My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

[Crybabydumplin]

My husband works full time. I'm currently on maternity leave with a 5 month old.

He has just returned from a three day conference where we he stayed in a hotel. He went to a pub quiz one night and had dinner with colleagues the other. He also has some leaving drinks planned for a colleague one week after work next week and recently spent a Friday night with his brother at the pub whilst I stayed at home.

This conference was the first time I had the baby to myself completely with no support and I managed fine but it wasn't easy.

When he got back, I was desperate for some me time and suggested that I would go for a run and have some time by myself (2 hours or so). He proposed that once I get back he should have some time by himself too.

In the politest way I could, I say that him proposing time by himself one day after coming back from a three day conference felt like a slap in the face.

He flew off the handle and is adamant that it was work and not a break. I tried explaining I meant a break from the baby and responsibilities. He got to have dinner by himself, shower, socialise etc which I don't get to do. He said that I should just ask if I want a break and that I'm the one that always wants to spend time with the baby.

Isn't it normal for all mums to one minute be obsessed with their baby and then the next think god I could do with a breather? Both can exists at the same time.

My only break is the runs that I do on his days off.

I am building up to leaving the baby for the first time so I can go out for drinks with a friend.

I proposed that he does one night feed a week so the baby gets used to him doing it too. That way i will feel more comfortable when I'm out knowing the baby will feed comfortably with him. He's not happy about it and said it should be a one off because once a week will have a knock on effect on his sleep.

Am I being unreasonable or is he just not getting it?

I go away once a year for a conference - it’s actually our relatively small company putting on a huge event so not just attending and it also includes hosting evening events, and we are all run off our feet for 3 straight days, stressed, and running on very little sleep. I come home a broken woman every year.

It’s still a break. I listen to my favourite audiobooks/ playlists in the car on the way down. There’s fancy Elemis toiletries in the bathroom and if I don’t have time for breakfast in the hotel I get coffee and pastries passed to me as I’m running round the place. I’m stressed and shattered but I get to have conversation and a laugh with other adults. I have had to do a lot of weird and wonderful things in the name of keeping guests, exhibitors and speakers happy but none of them as yet have needed me to literally wipe their arse for them. I may get to bed late and be up early but the sleep I do get in between I’m not going to be woken by someone who needs feeding, soothing or rocking back to sleep. If nothing else it’s a change of scenery.

And when I come home I actively enjoy spending time with DD and giving DH a break from doing everything at home.

DH and I did shifts in the nights in the early days. Your sleep is important too, what you do all day is important too and deserves rest too. Your partner is supposed to be on your side supporting you. As he has a conference type job im assuming he’s not down the mine, flying jets or performing open heart surgery every day in normal working life so he can afford to have the odd broken night as well as you.

It can be really bloody hard OP so don’t be disheartened by the posters who tell you that being at home with just one baby is a piece of cake and you shouldn’t need help or need a break, or the man must have it so much harder because he has to go sit at a desk and send some emails. Some people find it all a piece of piss I’m sure, but nobody I know did. It’s hard.

Are you taking the piss?

My male colleague with 2-under-3 is absolutely open that a night away for work is a luxury. Any excuse for an overnight, he’s totally upfront that it’s a nice break. His DW knows and his upfrontedness hopefully makes it easier at home 😬

He is choosing to pretend not to get it, as men do when it threatens their play time and hobbies.

I think a lot of women on this thread are trying to convince themselves they don't have shit partners.

Happens a lot on Mensnet, oops sorry Mumsnet.

I'm a mum of 3, and I have to travel for work regularly.
Going to a conference is not a break. Absolutely the opposite. Exhausting long days.
Yes - being at home along with a 5month old is exhausting, and you deserve some headspace too.
However you aren't going to win this if you speak in hyperbole.

Don't be silly. Being on with babies and small children 24 hours a day is in no way comparable with him finishing his work day then going to rest in a nice comfy clean hotel room, have drinks and dinner in blessed silence or with colleagues.

You know full well you're being disingenous and that she means it is a break from parenting and some time to wind down.

Which she never gets, and he does.

OP I completely agree with you.

My heart breaks for you OP. You're being neglected and treat like a household appliance. Your husband sounds like a fukboi to me. With zero redeeming qualities. He's gaslighting you, manipulative and cruel. That poor baby has him for a "dad".

Get angry. Stand up for yourself. And for God's sake, go and google "decentring my husband"

I've had two children and agree to some extent. Maternity leave and being a PT SAHM was great and so much easier than work.

Do all the mothers who go to these grueling conferences come home and have to be asked to look after their kids?

I doubt it.

Sorry the usual mansnetters are pretending not to get it OP.

You obviously, clearly mean he gets a break from being "on" 24/7 which you never ever do if you are at home with a baby, he also gets a break by being with other adults, drinking and chatting and time to wind down with zero childcare responsiblities, which you never ever do if you are the sole carer for a baby.

