My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

[Crybabydumplin]

My husband works full time. I'm currently on maternity leave with a 5 month old.

He has just returned from a three day conference where we he stayed in a hotel. He went to a pub quiz one night and had dinner with colleagues the other. He also has some leaving drinks planned for a colleague one week after work next week and recently spent a Friday night with his brother at the pub whilst I stayed at home.

This conference was the first time I had the baby to myself completely with no support and I managed fine but it wasn't easy.

When he got back, I was desperate for some me time and suggested that I would go for a run and have some time by myself (2 hours or so). He proposed that once I get back he should have some time by himself too.

In the politest way I could, I say that him proposing time by himself one day after coming back from a three day conference felt like a slap in the face.

He flew off the handle and is adamant that it was work and not a break. I tried explaining I meant a break from the baby and responsibilities. He got to have dinner by himself, shower, socialise etc which I don't get to do. He said that I should just ask if I want a break and that I'm the one that always wants to spend time with the baby.

Isn't it normal for all mums to one minute be obsessed with their baby and then the next think god I could do with a breather? Both can exists at the same time.

My only break is the runs that I do on his days off.

I am building up to leaving the baby for the first time so I can go out for drinks with a friend.

I proposed that he does one night feed a week so the baby gets used to him doing it too. That way i will feel more comfortable when I'm out knowing the baby will feed comfortably with him. He's not happy about it and said it should be a one off because once a week will have a knock on effect on his sleep.

Am I being unreasonable or is he just not getting it?

“I proposed that he does one night feed a week so the baby gets used to him doing it too. That way i will feel more comfortable when I'm out knowing the baby will feed comfortably with him. He's not happy about it and said it should be a one off because once a week will have a knock on effect on his sleep.”

Siiiiiigh. Another man who wants a wife and kids but not to be a husband and partner.

Your husband ain't getting it. What's wrong with him

It sounds like he didn't want a baby, but men astonish me sometimes. Many of them simply DO NOT WANT A BABY, but they won't do anything themselves to prevent it. I do feel sorry, though, for those whose partners lied to them and secretly came off the pill. That's not acceptable behaviour.

@Badgerandfox227 it probably depends on your job. Teaching 5 lessons to teenagers & you get no break at all. Being home with my own was so much easier. I could go to the loo when I wanted to for starters.

I have also worked in industry & been to a conference & had no break at all. Almost no down time at all.

He could also say you're having a break from work.

Being at work isn't a break OP, same as looking after a child isn't a break.

I totally disagree. I hate going away with work. There is no downtime. So if you’re out with colleagues for dinner, you’re still on. It’s constant stress even when you get on well. It’s a massively different dynamic. Home with a 5 month old is not stressful in the slightest. Your own home. Your own baby. You might have to do all night wakings but that’s ok. You’re not working next day. I do think you should have some baby free time when DH is home. But nothing wrong with him having downtime too. I really think you’re not understanding how shit being away for work is. I’m not saying you had it easy, babies can be tough going. I’ve had my days of that. But I’d rather have been you than him any day. Remove the competition and just understand you are both allowed to feel overwhelmed with your loads and take time to yourselves.

I am fairly sure that if work wasn't a "break" all the men would be sitting at home with their kids and women would be working.
I think it's a bit sad that he wanted time away from the baby immediately after getting back but many men are like this.

Surely then he'd be happy spending time with his baby instead of immediately negotiating more time away?

He is not getting it.

leave him with baby next week end and when you come back, ask for more time :)

If it is baby n1, he has an excuse. Noone knows until they know and these days…it is usually the wife/partner whom has the pleasure to explain. I do hope that mothers will do better next time round! Let’s raise our boy so they get it!

Hang on, has he not fed the baby once since you gave birth 5 months ago?!

Ex dh worked away 7 weeks leaving me with 3 children and the house to maintain. When he was home, if I asked him to help with something the reply was always "I'm on holiday".
One reason why he's ex!
The benefit to me was that I can now do all those little jobs that come along, all by myself. I learnt a lot of diy because I had to when he was away.... and home.

@EarthlyNightshade what bit about time to yourself are you not getting. I’m sure he is happy to spend time with his baby. As well as enjoy time to himself. Nothing wrong with that. I do think that mumsnet are being mainly ridiculous and suggesting a parent at home in their own house with their own child has it tougher than the working parent. Get a grip. I’ve done both. I know which is easier though on here you’d think motherhood was a tough chore to get through. Not really people. It can have tough days. It’s still easier than parenting and working.

No idea why people want me time when they have a baby, there is plenty of time for that when your children leave home.

Looking after children can be a break from work, just as much as the reverse is true.

He is selfish and needs to be dealt with accordingly, put your running gear on hand him the baby and say am going to a run see you in an hour baby is fed and settled see you in a bet and go for a run straight out the door it’s his baby too and he is obligated to take of him/ her , he will be angry when you get back but act as if you can’t even here him , go around beaming and saying god I needed this run I feel much better already .

