Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

Rather than seeing taking a step back (with the gifts, notes etc) as withdrawing or game playing, reframe it as giving him space to step forward. You've become hyper fixated on everything he does or doesn't do now and he's probably feeling that. If he senses the expectation and constant gestures have eased off, he might feel more free and willing to act.

Apologies if you already answered this, but all the gestures you do to show love - are they what he wants? Has he said those things have the desired effect? If not, what would have more emotional impact for him?

I didnt even get cards on occasions but I do think my husband loved me but I let the lack of affectation get to me

I am going to guess that you know him working all hours is him showing he loved you and wants to provide for you that at he like you does things to show love
notes are a very female thing unfortunately
if it was me I’d text him something like oh I’ve been shopping picked up x cause I know you like it love you then see what the reply is if it’s wow thanks love you too then you have your ‘note’ if it’s nothing then you text the next day oh I wanted to get x for today then wait until he mentions it and say you didn’t text me back so I left it I can get it but let me know… sounds to me like you guys don’t communicate and you haven’t worked out the rules of engagement yet
Men don’t think like women and that’s the crux of it
you want reassurance that you are loved so. You have to work out what he does that shows that and have an honest conversation about it fixing the shelf changing your oil making sure you have the things you need are all ways to show love notes are a little bit extra oh you can always call him and say just wanted to say I love you 🥰 if he put the phone down without responding then there ya go lol 😂

This. The op is young and child free. He is never there and doesn’t make any attempt to make her feel connected to him in any other way. She sees him about as much as she might see one of the waiters at the local coffee shop except the waiter will be awake and might say hello. Time to work out the plan to separate.

It’s utter bullshit to say men like this are showing their love through working hard. They work hard while they have affairs and they’d work just as hard if they were single. They do it for themselves. My dh suggested he worked hard for me once and I said that’s great because it doesn’t make me feel valued at all so now you know that you can be home by 5 and cook dinner as that’s what would make me feel loved. So he’s never tried to sell me bullshit like that again.

I disagree with you and that’s ok
men do work hard to show worth they do cheat and they are single but most men work hard for their families to pay the bills to provide and that isn’t to belittle or downgrade women who work
Men and women have different ways to show love sure you spoke to your husband and said hey work less cook me dinner instead of killing yourself working all the hours that’s important and valid shows you both communicates need and compromise
that doesn’t negate the fact that a man working is part of love multiple things can be true at once

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to want some sign of him thinking about you, given that you hardly see each other. It is similar with my husband in that work means we do not see each other all that often - he works a very busy and high stress job, and still manages to text me throughout the day either updating me on something that has happened, a funny story, or just a simple “I love you!”
He also is a note writer. I am not. These men do exist, but it’s either in their nature or it’s not. It sounds like your husband is not, and trying to make him conform to that could lead to stress and resentment on his end. I don’t know what the answer is but I do understand what you’re saying!

He works long hours, you see very little of each other.
When you do see him, are you whining on at him all the time, or do you keep it light and breezy?

Is the marriage even worth pursuing if you are in therapy when it is such early days?

I have to say, I know my husband loves me precisely because he does work the long hours to support our family, selflessly arriving home extremely late at night after a long drive. Little notes, a particular mug, a special biscuit aren't ever going to be his love language. When you start looking at what he DOES do to show love - in his own terms - rather than expecting him to show love the way YOU do - you'll be a lot happier.

What was he like before you married him?

He sounds very considerate and caring to me. I think you have unrealistic expectations.

Me and DH have a similar work routine - we barely see each other on working days apart from quick chats over the kids etc. I never make him breakfast if he’s sleeping etc. What matters really is how well you reconnect when you’re together - what do you do as a couple when you have a day that’s just yours together etc?

You are trying to turn him into someone he isn't!
You sound very needy-maybe try yo work on yourself first? How are weekends? Do you have any fun together then?

My husband and I would do notes letting each other know we love each other. When he passed of a long illness at HH, I found a note at home letting me know how much he loved me. I pray your husband's attitude changes. Life is short.

Well as you can see a fair amount of us wouldn't even have time for form a text as work zone is work..I couldn't be with someone who comes accross so needy tbh. The fact my hubby will open doors, carry bags stuff like that shows me more than enough he cares I don't need cookies and weird cups..Hubby recently looked after me all weekend when I had a bad flu bug and again that meant more than all the stuff your mentioning which is more superficial tbh

This sounds like torture OP.

Everybody has different ways they want to live in their relationships, please ignore any posters who are trying to tell you this is your problem.

You have laid out what you expect and he's just not respecting you enough or doesn't understand the issue enough to do anything about it.

I'd feel exactly the same, I couldn't be a weekend wife. At this stage its still meant to be fun.

Personally I think it sounds like its a fundamental personality difference. Even a therapist and you explaining this can't get through to him. He should want to be close to you and showing you he cares.

Have you thought about ending it to see if it shows him how serious you are about this?

OP. This is complete pie in the sky, with the way things are ATM. You’re already having major problems and you don’t have any kids!!!! My husband and I were deliriously happy when we didn’t have children. His job was nowhere near as full on as your husband’s - having him come home at 1900 when the witching hour with our son was done and dusted and I was totally exhausted was bad enough! Our son’s 6 now and our relationship looks very very different. When kids come into the mix, there is a LOT more opportunity for conflict, believe me. Particularly in the early days when you’re both not getting anywhere near enough sleep! As a PP said: this is not the busiest phase of your life as a married couple, not by a long chalk.

