To tell my mum never to come to my house again

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

Royally pissed off.

my mum is an absolute nut job when it comes to cleaning, I grew up in a sterile house that I was scared to eat in because my mum would go mental about crumbs etc. she would spend all day every day cleaning, going around everywhere with a white cloth every surface got cleaned every day and we couldn’t leave the house until everywhere was cleaned top to bottom.

every time she comes to my house she makes a comment that it’s a mess or filthy. It is not. I am known amongst my friends for being a neat/clean freak myself (obviously not to the extent my mother is). It pisses me off every time and I’ve told her over and over it’s out of line.

today, she’s came around (I’m in the middle of having a clear out before Christmas but have about 1 meter square of a pile of stuff I’m about to throw away). My DC playing in their room (for once!) their toy box emptied onto their bedroom floor. Que tutting and huffing from my mum followed by “wow you really need a good clean in this house” I asked what she was talking about? She’d literally came in and gone straight upstairs. She said she’s “concerned” for my wellbeing and thinks I don’t realise I’m living in squalor. Things she’s pointed out:

• apparently there’s always clothes strewn about (this is not the case, she’s referring to my washing being hung out on an electric airer)
• apparently the bins are always overflowing (again not the case, on occasion my cardboard/recycling bin will have things on top waiting to be taken out if I’m doing something in the kitchen)
• always dishes in the sink (we have usually just had lunch when she announces herself, dishes go in the dishwasher but a few things I wash by hand)
• the dogs bowls being out (is he not allowed to eat and drink? Our pets as kids were not allowed bowls had to eat off tin foil to be thrown away)
• apaprently it’s chaos, everything is unorganised. I asked for examples she said she doesn’t know as she came straight upstairs.
• my office is a tip. (This is the one room I allow to be a mess - craft type space - nobody goes in there so I don’t even know how she’s seen it
• my out houses are a mess (they’re used for literal storage of garden tools and decorations)
• the main bathroom is apparently disgusting (on checking there’s a small blob of toothpaste in the sink from DC.
• my spare (unused) room is a mess - currently got 4 storage boxes of clothes stacked for Vinted.
• she rummages through all my drawers pulls everything out and starts refolding everything
• she says I have no pride or care for my home and seemingly myself.

im absolutely fuming. I wish I could take pictures and post them to show you but it may be outing. I’m insulted and I’ve just told her not to bother coming around in future. The fact she’s tried to angle it as a wellbeing concern has pissed me off no end as she knows I’ve got a lot on at the moment. Apparently she’s noticed it over the last 2 years??? Not only that but I’m dumbfounded she thinks it’s a mess when anyone that comes here comments on how nice it is. Long history of my mum being controlling and narcissistic. She’s commented on the size of my house being “too much to keep up with”. At the end of Isummer she done similar about garden furniture (that’s under an oak tree) having a couple of leaves and a singular paw print from our dog on it and about garden toys being out - we were having a garden day! FWIW I live in a large rural house.

I know it’s untrue and told her such, but she makes me feel like I’m going insane. Doubling down with “I’m concerned you don’t realise”. But I’m known for being house proud? AIBU to just block her from coming going forward? I’m supposed to be hosting Christmas (as always) and can’t be arsed with it.

I know a mother/daughter in this same situation. You have my sympathy as nothing seems to stop the mother.

This is genius. Every time she does it, ask her if she’s booked in some therapy yet.

Spot on. Tell her she's insufferable and make it clear that you've a choice whether you see her or not.

You could - legitimately - turn the concern back on her and tell you think she's very mentally unwell and needs help. That does seem to be the case but not your problem.

Although the fact pets were allowed in the house at all is unusual.

• apparently there’s always clothes strewn about (this is not the case, she’s referring to my washing being hung out on an electric airer)
• apparently the bins are always overflowing (again not the case, on occasion my cardboard/recycling bin will have things on top waiting to be taken out if I’m doing something in the kitchen)
• always dishes in the sink (we have usually just had lunch when she announces herself, dishes go in the dishwasher but a few things I wash by hand)
• the dogs bowls being out (is he not allowed to eat and drink? Our pets as kids were not allowed bowls had to eat off tin foil to be thrown away)
• apaprently it’s chaos, everything is unorganised. I asked for examples she said she doesn’t know as she came straight upstairs.
• my office is a tip. (This is the one room I allow to be a mess - craft type space - nobody goes in there so I don’t even know how she’s seen it
• my out houses are a mess (they’re used for literal storage of garden tools and decorations)
• the main bathroom is apparently disgusting (on checking there’s a small blob of toothpaste in the sink from DC.
• my spare (unused) room is a mess - currently got 4 storage boxes of clothes stacked for Vinted.
• she rummages through all my drawers pulls everything out and starts refolding everything
• she says I have no pride or care for my home and seemingly myself.

see this list you've made....

it doesn't matter

you repeat constantly at every single criticism she makes

its not your household and I don't care what you as a neat freak think, get help for your obsession

its normal to live in a house with as much mess as you want or not

your mother is the problem, not the state of your home

I have a similar mother. We are pretty much bc now. Sympathies.

Omg I fucking love this. Mine does that I'm your mother shit too when destroying my appearance/friends/career/choices.

My PIL has undiagnosed OCD. He is also c controlling. He loves to mention adhdweight gain. Real or imagined.
In the end my DH has told him that he ever mentions his weight again he will either immediately leave or never be invited again. It has surprisingly worked. Occasionally a reminder is required but it works.

