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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

712 replies

Borae · 15/11/2025 12:19

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

OP posts:
Thundertoast · 16/11/2025 10:08

SquareEyedSue · 15/11/2025 14:33

I am one of those people jumping in.

I think someone who works virtually 24/7 is doing something far more meaningful for the relationship (and the community) than leaving a stupid sticky note.

I get your point, I personally feel that if someone's job takes over the point where they cannot meaningfully engage in personal relationships then they need to think carefully about if they are in the right place to be having those personal relationships, given that the majority of the time it means the other person accepting less than what they need, however I think some people would be okay with it, takes all types!

TheCorrsDidDreamsBetter · 16/11/2025 10:33

Thundertoast · 16/11/2025 10:08

I get your point, I personally feel that if someone's job takes over the point where they cannot meaningfully engage in personal relationships then they need to think carefully about if they are in the right place to be having those personal relationships, given that the majority of the time it means the other person accepting less than what they need, however I think some people would be okay with it, takes all types!

The OP has said she acknowledges this is just a temporary thing with him working late while he sets up his own practice.

I have asked the OP what sort of practice is he setting up, because it is sort of vague. Could be a medical practice, could be a consultancy practice, could be an architecture practice, who knows. All she has said is it's a practice, so my mind is jumping to medical.

Is it a medical practice? Is he a GP? Is he working in a practice alongside trying to set up his own medical practice? Does she know GPs rules have recently changed for GPs. They can't close their e-consult forms when they're at capacity anymore, and they've got to keep them open for all working hours, and all patients must know on the same day how their request will be managed, a new target has been set by NHS england that GPs should see 90% of all urgent cases on the same day, and that these changes started on 1st October 2025.

This means there are a lot of aditional administrative changes that are needed in order to remain compliant and receive funding.

A lot of GPs are having reduced lunch times because of these extremely recent changes. Add on top, trying to set up your own practice and the additional administration this also takes.

Then you've got the appointments themselves, it could be anything from seeing patients for common coughs and colds, to telling somebody their hospital results have come back and they've got cancer, to telling someone they've hit the menopause and all their hopes and dreams for starting a family are a pipe dream now, to we've run out of medication options for treatment resistent depression, to the medication you've been taking for years is now no longer permitted even though it was the only thing reducing the pain. I know many GPs who will feel completely overwhelmed by lunchtime, and any lunchtime they get will be spent decompressing in a way that works for them, and might mean that they don't have the headspace for superficial and coerced text messages.

Then there are GPs who do out of hours services too, with a high rate of GP absence so other GPs are having to pick up the slack, especially with many GP practices closing due to lack of funding or resource.

Our GPs lead partner who established the practice has since become a more administrative role within the practice and he does have more time to make sure that he is taking restful, and meaningful breaks, but it takes time to help your staff also get into the flow of things and make sure that your service isn't completely overwhelmed. On top of that they're not allowed to close off their registration process, meaning that currently they serve around 10,000 people, and that number will just increase the more people register to that practice which is likely to happen the more other practices close. There's a national shortage of available GP appointments.

So the more practices there are in an area, the more that number is shared, and the less busy they will be.

This is with the assumption that when OP said practice she meant medical of course and I am making massive presumptions here.

Setting up a business is never easy in the early days of it. It is usually temporary, despite the work never ending.

What the OP is saying she needs is directly contradictory to what he needs. There isn't an absence of a show of affection, the OP has listed all of the things he does for her, and he sounds really considerate and caring, but instead the OP has accused him of an affair, purposefully pretended to be asleep so that she can avoid him, and you can tell when someone is pretending to be asleep, and can't see the things he does do for her in a positive light. She's expecting him to be loving, warm and affectionate when she has rejected him too so that she doesn't feel rejected first due to the temporary circumstance he is in with work.

I do think that if the OP is not happy with the arrangement she should leave the relationship because it sounds like she could be asking for an immediate resolution to something that can't be given an immediate resolution.

spookymelon666 · 16/11/2025 11:00

Ok so
please let me draw upon my experience to be able to advise. I am 44 and my husband has put me in a position where I can’t afford to leave him. I have no money. He works long hours and he makes no effort. It’s all about him and he thinks I am the problem. What I’ll say is that you need to decide if you are happy to live out your life in this way or not. Because I can tell you now, it will NEVER change. He will never change. It 100% will get worse if you add children into the mix. You’ll be a single parent, like me, but married. It’s very lonely. If you’re happy to live that way then please continue. If I could turn back the clock, I would get out. My advice is to get out and find happiness OP. Otherwise you’re in for a very lonely existence.

