overflowing (again not the case, on occasion my cardboard/recycling bin will have things on top waiting to be taken out if I’m doing something in the kitchen)
• always dishes in the sink (we have usually just had lunch when she announces herself, dishes go in the dishwasher but a few things I wash by hand)
• the dogs bowls being out (is he not allowed to eat and drink? Our pets as kids were not allowed bowls had to eat off tin foil to be thrown away)
• apaprently it’s chaos, everything is unorganised. I asked for examples she said she doesn’t know as she came straight upstairs.
• my office is a tip. (This is the one room I allow to be a mess - craft type space - nobody goes in there so I don’t even know how she’s seen it
• my out houses are a mess (they’re used for literal storage of garden tools and decorations)
• the main bathroom is apparently disgusting (on checking there’s a small blob of toothpaste in the sink from DC.
• my spare (unused) room is a mess - currently got 4 storage boxes of clothes stacked for Vinted.
• she rummages through all my drawers pulls everything out and starts refolding everything
• she says I have no pride or care for my home and seemingly myself.

im absolutely fuming. I wish I could take pictures and post them to show you but it may be outing. I’m insulted and I’ve just told her not to bother coming around in future. The fact she’s tried to angle it as a wellbeing concern has pissed me off no end as she knows I’ve got a lot on at the moment. Apparently she’s noticed it over the last 2 years??? Not only that but I’m dumbfounded she thinks it’s a mess when anyone that comes here comments on how nice it is. Long history of my mum being controlling and narcissistic. She’s commented on the size of my house being “too much to keep up with”. At the end of Isummer she done similar about garden furniture (that’s under an oak tree) having a couple of leaves and a singular paw print from our dog on it and about garden toys being out - we were having a garden day! FWIW I live in a large rural house.

I know it’s untrue and told her such, but she makes me feel like I’m going insane. Doubling down with “I’m concerned you don’t realise”. But I’m known for being house proud? AIBU to just block her from coming going forward? I’m supposed to be hosting Christmas (as always) and can’t be arsed with it.

When they call say ‘my house is fine, you know how crazy mum is about cleaning, I’m sure she’s got something going on with her mental health. But I don’t need your help not to worry’.

Play her own game back at her don’t just lie down and take it.

There you go. Absolute narcissist. Mothers like this genuinely, almost subconsciously, think you’re their property. You will never change her. If you’re sure it won’t cause you guilt (it shouldn’t but brains are funny things) bin her off and use the time you’re wasting thinking about her reading a couple of books on narcissistic parenting. Changed my life at 59 years of age. Glad you’ll get the opportunity years before I did. Big love.

You dont mention a partner (if you have or you dont, apologies. )But if you do could they have your back/gatekeep a bit? When you're reaching for the knife block could they step up with her coat and bag, usher her out and say "ok enough, you've been told. Bye" and deflect the flying monkeys? (They btw need to be told to fuck off) and definitely put a stop to yours being the party house.

Is there a family WhatsApp group with all these rays of sunshine on it? If so, message it with 'as Mum keeps telling me my house is disgusting, I won't be hosting Christmas this year as obviously none of you will want to eat in such filth. Who is going to step in? I'm looking forward to being hosted instead'. Assure anyone who doesn't believe you that you're deadly serious. They can reap what they've sown.

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread

ive just realised she’s on a night out tonight so ill either get ignored until tomorrow, ignored completely followed by horrible atmosphere for the coming weeks, or a load of insulting comments in defence now that she’s had a drink (probable)

If you aren't ready for that barrage of comments, maybe put her on 'silent' for awhile and look later when you've had a moment or two to 'regroup'. You don't have to see what she sends you til you are good and ready

I’m now a single parent which is unfortunately the reason I’ve had to allow her to be involved in my life much more than ordinarily would. Life is a shit show at the moment, I’ve been glad of the support. But I knew this typical behaviour would come out in one way or another soon. I don’t rely on her for childcare or anything but I’m very isolated at the moment and do call her to vent

I think this commenter is spot on - the ‘I don’t think you realise how messy your home is’ is sadly ironic as it seems she doesn’t realise her own somewhat neurotic behaviour.
It sounds like your house is both well kept and also a warm and comfortable home for your family (including the pets, if the tin foil thing is anything to go by I wonder if she struggled a lot having pets, it’s a lot of extra mess potentially!)
I think if she isn’t open to addressing her mental health, or if it isn’t that then accepting that her way isn’t the only way to keep a clean house, you’d be totally justified in saying you will only see her out or at her house in future.

