To tell my mum never to come to my house again

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

Royally pissed off.

my mum is an absolute nut job when it comes to cleaning, I grew up in a sterile house that I was scared to eat in because my mum would go mental about crumbs etc. she would spend all day every day cleaning, going around everywhere with a white cloth every surface got cleaned every day and we couldn’t leave the house until everywhere was cleaned top to bottom.

every time she comes to my house she makes a comment that it’s a mess or filthy. It is not. I am known amongst my friends for being a neat/clean freak myself (obviously not to the extent my mother is). It pisses me off every time and I’ve told her over and over it’s out of line.

today, she’s came around (I’m in the middle of having a clear out before Christmas but have about 1 meter square of a pile of stuff I’m about to throw away). My DC playing in their room (for once!) their toy box emptied onto their bedroom floor. Que tutting and huffing from my mum followed by “wow you really need a good clean in this house” I asked what she was talking about? She’d literally came in and gone straight upstairs. She said she’s “concerned” for my wellbeing and thinks I don’t realise I’m living in squalor. Things she’s pointed out:

• apparently there’s always clothes strewn about (this is not the case, she’s referring to my washing being hung out on an electric airer)
• apparently the bins are always overflowing (again not the case, on occasion my cardboard/recycling bin will have things on top waiting to be taken out if I’m doing something in the kitchen)
• always dishes in the sink (we have usually just had lunch when she announces herself, dishes go in the dishwasher but a few things I wash by hand)
• the dogs bowls being out (is he not allowed to eat and drink? Our pets as kids were not allowed bowls had to eat off tin foil to be thrown away)
• apaprently it’s chaos, everything is unorganised. I asked for examples she said she doesn’t know as she came straight upstairs.
• my office is a tip. (This is the one room I allow to be a mess - craft type space - nobody goes in there so I don’t even know how she’s seen it
• my out houses are a mess (they’re used for literal storage of garden tools and decorations)
• the main bathroom is apparently disgusting (on checking there’s a small blob of toothpaste in the sink from DC.
• my spare (unused) room is a mess - currently got 4 storage boxes of clothes stacked for Vinted.
• she rummages through all my drawers pulls everything out and starts refolding everything
• she says I have no pride or care for my home and seemingly myself.

im absolutely fuming. I wish I could take pictures and post them to show you but it may be outing. I’m insulted and I’ve just told her not to bother coming around in future. The fact she’s tried to angle it as a wellbeing concern has pissed me off no end as she knows I’ve got a lot on at the moment. Apparently she’s noticed it over the last 2 years??? Not only that but I’m dumbfounded she thinks it’s a mess when anyone that comes here comments on how nice it is. Long history of my mum being controlling and narcissistic. She’s commented on the size of my house being “too much to keep up with”. At the end of Isummer she done similar about garden furniture (that’s under an oak tree) having a couple of leaves and a singular paw print from our dog on it and about garden toys being out - we were having a garden day! FWIW I live in a large rural house.

I know it’s untrue and told her such, but she makes me feel like I’m going insane. Doubling down with “I’m concerned you don’t realise”. But I’m known for being house proud? AIBU to just block her from coming going forward? I’m supposed to be hosting Christmas (as always) and can’t be arsed with it.

You can still have a lovely Christmas with just your DC and a peaceful one. I get you might be feeling vulnerable right now but honestly it doesn’t sound like your mum is supportive anyway so spending less time with her is probably for the best. Make 2026 the year you get your life back on track for you and your DC. It is just one day so enjoy just focusing on you and do what you want without criticism when DC goes to their dad. Are other family members equally awful? Can you reach out to one supportive one?

Think your Mum needed help a long time ago from a therapist SHE'S the one with issues. -your house sounds far neater than mine!

I did have a friend with OCD who it was easier to meet up with in a cafe than have her come to mine!

Thank you. I got quite emotional reading this. I just wish it could hurry up come and go. It’s a horrible time of year for me due to my dear dear dad’s sudden passing near Christmas 3 years ago. Truly tragic. 50 and no health problems literally sudden death was the cause. All of this on top of it plus everything else that’s going on in my personal life (losing my business, becoming a single parent, housing issues on the horizon, financial difficulties now which were completely unprecedented, car trouble - living rurally I rely on it, my health both mental and physical) it’s all getting too much to deal with.

