To not want my friends nanny on holiday with us?

[Hungryhippos123]

We are meeting in Spain in May half term- me and my kids, a friend who lives in spain with her two kids and a friend from KSA who has 2 kids (just mums and kids- all age 5-10 and get on well!).
Our friend from KSA has just told us she plans to bring her nanny/maid with her. Shes a lovely Filipino lady (I have never met her but friend raves about her) as friend wants help with the kids.
I find it really uncomfortable and dont know why or if I should say no. I get that help is nice but we will all be there and her kids arent naughty or anything just normal kids! She said her nanny can help with all the kids and cook etc which I know is her norm but I find really uncomfortable. The whole dynamic will feel different and I will feel bad that the nanny will be sleeping in an office room on a blow up bed (again friend said would be fine).
AIBU? Should I just enjoy the extra help or would it bother you?

I wasn't referring to the OPs intentions (and didn't see your post), I was referring to a PP's opinion that the OP shouldn't leave her kids with the nanny if she's worried, that noone is forcing her to leave her kids with anyone.
That poster was suggesting OP keep her kids separate. I was saying that likely defeats the purpose of the holiday.

I think OP is best off clarifying what role her friend envisaged for the nanny to take on this shared holiday, to make sure everyone is on board with it.

That Atlantic article is terribly sad. Awful.

It’s quite the opposite, I’m noting the necessity to sit with slight discomfort when we encounter ways of life different from our own.

I had extremely high standards well above legal minimums in the Nannie’s I employed for my own children in the UK. But I am also adult enough to know that norms (and laws) differ throughout the world and that not matching UK standards and expectations does not necessarily mean exploitation in other bits of the world.

If the OP had the slightest evidence that genuine exploitation was occurring (nanny not being given agreed salary, being denied agreed annual leave, having passport withheld, exposed to sexual or physical harassment etc) then I would be saying to end the friendship because why would you want to be friends with someone like that?

But coming on holiday with an employer in the course of your employment is normal nanny practice anywhere in the world. A blowup mattress in a study wouldn’t fly with most UK Nannie’s but is not exploitative. She has not, as far as I can tell said she is expecting the nanny to care for all the children including yours. Whether or not this would be a huge burden probably depends on ages - keeping an eye on 4 x 7-10 year old for example is manageable, 6 x toddlers less so.

It may not be your vibe, but the pearl clutching is ludicrous

Well she's already paid a nanny salary so I wouldn't be doubling that up. Just let your friend crack on with the nanny and enjoy your holiday with your children.

I have no issue with anyone hiring whoever they please to work for them but you treat them right and you pay them properly.
You don’t expect them to be grateful for being allowed to sleep on the floor and look after 3 times the normal amount of kids.
Culture has nothing to do with it. It just all
sounds like a race the bottom. She may come from poverty but she deserves the best you can afford to give her. As you would for a nanny in London.
Why you would trust your most precious people to a woman you have no respect for is beyond me. Treat her better. She holds sway over your children.

If you would like to say something without sounding confrontational, perhaps starting with something along these lines:

"Thanks for letting us know that you're considering bringing x. I have to confess, my instinctive reaction is that it'll change the vibe of the holiday in a negative way, but perhaps I'm jumping to conclusions. Would you mind describing a little more how you'd expect it to work so I can paint a better picture. Just for clarity I'm looking forward to the cooking and hanging out with the kids so can't quite see how it would play out without getting a bit awkward. I can see it would be great for a family holiday though"

I’d be really uncomfortable with this as well and wouldn’t go on the holiday.

Genuinely don't understand the people here saying oh but she gets a free holiday in Spain!! Ffs as if the nanny is going to be allowed certain days off to drink pina coladas by the pool or take herself off to go sightseeing. Or is she? Maybe OP should ask her friend that? Somehow I very much doubt it. It makes naff all difference flying around the world to gorgeous destinations if you are working the entire time you're there, looking after 6 kids and cleaning up mess on repeat.

And honestly the others saying oh so many of you don't understand the cultural norms here, well no I probably don't fully but I have to go abroad a lot for work and if my boss tried to have me sleeping on an airbed in an office I'd be outraged, I expect most of the posters here would too! The fact anyone can try and claim its fine for the nanny because she's Filipino or its normal for house staff in the Middle East is fucking hypocritical and batshit.

For those saying she might enjoy the holiday, how would you feel if your work sent you away for two weeks, asked you to do three times the amount of work as usual for two new bosses you’ve never met before, and you sleep on a blow-up bed, and they say ‘but enjoy the holiday!’
My god, the mental gymnastics people are doing to justify this is eye-opening.

