To tell my mum never to come to my house again

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

Royally pissed off.

my mum is an absolute nut job when it comes to cleaning, I grew up in a sterile house that I was scared to eat in because my mum would go mental about crumbs etc. she would spend all day every day cleaning, going around everywhere with a white cloth every surface got cleaned every day and we couldn’t leave the house until everywhere was cleaned top to bottom.

every time she comes to my house she makes a comment that it’s a mess or filthy. It is not. I am known amongst my friends for being a neat/clean freak myself (obviously not to the extent my mother is). It pisses me off every time and I’ve told her over and over it’s out of line.

today, she’s came around (I’m in the middle of having a clear out before Christmas but have about 1 meter square of a pile of stuff I’m about to throw away). My DC playing in their room (for once!) their toy box emptied onto their bedroom floor. Que tutting and huffing from my mum followed by “wow you really need a good clean in this house” I asked what she was talking about? She’d literally came in and gone straight upstairs. She said she’s “concerned” for my wellbeing and thinks I don’t realise I’m living in squalor. Things she’s pointed out:

• apparently there’s always clothes strewn about (this is not the case, she’s referring to my washing being hung out on an electric airer)
• apparently the bins are always overflowing (again not the case, on occasion my cardboard/recycling bin will have things on top waiting to be taken out if I’m doing something in the kitchen)
• always dishes in the sink (we have usually just had lunch when she announces herself, dishes go in the dishwasher but a few things I wash by hand)
• the dogs bowls being out (is he not allowed to eat and drink? Our pets as kids were not allowed bowls had to eat off tin foil to be thrown away)
• apaprently it’s chaos, everything is unorganised. I asked for examples she said she doesn’t know as she came straight upstairs.
• my office is a tip. (This is the one room I allow to be a mess - craft type space - nobody goes in there so I don’t even know how she’s seen it
• my out houses are a mess (they’re used for literal storage of garden tools and decorations)
• the main bathroom is apparently disgusting (on checking there’s a small blob of toothpaste in the sink from DC.
• my spare (unused) room is a mess - currently got 4 storage boxes of clothes stacked for Vinted.
• she rummages through all my drawers pulls everything out and starts refolding everything
• she says I have no pride or care for my home and seemingly myself.

im absolutely fuming. I wish I could take pictures and post them to show you but it may be outing. I’m insulted and I’ve just told her not to bother coming around in future. The fact she’s tried to angle it as a wellbeing concern has pissed me off no end as she knows I’ve got a lot on at the moment. Apparently she’s noticed it over the last 2 years??? Not only that but I’m dumbfounded she thinks it’s a mess when anyone that comes here comments on how nice it is. Long history of my mum being controlling and narcissistic. She’s commented on the size of my house being “too much to keep up with”. At the end of Isummer she done similar about garden furniture (that’s under an oak tree) having a couple of leaves and a singular paw print from our dog on it and about garden toys being out - we were having a garden day! FWIW I live in a large rural house.

I know it’s untrue and told her such, but she makes me feel like I’m going insane. Doubling down with “I’m concerned you don’t realise”. But I’m known for being house proud? AIBU to just block her from coming going forward? I’m supposed to be hosting Christmas (as always) and can’t be arsed with it.

If she said that to me about the mirror, my reply would be ‘that’s because you are fat’. But I’m known for not mincing my words, and I’d have banned her from my house years ago. I’m amazed at how much patience you have OP.

I've had a few people go on at me about things (not cleaning).
I always say, "So... anyway...." and then change the subject. And I do that every single time they start. They do eventually give up but you have to be prepared to keep doing it until they get the message.

Oh god I sympathise so much, I've got a "commentator" mam as well. Unfortunately I have no advice because my solution was to completely blow up on her last time she had something to say, bellow "well thank fuck you don't live here then!" and then have to deal with her not talking to me for months.

Yeah this. Tell her you want a happier, more carefree, childhood for your kids with a Mum who is present and pleasant to be around.

I would tell her if she makes one more comment about your house she won’t be back, including Christmas.

Some mirrors do distort, but I assume it's not there for their benefit?

And did you?

And it’s my right to ignore your rudeness and unwanted opinions.

Your poor kids OP….she will pass her batshit craziness onto them. Do you need her in your life?
I wouldn’t allow anyone to come into my house and go up my stairs!

'We find it fine how it is, if you don't like it you do not have to visit'

Oh thats given me flashbacks to my Mum.

No level of cleanliness was acceptable, except hers. Anything short of that unattainable standard was 'filth' or 'squalor'. She'd try to tidy up stuff you were in the middle of - I recall one day her coming to my home and trying to put away, in colour order, the selection of pastels I had out on a tray for a portrait I was working on. (To put that into perspective, thats 20 colours I'd selected from a choice of several hundred and it had taken me half a day to sort them out!)

That really did it and I did yell at her to fuck right off! Then I got all the 'but I am just concerned about you, you don't realise how awful this is...' and she just could not accept that trying to put away items I was actively using and would be for some days was not fucking normal!

As a result I have gone the other way and genuinely do live in something approaching filth/squalor - we're a mucky household, its cluttered, theres dust and dog hair everywhere - it does get cleaned, its not the SAME dust and dog hair from say, Monday to Wednesday, but it doesn't get cleaned enough, no.