Your mum: LI see a woman who is herself in need of help. But I doubt she'd seek it out.

You are in a terrible place right now and I'm sorry this has all happened to you. Cancel Christmas. You can't and shouldn't be expected to shoulder it. Let everyone know now you're focussing on your children and your own wellbeing and don't even think of taking on the extra work that is Christmas hosting. Gives them plenty of time to make other plans.

This will of course be taken by everyone as meaning that your mother is right ... Because she partly is. You're struggling. Could they possibly even offer some help?

This sums it up so well. It’s all about control!

Another person here applauding @toomuchfaff ’s PP yesterday. Spot on analysis. You don’t need to subscribe to your mother’s mental illness, especially when it may be underpinning your own MH struggles.

'And I'm your daughter and I'm telling you to fuck off because it's my right to.'

Say no and mean it. You do not need to let anyone criticise you ever. Let alone in your own home and your own mother. You intrusive thoughts I assume tell you that this is ungrateful or that in some way you are bad or deserve this. it's ok as an adult and a parent to just stop allowing her to do this to you, I'm not saying it's easy, it's not but for your own sanity it's worth it.

After a lifetime of boundary violations and being raised by a disordered personality, no wonder you're fed up. I'm so sorry - I can keenly empathise as I grew up with people like this, and then broke free, and then unwittingly married into a family like this. At 44 I've finally extricated myself and have done a lot of therapy to work through how it affected me and my self-esteem and to heal from the trauma - because it is trauma, even if the abuse isn't physical. I'm learning how to have boundaries. Sometimes, with particularly abusive, narcissistic and controlling people, the only way to deal with them is not to deal with them at all.

Life is peaceful now, and I only allow people into my life who accept, love and support me for who I am. But it has been incredibly difficult up until now as I was always taught to put others' needs above my own and sacrifice myself, to be a doormat. I don't have practical advice as you'll need to figure out what works for you in terms of low contact or no contact.

Being around your mother's toxicity will negatively affect your children, even if it doesn't seem like it. They will see the way she mistreats and disrespects you and your autonomy as an individual.

It is so hard being born to parents who hurt us instead of help us. We didn't get the parents we needed. You deserve to be loved and appreciated. I'm glad you have barred her from your house. Hosting Christmas there would be an exhausting, depressing nightmare and I'm glad you've realised you don't want to do it. Why should you? Don't let anyone tell you you are being selfish. You are protecting your and your family's peace and sanity.

Honestly people like this astound me - how they think they are warranted in behaving this way and treating others this way - I can't understand it. We can't allow them to continue hurting us; we have to break free, as this life is short. I've decided that after a lifetime of this kind of relational misery, I'm not wasting one more second of my life on horrible, toxic people who are unable to treat others with kindness and respect.

If your mother contacts family members and sends her flying monkeys to call you, just take it as an opportunity to rescind their Christmas invitations - unless they want to host at their own house. Deny all knowledge about what your mother is going on about and just say she has seemed a bit confused lately. I don't mean to be offensive but you sound like an utter doormat to this horrible unbalanced woman and the rest of her equally hygiene obsessed family members. My own mother was much tidier and neater than me but she contented herself with neatening round the edges a bit when she stayed.

Now I am usually all for including older family members or those who would otherwise be spending Christmas alone as part of the Christmas Day celebration but your mother and her family sounds utterly unpleasant. I would have no hesitation in telling them they were no longer invited. They have more than a month to organise an alternative Christmas - they can buy the food, cook it and put up with the wear and tear on their houses for a change - your days of providing a venue for family parties are over. You can enjoy Christmas with your family without the awful presence of your mother. Being a mother does not give you permission to say whatever hurtful things spring to mind. I mean would you do that to your children? You wouldn't say, for example, "Why Clementine what a simply enormous spot you have glowing in the middle of your nose".

