To think my friend was racist, rude or both?

[RicottaOtter]

I was talking to a friend this morning. This friend is very concerned about excessive immigration to the UK, and plans to vote reform at the next general election because she believes only reform have the guts to tackle the problem properly. I was listening and not saying anything when this friend suddenly said, ‘Don’t worry - you’ll be okay, because of your husband, and you’re a mother to English children…’

I was gobsmacked at first - then realised she was talking about my ethnicity (one quarter English/one quarter white South African but originally English/half East European Jewish). I’ve lived in England my entire life and as far as I’m concerned I’m as English as this friend who was talking to me - whatever my ancestry might be.

Now, remember, this friend was (I think?) trying to be nice and reassuring (‘Don’t worry, you’ll* be okay’) - but I felt quite horrified and angry to have this said to me - am I being unreasonable?

I'm half Irish and have an Irish passport - your "friend" wouldn't have said anything like this to me would she?

It is racist.

What people need to ask themselves is why it is shifting, and so fast.

There was a time when politeness would make people hold back on what it was they were thinking - and maybe think twice about saying it. Clearly the national rhetoric is changing and what people think it's okay to say has changed with it. It also means that what people think it's okay to believe is also shifting as well.

The real question is do you let it pass and gently ghost the person out... or do you tell them that you find what they say unacceptable and offensive. Courage because such people need to be called out.

Social media. Loads of great research around this.

Is she not aware you are British???

Im with the above poster. You don’t need to be aggressive but you could point out to her how offensive her comment is.
i honestly despair. The level of ignorance is astonishing. I am mixed race (half and half). It’s 2025 and it feels like we are long way from parity. It’s disgraceful. I couldn’t be friends with an ignorant racist.

Tbh, it sounds a little like you were ok with her opinions when they didn't cover you, and only now you're taking notice.

She was being both racist and rude. Now you know exactly what she thinks about you and your “place” in the UK. She thinks you are here under tolerance, not by right. I would never, ever, stay friends with someone who thought like this.

It isn't about awareness. It will be the case that she has her own personal definition of what she regards as British.

I’m afraid I would have asked her to leave, I wouldn’t be able to get past that.

As for Reform, people really need to go back and re-read their history of 1930s Germany if you think that a political movement which points at a particular social group and blames them for the economy and society’s ills isn’t extremely worrying.

I would actually tell ask her to leave. Explain that her remarks really hurt you. Having slept a night on it, you no longer feel comfortable spending the entire weekend with her as obviously she sees you as a lesser human. You do not want to be accepted only because of who you’re married to, you want to be accepted for you. If she can’t understand how her remarks hurt you she isn’t a very good friend.

Asked and answered, many times over. When people are struggling they are ripe for the introduction of a scapegoat. If people were well housed in decent neighbourhoods with work that provided them with a decent standard of living they wouldn't need look for a group to blame. Sort out the scandal of wealth inequality and everything else follows.

I am white and born in South Africa. I have a British passport because my parents are English. I live in England.

What this story, and similar stories I've heard or sentiments exressed, remind me of (in a very scary way) is the way many white people used to behave in South Africa. The casual assumption taht everyone "like them" think the same as them, and therefore they can/should say anything they like.

I have a very clear memory of being 18 or 19 and standing in a queue at a bank. This was shortly after Nelson Mandela had been elected as president. There was an elderly black man in the queue in front of me. Bear in mind, that for a man like him, being allowed into a bank like this was still a relativelt new thing. He was trying to draw his pension. The documents he had were not from this bank. the woman was rude, patronising and unpleasant. The WORST part was that one point she looked at me - a TEENAGER - and rolled her eyes in a "oh god, look at what we (white people) have to put up with" kind of way. I didn't know what to do. If that happened now, I'd complain to a manager but obviously I was young and dumb so all I knew to was refuse to meet her eye, do my business and get out.

This sort of casual racism that's coming into this country is the same and it scares me. And as a white South African I have had one or two comments along the way elines of, "we don't mean people like you" when talking about immigration. It's not okay.

We are all like that sometimes. It's better to wake up at some point than never knowing you were asleep.

Ask her to leave. Say you’re implementing your own access policy to your land (house) and excluding people of your choosing. Tell her to go back to where she came from. See how she likes that.

Yeah, I heard that rant before “oh, we don’t mean you”
I find it a bit tiresome.

She is racist and stupid. And she’s no friend.

Get her the fuck out of your house, OP. She's saying you only belong by virtue of your husband and children. Does she think it's a joke? You don't need that bullshit.

Yes - very scary that's what Reform voters are voting for. And I assume she's participated in / pro the Remembrance services despite her fascist views?

Reform aren't going to do anything positive other than split the country further and polarise opinions instead of trying to unite the country!

You only need to look at that useless mob in the Kent council to see how far when left to their own devices, they’ll fuck things up. 😂

The country needs immigrant labour and always has done. The govt. got shafted by Brexit so lost the help from other European countries. It now needs to employ far more staff than at present to speed up the immigration vetting process.

However, if Reform was a party willing to transport the British born uneducated white trouble causing yobbo’s with criminal records, I’d happily vote for them.

But don’t pretend they’re anything other than a bunch of incompetent fascists. 🤷🏻‍♀️

sounds thick as mince OP
Does she know Zia Yusuf is head of policy for Reform?

Celts are originally from Central Europe. Anglo Saxons are Germanic.

I'd end the friendship. I couldn't be friends with her our views just wouldn't align. The you're alright because you're my friend and I'm not intimidated by you brigade can fuck right off.

I'm not white. My dad came to this country when he was 9 months old. He is not an immigrant! He, his parents and even his grandparents were British citizens born under a British Crown Colony. You can be a POC, you can be foreigner and still be British with every right to be here.

Everyone should vote for whoever they want for any reason they wish.

Equally, everyone can choose whose company they enjoy.

It’s impossible to know what is really behind a crass comment transcribed this way. You were there. You know how you felt. It made you feel upset and uncomfortable. You can decide whether to call her out on it, avoid her or forget about it.

I'm a dual national British, but my German husband, resident for 25 years, is not, as he would lose his German pension.

So how are we to fare under Reform?