To not want my friends nanny on holiday with us?

[Hungryhippos123]

We are meeting in Spain in May half term- me and my kids, a friend who lives in spain with her two kids and a friend from KSA who has 2 kids (just mums and kids- all age 5-10 and get on well!).
Our friend from KSA has just told us she plans to bring her nanny/maid with her. Shes a lovely Filipino lady (I have never met her but friend raves about her) as friend wants help with the kids.
I find it really uncomfortable and dont know why or if I should say no. I get that help is nice but we will all be there and her kids arent naughty or anything just normal kids! She said her nanny can help with all the kids and cook etc which I know is her norm but I find really uncomfortable. The whole dynamic will feel different and I will feel bad that the nanny will be sleeping in an office room on a blow up bed (again friend said would be fine).
AIBU? Should I just enjoy the extra help or would it bother you?

I don’t know. What I’d hope I’d say is ‘I’m really uncomfortable with the idea of a holiday where one adult doesn’t get a proper bed just because they are an employee. Employees are people too, and I’d need to know they are being treated fairly. That seems to me to be at minimum a decent bed and reasonable workload- they won’t for example be looking after my kids as I don’t have extra budget to pay fairly for them being looked after, more kids are more work and gets more pay.

Maybe that was true years ago but most expats have a separate maids room and toilet off the kitchen. A private and permanent bed is a requirement nowadays.

I think they mostly have bedrooms but there are also many converted bomb shelter rooms so ‘bedrooms’.

Geez only on mumsnet! Anyway, your friend doesn’t sound nice. I hope her nanny moves on and seeks better employers!

yep, the blow-up bed would make me incredibly uncomfortable as well. The nanny deserves a normal room where she can get some space, relax, feel comfortable…

You can’t stop her bringing her nanny for some help.

You can decide not to let her look after your kids and take your own turn at cooking - which I definitely would do!

The only thing that would bother me is the poor women sleeping on a blow up bed not even in a bedroom! I bet she’s treated like shit at the women’s house if she thinks that’s remotely ok. Not the type of person I’d want to mix with.

I would express my concerns to the host friend tbh, and say how extremely uncomfortable I am about the arrangements.

if these friends think all this is ok, tbh tho, I’d be rethinking my friendship with them

I don't understand your post how is the idea of another woman being treated as a second class citizen (and the op being a reluctant part of that) racist?

WTF? So because I am concerned that the nanny won't have her own bedroom with a bed and some privacy and will be sleeping on the floor of an office, I and the other posters who are also concerned are being racist and the people who say that she'll be fine on the floor as she comes from a poor country and she should just be grateful that she has a job are the non-racists?

Who exactly is the victim of our racism? The nanny or the western woman who is comfortable with treating the nanny as a second class citizen?

My husband did some work recently in UAE.

His translator was not allowed to drink water while on shift.
Was expected to carry the heavy computer equipment for him

Was he racist to be upset at her working conditions?

How did he show his opposition so that his translator was given better working conditions? Did he refuse to work with his translator's employers?

But it's not the same with this nanny. I'm pretty certain this nanny has water and food and paycheck... she will just have to sleep in office during the friends holiday.
What we don't know will she be paid more for extra work. We don't know arrangement OP friend has with nanny. I'm not sure blow back bed is what nanny will actually end up sleeping. OP isn't organizing holiday, it's third friend who does.

It's not racist to be worried about worker's poor conditions, but this nanny isn't really in poor condition. Assuming she is to be paid more during this trip and bed is suitable, she will simply end up working like she done already.

It is racist to automatically assume friend is horrible because she employs someone to work for her, it is racist to assume nanny is mistreated, and it is racist to believe this mum friend doesn't parent her own children. If mum and nanny are in same room, children will always go to mum, so she can't not not parent the kids.

I'm assuming that OP's friend is from the UK but is living in KSA so her culture is western. She could treat her domestic staff according to western norms by paying decent wages, giving them time off and their own private bedrooms. She is choosing to exploit them as is the cultural norm in KSA and I judge her for it.

Fortunately, due to the rise of the Trade Union movement from the late 19th century and the brave workers who risked their jobs and their lives fighting for decent pay and conditions, if OP's friend lived in the UK, it would be illegal for her to treat her nanny in this way.

Isn't it racist to think that not all cultures are equally valid?

Omg take the extra help! She will make your holiday so much better and be an extra pair of hands to tidy and keep the kitchen clean. Make sure you give her a generous tip at the end of the holiday.

The sleeping arrangements sound quite shoddy. I cam see why she sings the nanny's praises, if she doesn't even provide suitable accommodation. She can take the nanny of she wishes, but I would be very uncomfortable with someone being on holiday in an office, on a blow up bed ☹️.

Look at it another way. This person is working for her living and may well not have opportunity to take a trip otherwise even if it’s for work. Instead of objecting to her coming (and preventing her from earning) go along with it and make a particular point of being thankful, respectful and compensate her at the end of the week with a generous tip especially if she babysits your DC too, nobody gets upset at being handed and envelope at the end of the week with a warm thank you . Make a point of checking ( in front of everyone) which day/s she will be having as her free time. I’m sure you’ll find having someone who can watch the children whilst you enjoy lunch dinner with your friends a positive.
rather than pitying her do what you can to make her experience positive and financially rewarding.

I worked as an Aupair and I loved going on holiday with the families I worked for. Great opportunity to see somewhere new while being paid and I genuinely enjoyed spending time with the families..they were like my own extended family for the time I worked with them 😊 everyone's situation is of course different, it sounds like this is someone who is a full time nanny, not just doing it for a couple of years like I did. But wanted to share my perspective.

I don't like the idea of her on a blow up bed though...she should have a proper bed. Definitely also need to have conversations about extra pay if she is going to be asked to look after all the kids for any length of time. Personally, I wouldn't have agreed to look after that many kids myself even with extra pay unless some of the kids are older and more self sufficient.

Like i said, I work with Filipinos - my colleague on a work do was talking about her maid, who she'd hired from her home island (where she grows sugar-cane - she is a finance director herself). She had to teach the girl how to use a normal toilet, because on the island, they just disappear round the corner and wee/defecate on the beach.

I don't think people quite understand how different live is on rural islands vs. say Manila (which is a metropolis). How sleeping on an airbed in the kitchen is totally fine for the salary vs. what it would be at home (sand floor in a reed hut)

If you haven't actually met people, talked to them, lived with them, I don't think you can quite understand, and it's very patronising.

Yes, treat fairly, but understand that if you tipped (say £100) then you are placing an obligation on her in return. In my company, the Filipino staff get Christmas boxes of oil and rice to take home to their families, and they have good conditions compared to other local companies.

This all smacks of white saviour. Don't be a jerk, treat her fairly, but don't patronise.

I wouldn't be comfortable if somebody else's nanny was expected to babysit my DC and cook for me/them regardless of their nationality. I wouldn't want to be offering to pay them for these services either when I'm quite happy to do them myself. I can't see how a holiday between you all will work if the rest of you are planning days out with the kids etc while she plans to leave her kids with the nanny.

Read that back and blush. That smacks of white apologist.

Exploitation is fine because the employee is very poor back home, according to her employer? And you trust the employer’s word on this because she’s also from the Philippines?