Ignore all the cool wives on here saying you’re needy wanting a text while he’s at work. Unless he’s in charge of stopping a nuclear power plant meltdown 24/7, nobody is THAT busy.

My husband nearly always checks in by text during the day - just a wee “How are you getting on?”

this guy’s married to his job and things are unlikely to change when you have kids. Unless you want never to see him AND to be responsible for kids and any employed work you choose to have while also taking on most, if not all, of the childcare - leave now.

Also read the Gottmanns: the 7 principles of a good marriage. Best book on marriage I’ve ever read.

💯 %: they do it because they want to. My husband does it because he’s ambitious and likes the prestige, status and a nice lifestyle. Men are fundamentally MUCH more selfish than women.

This reaction is very common not only with ADHD so looking for ND is a red herring and quite possibly unhelpful for OP, as it will further put the responsibility in DH court for not doing enough.

My guess was that OP had quite set and possibly unrealistic expecrations of the relationship based on her previous experience, now triggered by mismatch between her and husband's needs. Unless they BOTH take responsibility for communicating and understanding each other, I don't see how things will change here.

No, she hasn't. His lovely, caring qualities:

Will carry suitcases, the shopping bags etc. He’ll offer me the best seat.

• He's got good manners. Should be a basic minimum.

He is very sweet about my personal safety ie I will say I’m catching the train to go to meet friends. He used to give me lifts but now will insist on booking me a taxi.

• That's nice, but it's not much. She can book taxis, too.

He’s interested in my take on world events. He appreciates I have opinions.

• This matters - but is it happening now? When? Not during the week, when THEY DO NOT SPEAK. He's only half there when he is at home: are they having fascinating debates about world events? I think OP would've said so.

He's taking you for granted, @Borae. I'm sorry. I've lived through similar and it's horrible. Feeling alone in a relationship is way worse than actually being alone. I remember wailing "I'm in this marriage all by myself!" It didn't go down well - but it was honest.

I'm beginning to suspect you've accidentally married an avoidant character. If he were not avoiding an intimate connection with you - I mean that as written, not a euphemism for sex - he absolutely would be making efforts to stay in touch while apart. And as you're not connecting intimately, it's no wonder you don't feel like sex.

I've heard and read a lot of shite about how men express love through sex (well, don't we all?) and, worse, that sex generates loving feelings in men. Again, that's true for both sexes but the implication is that women should just put out so men will love them. This is all backwards - and isn't even true. Please don't let this nonsense blackmail you into forcing yourself to have disconnected sex with your own damn husband.

Your couples therapist isn't doing any good. It might be better to see someone by yourself, with the aim of figuring out why you're putting yourself through this and what to do about it FOR YOURSELF. You can't change the way somebody else is, only your own response.

Avoidant people feel hounded by partners pleading for connection. Avoidant people's behaviour makes their partners feel abandoned, so they're likely to start pleading. It's very sad

You can try setting out really strong rules of engagement - I know my ex's current wife did this with at least some success. She's an extremely secure character, with such strong family & friendship bonds that [a] she needs very little from him, and [b] she would easily walk away. I'm not exactly a wilting flower, but I never wanted a "very little" relationship and we were therefore incompatible. Being married to him really damaged my self-confidence.

Do NOT contemplate having a dog or a baby until this has changed. And don't get a dog anyway if you're still working, it's just bloody selfish.

Gotta love a good Mumsnet amateur diagnosis! Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria 😂😂

What is your husband actually doing for work that has him so busy? Is this likely to be a short term situation or something that will be ongoing?

Sometimes in life we just don’t have the capacity for everything so if work is extra intense right now it maybe that your relationship can’t be the priority for him as he need to focus on work.

I am studying alongside work at the moment and it’s intense so I probably am neglecting my husband a bit but it’s temporary and he knows I am doing this for our future lives. Is your husband putting himself through intense pressure to set up your lives in such a way to enable children in the future, short term pain for long term gain?

I read all op’s post
and a lot of replies
im still on the fence.
I agree with the above.
I mean if I was so busy I was having to work until midnight, then I probably wouldn’t have time to text either
I was married to a workaholic… has anyone mentioned that word.
we had a baby , it didn’t last.
looking back I could have made it work.
but I was 26 , no real mature help available, friends or family ( wish we’d have Mumsnet back then. )
my ex worked for his dad… he didn’t work until midnight, but he may as well have.
he came home at 7.30 ish , ate his tea , had a bath (alone ) and went to bed.
And he Worked weekends too ( shorter days but still)
I know what op is feeling.
I also was full of resentment….. so much so we rowed every day, and he certainly wasn’t getting any treats off me …….
back then I just hadn’t got the self confidence or maturity to make the marriage work.
the marriage failed.
all the things suggested on here are being rejected by op.
there is some brilliant advice. .. but op just isn’t listening….
My ex wouldn’t go to therapy ( his dads suggestion- it wasn’t so acceptable back then)
But after the divorce I did got to therapy, took responsibility for my part in the breakdown of the marriage- hind sight is a wonderful thing, and have been successfully married for over 25 years. .. to someone else.
it took a lot of work but I am very happy.
my ex’s second marriage lasted 20 years , so maybe he didn’t learn as much as me, but I genuinely wish him all the best…. That was years ago snd I lost track of him, so hopefully he happy now.

I don’t know how many times the OP had to say she’s not getting a DDog. RTFT.