PenelopeSkye · 16/11/2025 11:17

I really feel for you OP. I can see it from your DH’s side too though.

I love my husband, and I know that he loves me. We are both busy, and have the same situation where he is home after I’m in bed on week nights. Some weeks we literally see each other for 10 minutes in the morning (and that’s while I’m making breakfast for our 3 children so is a busy time of day). The idea of him saying to me ‘you need to text me in the day so I feel connected to you’ is just so crazy to me, it would make me feel like I was having to reassure an insecure child. The fact he knows I love him, and is entirely secure about that, is actually in itself hugely comforting.

That said- we DO sometimes send texts- but absolutely not every day, and there’s no expectation of it having to happen. And to be honest sometimes he’ll send me a message and I’ll forget to respond/ and vice versa, it just isn’t a drama. Sometimes we send cute messages, sometimes funny things we’ve seen that the other might like- and many many times, we send nothing at all. If I felt DH was demanding I did it more often- it would put me off doing it at all.

Of course there can’t be NOTHING. If you really feel he’s pulling away and is distant at times you’re together, that is an issue. But I’m wondering if the pressure you’re putting on him to show you he cares is causing him to become irritated, and having a knock on effect causing him to be distant at other times.

Maybe take a step back, not to punish him, but just to take the pressure off. Maybe just do something different together - a new class at a weekend, or plan a trip away, or train for an event. It might then be that organically you start to reconnect.

Subwaystop · 16/11/2025 11:18

I read the whole thread.

I’m of two minds.

On the one hand, just reading her demands makes me so anxious. People like op push me away. The pressure to text, knowing she will have hard feelings if I don’t, makes it into a huge deal. “Oh no I need to do it, I didn’t do it, I don’t know why I’m so blocked, I’m sorry, I feel bad, I messed up.” And being told “it’s not a big deal” actually makes me feel worse and more misunderstood. It is a big deal. Little things are a big deal to you? Than realize they are a big deal to me! It can become brutally hard to do it when done as a demand. In my own life I avoid people who make me feel like this at all costs. Otherwise I get caught in a very unhappy cycle. It definitely pushes me away. I can see that OP might have pushed him away. She definitely doesn’t know how these demands can feel.

On the other hand, she’s lonely! I feel so much empathy for shattered dreams, trying so hard, feeling so abandoned, loneliness. It’s hard to know if the marital dynamic caused the rift (ie she pushed, he pulled away) or if he checked out. If he checked out, because he is done with the wooing phase or is having an affair or just is not really interested in connection, then OP is absolutely in the right to feel so aggrieved. But if he checked out because she is pushing so hard for her vision of marriage, then I have empathy for them both. I have a friend who so aches for these little romantic flourishes and sometimes when we are out together I catch her watching couples holding hands and being affectionate and I know she feels so sad that she and her husband don’t do that. We have discussed it often and I never get it. I just don’t think this is important to me. But it’s such a deep, primal need for her. And I respect that for her to be happy, she needs little symbolic gestures. I think OP you need it too.

I think the only hope for this marriage is if you can get out of the cycle of expectations and focus your attention elsewhere and let the marriage become easy again. But that might not be possible as you might be too fundamentally mismatched or he might genuinely be emotionally done.

WonderingWanda · 16/11/2025 12:26

It sounds like you are very mismatched, did he ever show his love in any gestures, kindnesses, acknowledgement of you or has this always been the case in your relationship. It's unlikely to ever change if the latter and I would say you made a mistake in marrying him, he is never going to be able to give you what you need as it simply isn't important to him.

Susiy · 16/11/2025 12:31

If I got "homework" from a therapist my other half forced me to go to, I'd ignore it too.