Long history of my mum being controlling and narcissistic. She’s commented on the size of my house being “too much to keep up with”.

She's angling to move in, under the guise of you "needing her to help you because you're not coping". She gets to live rent free, exercise control over you all, whilst maintaining martyr/hero status as your "saviour" for doing this "selfless" act and have everyone fawn over her as a result.

If you don't want to cause WWlll see if you can book somewhere at a restaurant for Christmas dinner and don't forget to book the taxi to take her home afterwards! Then suck up her behaviour during the meal, try to enjoy not cooking and escape home to peace with your family afterwards, knowing it's the last time you'll let her ruin Christmas Day for you all. In future you can visit her on boxing day in her home for an hour or something.

If you don't care about WWlll and are considering going NC (justified IMO) then just tell her she's right and you're doing too much and will focus on resting more from now on, so Christmas hosting is cancelled and no you can't spend the day at hers, you're going to have a restful day at home and will drop by for a bit on boxing day. Then if she kicks off you just go NC.

My late mother got totally obsessed with brexit in the couple of years before she died and insisted in repeatedly banging on about it. I lost my temper and said “if you raise it again, I will leave”. She did, so I did! Only took a couple of times of following through before she realised I was serious and stopped. Could you do something similar and make her leave if she starts?

Your mum sounds overbearing and disrespectful. Your house sounds perfectly normal - you have children too? I have 3. Always toys out, recycling bin needs taken out daily and I'm constantly changing nappies so the nappies are always within reach. It's life. My house isn't dirty or unclean, or messy at that. It's lived in. Your mum needs to wind her neck in a bit or she'll find herself not allowed into the home. I don't know how you have coped with these comments all your life!

She either shuts up or you don’t have her round. Simple. Set boundaries and stick to them - I’d have banned her ages ago, she sounds insufferable. While you’re at it stop having gatherings at your house if you don’t want to. Jeez, life’s too short to put up with shit.

Laugh at her
Poke fun at her
Show her you think she's being rediculous

It will show her you're not interested in her opinion
More importantly it will reinforce to yourself that you're happy with the way you live and run your home.

It's your mum's issue, not yours

Id just tell her straight from now you will go to her house to see her as having her at your house stresses you out to much.

Everything is "outing" on Mumsnet because so many of the posters have such small lives that they can't imagine other people's husbands going cycling, or that anybody else could work for a company like Vodafone or Tesco.

It's quite entertaining honestly.

This was probably outing to them, too.

Without knowing your mirror obviously but there are definitely mirrors which distort size slighty, a well know retailer definitely had 'slimming' mirrors in it's changing rooms. It might just be the old glass in it or something but they are not all accurate reflections. Irrelevant I know in light of the other stuff!

Nothing you say will change her so you can allow yourself to relax and to stop trying.
There is no magical way to get her to see that she's hurting you and that she's wrong.
So what can you do? You can disengage. She brings it up, you say nothing, you say hmm or you say I'm leaving and you go.

Its your house. What your mother thinks is irrelevant. The end

I have told her not to come going forward. Unfortunately, I know I’ll be talked about amongst her and my GM my aunts etc. I hate the feeling of being talked about and my whole life she’s bitched about me to them in one way or another. Always giving her biased side. I hate the feeling and it does upset me. I’ll expect a call in a day or two from concerned relatives offering a hand.

it’s frustrating because I’ve kept my mum out of my business and life for thirty something years. Sadly due to a new change of circumstances I’ve had to involve her in my life to an extent and now I feel isolated by the fact. My family will 100% be getting told about my house, though most will side with her as they’re equally insane about cleaning.

Just tell her every time…no mum, it’s not the mirror that makes you look fat….

she’ll soon stop coming round.

Send one final text, that she is no longer welcome at your home, to stay away.
And block her.

Take a break for 6 months and see how you feel.

You have tolerated too much for too long.

YANBU.

You're clearly used to the position of defending yourself against this woman.

Stop that, and stop trying to live up to her standards. Why are you happy that your house is cleaner or tidier than your friends' houses? That's your mother's voice (or disease) living rent free in your head.

Assert your independence.

You should tell her that your house is exactly the way you like it, and if it distresses her to see it, then she's welcome to stay away. You can also tell her that if she does choose to continue visiting, the bedrooms are off limits.

This woman is on a power trip.

My mum was a clean freak. She never worked - she wouldn’t have had time as she was constantly cleaning. She used to mop her huge kitchen floor 3x a day 😂

Just laugh at your mum’s comments. It’s not worth falling out over.

Ps - unless you’re a waiter in a Cornish hotel, it’s ‘cue’.

Well OP, if you will insist on tying her to a chair, placing it right in front of the mirror and sellotaping her eyes open.... Oh, you're not doing that? Then you (and your mirror) are not the problem.

My guess is she doesn't have anything nearly as nice as this in her house and jealousy makes her want you not to have anything this nice either.

I hope you're saying no to all these family events at your house too. The trouble with narcissistic people is they believe they own you and therefore anything you own is theirs too, to do with as they wish.

You don't have to put up with any of it. If she can't agree that you have a right to autonomy over your own life, then she is making herself someone it's impossible for you to spend time with. It's not at all unreasonable to not want to be controlled.