To tell my mum never to come to my house again

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

Royally pissed off.

my mum is an absolute nut job when it comes to cleaning, I grew up in a sterile house that I was scared to eat in because my mum would go mental about crumbs etc. she would spend all day every day cleaning, going around everywhere with a white cloth every surface got cleaned every day and we couldn’t leave the house until everywhere was cleaned top to bottom.

every time she comes to my house she makes a comment that it’s a mess or filthy. It is not. I am known amongst my friends for being a neat/clean freak myself (obviously not to the extent my mother is). It pisses me off every time and I’ve told her over and over it’s out of line.

today, she’s came around (I’m in the middle of having a clear out before Christmas but have about 1 meter square of a pile of stuff I’m about to throw away). My DC playing in their room (for once!) their toy box emptied onto their bedroom floor. Que tutting and huffing from my mum followed by “wow you really need a good clean in this house” I asked what she was talking about? She’d literally came in and gone straight upstairs. She said she’s “concerned” for my wellbeing and thinks I don’t realise I’m living in squalor. Things she’s pointed out:

• apparently there’s always clothes strewn about (this is not the case, she’s referring to my washing being hung out on an electric airer)
• apparently the bins are always overflowing (again not the case, on occasion my cardboard/recycling bin will have things on top waiting to be taken out if I’m doing something in the kitchen)
• always dishes in the sink (we have usually just had lunch when she announces herself, dishes go in the dishwasher but a few things I wash by hand)
• the dogs bowls being out (is he not allowed to eat and drink? Our pets as kids were not allowed bowls had to eat off tin foil to be thrown away)
• apaprently it’s chaos, everything is unorganised. I asked for examples she said she doesn’t know as she came straight upstairs.
• my office is a tip. (This is the one room I allow to be a mess - craft type space - nobody goes in there so I don’t even know how she’s seen it
• my out houses are a mess (they’re used for literal storage of garden tools and decorations)
• the main bathroom is apparently disgusting (on checking there’s a small blob of toothpaste in the sink from DC.
• my spare (unused) room is a mess - currently got 4 storage boxes of clothes stacked for Vinted.
• she rummages through all my drawers pulls everything out and starts refolding everything
• she says I have no pride or care for my home and seemingly myself.

im absolutely fuming. I wish I could take pictures and post them to show you but it may be outing. I’m insulted and I’ve just told her not to bother coming around in future. The fact she’s tried to angle it as a wellbeing concern has pissed me off no end as she knows I’ve got a lot on at the moment. Apparently she’s noticed it over the last 2 years??? Not only that but I’m dumbfounded she thinks it’s a mess when anyone that comes here comments on how nice it is. Long history of my mum being controlling and narcissistic. She’s commented on the size of my house being “too much to keep up with”. At the end of Isummer she done similar about garden furniture (that’s under an oak tree) having a couple of leaves and a singular paw print from our dog on it and about garden toys being out - we were having a garden day! FWIW I live in a large rural house.

I know it’s untrue and told her such, but she makes me feel like I’m going insane. Doubling down with “I’m concerned you don’t realise”. But I’m known for being house proud? AIBU to just block her from coming going forward? I’m supposed to be hosting Christmas (as always) and can’t be arsed with it.

I was going to post about the Flying Monkeys that will be arriving soon but this post says everything I was going to say. You can brush them off with warmth and still stand your ground.

If you’re using your M to vent though, have you got another way to find support? A friend or relative or maybe you could start to write things down when the DC are in bed?

So you feel isolated and ring your dm to vent….. and the pay off is ‘your dm comes round and criticises your home’.
You do realise that now she’s said she won’t come round , your sound board / venting / and sorry , but emotional dumping on your dm will most likely stop.
You need to find away to outsource your feeling to someone other than dm.
The cost is too great.

Sorry but thats such a narcissistic reply off your mum. At least you won though and she wont be coming around anymore! Hope you can finally relax op.

That sounds awful to have your house criticized like that. However it does sound a bit messy which I know is besides the point.

It really doesn't sound messy at all. Perhaps you have the same problem as the OP's mother?

I agree it doesn't at all. I feel someone saying this can not have been to a genuinely messy house.

Oh and come and vent on here OP.

Give yourself the gift of not hosting Christmas this year.

She would be absolutely horrified by my house! I think it needs to be an ultimatum, either she stops making comments or she cannot come round.

My parent made comments when visiting - I said well it's not you who lives here, it's my house and I can live how I want.

That allows for their interpretation to be true for them without impacting me.

You could also say why don't you sit quietly on the sofa / in the garden etc.

“I agree Mum. It’s best you don’t come round any more”.

She’s just playing chicken with you in the expectation that you’ll back down.

Update:

more unfolded last night with other family members. I’m done with the drama and I won’t be in touch going forward. This morning I’ve called my mum and said I won’t be hosting Christmas, and to pass on the message as others didn’t pick up the phone. All seems well with my mum who’s now backtracked and said she’s already said that she respects my wishes in saying she’s not entitled to criticise my house so she won’t do it going forward. I said you didn’t say that it’s there in black and white. She said she did 🤷‍♀️ typical really. She says she thinks it’s for the best that I don’t host. So now I just need to figure out what Christmas Day will look like for me and DC alone. They’ll be going to their dads in the evening.

miserable all round!