Update:

subsequently fallen out with another family member as a result of all this! As I’m not hosting, everyone is now going to that family members for Xmas. I’ll be spending Xmas alone. The best part is my mums husband has suggested they host (in the sterile asylum!) of course my mum has said absolutely not as she doesn’t want the mess. So it boils down to she’s happy for me to be completely alone on Xmas rather than have a bit of mess 🙃.

things have worsened with my ex too. Mum is now doing the usual thing of fiercly defending him saying he’s not doing anything wrong (by not giving me maintenance until next year) then switches and says he’s wrong. Then back again.

it’s all so very draining

Honestly OP, its one day.
You will feel empower if you stick to your guns.
Your mother is a horror.

Do you want your life to be peaceful?
If so then do the heavy lifting to get to that place.
It will be so worth it.

Have Pj day with your daughter. Play games, watch movies, eat chocolate. Don’t let your child go with your ex. Tell him it’s not convenient for you. Protect your own peace.

Well you can plan a fab Christmas day now! As hard as it is, don't engage in the family shit show.

Babes, she wouldn't bother saying any of that shit if she didn't get a kick from whatever reaction she gets.

Grey rock her ass.

She's more than earned it.

When you say alone, does that mean no DD either now?

Even if so, Xmas on your own is far better than an Xmas putting up with that shit.

SPOIL YOURSELF!

Cheese and champagne in your PJ's at 8am? Yup!!

A plate sized yorkshire pudding filled with pigs in blankets and gravy? Yup!!

A whole gateaux/cheesecake/profiterole stack to yourself - Whoop!!

Wrapped presents to yourself with treats that stretch into the new year (Wowcher is chocker with afternoon tea offers and spa days etc).

The rose toy - for every day but especially that one 😂

And all delightfully free of moaning and pointing out dust!

Thank you so much. Yes now includes dd as she’s chosen to go be around all her similar age relatives at her dads understandably, there’ll be around 15 kids. Your plan sounds great though I may model it!!!

My mum was like this, criticised every thing I did, it’s about control, she can’t bear to see you as an adult, so treats you like a child. It wouldn’t matter if your house was spotless, she would find something to criticise. Cut contact.

Op enjoy Christmas with your children. You will be exhausted by the evening. Run a deep bath, chat to a friend and enjoy the peace.

Your mother is very ill, and she needs professional help, she is going to struggle in that setting at Christmas.

Love your home. Be happy. Let her go.

When my house got really messy she refused to keep coming- problem solved.

Have a peaceful Christmas the way you want. Buy the food and drink you want. Make the day as cosy and relaxing as you can. Have a nice walk somewhere. Eat delicious food that's really easy to prepare/bung in the oven. Put your feet up with some favourite festive films/TV, listen to music you enjoy, have a favourite drink and enjoy the fact you have perfect peace without anyone else to spoil it. Zero stress. Put a gift for yourself under the tree that you will enjoy using.

The fact you will have the day completely to yourself sounds amazing the more I think about it. Zero responsibilities and an excuse to be as indulgent as you like. How often in life as a single parent do you get to do that? To truly pamper yourself and make the most of the festive feeling without any of the stress of dealing with family. Bliss! Then you can have a 2nd sort of christmas day when your daughter is home but make actual Christmas day entirely about you for once!!!

People who are inconsistent ARE emotionally draining !

Just keep telling her she has a mental illness and ask when she’s going to do something about it every single time she says something about your house.
Actually I think I would just tell her to fuck off in the end tbf or run around the house messing things up right in front of her face or better still go to her house and do it there 🤣

Hope you and DC had a nice relaxing Xmas without her OP.

Tell your Mum her opinion is unkind and not wanted. Also she needs some professional help for that level of OCD. Life is too short to be fussing about a few toys on the floor etc.

There's no point getting into an argument on her terms. None.

So you either refuse to engage - which I think is called 'grey rocking' here.

Or, rather less maturely but it's the one I'd go for - you agree with her.

"I know - it's filthy isn't it? The place is a tip. But we rather like it. I mean, it saves so much time once you decide never to hoover or put things away or do the washing up. Honestly, I'm so much happier now that I don't give a fuck. Do you want a stale Digestive with your tea? The mug's only been used a couple of times."