It sounds like you are not a match made in heaven and now may be the time to get out of it for both your sakes.

ilovesooty · 16/11/2025 12:41

I've asked several times if he wants to be in therapy and there hasn't been any answer. It seems very likely that the interaction is driven by the OP with the expectation of forcing him to change his behaviour and there seems little point in it. This is why I think the therapist has no business continuing to take their money.

Susiy · 16/11/2025 13:12

Most Therapists, like Freud, are con artists in my view.
They'll milk you until you face reality or run out of money.

Michael Douglas said he wasted 8 years of his life going to Marriage Therapists instead of just dealing with the reality that his marriage was over.

'It took me too long to realise that if you go to a marriage counsellor to resolve problems, it’s in his interest to keep the marriage going. Because if I end the marriage he’s got no business. I think Diandra would probably say the same thing. That’s the only clear regret that I have."

BunnyLake · 16/11/2025 13:15

Both my sons are in serious relationships and I’ve stressed to both of them that the key to a happy relationship is both partners being nice to each other. If that stops because one or both forget to be likeable then it’s doomed to failure.

Is your dh being likeable, are you? If yes to both then there is hope. If one or both of you see and treat the other as the enemy then you're screwed.

Subwaystop · 16/11/2025 13:15

Susiy · 16/11/2025 13:12

Most Therapists, like Freud, are con artists in my view.
They'll milk you until you face reality or run out of money.

Michael Douglas said he wasted 8 years of his life going to Marriage Therapists instead of just dealing with the reality that his marriage was over.

'It took me too long to realise that if you go to a marriage counsellor to resolve problems, it’s in his interest to keep the marriage going. Because if I end the marriage he’s got no business. I think Diandra would probably say the same thing. That’s the only clear regret that I have."

Edited

There’s too much therapy worship in our culture. Therapy touted as a panacea all the time.

Dozer · 16/11/2025 13:35

Many people would be unhappy or not want to remain in a relationship with a partner working until midnight most weekdays and also working for part of the weekend. Some would be OK with it.

OP is unhappy and wouldn’t be unreasonable to decide she doesn’t want to continue. Even if she had been OK with it before marriage or the latest stretch of long hours, which doesn’t sound like the case

Her H isn’t necessarily unreasonable for working those hours and prioritising his business over his relationship, but his current working hours aren’t compatible with what OP would be OK with, or with their original plan to ttc for DC in 2026.

Lougle · 16/11/2025 14:25

Dozer · 16/11/2025 13:35

Many people would be unhappy or not want to remain in a relationship with a partner working until midnight most weekdays and also working for part of the weekend. Some would be OK with it.

OP is unhappy and wouldn’t be unreasonable to decide she doesn’t want to continue. Even if she had been OK with it before marriage or the latest stretch of long hours, which doesn’t sound like the case

Her H isn’t necessarily unreasonable for working those hours and prioritising his business over his relationship, but his current working hours aren’t compatible with what OP would be OK with, or with their original plan to ttc for DC in 2026.

But is it new? I would never have married a person working in the services, or a doctor, or anyone who was going to put their work above our future family. As part of that, I've accepted that my DH is never going to earn big money but I'm ok with that.

Some women are able to cope with having a high earning, in demand DH, who gives them the lifestyle they enjoy at the expense of time.

Some women are happy to sacrifice in the early years in the hope that they will have both financial security and time later.

What you can't have is the high earning, successful, early career husband with lots of time. It just isn't a thing.

TheCorrsDidDreamsBetter · 16/11/2025 14:36

Lougle · 16/11/2025 14:25

But is it new? I would never have married a person working in the services, or a doctor, or anyone who was going to put their work above our future family. As part of that, I've accepted that my DH is never going to earn big money but I'm ok with that.

Some women are able to cope with having a high earning, in demand DH, who gives them the lifestyle they enjoy at the expense of time.

Some women are happy to sacrifice in the early years in the hope that they will have both financial security and time later.

What you can't have is the high earning, successful, early career husband with lots of time. It just isn't a thing.

I imagine it's not new. You don't go through university a medical training for no reason and you usually work in a practice for a while before you decide to set up your own practice.

Op says they met when she was 26. But even without an age gap his career trajectory will have been underway.