I'd tell her you're aware of her opinion, and if she can't keep it to herself moving forward then she needs to not come round again. If she tries to arrange events to be held at your house say 'No Mother, my house is filthy and squalid, so we can't do X there'.

I wish I had done this with Mother, the situation resolved itself when she died of alcholic seizures in her then squalid and disgusting house full of food waste that she'd hoarded... karma eh.

"Mum, I understand that you think my house is messy and dirty, and you're concerned for my welfare. Thank you for telling me how you feel. I've thought about what you've said, but I disagree. We like the house how it is, and we think this is the right balance for us between cleanliness and having time for other things. I'm not going to make changes, and discussing it more is only going to upset us both. I don't want to talk about it again. If you bring it up, I'm going to change the subject."

"But it's so messy, it's not safe - "

"Mum, I'm not going to discuss this with you. How's your Christmas shopping going? I still have to buy presents for Uncle X and Aunt Y."

"I don't know why you're being like this. I'm worried about you -"

"Mum, I'm not going to discuss this with you. I'm really looking forward to the lights switch on in town next week, how about you?"

"I'm your mother, I'm going to talk about whatever I like -"

"OK, but I'm not going to talk about my housekeeping with you. It's a lovely day, shall we go for a walk?"

etc. etc.

After a lifetime of no boundaries, having a boundary about this (or anything) will bring on the full narcissist's arsenal of anger, denial, bargaining, grief etc.

Time for the grey rock. Consistency is key. If you hold firm, eventually she'll stop banging her head against it.

When I go my mum's house I usually clean. Thinking I better give it a rest 🙂

It’s YOUR mirror so her opinion is irrelevant

Sorry you have this to bear it’s not you …it’s a HER problem

"It's my right to tell you to get out of my house mum"
Or my preferred is "If you don't like it don't visit."

Tall her how it ruined your childhood and you want your children to have the childhood you never had

I would honestly want to post a screenshot to your DM:
A random Jet 2 holiday, all inclusive in say Lanzarote over Christmas / New Year - and tell her you have had a complete rethink over hosting Christmas.
And then go radio-silent for a week 😀

Of course she wants all the hosting done at your house, she doesn’t want the mess at hers.

In your situation, if the relatives call with concern, I would probably want to take them on a video tour of the house on whatsapp and let them know that I was concerned she didn't realise that she's very unwell if this is so much on her mind. Just get out in front of it so they know how to interpret her in future.
And inde. You would not be unreasonable to say she should not visit you at home. Not at all. And to say no to being volunteered to host !

Same. When my parent comes over it's just insult after insult. They don't really come anymore. I stopped allowing my parents to affect me emotionally years ago. I just let them go. I decided they're just people who are flawed and happened to pop me out. Nothing they think or say has any bearing on me mentally.

If my parent comes over I ignore anything negative that they say. They've become angry and stormed out after this too, and I just carried on with my day, and the behaviour has lessened, but not stopped completely.

You can't control your mum, but you can control your emotional and practical response.

Luckily we lived abroad when our children were very small but on one visit to the UK my mother uttered the words 'I'm entitled to my opinion' about something or other. I told her she was entitled to her opinion about Taiwan joining the UN, or some other international controversy, but it didn't mean anyone would take notice of her. Only two opinions mattered regarding our children and she didn't make the cut! There was no point in being subtle, the rest of the family were gobsmacked when they heard, from her of course, they wouldn't have dared to stand up to my mother, their Aunt!

I could make it through exactly 20 seconds of that shit before a 'If you don't like it you can fuck off home' flew out of my gob 😆

Seriously though, you don't have to put up with that, OP.

I think you need to speak to her and let her know that any and all further comments will result in her being told to leave, Xmas included.

It’s not her ‘right’. Tell her if she doesn’t stop criticising your home or how you live she’s not welcome. And if she visits and starts on about the state of the house get up immediately and escort her out. She can keep her house any way she likes, as can you.
By the way mirrors certainly can make you look heavier or lighter. I used to have one that made me look fantastic!

It is not her "right" to be unpleasant and insulting to anyone. Please do not take what she says to heart, she is obviously wrong, and obviously has - issues, shall we say.

You are within your rights to refuse to have her there as she has no manners and is being cruel.

If you don't actually find you can follow through with banning her, just blank her when she talks like this. Look at her boredly as though you are waiting for her to stop talking then just carry on as though she hadn't spoken. While mentally saying to yourself "poor old thing she can't help it". Because she is talking nonsense.

Do not allow yourself to consider for a second that this is anything other than her issues. We can see she's got serious issues/phobias/ocd and none of us doubt you have a clean tidy house. You don't need to defend your housekeeping to us, and you don't need to defend your housekeeping to her. Do. Not. Engage.

If she challenges your lack of response, say "well obviously I disagree, were all still alive and well here", then grey rock.

I see.
Well she obviously hasn’t changed.
And as to your extended family.
It also doesn’t matter what they think about your housekeeping either.
(it sounds perfectly normal to me and I’m very house proud)
I wouldn’t dream of telling my adult kids how to run their homes.
or my nieces and nephews ,,,
id be going back lc/nc again as soon as possible