You're right and he's wrong, but he sounds like a bit of a cock, so you will have to be firm and insist upon your right to a break from parenting and being on full time with a baby.

What did he expect to happen when he had a child? Parents have to look after their children. Both paid work and unpaid work looking after children (and especially a new baby) is tiring. Most parents have to work and spend evenings and weekends looking after their children and on household tasks. It’s all work. You’ve both been working.

Of course mothers spend a lot of time recovering from pregnancy and birth, and feeding/bonding with their baby (especially if bf), in the first months after birth. And that’s the period the father (and other loved ones) naturally care for and support the mother. Not to use the mother’s natural instinct (‘obsession’) to be with a baby (that was inside her for the previous nine months) as an excuse for getting out of caring responsibilities entirely. Even if the mother hasn’t given birth (e.g. adoption), both parents are still equally responsible for childcare as a starting point, even if they mutually agree a different split in responsibility (e.g. SAHM). It shouldn’t be presumed the mother does more.

IMHO, he needs to adjust his life to being a parent. He needs to have respect for you as a mother. He needs to understand that looking after a baby or young child is very relentless, tiring and responsible work - albeit wonderful at the same time. Ideally by caring for the baby on his own for long periods once it’s a bit older. To gain perspective and empathy. It’s why IMHO/IME both parents should spend at least one weekday each looking after and bonding with their children alone when the mother returns to work. It means both understand the challenges of work outside the home - and within it.

You need to talk about what’s required and expected to ensure your partnership is equitable going forward.

I guess it depends on the job. Some physical jobs are more tiring.

I had a very demanding, mentally taxing (desk) job while raising three kids. I loved looking after the kids, but it was much more relentless, demanding and tiring than work. At work, I could take a lunch break alone and fully relax for 30 minutes. At work, colleagues would make me a cup of tea or share the load.

When I worked in academia if you had to travel to an international conference there was an understanding that you got the day off before and after. The day before was for preparation and packing and the day after to recover from the trip. There was an aunderstanding that being at a conference was "work" because it was a business related activity. As OP argues you get to have nice meals, drinks at the bar, socialise, stay at a decent hotel and perhaps a theatre trip or similar. In short that you are not on duty 24/7. While acknowledging this, there was an understanding that being away from home meant that while there people were not free to allocate their free time as they normally would. For a singleton like me it meant having to arrive home tired with a case of dirty washing to be unpacked, washed and put away, domestic tasks to be caught up on and so forth. In the case of OP she is having to do all the childrearing and domestic tasks for which she would normally expect to count on her partner for support. She doesnt get to socialise at the bar or have nice meals with her friends but is in sole charge of a toddler while also pregnant.

I agree. Also depends on what you’re doing at the conference - and your personality/needs.

If you’re working on a stand at the conference, trying to broker deals or running events/sessions all day, it can be very demanding/ tiring. If you’re only speaking at one event and then sitting in sessions/networking, it’s pretty relaxing if you’re a sociable person. Going to dinner can be no more tiring than going to dinner with friends. But if you’re an introvert, neurodivergent/disabled, or under pressure to hit targets and/or perform, a conference could be really exhausting.

Looking after babies and young children is invariably demanding and exhausting, especially the first as it’s a big adjustment/steep learning curve.

Nope.

Do you have kids?

This, and working away and having to stay in hotels isn't a holiday. There are certain expectations of team playing from companies. The novelty of business trips wears off very quickly when reality kicks in. Its no holiday.

I cannot help wondering who has raised these entitled, lazy assholes and if they realise what a terrible job they have done.

No. Hence my question.

Jet lag is also exhausting in a very specific way, two different things can both be exhausting.

I breast fed mine and also do long haul travel for work, and I always found work travel felt like a luxury break vs being woken up frequently throughout the night and having a crying baby in my orbit 24h a day.

A colicky / demanding baby really grinds you down.

Saying that going to work is a "break" - especially overseas work - is really fucking insulting. I'd be furious if anyone told me my job - which I love - is a break.

Travelling is knackering. Having to be constantly "on" professionally is knackering. Having every minute of your time accounted for and then having to do your work on top of it is knackering. Constantly thinking about work-related matters is knackering. Doing this for a week straight on increasingly bad sleep is knackering.

It's as insulting as saying maternity leave is a "break" because you get to stay at home, you don't have to commute, you don't have to have a professional face on 24/7, you have all your home comforts around you and you don't have to constantly interact with people who are not your friends or family.

It would be helpful to realise that each of you think the other one is having a "break" because when you're travelling for work, the thing you most crave is just to be at home with your family; and when you're on maternity leave, the thing you most crave is to be out and about talking to other adults. The reason you think the other person has it easy is the exact reason they're knackered.