GarlicHound · 16/11/2025 17:31

Lougle · 16/11/2025 14:25

But is it new? I would never have married a person working in the services, or a doctor, or anyone who was going to put their work above our future family. As part of that, I've accepted that my DH is never going to earn big money but I'm ok with that.

Some women are able to cope with having a high earning, in demand DH, who gives them the lifestyle they enjoy at the expense of time.

Some women are happy to sacrifice in the early years in the hope that they will have both financial security and time later.

What you can't have is the high earning, successful, early career husband with lots of time. It just isn't a thing.

Partially agreeing with this and recent PPs talking about consistent relational styles. My avoidant ex was avoidant before marriage, but never plainly rejecting. That started on our wedding day. We had a mutual push-pull dynamic until then, we discussed it, we agreed to be consistently available to each other emotionally and to communicate more openly. It seemed to be working.

As soon as we were married - and I mean we were still sitting at the registry desk - he seemed to cast me in the role of cartoon wife, the ball & chain holding him back. While I couldn't believe what was happening and kept trying to fix it (for a year or so), I now realise this is more common than we think. Abusers are known to 'become' abusive upon engagement, marriage, pregnancy or birth of a child - as soon as they feel they've caught you, basically.

Emotional neglect is emotional abuse. Some people feel more abused by it than others; same with any of the less extreme forms of abuse. I'm almost impervious to verbal abuse, for example (XH tried that as well), but it's still true that the only acceptable abuse is no abuse. Life partners are supposed to be appreciative, caring and supportive. Otherwise, they are not partners.

And of course high earning, successful, early career husbands can show appreciation, care and support! It doesn't take a ridiculous amount of time, loads of them manage it. Loads of them also find time to invest in their colleagues, clients, sports and hobbies, mistresses ... an hour here and there, ten minutes over lunch, a call or text about something interesting that's happened: it doesn't take much.

Anyone withholding that much either doesn't care or is doing it on purpose. I do think a lot of people, mainly women, put up with it as part of a bargain, seeing it as the price of the home and family they want. I wish they wouldn't. Every bargain like this gives men a reason not to bother, it keeps the standard low. A woman with her own career and support system should definitely not settle for a detached 'partner'. She doesn't need him and happier options are available.

letmebetheone · 16/11/2025 17:43

Possibly this has backfired as he now feels pressured to show he cares. It would be fake if he started to do things that dont come naturally.

Dozer · 16/11/2025 17:50

That must have been really hard @GarlicHound

Perhaps OP’s H always worked and behaved like this, perhaps it’s ramped up. Perhaps OP’s thoughts and feelings about it have changed.

The prospect of what life could be like with DC (of any age) with someone behaving like this would make many think twice.

Tekknonan · 16/11/2025 17:54

Borae · 15/11/2025 12:46

He’s been explicitly told how to make me feel more appreciated and he’s still chosen to ignore it

If this is what your therapist has done, then they are not a good therapist. You don't 'tell' your client to do X or Y. That's not going to sort out the problem. Even if he did it, it wouldn't come from genuine feeling, it would be because he had been told to.

A good therapist would try to get both of you to see where the mismatch and the cause of unhappiness lies - why you see love as expressed in overt gestures, albeit small ones, he and he doesn't.

The fact that he's agreed to go to therapy with you shows he cares.

Bayou2000 · 16/11/2025 17:55

He just isn’t interested. Sorry.

Pumpkinsonastring · 16/11/2025 18:05

user0507 · 15/11/2025 20:58

It isn't about lying back and thinking of England OP. Its about small physical intimacies, a hug in the kitchen, touching hands as you walk past, kissing each other goodbye, sitting next to each other touching whilst watching TV rather than sitting on two separate sofas.

He is literally not physically there for her to do that with. He is constantly at work.

OP you can't fix this because you can't have a relationship by yourself. It takes two and he won't even make the time and space available for a relationship to actually happen! You can't control another person only yourself. But the change you need for this relationship to work has to come from him and so far he's proving he won't do it. He has to make himself physically available, to be physically and mentally present, for the relationship to exist. All you currently have right now is a co-owner of your house who, on the rare occasions you see him, has his face in a laptop working. The rest of the time he's physically absent, supposedly at work (but it really doesn't matter where he is or what he's doing. The point is, he's not at home).