You are both right (although not about night feeding he should be doing at least one for u to have a break, he gets a break the next night). Work, including conferences, is not fun or relaxing. It's not 'me' time. But on the flip side it's not watching a monitor all the time waiting for baby.
However, I'm assuming the baby naps and u do actually get a chance to sit down, given you only have the one, and you're in your own house, you do get to have a meal in peace too. BOTH of your jobs are valid and difficult. There's trials and upsides to both. And you both need downtime away from everything else. U should be able to go for a run most days he is there, don't only do it on days off. If u feel bad, pick baby's longest nap time to do it - if baby wakes up then he just has to deal with it.

I agree that him going away for a work conference is not fully getting a break but he got to have his evenings free of any responsibilities apart from maybe having to socialize with colleagues. He still got to have meals and sleep uninterrupted which in the baby days is golden time!!

Maybe you can talk it out and work out a plan for you to have a break from the baby that you feel comfortable with and same for him.

He absolutely should be helping you with night feeds and letting you have a lie in at weekends though and hes very selfish if hes not doing that!!

I have a demanding job involving interacting with a lot of people and being sociable. As an introvert I find it really hard work, especially with trips away and socialising with colleagues or superiors during my evenings…

I also have a nearly 3 year old and a newborn…

Those “tedious” work trips feel like a bloody jolly to me these days!

Oh no, I have to eat a HOT meal that I’ve not had to plan or cook or clean up after. And I have to sleep alllllll night on my own in a big comfy bed without being woken up at least three times. And you mean I can also brush my teeth, take a shower or have a nice long, hot bath and even go to the toilet when I need to go? Yeah, however can I cope?!

Becoming a parent really lowered the bar on what I consider a break. Just the mental change of gear that work is, is a break; “a change is as good as a rest” as they say, and that’s sometimes the best you can hope for with young children.

The fact the bar hasn’t lowered for your husband says you are taking on far, far too much of the parenting responsibilities. You need to take a step back and get him picking up more when he’s home. “Primary carer” doesn’t automatically equate to “default parent” and at the end of the day your maternity leave will end and you’ll go back to work. If you don’t set the expectation now that even parents who work outside the home still pick up the slack when they are at home then you’re making a rod for your own back later on when he’ll still expect you to do everything you do now plus going out to work.

Nope. Just nope.

Oh it depends on the baby ,how many other children you have , do you have a support network ? Any sort of help at all
Also for him it depends on what his work culture is like , is it a really busy conference in a demanding environment or a jolly .
Both of you need a break from whatever your daily routine is .
i did all night feeds with all my children and didn’t really get a break ( no support network or help at all ) but ..there were some easier chilled days as well as the difficult days .
And for husband he had easy work days too from time to time where they had a proper lunch and left the office to get coffees at nearby cafes .
Other days were full on working late with food brought in

He absolutely needs to step up, especially at night. But i think it is unfair to call work a break, personally I found being at home on mat leave easier than being at work, but my job is very high pressured. I agree that it is important you feel like you are a team and you have a chance to do something other than looking after your baby

But you get to eat a meal without a screaming child in front of your face. You get to go to the toilet without a baby screaming at you from the other room. You get to sleep all through the night for 3 consecutive nights? Those 3 things alone must add up to a “break”. Having adult conversation at least as well! So isolating being on maternity leave. Sometimes you may only see one other adult a day which is the dad! Then they go away for a 3 day conference! Or go to the pub after being in work all day! Maternity leave = lonely (only the baby for company)

I am really struggling with all these replies saying the work conference isn’t a break. It is most definitely a break from the 24/7 of looking after a new baby. If OP’s description is accurate all meals were provided, sleep was in a decent hotel bed with no interruptions or responsibilities.

Can't you understand that people experience things differently?

Some people find looking after babies harder work than paid employment. Some people find paid employment harder work than looking after babies. Everyone's experience is valid.

Ok, what am I doing wrong?

My nine month old will still only nap while being held. (I've tried so many times! Most recent stint of trying has been interrupted by illness.) I have never, ever managed a nap while the baby napped.

Re meals - idk that eating one handed as quickly as possible while feeding the baby is particularly peaceful...mostly I'm getting up a million times to wash all the spoons she flings to the floor.

Not saying looking after a baby is the hardest thing in the world - obviously it isn't. But I do find it hard (harder than my job, where I've achieved a level of competence, know what's expected of me and don't have the world's most irrational boss screaming in my face half the time).

As pp have pointed out, babies are so variable...some of the babies I've gotten to know on mat leave are so unbelievably chill. You can plonk them down and they'll play happily with whatever you give them. I can totally see how looking after a cheerful, sleepy baby is easier than going to work (depending on the job). But for the babies who won't sleep and won't be plonked...