Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

[Borae]

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

It's also interesting to note this changed happened after OP changed her job/hours so she was less available in the times he was at home

There's a good chance he felt she was abandoning him and pulling away from him because she made herself less available

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I can almost feel how much you're hurting and desperate for a solution through your words.

I'll give you the advice I'd give my best friend - men only notice what you do when you stop. Stop doing these things. It feels like you're being horrible (whhch clearly isn't in your nature) and also counterintuitive but it's not. It's the only way he will properly understand. Men learn by consequence, there are structural and hormonal differences in male/female brains so you do need to help him understand in a way he will understand if you really want this to work.

A bloody text in the day to show he’s thinking of her when they don’t see each other Monday-Friday is nothing!

It's nothing for you and some others.

For others, they can't text while on the job. It's a rule in some jobs. Some can't have their personal phones on them.

You want your doc or health care provider looking at his phone texting or listening to you, the patient? Or texting his wife and forgets to send med orders? Or 🤔 ng oh no, gotta text the wife and misses what the kid in front of him is saying. You want your lawyer texting his wife on time you're paying for?

She's at work from 7 something to 6. She obviously can take time out of her workday but he's got a different job and responsibilities and can't.

To go 5 days out of 7 every week not having any contact with your spouse is weird

So is pretending to be asleep so you don't have to talk to or hug your partner, but lets conveniently forget that is a horrible thing to endure and focus solely on how he must be an absolute villain.

Is it possible he thinks you can no longer be bothered to stay up and see him if you always used to?

Also, are you ‘settling’ because you want a family and don’t want to risk not meeting someone else, or are worried about the timeframe for meeting someone else and falling behind your friends? Would you stay with him if you were in your early 20s?

she was less available in the times he was at home

she made herself less available

So you're suggesting he threw his toys out of the pram because her work pattern changed and she was no longer conveniently available for him?

And that instead of simply shifting his schedule and hours to match her new hours, so they could still spend time together, he emotionally withdrew and checked out of the marriage?

He doesn't sound like a team player. And marriage is supposed to be a team effort, with mutual support and encouragement.

No

I'm saying that they used to have a small period of time together which, through her decisions, has now vanished

Why should he have to change work hours which had been set and were known because she made a decision which makes her less around when he is? It might not even be a "simple" thing at all...

In his eyes she has gone "oh I know that hour we have is all the time we get in a day because of your established schedule but I've changed my hours so now I'll leave before you get up. Shame." She's pulled away from him first

And now, she's complaining that he's withdrawing when she made the first move towards that

has he changed in demeanour or behaviour? Less demonstrative?
has he always had a demanding job?have the demands increased?
how long between dating & marrying?

And though his decisions, it's also vanished. They used to have time together in the evenings, but he's choosing to spend that time at work instead.

I get where you're coming from... Everything is the her fault and he can't do any wrong. Same old, same old.

But it was her actions which meant they don't see each other at all during the day now and she's the one who is now making the big deal...

No, I think PP is trying to dislodge the notion that it is all his fault and the OP is an entirely innocent victim.

The truth is that it is much more balanced and that the constant one-way blame and finger pointing is toxic to OP’s marriage.

The “neutral” facts are:

• The OP and her husband both work unsociable hours which leave little time for themselves during the week. This could lead to a conversation about whether the jobs are right for them and whether one or both of them needs to take a different approach to work. It may come down to an irreconcilable difference in priorities: she may want him to stop building his practice and go for a 9-5 role in order to centre her. He may not be prepared to do that. But that is a different conversation from the one they are having at the moment.

• OP wants children /dogs but her and her DH’s working life absolutely cannot sustain that as things stand. Apart from getting back onto an even platform emotionally, there need to be some very clear conversations about who will do maternity/paternity leave; who will go part time; who does the drop offs and pick ups.

• The OP’s husband must be absolutely knackered if he is regularly working until midnight and having to work weekends.

• The OP values performative gestures throughout the working week. Her DH does not or is too tired/busy. Their approaches may again be incompatible but again this does not need to be framed as him “hurting” or “rejecting” her.

• The OP has withdrawn physical affection and pretends to be asleep when her husband comes home. This is a sign of massive dysfunction in their relationship and OP is right that they need to be in a better place emotionally before jumping back into bed. However part of this must involve dispensing with the notion that he is the villain of the piece, constantly rejecting and hurting OP.

It should be possible to have sensible and less emotionally fraught conversations about all of these issues. But it is not possible to do that fairly and honestly when the DH is unfairly getting the brunt of the blame.