All this bullshit about he's doing it for both of you. That would be true if you didn't work OP. But you do. And you'd rather have him home more, than have him earn more working every hour there is. So whatever he's doing this for, it's not you, because you don't appreciate it, don't value it and don't want it. Same as all your little gestures to him, he doesn't care about them. You're completely incompatible. And that's fine. It's not personality flaw or someone doing someone wrong.

You're allowed to want to be in a relationship where the other person actually wants to spend time with you, where the other person puts your marriage before their career aspirations and where sex doesn't feel like you're just being used as an alternative to his hand. It's ok to want to feel loved by someone who is emotionally available. You're not an unreasonable person for wanting that. You're just not going to get any of that with this man.

I actually agree with some of the others that he's probably having an affair. If not he either doesn't like you and is avoiding you, neither of which will fix this situation or the relationship. Or he's a workaholic. If he was constantly off his tits on coke or heroin that wouldn't be acceptable, never at home and when he was rarely home not really "there". Nobody would tell you to put up with that, especially if he had no desires to change. But somehow someone spending all their waking hours working is seen as fine. Not in my eyes it isn't. I'd divorce him in a heartbeat.

BountifulPantry · 16/11/2025 18:07

Could you book an air B&B for a couple of weeks and have very low contact just to let each other know youre ok?

How about a break from feeling rejected to assess your options?

Greggsit · 16/11/2025 18:15

He is literally not physically there for her to do that with. He is constantly at work.

She's admitted that she pretends to be asleep when he gets home, so she could be intimate, or even have a conversation if she wanted to. Or just have a hug. But she's not taking any responsibility for doing anything herself.

GarlicHound · 16/11/2025 18:29

If he was constantly off his tits on coke or heroin that wouldn't be acceptable, never at home and when he was rarely home not really "there". Nobody would tell you to put up with that, especially if he had no desires to change.

Well said, @Pumpkinsonastring. An addict is an addict, whatever they're addicted to.

Laura95167 · 16/11/2025 18:37

Borae · 15/11/2025 12:31

I said “look, I don’t expect you to leave notes. But I need the equivalent from you”. A text. Anything.

It doesn’t need to be soppy. Last week I had a biscuit on my commute that was out of this world. I went back the next day to buy one for dh so he could try it. Just something. I have such low standards at this point and I’m still disappointed. I can’t believe how little I expect from him.

Do you know how he shows love? Youre pointing out how you do all these nice little gestures, but you do it not because he feels loved that way but because its how you would want to feel loved.

I think you need to perhaps talk about what he sees as connection, are you the same or different? I dont think a note is much, id like it too. But maybe say to him how do I see when you are showing me love? If theres a reason the notes difficult for him what will he try? And if hes blaming his job? Whats he doing about it?

Addictedtohotbaths · 16/11/2025 18:40

Borae · 15/11/2025 20:52

Any advice on how to break this cycle? I recognise I have lost interest in being overly physical. We still have sex but there’s no denying it is almost perfunctory. Nowhere near the intensity it used to be. Our therapist has recommended finding other ways to connect ie texts, notes. To build everything back up. I feel like I am doing my bit but husband isn’t. Obviously this isn’t working. But I’ll try almost everything. I’ve done the just go through the motions of sex so husband can acknowledge I’m still there for him in that way. But if anything it highlights how broken things are.

I am open to trying a new approach. The lieing back and thinking of England thing makes me feel absolutely horrendous though. I don’t think husband would ever want me to feel that way. Maybe it works for some people but I just can’t see it being beneficial in any of the ways pp describe.

Im by no means intentionally withholding sex out of spite. In my mind it is a natural consequence of our emotional distance.

Edited

I would ask him outright if he still wants to stay married to you.

If he used to be affectionate and thoughtful but now isn’t, then there’s a problem.

My exH was the most romantic thoughtful boyfriend and it all stopped once we were married and he’d locked me in. He turned into a nightmare narcissist but I didn’t see any of it coming.

texts and thoughtful gestures however small are a normal way of showing you care about each other. Especially when are not seeing much of each other in the week.

it sounds like he’s really not bothered or is just not on the same wavelength as you.

you’d be better off calling it a day and finding someone that matches your needs, it’s only going to get worse when you have kids.

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