Honestly OP, a peaceful quiet Christmas is better than a toxic shit show anyday.
Its one day.

She sounds nuts ! Suggest to her that you both stay in your own homes where you are each comfortable in future as you have zero intention of changing & wouldn’t want her to feel uncomfortable in your “filthy” home !

Christ, she's a manipulative one, isn't she?!

She's not after a solution, she's after you both accepting blame AND being punished on Xmas day!

Feck her.

I'd be taking all of that money you'll be saving by not hosting and booking a lovely Xmas treat for you and DD. A little weekend away or a show or something?

Don't let her ruin what can still be a lovely Xmas day for the two of you. No need to do it all traditionally - do it exactly how the two of you would enjoy it most.

Nothing wrong with eating turkey & enough roast tatties to feed a family of 8 on the sofa, in matching Xmas PJs & reindeer antlers whilst singing along to KPop Demon Hunters, if that's what DD fancies!

It can still be a happy, magical, free do do whatever you want to day.

Do you have siblings or friends who you can pop to see on Xmas day evening, after DD goes to Dads?

That's not what the OP said at all. The mum can think what she likes but she needs to learn to keep her mouth shut. Having a mental health issue does not give anyone a right to be rude and insulting to others, especially when told to stop it.

Thank you. I got quite emotional reading this. I just wish it could hurry up come and go. It’s a horrible time of year for me due to my dear dear dad’s sudden passing near Christmas 3 years ago. Truly tragic. 50 and no health problems literally sudden death was the cause. All of this on top of it plus everything else that’s going on in my personal life (losing my business, becoming a single parent, housing issues on the horizon, financial difficulties now which were completely unprecedented, car trouble - living rurally I rely on it, my health both mental and physical) it’s all getting too much to deal with.

You do realise @Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread that there’s nothing to be annoyed about as such? It sounds like this is a mental health problem of her’s. You need a clear mental boundary and just grey rock the topic, she has an actual problem, you don’t (but I feel from your post that you feel need to justify yourself, I really think you don’t, just don’t waste any more energy thinking about it)

I'm so sorry OP.
That all sounds very hard, especially such a huge loss in your father.
You are not alone, we are here for you.

I'm so sorry your life is so stressful at the moment @Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread . It sounds like you know you need really good boundaries with your mum and family and usually have these in place. Is she really a help to you with your separation?

I would send 'as per my message, Christmas is cancelled' and leave it at that. As you say, no point in engaging if she going to lie about what she's just typed.

She's not coming round? Result.

Christmas will be amazing. The kids will be able to enjoy themselves without anybody bitching about the mess or hovering around to snatch the wrapping paper and boxes out of their hands before they've even opened the present fully, no fuss about if one of them drops a little bit of food or spills their drink, you won't be told that you'll have to get the kitchen spotless before sitting down to watch whatever kids' thing is on the TV, no panic about a Christmas tree decoration falling off a branch...and once they've been bundled into the car to have a second Christmas, you'll have a quiet, still time where you can sit outside and watch the stars before coming in, having a bath, leaving the wet towel on the floor whilst you get dressed, eating whatever you like without a plate and not having to put everybody else's needs above your own.

But she can't do these things unless you let her. I know it feels impossible but you train her like a dog - you leave when she starts, she doesn't come in., You put the phone down, you usher her out of the house, you don't let her back in. You need to regain your agency. You can't stop her saying the stuff but you can control whether you listen to it. So, no you are not unreasonable to not have her round.

Oh, luv. It's such a lot to deal with.

I wish I could give you a big old hug.

It's pretty amazing that you've garnered the strength to put down boundaries with your (bloody difficult!) DM at the moment, with everything else that's going on, you know?

Many people never manage to stand up for themselves like that, ever.

Please be kind to yourself in the run up to Xmas.

What would Dad want for you?

I'm sure he would want you both safe and happy.

You're free to do whatever you want to, now. You don't need loads of money to make DD happy. You being present rather than rushing around all day catering for others is an extra gift to her in itself.

Have you checked if anyone in your village is good with cars? I've been saved a few times in a crisis by locals. Does it have a WI group or anything? You need a gaggle of women to help you through all this. Even if just with the occasional brew and a slice of cake.

We can only help you with words but we're here. Xmas day too, I'm sure, if you're struggling.

You're doing such a good job, you know.x.

Definitely ban her.

That level of explaining from you is pointless , you may as well be speaking Latin, she doesn't want to understand. She isn't doing the things she does because you haven't adequately explained how it makes you feel - you have explained and she does not care, her needs trump yours. It is sent now so you can't do anything but, going forward, I urge you to not justify your house or tell her why she is wrong, less words, grey rock, cut her out of your life.

If you were about to be eaten by a bear, would you try and justify to the bear why it shouldn't eat you? Nope you would spend your energy running away - your mum may as well be the bear in this scenario.