She sounds neurotic OP. I’d try to limit contact or at the very least make excuses to stop her coming round.

I sadly think it’s a mental health issue with herself, trying to control the world in a sense, which is impossible and then projecting her internal issues onto you. I can understandably sense your blood pressure rising. Deep breaths, you sound incredibly tolerant.
Live and go on as you are, you sound grand 😊

it’s frustrating because I’ve kept my mum out of my business and life for thirty something years. Sadly due to a new change of circumstances I’ve had to involve her in my life to an extent and now I feel isolated by the fact. My family will 100% be getting told about my house, though most will side with her as they’re equally insane about cleaning.

If any family members/flying monkeys call I'd tell them Mum has a mental health issue, that she made your childhood miserable with it and you refuse to do the same to your kids. That you will not have them living in a home where they are afraid to eat or drink and cannot play with toys because it's not normal. I'd also suggest to them that she does the same to others in terms of discussing the cleanliness of their homes after visits - that should give them pause to think.

Well done for standing up for yourself, OP.

You are not forced to have her in your home, whatever the current circumstances.

If she is visiting an adult who is currently living in your home, make it clear to them that they need to make arrangements to see her away from your property going forward.

Protect your peace.x.

Update:

“XXX you can’t say a word to you without it going into all this ⬆️ I’m not going to go on. If I think something I will say it. It’s never ever coming from a bad place with me but yet you always start with passive aggressive comments. Just enough now. I can’t be dealing with it.
If you can’t accept me trying to speak to you about things that concern me, that’s fine I won’t come round 🤷🏽‍♀️”

it’s honestly like talking to a brick wall.

imo it’s relevant if your house is a mess or not

she is over stepping, what gives her the right to start touching your things in the first olace

it isn’t her house to dictate

I know people like your mother and no matter how clean a house is it is never clean enough in their eyes. Protect your peace and only visit her house.

She's never going to accept wrong doing on her part BUT she has agreed not to come around, which is a WIN.

My reply would be 'You're not the only one who gets to say what they think and what I think is it's best you don't come around any more. Thanks for agreeing to not do so'

Take the win and crack a bottle!!! 🍾

The irony of “things that concern me” that’s just it! It doesn’t!

thank you 🙏

Let her sit in her misery, OP.

You've got your peaceful life back.

You can never control what other people think, do or say.

Not your problem..x.

WELL DONE!!!!

Bloody hell OP, Iif it wasn't impossible, I'd swear we have the same mother. My mum would have written exactly that, basically I will say what I want to, and you have to take it because you're my child'. I'm interested in what another poster said about narcissistic mothers thinking we are their property. I've never heard that before, but it's an interesting description. My own mother also thinks she owns my daughter now. It's horrible.

Absolutely ban her from your house, if she's going to be rude she can't come over anymore.

Unusual for what/whom?

There you go, you’ve done it. @JustSawJohnny has written the perfect final response for you; text it to her, word for word, then block her. Get a couple of books from Amazon or wherever (just put narcissistic parenting in the search bar) a glass of wine or whatever, and welcome yourself to your new life. I don’t even know you and I’m proud of you 🌟

sounds a lot like my mum, I’ve gone low contact with her in the last few years and am much happier for it. her priorities don’t have to be your priorities. And you are allowed to have boundaries. She might fume and rage but you have to draw a line in the sand and stick to it.

😂😂😂😂😂😂 Some people actually need this level of in-their-face to get it!

Hopefully she won't think that not coming round excludes when she wants hosting!

Maybe stop doing all the hosting for the family as well?

Thats a win for you.
Well done.

"Great, so we are clear, you are no longer welcome at my home. Do not call again".

Enjoy the peace.