I think OP has a shit therapist and has been sold a narrative which is flattering to her and what she wants to hear but which is ultimately damaging.

Perhaps the "homework" is a bit of a mood killer. I wouldn't want to be told what I have to do to show love, it should come naturally and sporadically. He might have taken on some of these suggestions but wants to do it in his time, when he feels it in the moment.. not under a deadline where I'm sure this will get reviewed in your next session. Sounds like his job can be high pressured and now his home life too.

Succinctly put. The therapist definitely needs replacing and I think all the love language nonsense needs putting in the bin.

There are two adults avoiding each other while the thin membrane of their marriage is at breaking point. Unless they sit down together and talk honestly nothing will change. Preferably without a third person at the table.

How difficult would it be to say I've made a mistake, and step away and out of the marriage?

Don't even think about kids or pets yet - they won't bring you together and will make things worse.

Forget all the love language stuff - it was invented by a bloke trying to blag more sex.

You both need honest, open conversation about what you want from your relationship and what if anything either is prepared to change to save it. At the moment it's basically a house share.

You met at 26?
What age are you now?
You are married only two years?

You have time to move on.
This marriage sounds very dead to me.

You've worded this so much better than I could

It's not about blaming her and absolving him, it's about recognising they've both made decisions (or had decisions made in their work life that they've gone along with without considering the impact) which have limited their time with each other, the latest of which is OP's change, and those decisions have consequences

And maybe trying to force him to accept her way or to make performative gestures isn't the right direction to be heading in

One thing men often fail to grasp when complaining their partners don't initiate intimacy is that in order to feel in the mood, women need to feel physically and emotionally safe.

And if being appreciated, thought of, considered etc etc etc is what makes you feel safe, able to relax and not worry about your relationship then that's the bare minimum you should be able to expect.

Not so that he then gets some sex - so that your relationship gets better for you both.

I have been with DH for 30 years, married for 24. Dh worked insane hours for the first 12 ish years of our marriage. I moved to his home country upon marriage and barely saw him in daylight Mon-Fri for the first 6 months. My mother actually asked if he was having an affair. He was'nt, just working 16+ hours a day. In those years I never felt like you describe. I was frustrated and pissed off that we did not see more of each other, and I felt that I had been brought to his country and left to sink or swim (which I would not have done to him), but I did not feel like he did not love me. Further down the road, and another move abroad, and more years of ultra long and unreasonable working hours, we had a few bumps in the road. I sometimes felt that I was taken for granted, but most of the time it really was good. Some more years down the line and another couple of country moves and still ultra long hours, but even with glitches we were still committed to one another. Having a child threw a bit of a spanner into the works, and things have been rocky at times, and 'love's young dream' is a very distant memory, but we are still committed to one another. We had a major wobble around 10 years ago for a couple of years (post baby - he went weird, not me), but it has settled down now, and while not perfect, there is still a lot of love and repect, and commitment. At the time we had marriage counselling, but it was not successful. He was not ready to accept that he was part of the problem. We had a baby, so I hung on in there, but it was a tough few years. The reason I could do it is because we had nearly two decades of loving behaviour to lean on, and I knew that this was a good man at heart - even if he was driving me nuts!

Two years in is too soon to feel like you do.

Do not get pregnant and do not get a dog. If having children is really important to you, you might be best off leaving your current relationship asap, since you will need time to heal and find a more suitable partner.

Genuinely, my DH worked like a machine for years, and while I did feel like I was not his priority, I did not feel unloved. He has also turned out to be an excellent father.

But physical intimacy isn't "just" sex
She pretends to be asleep rather than cuddle up to him
She won't even go and hug him

after reading your posts I would also be the one suspecting an affair.

Quite

Absolutely. It's as simple as that.

No she hasn't. She is trying to get her husband to see her pain and to empathise with her. OP I have been in the boat of a husband with insane working hours, and been told by posters many moons ago on forums like these that 'he's doing it for the both of you' ...'if you leave one day he'll have mansion with a Porsche out the front and someone else will enjoy that'...I bent and bent and bent to the demands of his job. The mansion never came and he wasn't doing it for the both of us, he was doing it for his own career and ambition and didn't care that I was collateral damage because he has low empathy. Is your husband possible ASD? Regardless, I really think you need to leave. At that point, he might wake up to himself.

What a load of absolute crap and you know it. What about lunchtimes etc? Time between patients. I don't think a 5 min text is going to mean he is missing patients. The GP at my practice takes lunch, texts people, comes and talks to the health team in between seeing up to 50 patients in a day.

Yes she has

She said she wants the therapist to force DH to see things her way