To not want my friends nanny on holiday with us?

[Hungryhippos123]

We are meeting in Spain in May half term- me and my kids, a friend who lives in spain with her two kids and a friend from KSA who has 2 kids (just mums and kids- all age 5-10 and get on well!).
Our friend from KSA has just told us she plans to bring her nanny/maid with her. Shes a lovely Filipino lady (I have never met her but friend raves about her) as friend wants help with the kids.
I find it really uncomfortable and dont know why or if I should say no. I get that help is nice but we will all be there and her kids arent naughty or anything just normal kids! She said her nanny can help with all the kids and cook etc which I know is her norm but I find really uncomfortable. The whole dynamic will feel different and I will feel bad that the nanny will be sleeping in an office room on a blow up bed (again friend said would be fine).
AIBU? Should I just enjoy the extra help or would it bother you?

@BoyOhBoyFTM
It’s in the OP that the nanny will be sleeping on a blow up in the office room and friend said that’s fine.

Your friend will have very different expectations - I work remotely for a Filipino company, and the Filipinos I work with have very different expectations of a maid/nanny than a European would.

Treat the nanny fairly (she will be fine on a blow-up bed - I would be) give her some time off (whilst understanding that she won't have spare cash like you to do things anyway), and see how it goes. You might hit it off, she might prefer to keep separate, you just don't know.

This is a fundamental lack of understanding of the general role the OP is talking about. It’s generally housekeeping with a bit of keeping an eye on the children. Housework and cleaning washing up and preparing food is the core of the job. The nannying part is often at that age being around so the mum has an extra pair of hands eg babysitting and being able to leave the kids at home if she needs to go out.

It's two words collide. If you are not used to having personal staff, of course you may well find it uncomfortable.

I find it uncomfortable that the cleaning staff at my David Lloyd gym are all from south east Asia, hardly speak English, are in their 60s, doing a pretty horrible job. A

Would I want those uncomfortable feelings on holiday? No.

People who have hired nannies or housekeepers like this think it's fine but they aren't the OP having to accommodate it on her holiday.

I find so many of these responses so strange. You are all imagining this nanny has no agency, is a complete victim wirh no thoughts and opinions of her own. The Philippines are poor. Dirt poor. She probably has a very good wage working for your friend and (assuming your friend is a good employer) is looked after well. As one previous poster said she probably thinks she’s hit the jackpot.
If you insist the nanny doesn’t come then - she doesn’t get work? She has to take a holiday when maybe she doesn’t want to?

I think there’s a kind of weird white saviour racism to a lot of these posts.

If the nanny didn't get paid when the parents were on holiday that would be exploitation in my book. And it's much harder to have agency when you are poor and powerless.

Do you you not also think it’s perfectly possible that she doesn’t have any agency. Or at least possibly little choice? If she refuses to come then what? She loses this wonderful job to the next dirt poor person that gets picked.
A good wage and being well treated is the the bare minimum anyone working as a nanny in this country would expect. Why should she be any different?
I don’t disagree with the white saviour comment up to a point but anyone claiming it’s ok to treat your employees in a slightly shit manner just because they come from poverty is missing the point.
She might sleep on a dirt floor at home for all we know but when she’s in the employ of people that can easily afford to provide much better then she should be getting it.
And maybe she would be offended by all of us privileged westerners being offended on her behalf but I can live with that.

Haven't read the whole thread, but just bear in mind that if your friend is used to having a helper then she is unlikely to cope well with her children. A good friend of mine lives and was brought up somewhere where staff are the expectation. She had literally never spent 2 weeks alone with her children (one SEN), it was less than relaxing for everyone else as she negotiated solo parenting for the first time ever.

I’ve lived in the ME and seen the abuses of the kafala system firsthand. This woman may have chosen to subject herself to it out of a lack of other opportunities, but I don’t have to be ok with her exploitation, in the same way I accept that women enter prostitution, usually from a lack of other options, but I will have no truck with the people who exploit them.

How is it different to her saying she wants to bring her sister or her mother with her?
The OP thought she had booked a holiday with two friends and their children and now one of those friends has said she wants to bring an additional person, it completely changes what the holiday was going to be.

I think the best outcome you can effect is to ensure the nanny isn’t overworked when she comes by not adding to her workload. Hopefully your friend will give her reasonable personal / down time and you can encourage that diplomatically.

I know what you mean about ‘hired help’ changing the dynamic; I can’t even be at home when my cleaner is there. It makes me cringe but I’m aware that’s my problem, not anyone else’s.

this nanny needs her own bedroom. Not just to sleep, but a place for her to retreat when she is not wanted by the rest of the group, which will be quite often I imagine.

I would have one question for your friend. Who looks after the nanny’s passport back in KSA, her or the nanny?

I’m sure you’re right that in the world we live in, this nanny probably has a ‘good deal’ vs the other options that were reasonably available to her in the Philippines. I also think it’s not too hard to understand why many women feel deeply uncomfortable about the fact that this nanny probably has kids at home who she sees once a year and instead she’s looking after the OP’s mate’s kids because she’s desperate to provide for children and this is her best option.

It might be different in KSA as I guess space is less of a premium but in Singapore the live-ins never had bedrooms; they effectively had a bed in the back-kitchen and slept there.

That would really bother me.

You can't refuse the Nanny but you can back out of the trip yourself, or refuse to leave your kids with the Nanny or let her cook for you.

A fucking blow up bed?! And extra kids to look after/mouths to feed?

Dfriend is a CF.

It would be a firm no from me.

i agree with this

So they have no private space at all? That sound absolutely awful.

I dislike the implication that she should be grateful for a reasonable job because her alternatives are so poor.

Say the employer suddenly turns difficult. What are her choices?

The OP is uncomfortable because she thinks the nanny will end up doing much more than is in her contract, without realistically being able to say no - looking after all the children, doing a lot of cooking and cleaning - and she cannot afford to pay towards that.

In fair labour markets, we can accept work suddenly being very busy because once the panic is over, we have meaningful choices - if it happens too often we will move jobs or find a way to push back.

The OP is not confident enough that this arrangement will be fair to the nanny, and she is not unreasonable to feel so.

It may be that her friend is a great employer. But she feels that she does not have enough reason to be confident in this, from what she does know.

It isn't saviourism; it's a sense of what is just.

I can see why you feel weird about it.

It is usual for someone to offer a decent size tip in this situation because she will be creating extra work for the nanny.
If OP doesn’t want to do this, or isn’t able to then she needs to say something because it isn’t fair to use the services and not cover the extra work.

It's unbelieveable. It's basically saying, compared to what she's used to, she'll be grateful to go on holiday. It's vile. I couldn't condone this in any way

You can offer her your bed if you feel that strongly?

Are you a troll?

Your ethics about decency makes not a jot of difference to this lady.

If you, and all the other outraged posters here had their way, this lady would be living in impoverished conditions with no lifeline to a better life. Your pearl clutching over a blow up bed means nothing to her. Additionally, no longer hiring these women would mean certain dire outcomes for their families.

I hope all of the outraged don't use Amazon Prime etc.

So many of you are utterly clueless about the lives of others.

OP, Let your friend know you made a MN post about your morality vs hers. Personally, I would want to know so I could tell you to F off.

But there's a third option, isn't there, between the current scenario and being at home reliant on the local economy.

Say the nanny is employed to work for the holiday with two guaranteed days off, paid extra, with manageable responsibilities, and a proper room/bed of her own. Enhanced terms for work going beyond the contract, rather than relying on her to say 'these responsibilities go beyond what we agreed'.