Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

I'm so sorry, I've no idea why you're getting such a hard time. It's obvious that most women's urge for intimacy starts with the relationship being good in the first place.

It sounds as though your husband has completely checked out. He isn't showing any sign of wanting to check back in - given a mere text would make you happy and he can't be bothered even doing that, there doesn't seem to be any hope the relationship will recover.

Whether he's seeing someone else or not, the end result is the same with you feeling completely neglected and side-lined. I'm a naturally suspicious person so would be definitely wondering why he was working so late every night and why his sex drive was non-existent in the house, but I think you're not the type to look into that, and I don't blame you - it can bring you to a new fresh level of hell.

I'd give up on the marriage and figure out a life for myself. The very last thing I'd do is have a baby with him. He's checked out and I'd feel too hurt to try to persuade him to come back to me. As you've said, he can't even send you a text. That's really awful.

You’re flogging a dead horse.

Your original post made it sound like he’s away a lot and you just need him to check in. It’s so, so far past that. You had a basically silent car ride. You’re not on the same page even when you’re together.

On paper it sounds like a classic case of; you’ve felt the distance grow and tried to bridge it with more romantic gestures, he’s not responded, and now you feel torn between not wanting things to fracture and feeling stupid for trying.

It does sound like you’re expecting him to mirror your love language - you want an act of service, he doesn’t want to give one, whatever it is. It doesn’t matter that he’s for the freedom to choose what or that a third party has told him to do it, he doesn’t want to. Perhaps you were always incompatible on that front, or perhaps you both had more leeway before…

Now, though, you’re at loggerheads. Having sex with him or him sending a text isn’t going to fix it at this stage. It’s beyond crisis chat time, really, but that’s where I’d start.

I feel for you with this. There's an idea called "bids for connection" - you are obviously making clear bids, and he's turning away instead of toward them. I think you trying counselling is really important, but if he's not engaging, then that's not a great sign. I'm sorry OP - no advice, but I hope you manage to resolve it - it's no way to live x

You have a husband, but you don't like him, so you are currently coaching him to behave like someone else. He already has an intensive workload, he doesn't have the time or inclination to train as an actor to perform your idealised-husband role too. You're only 2 years in. Choose someone more compatible next time.

Or, start individual therapy instead, and work on loving yourself, and building your self-confidence, so you don't need to live in a romantic movie to feel loved.

You might also explore if your sweet gestures towards him are spontaneous and unconditional expressions of genuine love - in which case your expressiveness is the entire goal, there is no need for him to respond in any way. Or, are you subconsciously trying to manipulate him into giving/doing/saying things toward you that you desperately need. Are you effectively saying 'I love you' as a generous gift of your feelings, or are you saying it to elicit a response because you want/need to hear him say 'I love you too'. They are fundamentally different things.

edit: typos

You're making so much effort, I feel a lot of sympathy for you, OP.

It's not much to ask for one text or phone call - it must be heartbreaking that he hasn't once made the effort.

You deserve better.

Hi op I would do this if I was you. Big hug tell him you love him see how he responds what a lot of men don’t like is being told what to do. If he finds the time for therapy why can’t he find the time for you. I would be encouraging him to come home at suitable times a couple of times a week so you can connect and at the weekend leave work at work. does he find time for other people? Does he see family or friends? I’m not really one for post it notes or texts but you are and that’s fine but you cannot force this. you can tell him if this connection disappears it can only end one way and you don’t want that but you live mostly as a single person and children cannot come into this life you have now. Make him realise you will walk away if necessary and that’s what will happen to find someone else but I would also think long and hard because if he’s not cheating on you and is genuinely busy working and you decide that you cannot carry on he might meet someone else could you deal with this? Also you might meet a new guy but a guy who is no better sometimes the grass isn’t always greener.

I see where you're going here, but your reasoning is flawed. What @RamALamADingDong2 calls "bids for connection" aren't either self-stroking expressions requiring no response or invitations to reciprocate. They're both.

When you tell your partner you love them, you say it because you feel it.
If your partner replies dismissively or just walks off, you're going to feel disrespected. If it happens often, you'll feel unloved.
You don't get a warm, safe feeling purely by expressing your love.
It only works when it works both ways.

Hi OP, just wanted you to know you are not alone. (You as a couple I mean) I married the man of my dreams. Got married etc and at 2 years (we have been married for 10) we struggled too. We actually saw a very expensive relationship coach in in Harley street. (We are based in south London). And what he asked us separately was whether we still wanted to be together and he individually took us back in time.. when we had our joints sessions - this cost about £10k back then - he got us to identify each others ‘love language’
there wasn’t anything in particular that was driving us part just intolerance and impatience with each other and once we took the trip down memory lane and understood each other again - this really did get better!

we get on really really well! I know MN willl scorn at this but we forgot our anniversary - I think over shadowed by our baby’s first birthday…husband drew a card on an A4 paper which made me laugh…and I did the same (we obviously remembered at the same the same time)
no one was upset. No drama - I called and made a last minute reservation for dinner -early Ofcourse as we had to take the baby. We then spent the evening chatting about stuff really - just light hearted. It took us 6 sessions of therapy /a different perspective to get here. So don’t be hard on yourself. I hope you two figure it out

Have you considered getting a hobby? You sound a bit clingy There seems to be a bit of an imbalance here this can drive people away do you have any issues with your self esteem?