I think you just need to get very clear in your head that it's your friend's nanny and the arrangements are between them.
I would be very uncomfortable at someone, especially someone you employ having to sleep on a makeshift bed.
I would also be uncomfortable if they were to wait on me. It's such an alien situation. You are not responsible at all for your friend deciding this though.

Treat the nanny well, be sure to express gratitude for any help. Don't let her be the one to clear plates, cook, wash up etc... Beyond that just enjoy your holiday.

Don’t stop her coming! It might be her chance
to escape.

my friends nanny was working for a family in KSA. She hated it and was treated badly, but was pretty trapped (also Filipino). they travelled to London and she left them at the airport. She then followed the correct routes to be able to stay. She’s lovely and works with proper conditions (pay/holiday etc) with my friends children, travels back to the Philippines to see her family often.

Where is KSA?

Kingdom of Saudi Arabia

Why wouldn’t you let her wash up and clear plates etc? That’s the kind of stuff that can be outsourced to staff so that parents can enjoy quality time with kids? Otherwise what, the nanny supervises the kids while the mums spend their holiday prepping food and washing up?

Are you the lady wanting to bring the nanny? Its not about culture Its about human decency.

I was a nanny who went away with my family to a British destination (so no flights or overseas travel). I had my own bedroom. There were DEFINITELY comments made to me conspiratorially by the manager of the cottage we stayed in about ‘that type’ of family bringing the ‘help’ so it was judged. My duties included things like having the kids handed over to me when they got up at their usual obscene time so parents could have another couple hours in bed (especially mum who was ashen from tiredness because she did all the wake ups normally at home and her kids were NOT good sleepers). On days out I was another pair of hands to find a high chair or walk the grizzly baby up and down to get him to sleep so parents could enjoy exploring with the older toddler. They’d go out a couple of evenings and I would babysit (I also cleaned up on those evenings just because it was a nice thing to do but not expected). I got some evenings off and a couple of afternoons off. Everything very much couched as me being there to help them enjoy their holiday, allow them to get some rest as well and also enjoy time with their kids more easily. I loved it and fantasised about being able to do the same one day (still do!)
this really doesn’t sound like the same setup and perhaps that’s why you’re uncomfortable-no mutual respect or intention to enjoy the children and friendly company of other mums with helping hand rather than a silent domestic grunt doing all the work. The blow up bed in particular sounds rotten in Spanish heat

Thar would bother me massively. I'd end up taking the blow up bed and giving her my room. I just couldn't treat someone else like that.

Haven't read the full thread, so this may already have been mentioned. I don't know your friend, obviously, but if she decides not to bring the nanny, does that mean the nanny will not be paid for the days the family is away? Surely, kinder to accept her coming. The change might be welcome, especially if the pther parents don't make her take on their children in addition to her existing charges.

She’s a nanny not a housekeeper. He job is only related to children. Yes cook and clean for children, not the adults.

Filipina: ‘brown’?

What extraordinary ignorance of ethnicity and ethnography. Are you American?

Some of the comments along the lines that women from the Philippines are grateful for the work and 'that's just what it's like' sadden me.

The fact that it's just what it's like doesn't make it okay to pay the market rate, and not treat them as human beings, who don't have great agency.

They don't have many choices. There's a lot of social pressure to leave their children behind to go and look after someone else's.

It's very tough to be working hard and sending most of your money home. Some awareness of economic injustice wouldn't go amiss.

I live abroad and have a Filipino nanny. I pay her very well and treat her like family. Most people I know do the same. I have, many times, said she's more important to me than my DH right now. I fucking love her and she loves my son.

I have taken her to meetups with friends and it makes things SO MUCH EASIER. Can i do without her? Yes. But why not make everyone 's lives easier and enjoy myself a little?

And lol at she shouldn't be doing any cleaning or cooking. Kids age 5-10 don't need eyes on them 100% of the time, and cleaning and cooking is part of it.

And OP doesn't know the nanny is sleeping on the floor or a blow up bed, she's making some assumptions there.

Surely a nanny is there to look after the children, not to do cooking and cleaning? Or do you think that she is just a generic servant whose duties aren't specified so can change at the whim of her employer?

God forbid that the mums spend any time prepping food and washing up on their holiday. That would be utterly tragic.

I mean help. I'm sure it's possible to do a bit of washing up here and there and also spend quality time with your kids.

Thank you