I've been married nearly 10 years
This sounds like man behaviour when they are extremely stressed at work and tired(lots of mental workload) he loves you and appreciates you being "near" pottering about the house genrally being "around" etc and that's enough as his mental capacity will allow. Some men and women are just like that. He may find the note thing abit OTT if it needs to be a daily thing (I definitely would)
Unless there is trust issues you should grace him this time to "figure things out"
You are being too needy. You should fill your spare time with hobbies and interests and connecting with friends. Your notes to him should consist of a one line of what you are doing, have a good day love you bye. Swan past looking pampered and busy (which you actually would be) look in the diary when he is likely to be free and and text "film tonight? X" keep it short brief and mysterious. Make your own plans if he says he can't.

I get the house mate feeling which happens when you are like passing ships due to work, but I do think less additional pressure from you will allow him to be more open to showing affection in a more authentic way

Swan past looking pampered and busy

Swan past where?? She doesn't see him all week!

You do realise OP has her own career and social life? She's not wilting (or pottering) aimlessly around an echoing house all day.

@Borae If you do have kids then it sounds like you will be parenting mostly on your own.

My DH has his own business and it is all consuming. He is never fully “off” and has learned to deal with the considerable stress and pressure that accompanies it. It’s very different to having a salaried job.

You’ve spoken a lot about what you do to connect with him but what stands out to me is that you don’t seem to ever talk about his work when it’s such a huge and important part of his life.

Maybe you can reconnect by asking and taking a proper interest in his work on a date night for example. Then follow up with a text at work “hey, how did it go with Janet in the end?” etc and build from there.

If your husband isn't coming home until midnight many nights and has cut off from you, the possibility of an affair is real.

I disagree. An unentangled loving gesture is complete in itself. If you get a response that you don't like, then the feedback to yourself is to reconsider how and to whom you have chosen to bestow your love. Not to declare the recipient wrong and set about retraining them.

My hope is for a wee dent in OP's certainty that she is loving and lovely. To open a window to self-reflection. I suspect her sweet gestures originate as a need, morph into a demand, end up a rebuke. None of that is love.

At best, these two sound incompatible; at worst, neither cares much for the reality of the other. A little self-knowledge would be a worthwhile gain from the experience.

I'm surprised at the responses on a woman focused site.

The OP is setting boundaries in a marriage - not very difficult ones for this man to reach!

She is feeling unloved and the marriage is at crisis to the point this couple are in therapy within two years - that shows pretty severe cracks.

Putting aside ALL the he said she said, this marriage is in trouble - yet the man is doing absolutely nothing that is being asked of him.

He sounds emotionally very disengaged. It sounds like two people who have become very disconnected - and the man has been given some really clear suggestions on how to reconnect to his unhappy partner and is deliberately not doing them

I am going to assume this man is intelligent - he has a job he is a man out in the world - so if he was asked to complete some non complicarted tasks at work - or he lost his job - I think he could do them.

So - he is (can we assume? ) capable of doing what is being asked of him here - in order to make his wife feel loved.

OP - this is my feeling - you need to give this man consequences not warnings and endless begging.

Its not working.

You need to show him real hard consequences - and set real genuine boundaries.

You say - I'm going, Im out of this relationship - I've moved out (or however you decide to do this) - and you say - if you want to make it work, it has to be different - please let me know when you have thought about how to do that.

at the moment you are in some sort of begging, pleading dance - where you set him homework that is just the bare minimum of a loving relationship.]

Sometimes I find what my husband wants from me tiring , draining whatever - but because I love him, I know I need him to feel loved. So I engage, listen, connect.

I wish I could remember her name but there is a really really good woman on instagram - a relationship coach - who just posts such brilliant stuff about men and how they only speak the language of 'action' and 'consequences'

he doesn't believe you. He doesn't believe your warnings and is ignoring your pleading because he can disengage without a real consequence.

You are hurting - and people here seem to be sayin gignore your instincts

I just think you need to make this man face the consequences of his actions

I wouldn’t be expecting little noted or messages throughout the day; but time to connect in some evenings, weekends, holidays. I can’t really tell whether you are needed or of if he is married to his job.

If you don’t share much time together the relationship will drift further apart.

Have you tried the opposite, instead of saying you don't do x, y, z, try to say something positive, e.g I really appreciate you working so hard at the moment. You must be really tired. I appreciated you coming to therapy. Sometimes positive reinforcement works a lot better.

You sound very in your own head and overthinking things. What has he actually said about how he feels about you? Pre-kids and it's not working out. Try adding a baby into the mix. People really are like ships that pass in the night when they have kids.

Oh god OP, you sound very similar to my DP i.e. really thoughtful and LOVELY. And I’m like your DH. Overworked and complacent. Your thread has been a wake up call.

Sorry I can’t be of more help. Best of luck with the therapy.

Exactly! ‘I’m sending this text because the therapist thought I should’ are

He has his own business/practise. His work isn't going to change and it isn't going to get better if he is building it up

Iv seen many marriages crumble under self employment/running own business.

His work is the core problem. Texting you or anything else will not change your resentment to him putting business before you.

Do not have children.

Unless he can delegate some of his business then this is his life.

What job does he do? Have his hours increased or is he self employed? Did his behaviour change at the same time as something else?

I used to get caught up in feeling similar with my DH and we have been together for 20 years. When the DC came along we had little time and I used to still do the whole thing you are - cute notes, getting items he likes, making sure he had time to relax from DC - I shake my head how silly I was! I dialled it right down and he gets precisely one note a week and if the shopping is being done, it’s when I need something. I don’t think he even noticed the changes and I feel less stressed and focus on DC wants first of course, me second.

I think step back from the gestures and see what happens.